mcintyrek Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Alright everyone, I am having a slight issue here and hopefully someone can give me some further insight: I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 7 months now. I am 20, he's 22, and we met on an online dating site. He goes to the Virginia Military Institute, planning on going into the Navy as a Chaplain and I live in Richmond which is only two hours away studying to be a wedding planner. He's originally from Georgia. Well, things have been great in our relationship ever since the beginning except with his mother. You see, my boyfriend's dad has a case of early-onset Alzheimers and is almost in stage 7. It has taken a severe toll on his family naturally especially his mother. Well, about 3 months into our relationship, his mother started acting strange around my boyfriend and I. I have met her a few times now and spent a week with them in Georgia. When I was there, I was ignored and cast out. In the beginning, she was all gun hoe for us and now she thinks I am manipulative, possessive, immature, overreactive, a monopolizer, a liar (she took someone's words out of context) and insists that my boyfriend and I aren't in love. Now my boyfriend is the first born and I am his first girlfriend. His current situation along with these facts have created the perfect storm since he was never a rebellious teenager, however he does stick up for me and defends me. I have been nothing but polite, courteous, sweet, and well-mannered and she has insulted me and my family as well. My boyfriend plans of confronting her soon, and I have cut communication with her and the family for now because it causes emotional strain and I don't see her often at all, but my boyfriend and I agree that his mother is emotionally compromised due to her current situation and her son leaving the house. However, that gives me no right to critize me and ask her son to give up everything for her. She calls him incompetent and makes him feel incredibly guilty. I know this sounds like the average MIL v. girlfriend story, but I wish someone would give me a bit of advice. I come from a Christian family and he does to, but this is not how people act to each other. I am asking for mutual respect, not to be best friends. Thank you for letting me vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Seven months into this at age 20, why are you hanging in there? You are basically inheriting his family dynamic, how he deals with his mother, sets limits etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mcintyrek Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Look, I will be the first to tell you that he is handling it the best he can while being 500+ miles away from her. He is a great guy, just not in the perfect situation and it's not my boyfriend I have the problem with at all, it's her lack of respect. She just sounds miserable and I used to pity her, but that gives her no right to be belligerent. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Look, I will be the first to tell you that he is handling it the best he can while being 500+ miles away from her. He is a great guy, just not in the perfect situation and it's not my boyfriend I have the problem with at all, it's her lack of respect. She just sounds miserable and I used to pity her, but that gives her no right to be belligerent. Neither you, or he, can control her behaviors. It's a lie when people tell you that you don't "marry the family" in these situations, bc you absolutely do. I have an exMIL (THANKFULLY!) that was horrendous. She had a very inappropriate attachment to her baby son (my exH). It bordered on creepy, honestly, it did. She was horrible to me from the get go. She immediately "knew" that I was not good enough for him. And it went from there. I had to deal with her for 10 years, and it finally got to the point where I would literally only agree to see her about once or twice a year, and that was only for my exH's sake, and I made sure that I could get out of there ASAP. I tried being cordial, but she was sneaky catty... lol. At least, she thought she was sneaky bc my exH never picked up on it, and even when he did, he didn't defend me bc his mother also manipulated him (and everyone) with guilt. But that ****e didn't work on me, and I just started defending myself, and she cried. Oh well, guess she should have had thicker skin if she wanted to bully someone, eh? So, the good news is that your bf is defending you. Is his mother at the age where she might be going through menopause too? As, that can cause some crazy mood swings and odd behaviors, especially with the added stress of her husband's dx, and her "baby" moving out. That's a lot for one person to be handling. So, as I see it, you have 2 choices here. 1, be with him and suck it up, at least he's defending you! Many guys won't as they are afraid to upset their mothers. or 2, not be with him. I guess you could be with him and do what I did, but I only did that bc he and I were ending or R and I no longer had any reason to be nice to her. Good luck, but if you are considering marriage, know that it probably will NOT change. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mcintyrek Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 His mother is in her upper 50s and has shown no symptoms. (ie: hot flashes or sweats) To the rest, I see where your coming from. My parents are divorced but it isn't due to MIL issues but our stories are slightly different like you pointed our about the alzheimers, with my boyfriend leaving the nest, and me being his first girlfriend. With him in the Navy, we will be stationed no where near her and he's already told me we would only be able to see her maybe once a year due to the military's strain. (Which is ok by me) Look, I don't hate her. I actually think she's a good woman, just not in the right about judging me or putting my boyfriend down. She just sounds like a miserable old woman who is trying to cling to what she had and my boyfriend realizes that she cannot do that. I know that things we be alright in the end, just trying to find a route of how to ignore her a bit till things simmer down. Link to post Share on other sites
anna6543 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I had the mother in law from hell- she was so mean and hateful to me I couldn't even bring myself to go to her funeral. Her main problem with me was that she preferred my husband's first wife, and would never accept me. There was nothing I could do to change her feelings, so I just pretty much severed ties with her. My husband never stood up for me either- so at least you are in a better position there. However- now that I am at that stage of life where my children are grown up and I will be a mother in law in a few short years myself- I can attest that this is a difficult stage of life. Your bf's mother sounds to have a lot going on that is painful and it might take her quite a while to get some emotional balance back. All I can say is just be relentlessly nice- even though this is going to be challenging. Given time to adjust to the changes, she may well come to see you as an addition to the family rather than the woman who stole her son. If after a few years nothing has changed then at least you did the best you could and you can keep away from her without guilt. Link to post Share on other sites
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