Falling in love with a close friend.

[Snarf]

I was wondering if anyone could help me with a big problem that I am having with a close female friend.

 

I am part of a small very close group of friend, there are five of us. Two girls, three boys. Consisting of my best mate (21), a close mate of many years (22), and two girls that are best friends (24) and (19), and me (24). All single. We have all openly agreed that we all care very deeply about one and another. I would never want to loose such friends, but a growing love for one of the girls could cause even more problems in the future.

 

The problem lies with one of the girls, which I did like from the first day I met her, but due to her relationship with another man I never said anything. She has since split up with him and sonn after this the group of friends was formed.

 

After a number of drunken evenings out, a number of feelings were talked about between us. Yet we never followed them up as it may break up the group and the fact I was too unasure of her. Since then we have just become very close as mates, and I know her well I have been able to control my feelings for her. Until now.

 

Over the last few weeks she has become close to my best mate, whom her best friend fanices him. I didnt think much of this, until a drunken evening they ended up kissing. He doesn't know about my love for her. He thinks that is now in the past for me, and I haven't given him any reason to think otherwise.

 

It turns out that he fancys her and she does have feelings for him. The same that happened with me. They also know getting together will break up the group and she thinks he is too young for her 3 years younger. Yet I am jealous about this and it hurts.

 

I am having great difficulties meeting other women as this girl is all I want. I am prepared to wait until the right time arises to confront her with these feelings I have of her. I know if we were together it would work and we have in the past agreed that we would be good together.

 

What do I do? Wait on the possiblilty that it may happen in the future, but have to put up with being single until this time. Or get away from the group of friends, allowing myself to get over her so I can move on?

[Taressa]

Oh you sound like a sweet friend to have.

 

What you want is going to require taking some chances. I'm hoping you might already have friends outside the circle of friends that includes her. By concentrating more time and energy outside this group, it is going to free you up from the obsessive thoughts of her (no, I'm not calling you obsessive...stick with me one more moment). I believe developing relationships outside the group will also provide you the opportunity to invite her into life outside the group too so that you can experiment with building a life together before diving into a relationship that would end the friendship.

 

Keep your eyes open and choose your actions carefully. By expressing your feelings you are risking the friendship and the comfort of the group. To do less, however, is to be dishonest and compromising.

 

I am concerned, however, that this girl has shared kisses with your friend... you know her best but please examine carefully if she is someone who can treasure your love and return it faithfully.

 

Best wishes for happiness.

 

Taressa

[Tony T]

Seems like you had your chance and lost it.

 

You need to learn that if you truly have feelings for someone and they express similar feelings for you, you have to act on them...you can't wait around. She was fond of you but keeping the group together meant more to you than her love. You admitted that at the time you weren't too sure about your feelings for her.

 

Now, she has discovered that another member of the group puts his feelings for her above keeping the group together and this means a lot to her. She is also smart enough to know that this group cannot, by its nature, stay together indefinitely and that sooner or later its members will pair up with others or otherwise move on with their lives...so she is ready to take a chance on love and do that now.

 

If you were meant to be with her, that will happen at some future time. But don't hold your breath for that to happen. If you must get away from these friends to move on, by all means do so. If this lady and her new boyfriend are going to remain in the group and kiss in front of you, there is no need for you to put yourself through that.

 

Keep your feelings to yourself at this point. Discussing them at this point will only piss her off (anger her). Frankly, I think your lady friend is a bxtch, conducting herself (being affection with another in the group) in front of you fully knowing the feelings you disclosed to her.

 

Move on with your life in the most convenient way possible.

[Mitch]

Well, this other guy doesn't seem to give a damn about the "sanctity of the group" and, I guess, neither does she.

 

Who made you the group's guardian? Seems like an excuse to keep the status quo more than anything.

 

Unless you live in a small town with no access to the outside world, or ... whatever ... these people will come and go and in 5 years you probably won't have any contact with 'em. Not because of falling outs necessarily but more because people in their early twenties move on.

 

The best time to act, is now. Unfortunately this held true when you originally felt the way you do. And it might be too late.

 

But, in the chance that it isn't, you need to let your feelings known to these people in the most respectful/appropriate way possible.

 

Otherwise I promise nothing will happen.

 

Good luck.

[Deejette]

It just seems that a lot of these feelings and kissing happened after people get drunk. So I am just wondering if the feelings come out more when people are under the influence and if these feelings are for real.

Well, this other guy doesn't seem to give a damn about the "sanctity of the group" and, I guess, neither does she. Who made you the group's guardian? Seems like an excuse to keep the status quo more than anything. Unless you live in a small town with no access to the outside world, or ... whatever ... these people will come and go and in 5 years you probably won't have any contact with 'em. Not because of falling outs necessarily but more because people in their early twenties move on. The best time to act, is now. Unfortunately this held true when you originally felt the way you do. And it might be too late. But, in the chance that it isn't, you need to let your feelings known to these people in the most respectful/appropriate way possible.

 

Otherwise I promise nothing will happen.

 

Good luck.

[Snarf6]

Thanks for peoples input on this subject, but I'd thought I'd drop in a note to say what has happened tonight and what I am going to do.

 

My mate and I had a chat and we have decided to both leave her alone, he still doesn't know about my desire for her. The girls best mate is a little pissed with my best mate, I'm not sure why, but I think it immaturity, she only 19. (You may read the my first entry to under stand that!)

 

I am sure that this will start to draw the two girls away from the three lads. With this giving everyone more space to breathe. I have decided to keep my feelings to myself. Coming up to christmas I have loads of evenings booked away from everyone, maybe I may meet someone new. As for my mate, he'll stay a mate. As for the girl, I know we will stay friends. But at a greater distance.

 

I'm not execting me to get together with her, time will tell. Maybe my mate and her get together I will move on to allow them to be together. It may hurt, but I'd rather that than be selfish and pull my mates apart making sure they can interact.

 

Who can tell apart from time. But I still love her.