How do I tell my parents I want to move in with my boyfriend?

[haku]

[font=arial][/font][color=darkblue][/color] Alright so the story's quick and to the point.

 

I met this boy, 3-4 months ago, and we fell in love at first site, we spend as much time together as we can. He's a wonderful match for me, adores me, and is just plain cute (my mother says he has "a twinkle in his eye").

 

Anyways situation goes that he's asked me to move in with him. I live with my parents, which at any age past 20 is unbearable for long periods of time, even when you get along with your parents very well, which I do. I love my parents, but I can't live with them, and it seems crazy to move out of my parents house, in my home town, to an empty crappy apartment, or into a crappy roommate situation when I think my boyfriend would be a better roommate than anyone I've ever met. I spend most of my time there cleaning and lounging and so on anyways.

 

The kicker is I that my parents are still old fashioned and I think it would break their hearts if I told them this is what I wanted to do. So I know some of you would naturally say, "well then don't do that to your parents." But, I'm miserable here, I have no social life and am bombarded with advice daily, around the clock. I feel like I'm 15 again, which I know is no fault of their own, but it sucks. I also have no money, which doesn't scare me but I also don't want to alienate myself from my parents, not for money's sake, but for sanity. I love them and it would hurt me immensely if I were to put a rift in our relationship. I feel like I'm gonna burst! HELP!!

[woodstok]

Listen from past experience, i have lived with someone for 3 years and also with someone else for 6 months. Both situations were like yours, we loved each other very much, always together so why not move in right? Well wrong, because what happends is you end up acting like an old married couple and things quickly sour. I know you may not think so but look i told myself after the first time i would not let any other girls move in with me, but i did and the same thing happend. I am 25 and my most recent one just ended 1 month ago. I know you want to leave your parents house, i mean who would'nt but unless things are horrible at home dont take such drastic measures right away. Its been 3 months you guys have been dating you say? Well see if you can go another 3 months and then maybe start thinking more seriously, but this soon things will not be as great as you may think. Please from past experince if you really love him and he loves you, you can survive another few months and then think more seriously. Try even maybe staying at his place for a whole week sometime, trust me you dont truly know someone until you live with them and sometimes you find out things you really dont like about them. The worst part is you will be together soooooo much you will start to grow apart....as odd as that might sound....now this is my opinion....i just wanted to give you something to think about......eventually you will do what you think is best, but remember what you think is best sometimes never really is.......Good luck and i hope you guys are together as long as you hope.

 

P.S. money will also be a big issue when living together, and you will need it to survive, your parents just want the best for you but you also need to talk to them seriously if you consider this, because with my ex, she left like your thinking of doing to be with me and her parents were not happy at all and that also palyed a part in our breakup. Regardless of your age if you live in their house, its your reponsibility to tell them what your doing after all they are your parents and they deserve that.

[Shasta]

I agree. In all reality, you really don't know someone until you move in with them. I moved in with someone when I was 18 (I had gone out with them for 2 years) and that ended our relationship. It made us hate each other. He would annoy the crap out of me. It was to the point where I could hardly stand to be around him.

 

But, if your set on moving in with him, you should just tell your parents. You are old enough to make your own decisions. They may not agree with them, but they need to understand that you have your own thoughts on what is right and wrong. Just give this situation some thought. Write the pros and cons of living with him.

[magda]

... in my experience TELLING your parents something like that is only going to make them feel obligated to talk you out of it. My dad still likes to say, "well, you know how I feel..." (which is a huge improvement..)

You're 20 years old, you tell them while simultaneously doing. You don't sit them down and say, "well.. I'm thinking of moving out, I really want to move in with him I'm in love.. blah blah." Because your parents feel somehow like they're supposed to try to make you not do it or something. You have to be decisive to get results. Step one, plan when you're moving out and to where. Don't bother telling them until you've got the first step together. Telling your parents is, like, step 3 or 4 or something. Get the apartment, sign the lease, get finances in order, get your plan. Then say to them, "this is what I'm doing and I'm really excited about it." You need to have things already in the process stage or your parents will confuse you with guilt that they mask as concerns for your well-being. Their general disapproval will cloak every well-meaning question such as, "what are you going to do for money? what if this, what if that, who's going to blah, what about blah..."

Sure, they'd be right to be concerned for you because they love you, but they have no right to interfere with an adult who makes mature decisions. This is where you severe that umbilical cord with no mercy! Be strong!

 

 

 

Wait a minute... in review, I notice my reading comprehension here had a little lapse... I see that you mention you have no money.. this may not scare YOU but I advise you to make damn well sure it doesn't scare your boyfriend. We don't want him to start resenting supporting your every need.. If you were to move out to a "crappy apartment" in your hometwon would your parents be paying for that? Are you in school or something?

 

wutev, since you're still dependent on your parents... that kind of changes my opinion. If you were independent, I'd say, 'get outta there & why wait'. But financially dependent people have to put up with their parents because they need them. I think you should exercise the "practically lives there but still gets mail at home" approach wherein you bring most of your clothes and toiletries, the occassional odd and end, and leave everything else at home - home being the place you visit only on the odd weeknight and sundays, with your boyfriend in tow. Make your boyfriend charm the pants off your parents and bring him around with you as much as possible, taking care to show off how wildly happy you are. He's going to need to convince them that he's mature and that he loves you, etc, or they will make your life hell. When they ask why you're never home, answer with questions as much as possible. Shrug them off and be the first to make jokes about how you're never home. They need to get used to you never being around. Call them on the phone with any conversations about your life and your future to get them feeling like you're out of the house for good. Avoid serious "tell me about your plan" discussions that take place in person. Keep your visits home entirely pleasant - exchange recipes with mom and ask her for tips on getting stains out and ask your dad for tips about doing your taxes or whatever. Occassionally, when home, go through your stuff and take another box with you. Don't hide it at all. When put under harsh light, plea true love and lust for independence and family values of your own. Or sometthing. It really all depends on your parents/family and your relationship/history with them and how mature they believe you to be.

[dudesomewhere]

just tell em you want to F this guy and would they mind the sex grunt noises eminating from your bedroom.

 

 

 

[babygirl21]

Hey girl,well if I was in your shoes and my boyfriend asked me to move in with him.I wouldn't be worring about how to tell my parents.I would just tell'em and pack my stuff and get out as fast as I could.But just tell'em that your moving in with your boyfriend, .

[tiki]

Ok, first of all, you have no money and you live at home? How is this going to work when you move in with him? Where will the money come from?

 

Second, don't worry, you're parents have already 'thought it' and they dread the possibility of you moving in with him. They were yound too.

 

Thirdly, let this guy court you. You are in the courting stage of a relationship. Let your love flourish. It's hard to be courted and remain 'mystical and magical' when you live with him and you guys smell each other's poop.

 

Lastly, after a three year relationship when I was 18, I moved out with my boyfriend. It lasted for 9 days. It was the worst pain my mom had ever gone through. She told me that I hurt her worse than when she found out she had Cancer. Needless to say, it ruined the relationship and I never spoke to him again. Oh well!

 

Please take into consideration that YES, you are an adult, but what example are you setting? If you can live with it, you'll be fine. Good luck to ya.

[haku]

Thank you all for your opinions and advice.

 

To answer a few questions, Yes I'm broke, but working on it. And my boyfriend has from day one, vocally and physically proven that he is capable of taking care of me financially, as well as willing. However, I've never been financially dependent on anyone, except my parents, and it makes me feel guilty to allow myself to depend on him. I am still technically dependent on my parents, however, I do not use their money, I haven't for almost 2 years now, but I am going back to school and it will cost more than I have, that worries me.

 

And to Magda- I have tried doing the staying out all week at his place thing and being pleasant when home and so on, like you suggested, it only creates tension and argument. They say I don't take care of my responsibilities here, and that I'm treating them like a hotel, when really I'm treating them like a place I can't bring my boyfriend to sleep over. I come home and try to be pleasant and so on, and they love him, they say he's the best yet, has a plan, mature, funny, cares for me. Nothing seems to help.

 

I know most of you said not to move in with him, at least not for a few months, and I think that might be the best advice I've ever gotten, but what do I do in the meantime? I have a dilema! Wanting to be with my boyfriend, but having my parents angry at me all the time, like I'm 15!!! I'm not! And they can't get through that!

[babygirl21]

Hey Haku,I am 21 going on 22 and my parents treat me like I'm 15 so if it would have been me that got the offer from my boyfriend.I would have packed my clothes that night without any hesitation.But in the end the decision is all yours so do whatever you feel that you want to do.Whenever you decide I would be glad to hear your decision and maybe become friends if you want.So please keep in touch.I hope things go well with you and your boyfriend.

[moodyblues]

If it makes you feel any better, I am 28 and contemplating moving in with my bf of 8 months and am still worried as to how to tell my parents. Stupid Catholic guilt. The worst part is that I live across the country.

 

In reality, I have lived with two guys before (once when I was 22 and then from 24-26). Both ended badly. THe first guy I broke up with three months into our year lease and we lived together the rest of the time (eek!). The second guy broke up with me three months into our second year lease and he got stuck with the bill because the Apt. manager let me out of the lease and put the responsibility on him. I tried to find a subletter for him, but was unsuccessful. Anyway, my parents do not want to see me go through that again. They would rather see me with a rock on my finger first.

 

So, here is what I have learned. Always go for the six-month lease initially. However, it sounds like you are moving into his apartment which is great because the lease is only in his name and he has been paying the rent on his own for a while. If you two decided to find another apartment with both of your names on it, I would HIGHLY suggest thinking about whether you could afford that place on your own or not. However, I do agree that three months is really too soon. I DO understand the way that parents can drive you crazy though.

 

If you are going to school, can you live in the dorm? At least you would have some freedom then.

[HoldOn]

I wouldn't move in with a friend I have known for 3 months, let alone a boyfriend.

 

I think you should really think on this a little more.

 

Moving in adds a whole new element to the situation. And asking him to support you financially is just unfair. I think you should try to get on your own two feet before jumping into a dependent situation.