I'm unintentionally the OW. Now I'm her friend. Do I tell her?

[young&idealistic]

When I first came to my grad school, I was pretty broken up over my ex-bf, and I made a mistake I'll never make again. I went out drinking with a new guy friend from class, and somehow we ended up sleeping together. I've never slept with anyone that I wasn't in love with before, so I feel really guilty about it.

 

To compound the problem, he told me the next morning he had a girlfriend! I was so angry that I had become the other woman. To make matters worse, the girlfriend is from my home town. Not only do I see her at every school function when she visits, I also see her every time I go home.

 

Somehow, his girlfriend and I have become friends. When she is in town, we always talk, and she confides in me her worries about her long distance relationship.

 

Maybe, if I thought that this guy's encounter with me was a one time affair, I could let it go. But every time I see him (when she's away) he's talking about chasing another girl. I know he sleeps with other girls regularly. And since he tried to get away with not using a condom with me (which would never fly with me) -- she's at risk.

 

I know if I were in her position I would want to know. He gave her a promise ring, so I guess that means they're pretty serious. My other girlfriend who knows about it says I should just leave it alone, but I can't help it. I'm now in a serious relationship, and I would want to know if my bf were screwing around--especially if he was trying to get away with no condoms!! What do I do? Remember, I have to be in school with this guy for three more years.

[Mr Spock]

If you tell her, she'll hate you, so be prepared. If she discovers he's cheating, he'll tell her, and she'll hate you, so be prepared.

[young&idealistic]

I don't care if she hates me over the truth. We aren't good enough friends that I would worry about losing her friendship. I just know I would want to know the truth.

 

The reason my girlfriend at school told me to keep my mouth shut was because the girlfriend knew about some early infidelities, and therefore shouldn't have expected a faithful guy. I just don't know that that's fair.

 

I'm more worried about him hating me for "telling on him" than I am about the girlfriend being mad. She can hate me--fine. But I'm going to be stuck with this guy for years in school, so it could potentially have adverse effects on my career.

 

I don't want my own selfishness to keep me from saving this girl from a lifetime of hurt.

[Debster]

I say tell her.

As for what he thinks about you - who gives a dam$?!

[HokeyReligions]

You can avoid him in school. You don't have to hang around with him. If you run in to him, walk away.

 

You have the ability right now to possibly protect someone from contracting a dangerous, maybe even fatal, disease simply by telling her that her bf is actively pursuing sex and not using a condom. You can tell her about your encounter with him BEFORE you know that he had a gf and that you immediately broke it off when you found out, and that you know he brags about sex with others and not using a condom. She might get mad at you (in a case like this the messenger is sometimes the sounding board for the hurt and anger) but eventually she will realize that you did not know she was his gf when it happened, and eventually she will be glad to have found out so she can protect herself.

 

I would tell her, either in a letter or in person. I wouldn't give a rats behind about the guy. Avoid and ignore him.

 

That is my opinion on how I would handle the situation.

[EC]

Ok your worrying about htis guy way too much. Did he care what you thought when he slept with you and didnt tell you he had a girlfriend? Um no!

 

I also agree with Mr. Spock. You tell she'll hate you then he'll hate you and she'll probably stay with him anyways and he'll keep doing what hes doing.

 

I say dont get in it.. live your life...lshe's not a best friend or a relative or anything so let her find out on her own.

[young&idealistic]

I agree with Hokey that by not telling her I'm allowing her to be put at risk for STDs. I also know that there's a pretty good chance she won't leave him, which baffles me as I would be out the door before he realized what hit him.

 

Either way, it's her choice and I feel like she should have all the information. I know I would be really grateful in her situation. I don't have a way of contacting her, although I can probably find out from another girlfriend.

 

Maybe I should tell the guy I'm having an attack of conscience? That if he doesn't tell her I will? It makes me sick that he brags about his other exploits in front of girls who've become her friends. The next time I run into her I guess I could sit her down, but who knows how long away that will be? By then, she could have AIDS!

 

Also, my boyfriend HATES this guy. He knows I slept with him (obviously before I was with my boyfriend) and hates ever seeing him or hearing about him. Since I go to a small school, gossip could spread really fast and my bf would be very very irritated about everyone knowing I slept with the guy. But that's a really selfish, stupid reason.

 

Anyone else have an idea?

[moodyblues]

Sorry to say this, but I went to grad school because I was broken up over a guy. The application process was a way to get rid of the anxiety!

 

Anyway, it sounds like you are in a serious program like med school or law school because you are worried about him having an effect on your career.

 

I've been the messenger before and it sucks, but I doubt that you have a way to avoid him in grad school. In either case, is he pursuing girls from the same program? If he does get mad at you, then maybe some of the girls he is chasing will know better.

 

I know you said that you would want to know, but do you think the girl wants to know? You said that she has talked to you about him, and at the same time you are not feeling like she is one of your closest friends. She is reaching out to someone at his school with her worries. Yes, both of them will be pissed at you and your world will be uncomfortable, but maybe he needs to learn a lesson and maybe she should know long before they are married with children.

[young&idealistic]

Okay well, I know this is selfish, but my boyfriend is so upset over my past experience with this guy, that I don't think it's a good idea to draw more attention to it right now. Read my new post. I feel bad for her, and I know what the right thing to do is, but right now I've got to watch out for my own relationship.

 

Am I evil for putting my boyfriend's feelings of insecurity above a girl's whole life? Arg. I hate having this weighing on my back! I wish I could just make everybody happy and not have to hurt anyone! Yuck--the world is a hard place to inhabit sometimes.

 

Wouldn't it be easier if no one ever slept with anyone til they were married (and then only their spouse )? OK, haha! Not as fun, but definitely easier.