He needs time, flipping out, overwhelmed. Done!

[SMF]

I am very confused. I have been dating a wonderful person for about 8 months and we have had a very open, honest, healthy relationships. I am 26 and he is 29. No bumps, barely any arguments. We spoke about our future and how happy we were to enter the next phase (rings, weddings, living together, etc..) The only arugment we encountered was about the fact that he didn't say "I love you". He has never said these words to anyone. I was feeling it and we were talking about such serious topics, I was uncertain as to why he didn't say it. He responded with his actions speak loud and I trusted that- bc they did and this was backed up with him discussing future plans. We were so so happy about our future together. Then OUT OF THE BLUE, he flipped. He was overwhelmed with his professional life and then he said he wanted space, feels pressure (meanwhile he put the pressure on himself). He needed time. I said how much time, what do you mean do you need a week, a month, 5 months and he replied "i hope it doesn't take that long". What does he have an agenda in mind? I said what do you think I am going to be here waiting? He replied "i hope you would wait but I can understand why you wouldn't" He said "let me flip out". So I just tried my best to hold it together and bring him to his senses but he said that "he didnt want to be in this relationship anymore". So we left the conversation - broken up. We were done. My fear is that he wanted space and he knows the person I am and I really don't do well with space, thus his only choice to think about things was to break up no matter how cruel and painful it was. He had ample time to bring this up to me and we could have worked it out but he showed no warning signs of a break up or him being unhappy. If anything he kept it in-zero signs. This happened 1 week ago. I did nothing wrong. I was faithful and devoted in our relationship and I am not blaming myself one bit. I called this past Sunday and he never returned my call.

Does he need time?

Will he comes to his senses?

Its not like him to ignore my call- does this mean he is over the relationship or is he trying to sort through his emotions???

When we were breaking up he agreed that he could be making the biggest mistake of his life. Someone please give me some advice. Will calling push him further away?

[EC]

He's flipping and he needs time.

 

I say let him go and sort out his feelings but like you said don't wait around for him forever.

 

I say be happy he told you theres a problem and that if its not meant to be (godforbid) that you know instead of finding out later down in the road when your in your "happy future" together.

 

Sometimes people need time to sort there feelings out and need to just disconnect with the world.

 

I know because I've done it.

 

Give him time.

[jw32802]

Give him that time he needs and date too . YOUR BIGGEST MISTAKE will be if you contact him. DONT CONTACT HIM. he wants space, give it to him! he will probably regret it and worry why you arent calling him

[SMF]

Thank you, that makes me feel a lot better. I have been just worried that my passiveness (of not calling/not emailing) is watching the relationship go further down the drain, despite that he put it in the drain. Its is my tendency to patch things up, calm someone and sometimes convince and I don't want to do that here.

 

I want to remain the strong person that I am.

 

Is 1 week a long time to be broken up?

[jw32802]

No. ONe week is not long at all. I know some great ebooks that you can read that can help you. They really helped me, they tell you how you can stop your breakup BY GIVING THEM TIME, that pursuing just drives them away, etc etc. What to do in the meantime (workout every day, get gorgeous, he wont be able to resist). Drop me an email [email protected]

[BM30153]

SMF

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a similar experience happen to me recently too. Dated someone for 4.5 months and he never said "I Love you," but everything (all of his actions) indicated that he felt strongly about me..or at least I thought they did. He broke up with me out of the blue.....still trying to cope with the aftermath.

 

Anyway, one week is not long at all and I would say you should try NC (No Contact) for a while. Let him come to you on his own volition. If he really wants you back, he will figure out a way. The best way to go about it is to adopt the philosophy of "Expect the Worst, but hope for the best." But, I guess in this case, even hope would be excrutiatingly painful b/c then it would hold you back from moving on. I dont' know your situation, but if he initiated the "break," then he needs to work a little harder if he wants you back. In the meantie, you should probably operate under the assumption that is it over and start picking up the pieces of your own life and move on.

 

I recently did the same to thing to a much younger man I dated before the ex of 4.5 months. I told him I needed time even though I was becoming quite attached to him. The time was for me to sort my own things out, but it the need for the break was a clear indication to me that my head and my heart were not in the same place. Of course, after 2 weeks, I realized that time wasn't going to change anything.....so, I had to let him go.....it was an amicable break-up, but it wasn't fair for me to have him hanging onto a hope that the relationship would work, when it was never going to due to circumstances beyond our control. I cried when we ended things, but I also knew it was for the best. You should do the same....let him go.....hopefully you will learn something about yourself in the process.

 

I wish you the best.

[EC]

Bm I respect you even more now.

 

It's hard to like to get attatched to someone and now its not going to work and even though your going to be alone, you let them go.

 

It's a very brave and mature thing to do.

 

SMF unfortunately there is nothing you can do but wait.

[SMF]

OH I am quite angry. I got an email from him after I sent an email asking when he thought it would be appropriate to speak. He stated that further discussions would not be helpful to either of us and he is not PREPARED to RECONSIDER.

 

Then proceeded to say that he is sorry but it is over and it is not "there"for him anymore.

 

1- What a coward to do this over email

2- I never was asking him to reconsider - so why does he need to tell me that he is not "Ready to Reconsider".

3-This all ended so suddenly, so abrubtly that I never ever had a chance to speak to him about my feelings in the situation.

 

The man has gone nutty.

[trouble]

SMF

If you really don't want to go through any more with him then try to start healing and move on. Think about whether or not hearing the words "I love you" are essential to you. Assess your relationship strengths and weaknesses and really try to figure out if it is worth waiting for. He may just need time to figure out what is going on in his life.

 

Your best bet is not to call or contact him in any way. He needs time to cool off and also time to miss you. I am having to do that now and it is hard but I know that if he comes back to me it will be because he wanted to not because I was pressuring him.

 

Hopefully things will work out for you.

Trouble

[SMF]

That is true. You definitely cannot make something happen. If it was meant to happen it will be.

I am thankful that I wasn't living with him before this happened as we were doing long distance and seeing each other every weekend.

 

I spoke with his dad who said - maybe he needs time and is sowing his wild oats. I have no idea what that means. His dad and I are very close and thinks he could be making a mistake but cannot speak for his son. I have to just move on.

 

Each day will get easier for you as well. Concentrate on yourself. How old are you might I ask?

[zay]

I read your story!

 

Are u sorry that you sent him an e-mail?

don't be he was looking for a way to say it and you helped him.

 

I feel your pain- I do - you need to consider the relationship over!

 

If he comes back at least you will have a clear head and be able to re-evaluate

 

without being too emotional.

 

This sounds like it really is him and not you-

 

stay strong and get through each day don't think ahead just think about getting through the now!

 

good luck--- absolutely no contact!

[SMF]

No I am not sorry I sent the email. He is a coward and scared of his own shadow.

 

The mere fact that we spoke about future stuff but he never said I love you just seems to be problematic for me.

 

You don't fall in love after you get married.

 

I am moving on.

I am not waiting for him to re-flip into this.

[trouble]

I am 28.

He just e-mailed me and told me to figure out when I was going to get my stuff. I know now that he is really serious about it being over. I will still hold on to some hope but not too much.

[SMF]

Take the high road and just assume that it is over.

It is SO hard to do. But look at the big picture rather then the pieces.

In the end, it might be the best. You wouldn't wanted to have been divorced or left with children. DO NOT blame yourself. I know that it is hard not to do that. But you acted out in ways that either you need to work on or were inflicted by him. Just try and be strong.

[SMF]

I think my ex bf who is 29 is going through a really big mid life (So to speak) crisis.

Not only did he snap/break up with me/refuses contact but now is not even speaking to his 2 closest friends.

 

Do you think that if someone is evaluating their life... they shut others out???