I am a mug

[MissDVL]

...this is what I have to keep telling myself in order to stay away from EM.

 

I have been seeing a guy who I work with for the past 3 months, who is engaged to be married by the end of the year. He pursued me for a couple of weeks before we eventually ended up sleeping together. I found out a few days into our texting that he had a fiancee, but for some reason this made it more of a challenge than a hindrance to me.

 

At first it was a bit of no strings fun, but about a month ago he was in Paris with his fiancee and I realised I had seriously fallen for him, and so attempted to break things off. We had a week of little contact (we work different shifts so rarely see each other at work), and things were going fairly well, until he asked to see me. And I crumbled. Since then we've been with each other 2-3 times a week, mainly on his days off or when he is working and he pops round to see me.

 

He rarely talks about his relationship, gave me the usual spiel at the beginning of how they rarely have sex because it is better for them (really? going into married life like that?). I have never asked him to consider leaving her, because I am worried of what the response will be. This itself should be enough to make me end it but I am in far too deep now.

 

He tells me all the time how much he cares about me, how much he misses me when we're not together, sends me songs to listen to that remind him of me etc. All of this is what makes me weak when I'm trying to be strong and walk away.

 

It all came to a head yesterday, he met my young son for the first time and it made me realise I can't bring this man into my son's life when there's no future in it. So I text him last night saying I think we should finish it. He said he knows it's heading for pain but he doesn't know how to stop it. He's already told me in the past that he would happily continue the affair into his married life, and I know he has no intention of ending it on his terms.

 

To make matters worse, this all started at a very low point for me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and was off sick from work when we first started speaking. He became a pick me up, which turned more into an antidepressant, and now I'm hooked. I'm still not in a strong enough emotional state to be able to cut all ties and walk away. I don't know what to do.

[hermione08]

Stay away from this jerk! He's going to get married, hitting on you and then saying he will get married and keep a mistress - you - anyway.

How can a man like this be good for any woman? I would consider also letting his fiancee know, at least she'll know what she's getting into.

[Silly_Girl]

I found out a few days into our texting that he had a fiancee, but for some reason this made it more of a challenge than a hindrance to me.

 

I find this unusual. A lot of the posters here don't tend to find the object of the desire being coupled up an attraction. It's normally a 'in spite of' rather than 'because of' scenario.

 

Why do you think this is? Is it a nice ego boost? Not being narky, genuinely asking.

 

I realised I had seriously fallen for him, and so attempted to break things off.

 

Hello! I remember this feeling. A few other posters probably will also.

 

He rarely talks about his relationship, gave me the usual spiel at the beginning of how they rarely have sex because it is better for them (really? going into married life like that?).

 

Can I give you a little tip? Don't focus on them. Or her. Or him even. Focus on YOU. I remember being appalled at the state of my exMM's relationship, and over time little things I heard about (not just from him) proved it was even worse than I thought. But all that really matters is: he's staying. There's enough there for him to want to stay. If she's not got him chained to a radiator in the basement then to some degree he's happy with it. So let him BE happy with it. You need to find happiness in your own life. With or without him.

 

I have never asked him to consider leaving her, because I am worried of what the response will be.

 

You KNOW what the response will be. So ask away. It's more that he might stop seeing you if you pressure him, no?

 

This itself should be enough to make me end it...

 

Possibly.

 

...but I am in far too deep now.

 

No such thing. If you want to get there, you'll get there. You'd be amazed at what's achievable

 

It all came to a head yesterday, he met my young son for the first time and it made me realise I can't bring this man into my son's life when there's no future in it.

 

I agree with you here. Kids are a game-changer in my view. There's lots you can do with little concern for the consequences when it's just you. Not so much when there's little people in the picture.

 

So I text him last night saying I think we should finish it. He said he knows it's heading for pain but he doesn't know how to stop it. He's already told me in the past that he would happily continue the affair into his married life, and I know he has no intention of ending it on his terms.

 

The 'pain' he's referring to will likely be mostly yours. Please bear that in mind. As for ending it on his terms, you're in charge of your life. You end it, or don't, you don't need his permission OR cooperation

 

To make matters worse, this all started at a very low point for me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and was off sick from work when we first started speaking.

 

Oh bless you, life can be tough and then it feels you want to pep yourself with 'good stuff'. Like wine, chocolate, sex with an unavailable man... Been there. Frustratingly we eventually realise what once made us feel 'good' has the opposite effect later down the line. My waistline could tell you that, and possibly my liver too

 

He became a pick me up, which turned more into an antidepressant, and now I'm hooked. I'm still not in a strong enough emotional state to be able to cut all ties and walk away. I don't know what to do.

 

I suspect you know what you need to do... But perhaps you don't know HOW?

[MissDVL]

I find this unusual. A lot of the posters here don't tend to find the object of the desire being coupled up an attraction. It's normally a 'in spite of' rather than 'because of' scenario.

 

Why do you think this is? Is it a nice ego boost? Not being narky, genuinely asking.

I'm not entirely sure, but an alarming fact is that a third of the men I have been in sexual relationships with had partners already! I have always wondered why this is and the only conclusion I have come to is that I always want what I can't have.

 

 

Can I give you a little tip? Don't focus on them. Or her. Or him even. Focus on YOU. I remember being appalled at the state of my exMM's relationship, and over time little things I heard about (not just from him) proved it was even worse than I thought. But all that really matters is: he's staying. There's enough there for him to want to stay. If she's not got him chained to a radiator in the basement then to some degree he's happy with it. So let him BE happy with it. You need to find happiness in your own life. With or without him.

I know this deep down, I know that he must be happy on some level in order to stay with her, and I when I give the slightest hint about him leaving her he ignores it. But I still just can't get my head around why, if he's got a happy relationship, he still wants to mess around with someone else and have the potential of ruining it if she ever found out.

 

 

You KNOW what the response will be. So ask away. It's more that he might stop seeing you if you pressure him, no?

Yes. I know that given the ultimatum, he will choose her. That's what scares me, because I don't like the thought of him not being in my life. I also don't want to give him the power of making the decision to end it. I want that to be my prerogative.

 

 

I agree with you here. Kids are a game-changer in my view. There's lots you can do with little concern for the consequences when it's just you. Not so much when there's little people in the picture.

It's affecting my relationship with my son too, the way I'm feeling now. He's gone out with grandma for a few hours because I can't go an hour without bursting into tears in front of him.

 

 

Oh bless you, life can be tough and then it feels you want to pep yourself with 'good stuff'. Like wine, chocolate, sex with an unavailable man... Been there. Frustratingly we eventually realise what once made us feel 'good' has the opposite effect later down the line. My waistline could tell you that, and possibly my liver too

I know this is true, and I wish wine and chocolate were my favoured options!

 

 

I suspect you know what you need to do... But perhaps you don't know HOW?

Exactly it. Right now I don't feel like I could have closure with it all. I need to see him again face to face and tell him exactly how I feel, give him the chance to air his thoughts and then give up and move on. I know he's not going to leave his fiancee for me, and I know I'm better than being second best. It's just getting over this inital hurdle of hurt that is proving difficult. Once I can see a light at the end of the tunnel I think it will make it much easier to move on.

[LoveTKO]

Having an affair or cheating doesn't exactly extol the virtues of ethics and trust, but to embark on an affair when you're engaged and then to follow thru with the nuptials doesn't make sense. I can understand his actions if he decided to do this with you while languishing in a fifteen plus year marriage looking for some kind of a thrill. I'm giving you a man's perspective after having read your story......"I'm happy to continue this affair into my married life" is code word for "I like to have someone on the side that I can **** often". Sorry if I sound harsh, but like they say, it is what it is.

 

You need to control this out-of-control roller coaster ride because you mentioned that you have a history of depression and anxiety. You probably gravitate towards these passionate, forbidden relationships as a means of coping with your anxiety (distraction), but when things start to go south with this guy, the depression Pandora's box will blow wide open again because your coping skills will be diminished. Take control.

[Fitz]

 

 

I know this deep down, I know that he must be happy on some level in order to stay with her, and I when I give the slightest hint about him leaving her he ignores it. But I still just can't get my head around why, if he's got a happy relationship, he still wants to mess around with someone else and have the potential of ruining it if she ever found out.

 

 

Many OP (other people) like yourself (and even betrayed spouses) fall into the same conundrum, but the answer is simple:

 

You don't have to be unhappy in your relationship in order to cheat.

 

Sure, some cheaters have broken marriages. But some cheaters have otherwise healthy marriages. And the fact that the's having a closeted affair with you is not a reflection upon the state of his marriage.

[MissDVL]

Having an affair or cheating doesn't exactly extol the virtues of ethics and trust, but to embark on an affair when you're engaged and then to follow thru with the nuptials doesn't make sense. I can understand his actions if he decided to do this with you while languishing in a fifteen plus year marriage looking for some kind of a thrill. I'm giving you a man's perspective after having read your story......"I'm happy to continue this affair into my married life" is code word for "I like to have someone on the side that I can **** often". Sorry if I sound harsh, but like they say, it is what it is.

 

You need to control this out-of-control roller coaster ride because you mentioned that you have a history of depression and anxiety. You probably gravitate towards these passionate, forbidden relationships as a means of coping with your anxiety (distraction), but when things start to go south with this guy, the depression Pandora's box will blow wide open again because your coping skills will be diminished. Take control.

 

That's what I don't get about the situation as well, I would understand it a bit more if he maybe had issues in his relationship or was getting cold feet about the wedding, but neither of those seem to be a problem. He doesn't open up at all about his other relationship, just seems to forget about it when we're together.

 

Right now my biggest issue is finding something to take my mind off him. I could attempt to go cold turkey and have NC with him but I'm not sure I have the willpower to do so, especially in the emotional state I am in.

[Fitz]

That's what I don't get about the situation as well, I would understand it a bit more if he maybe had issues in his relationship or was getting cold feet about the wedding, but neither of those seem to be a problem. He doesn't open up at all about his other relationship, just seems to forget about it when we're together.

 

Of course he "just seems to forget about it" when you're together. He's not there with you just so he can talk about his wife/fiance...

Furthermore, whether he opens up about his wife/fiance or not is completely irrelevant.

 

People in happy marriages have affairs. People in broken marriages have affairs. And the mere act of having an affair doesn't allow you to presume one or the other.

 

In other words, you cannot use the state of his marriage as leverage or justification for your affair. The worth of your relationship with MM has to be judged on it's own merits and/or shortcomings.

 

Furthermore, the focus shouldn't be wondering if his fiance is happy or if his marriage is fulfilling. The real question is "are you happy"? Are you fulfilled? Does this relationship meet all of your needs? Does this relationship fit well with your long term plans? Is this how you want to live your life. Are you prepared to deal with the consequences (good or bad) of your actions?

 

These are the more important fundamental questions you should be asking. Forget about the fiance.

Edited September 11, 2012 by Fitz

[LoveTKO]

That's what I don't get about the situation as well, I would understand it a bit more if he maybe had issues in his relationship or was getting cold feet about the wedding, but neither of those seem to be a problem. He doesn't open up at all about his other relationship, just seems to forget about it when we're together.

 

Right now my biggest issue is finding something to take my mind off him. I could attempt to go cold turkey and have NC with him but I'm not sure I have the willpower to do so, especially in the emotional state I am in.

 

 

1) Why should he open up about his other relationship? There's nothing wrong with his other relationship and I'm 100% positive that he tells his fiance that he loves her, not to mention the fact that they have awesome sex when they're together. He just wants some variety (you). He'll keep on chasing other women too.

 

2) Because of the emotional state that you're in (depression anxiety), you need to get out of this affair ASAP. You simply don't have the mental gameness, grit, and acumen to handle an affair with all the uncertainties that come with the territory. It takes a special person who is able to follow a disciplined action plan in order to make an affair work. You are already highly emotional, so getting involved with committed partners is out of your league - and I don't mean this in a condescending way.

Edited September 11, 2012 by LoveTKO

[Quiet Storm]

This guy targeted you and is exploiting your weaknesses.

 

Your son needs an emotionally healthy mom. You were already having depression and anxiety issues before you met him. Dating an engaged man is only going to exacerbate those issues. The turmoil caused by this relationship will trickle down to your son, and that's just not fair.

 

As a single mom, you owe it to your son to make healthy choices for your future.

 

This MM went to Paris with his fiance. He has no plans to cancel his engagement and even told you he'd be willing to keep you as an OW after he gets married (lucky you). Do not allow yourself to be disrespected like this.

 

This MM is not going to end your affair, as he's got a good thing going here. A fiance he loves and travels with, and an OW for excitement and sex. He will keep you on a string for as long as you are willing to hang there. You will have to be the one to end this. You are going to have to be strong. Block his emails, block his phone #s, and ask him to respect your wishes for no contact. And mean it. Don't give him any feedback, don't tell him your feelings, don't write him long texts telling him how hurt you are. Just ignore him.

 

And then focus on your son.

[MissDVL]

This MM is not going to end your affair, as he's got a good thing going here. A fiance he loves and travels with, and an OW for excitement and sex. He will keep you on a string for as long as you are willing to hang there. You will have to be the one to end this. You are going to have to be strong. Block his emails, block his phone #s, and ask him to respect your wishes for no contact. And mean it. Don't give him any feedback, don't tell him your feelings, don't write him long texts telling him how hurt you are. Just ignore him.

 

I wish it were this simple. Although we rarely see each other at work, it's a case of we are either working together or on completely different shifts. And I know that even if tonight I make the final decision and say it's over, I've got to see him at work on Friday at a leaving party. And I also know that the minute he sees me, despite me ignoring him, he will end up texting me from the other side of the room telling me how hot I look, how he's jealous of other men speaking to me, how he wants to see me when it finishes...and I don't know if I will be strong enough to say no. He knows exactly how to manipulate my feelings, and I'm stupid enough to be manipulated.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't know if I will be strong enough to say no.

 

You've got to get a grip. You are not helpless and you do have control over your actions.

 

He can do or say whatever he wants, but you don't have to respond. It's your choice to do that.

 

Here are some things you can do:

 

Tell your boss that you had a relationship with him and he's not respecting your wishes to have no contact. Ask them to schedule you two on different shifts.

 

Change your cell phone number so he can't text or call you.

 

Tell him if he doesn't leave you alone you will go to the boss and report him for harrasment.

 

Since him being engaged isn't enough to turn you off from him, maybe you need to trick your mind a little. Imagine that he's a convict, or a pedophile, or has herpes....tell yourself whatever you must to kill that attraction, even if it's a lie. Seriously, if you found out tomorrow that he was on the sex offender list as a pedophile, would you still be weak for him? Would you still fall for his BS? Doubtful. I think you'd be able to take all of the above steps with no problem at all. You would be strong enough in that situation to stick to your guns, so you can do that now, IF YOU WANT TO. The strength is inside of you, you just have to muster it. I think that you are not too weak, you just don't want it to end. You like the attention.

 

As a mother of three kids, I really don't understand how you can let a man rule you like this. It really is sad and you should try to be stronger for your kid. Allow yourself 15 minutes at the end of the day to cry and grieve this MM, but don't allow him to monoplize your mind so much that you need to send your son away. When he crosses your mind, imagine a huge red stop sign and quickly focus your thoughts on other things.

 

I would also consider therapy because you really need to find healthy ways to cope with your feelings. I don't think you want all your issues to be dumped on your son, but you just don't have the tools to deal right now. Counseling can help you learn coping skills, which are very important for your well being. You would also be able to model these skills for your son, so that he can learn to cope in healthy ways, as well.

[MissDVL]

You've got to get a grip. You are not helpless and you do have control over your actions.

 

He can do or say whatever he wants, but you don't have to respond. It's your choice to do that.

 

It's amazing how difficult it is coming home to an empty house (when my son is with his dad), and having the attention of someone to take my mind off the troubles in my life and my past. That is why I am so weak for him. It's not because of WHO he is but because of WHAT he is. He takes me to a place where the pain of my life is just that little bit easier to cope with. And that's a very hard feeling to gloss over if it's offered to me. I know this is nowhere near the right way of coping with it, but it works for me in the here and now and that's why I find it so hard to walk away.

 

 

I would also consider therapy because you really need to find healthy ways to cope with your feelings. I don't think you want all your issues to be dumped on your son, but you just don't have the tools to deal right now. Counseling can help you learn coping skills, which are very important for your well being. You would also be able to model these skills for your son, so that he can learn to cope in healthy ways, as well.

 

I have already been referred to CBT by my doctor but found it wasn't the right option for me. I'm now on a 12 week waiting list for counselling, which doesn't really help me in any way because I could do with the help NOW rather than 3 months down the line (although coincidentally when MM is due to get married).

[whichwayisup]

So you turn your phone off. You can live without having your phone on that evening. Then, the next day, change your number so he can't contact you.

 

You've only invested 3 months of your life into this affair. You're in way too deep, this all moved really quickly.

 

Don't be afraid of feeling pain..You are a lot stronger than you realize.

 

Bottomline is, this guy is NOT looking for reasons to end his engagement, he IS going to get married no matter what. He is OK with an affair though..Something you're not OK with, right?

 

If you need help getting through this, please seek counselling to help you cope and heal in a healthy way.

[whichwayisup]

It's amazing how difficult it is coming home to an empty house (when my son is with his dad), and having the attention of someone to take my mind off the troubles in my life and my past. That is why I am so weak for him. It's not because of WHO he is but because of WHAT he is. He takes me to a place where the pain of my life is just that little bit easier to cope with. And that's a very hard feeling to gloss over if it's offered to me. I know this is nowhere near the right way of coping with it, but it works for me in the here and now and that's why I find it so hard to walk away.

 

Hook up with your women friends, neighbours, family members..Keep busy and be active with hobbies, projects and even join a yoga class, or some kind of class to get yourself exhausted so you can sleep better at night.

[Quiet Storm]

It's amazing how difficult it is coming home to an empty house (when my son is with his dad), and having the attention of someone to take my mind off the troubles in my life and my past. That is why I am so weak for him. It's not because of WHO he is but because of WHAT he is. He takes me to a place where the pain of my life is just that little bit easier to cope with. And that's a very hard feeling to gloss over if it's offered to me. I know this is nowhere near the right way of coping with it, but it works for me in the here and now and that's why I find it so hard to walk away.

 

It's not really working for you, though. You're being obsessive, crying and had to send your son somewhere so you could get yourself together. So how is this working for you?

 

When you get home to an empty house, there are a million things you could do besides the MM. You could find some hobbies, organize or paint a room, watch a movie, make some friends, bake a cake, etc. It's okay to be alone sometimes. You really need to try to comfort and validate yourself, instead of looking to others for validation.

 

He may make you feel better in the moment, but it's all an illusion. When he leaves to go home to his fiance, you will crash again. The ups and downs of this relationship are just too much for someone that's as emotionally fragile as you. Especially if you have a child.

 

You have some issues to overcome, I understand that. But I can tell from your writing that you are not dumb. Do you think it's smart to continue to put your emotional health at risk, when you know you have issues already?

 

We can only offer so much advice... you have to be willing to help yourself.

 

It's not easy and it's going to hurt. But the only way out is to go through it and feel the pain. There is no magical pill that's going to make this easy.

[Artie Lang]

OP, you really need to cut this off.

 

as someone else already pointed out, he's using your vulnerability and exploiting it to get his rocks off.

 

he even offered to continue the affair well past his nuptials. he's a no good cake-eater, and you're the flavor of the month.

 

if you're comfortable becoming his "side dish," then be my guest. I tend to think you deserve better.

[gena]

It's amazing how difficult it is coming home to an empty house (when my son is with his dad), and having the attention of someone to take my mind off the troubles in my life and my past. That is why I am so weak for him. It's not because of WHO he is but because of WHAT he is. He takes me to a place where the pain of my life is just that little bit easier to cope with. And that's a very hard feeling to gloss over if it's offered to me. I know this is nowhere near the right way of coping with it, but it works for me in the here and now and that's why I find it so hard to walk away.

 

 

 

I understand exactly what you mean by it not being WHO he is , but WHAT he does for you in the moment. I was the same way when I sought attention from other men on line (ex boyfriends from HS) . It was like an addiction , the ATTENTION is what I needed most of all. It is good you recognize that . I think the best thing for you to do is ignore this guy and find different and more healthy ways to occupy your time. Walking away is the best thing you can do for your self esteem. This guy has no intention of making you number one in his life, and it is torturing you emotionally, what is the point? The instant gratification of the attention he gives you in the moment doesn't seem worth the price you are paying emotionally over all.

 

In my case, I deactivated facebook so I didn't have to worry if an ex would send me an email and start the whole process over again. It was not easy giving up that ego boost, but I realized I needed to find that from within.

[ForeverHopeful1]

Youre wasting your life with this idiot. That is all he is. What happens if he doesnt get married and ends up with you (oh and it never happens that way... cheaters dont usually leave for the mistress?) You will be stuck with a cheater yourself. If he will do it with you, he will do it to you. Wake up, be a mother first, and stop wasting time with this man. He is not worth your precious time. xoxoxoxox You are better than this and deserve someone who cares for you and someone you can share your life with ultimately.

[Silly_Girl]

Youre wasting your life with this idiot. That is all he is. What happens if he doesnt get married and ends up with you (oh and it never happens that way... cheaters dont usually leave for the mistress?) You will be stuck with a cheater yourself. If he will do it with you, he will do it to you. Wake up, be a mother first, and stop wasting time with this man. He is not worth your precious time. xoxoxoxox You are better than this and deserve someone who cares for you and someone you can share your life with ultimately.

 

Cheaters DON'T...? Some do, some don't. Some go on to cheat again, some don't. Overall sentiment is good though.

[2sure]

I'm not entirely sure, but an alarming fact is that a third of the men I have been in sexual relationships with had partners already! I have always wondered why this is and the only conclusion I have come to is that I always want what I can't have.

 

No, thats not the reason you end up with unavailable men.You answered your own question below.

 

This is:

 

 

To make matters worse, this all started at a very low point for me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and was off sick from work when we first started speaking. He became a pick me up, which turned more into an antidepressant, and now I'm hooked. I'm still not in a strong enough emotional state to be able to cut all ties and walk away. I don't know what to do.[/QUOTE]

 

Some Women that are vulnerable date unavailable men.

Most Women who are strong, stable and healthy date available men.

Vulnerability of OW is a key ingredient that MM like yours look for if they are seeking an affair outside of their main relationship.

 

 

It took me a long time to acknowledge this. But when I did, I was able to work on my vulnerabilities instead of making them worse.

[MissDVL]

He wanted to see me yesterday, which we had arranged a few days ago. I told him I was neither mentally or physically able to do it as I had changed my plans. Had a big argument over something I put on Facebook ("Never allow someone to become your priority, when all you are to them is an option"). He says I "never made him my priority because of all the dates I've been on since we've been seeing each other". Told him I CAN'T make him my priority because of the situation and why can't he understand that? He says he values me more than any of them have done.

 

Feeling a bit confused about the whole thing. I felt more positive yesterday morning but now just feel a bit numb. Glad I didn't see him yesterday though or I may be feeling even worse.

[MissDVL]

I'm not entirely sure, but an alarming fact is that a third of the men I have been in sexual relationships with had partners already! I have always wondered why this is and the only conclusion I have come to is that I always want what I can't have.

 

No, thats not the reason you end up with unavailable men.You answered your own question below.

 

This is:

 

 

To make matters worse, this all started at a very low point for me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and was off sick from work when we first started speaking. He became a pick me up, which turned more into an antidepressant, and now I'm hooked. I'm still not in a strong enough emotional state to be able to cut all ties and walk away. I don't know what to do.[/QUOTE]

 

Some Women that are vulnerable date unavailable men.

Most Women who are strong, stable and healthy date available men.

Vulnerability of OW is a key ingredient that MM like yours look for if they are seeking an affair outside of their main relationship.

 

 

It took me a long time to acknowledge this. But when I did, I was able to work on my vulnerabilities instead of making them worse.

 

The only thing with this is, before I met MM and before my period of depression, I have always been a very strong, independent person. The previous relationships I have had with MM have never turned out this way, because I always managed to keep my feelings separated from the actual situation.

 

This is why I'm not sure why (before current MM), I always seem to attract/be attracted to MM? It wasn't a case of vulnerability in the past; in fact at one stage I was in exactly the same situation with another MM. He too was due to be married a few months later, I worked with him, all the signs point to the same thing. But I was in a very good place in my life, and the only reason we split was because I found out he'd also been sleeping with my mate!

 

I'm hoping that this kind of issue I can get to the bottom of when I start counselling (whenever the hell that might be).

[Artie Lang]

you mean you've been involved with other MM before? at your workplace, also?

 

 

maybe you should cut back on the INAPPROPRIATE office romances you indulge in.

[todreaminblue]

...this is what I have to keep telling myself in order to stay away from EM.

 

I have been seeing a guy who I work with for the past 3 months, who is engaged to be married by the end of the year. He pursued me for a couple of weeks before we eventually ended up sleeping together. I found out a few days into our texting that he had a fiancee, but for some reason this made it more of a challenge than a hindrance to me.

 

At first it was a bit of no strings fun, but about a month ago he was in Paris with his fiancee and I realised I had seriously fallen for him, and so attempted to break things off. We had a week of little contact (we work different shifts so rarely see each other at work), and things were going fairly well, until he asked to see me. And I crumbled. Since then we've been with each other 2-3 times a week, mainly on his days off or when he is working and he pops round to see me.

 

He rarely talks about his relationship, gave me the usual spiel at the beginning of how they rarely have sex because it is better for them (really? going into married life like that?). I have never asked him to consider leaving her, because I am worried of what the response will be. This itself should be enough to make me end it but I am in far too deep now.

 

He tells me all the time how much he cares about me, how much he misses me when we're not together, sends me songs to listen to that remind him of me etc. All of this is what makes me weak when I'm trying to be strong and walk away.

 

It all came to a head yesterday, he met my young son for the first time and it made me realise I can't bring this man into my son's life when there's no future in it. So I text him last night saying I think we should finish it. He said he knows it's heading for pain but he doesn't know how to stop it. He's already told me in the past that he would happily continue the affair into his married life, and I know he has no intention of ending it on his terms.

 

To make matters worse, this all started at a very low point for me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and was off sick from work when we first started speaking. He became a pick me up, which turned more into an antidepressant, and now I'm hooked. I'm still not in a strong enough emotional state to be able to cut all ties and walk away. I don't know what to do.

 

Go no contact I would, take some anti depressants.If i was in your situation I would say NC but thats me I also suffer from depression and another disorder not really diagnosable as disorders that are compounded by issues normally arent easily diagnosed a lot of what i have been going through i have worked out by having spirituality in my life I have a scrip tfor a combined anti depressant mood stabiliser I have not filled the script because i have been working through it keeping active and if i felt like you in a triangle ....i would fill the script......

 

 

I think this is where i was meant to be things happen for a reason and even through my worst day......i have not needed to fill the script ....try journaling how you feel as well....I have fallen for a guy....that is in my heart not the brain....(even though i think of him daydream it is in my heart).... very parallell we seem to be you and i are situations are similar....the difference is if i dont think it has a chance.....i walk away.......until i feel in my heart there is no chance, if i were to find out he is engaged i would walk and go no contact.I contemplated this already as he has stated basically that his heart is taken.He is single at the moment........as soon as he isnt I have to go .......and walk away...it would not be fair on anyone involved, for me to have these feeling and be in contact and yes it would break my heart.....at least i know that it can be broken and it isnt broken now........I would continue with my fitness and find someone who loves me and only me.....further much further down the track or not....ill figure it out when i get to that stage at the moment i dont need to i will not pre-empt the future ill let it come to me.......and deal with it without compromising what i believe in....deb