When he loves his car more than his girlfriend...

[DuchessKaye]

I don't know if I am being shallow about this but this has been bugging me over the past few days.

 

My boyfriend of less than 3 months just pissed me off for the first time today. He always tells me how much he loves his car, that it is his baby, that it deserves to be on the top of his priorities, and when I told him I want him to love me the most he said, "I love you, but not as much as I love my car." And then I said, "Oh is that it? Go cuddle with your car then!" He said, "Already did." This morning, he tried to hug me but I said, "How about you hug your car first?" He said, "Oh I just gave her a big hug." I said, "Did she hug you back?" He said, "No, she's sick. Couldn't move. But I made her feel better." Yeah, he calls it "HER" like as if it's his girl. Ugh.

 

At first, these stuffs were nothing but fun conversations cause I thought he was just being funny until he said he was going to spend more than 9,000 dollars for the car modification. Sounds, speakers, car seats, mags, etc. etc. Really? The car itself costs too much already. Why spend so much for that lifeless thang? Especially now that we just had a talk about buying OUR own house and living in together soon?

 

Aside from this, everything else between us is doing great though, and when I say everything else, I really mean everythinggg else, and he's been generous to me too. Am I overreacting? Do guys really spend that much for their hobbies and interests? Should I just let him do what he wants to do? Since it's his own money, anyway?

 

Thoughts on this?

 

I know I'm a great woman but there are times like now that I tend to get insecure about silly things...

[CarrieT]

Being on the same financial paid for a shared future is not an insecure, little thing.

 

And if you two are thinking of buying a house, you two are going to have to be upfront about sharing life's financial challenges and the fact that he is going to spend so much on a vehicle is a giant red flag and you are right to be concerned.

 

If he is this obsessed with his car, how does he support his habit? Are you okay with his lifestyle and how he pays his bills and makes his way in life? How about other core values? These are all things you will need to consider as you prepare to share a life with this person.

 

I don't think you are being insecure at all. A year ago, I was dating a man whose job was more important than pursuing a relationship. He would call me when he had time and it was not enough for me. It is similar in that this guy I was dating had something in his life that expended more time and energy than I was comfortable with and I broke up with him. I wanted more of his time and attention than he was capable of giving and if your BF has his affections directed elsewhere - even an inanimate object - it could be a breaking point.

[january2011]

9,000 USD is a lot of money to drop on a car that's only going to depreciate in value. Not really a wise investment, in my opinion. Does he regularly drop a lot of money on "things"?

 

While it is indeed his money to spend as he wishes. If it were me, I'd be concerned that if we joined our finances in the future, he'd continue the big spending and making unwise financial decisions.

 

Generosity is a good trait to have, but poor financial management is not.

 

Having said that, if he can pay his bills on time, then perhaps he feels entitled to spend the rest on whatever he chooses. I would say though, that you might have to delay your house-buying plans if as a result of his car investment, he can't afford to meet his half of the deposit for the house.

[DuchessKaye]

While I didn't bother to ask him how much money he makes, I know for sure that he's doing great money-wise knowing he's got a good paying job. And he's told me before that he has an excellent amount of savings in the bank even before he moved to states. (He is originally from Netherlands.) Ever since we got together, he usually spent here and there which I didn't mind cause they were things that were for both of us, like traveling, activities together, etc. etc. And even though he was that too much of a squanderer, I wasn't that bothered cause like what January said, he feels he is entitled to spend on whatever he chooses because he is capable to pay ALL his bills on time with no struggling. But when we talked about moving in together, I expected him to be more tight in budgeting. But that's not really my main concern. My top concern is his obsession to his car that I just came to realize just recently. When I say things about the car, all he has to say is "Be nice, that's my baby." And when I say, "Ok fine, keep on loving your goddam car! Let's see what it can do for you." He's gonna say, "Are you being jealous of her?" When I say YES, he only laughs. What makes it more annoying is that he doesn't mind even if I am serious about this and he thinks that I'm giving him an attitude about something that is not really a big deal. Grrrrrrr!

[Ruby Slippers]

I think you'd be wise to just have fun with this. He is just messing with you. Fawn over your purse or something, and tell him it makes you happier than he does.

 

My boyfriend loves expensive sports cars and says if he can afford it, someday he'll drop some money on a very nice one. The one he likes best is about $350,000 - but he'll settle for a $150,000 Ferrari

 

My opinion is that if he's willing to work hard to make the kind of money he needs to afford such a car, more power to him.

 

Last week, he was talking about maybe spending $3,000 on a really nice camera. That would be a MAJOR purchase for me, but for him it's not a big deal.

 

If your boyfriend has the money to spend $9,000 on enhancements for his car, so what? As long as he's paying his bills and not being a tightwad with you, I see no problem here.

[irin]

ouch there goes materialistic people for you.

[carhill]

Car lovers will love cars.

 

OP, my advice would be to avoid comparisons and focus on what you want from this relationship.

 

Instead of 'you care more about your car than you do me', try 'I feel abandoned when xxxx and xxxx happens'

 

Lastly, lead by example. Prioritize BF the way you like to be prioritized.

 

If no joy, next. People are who people are.

[DuchessKaye]

Ruby Slippers has a good point and so does Carhill and everyone else. I guess, I'll just start thinking of something that I can use to mess back with him

 

By the way, yes, if I've only been with a girl for a few months my car is much more important. And my house. And my dog.

 

Aww, harsh...

[SeattleBabe]

It's his money, he works hard for it so he definitely deserves to have some freedom to choose to where he would spend it. Well of course, that's as long as he's not putting himself in some financial stress.

[D'1ThatGotAway]

Wow, I felt like I wrote this thread years ago, my ex was the exact same way. I didn't try to control him though because it was his money and not 'ours' yet. But things came to the breaking point so I walked out of the relationship because if I didn't, I would have murdered him for spending too much on unnecessary things. I was very cheap at the time.

[veggirl]

his car is his hobby. I don't see the point in judging the X dollar amount he spends on it, if he can afford it which it sounds like he can.

 

I think you sound really insecure when you tell someone after 3 mos "I want to be what you love the most" and tbh I would be turned off if a guy was already whining about stuff like that to me 3 mos in.

[EasyHeart]

Every man loves his car more than his girlfriend.

 

Jes sayin'.

[SeattleBabe]

Every man loves his car more than his girlfriend.

 

Jes sayin'.

 

This reminds me of my friend who refers her husband's car as his mistress.

 

Well, boys.

[Ruby Slippers]

I think it's cute that my guy's into cars.

 

This is the first Car Guy I've ever dated. He likes to show me these review videos of all these hot cars, and we have fun with it.

 

He even recommended the perfect car for me - if/when I can afford to buy it - based on all my input on what I like in terms of functionality and styling. He really did recommend a car that seems perfect for me.

 

He's got an engineering background and explains the fascinating aspects of engines, torque, and other elements. I actually learn interesting new things.

 

The best part is when he drives fast and with a lot of agility. His car has a powerful engine, and silly kids like to challenge him with their souped-up cars. He just laughs at them, then shuts 'em down and drives on his merry way. I think the way he drives is sexy

[SeattleBabe]

^ Sure, I'm turned on by guys that are into cars and those that have cars. Man's car has something to say about him, doesn't it?

[InJest]

Duchess, its really not worth complaining over. At less than 3 months in, you have zero say in how he spends his money. This is an easy dump though, this guy sounds like a moron. Also, why the hell are you thinking about buying a house with him. You sound like a controlling, psycho tbh.

[SeattleBabe]

Duchess, its really not worth complaining over. At less than 3 months in, you have zero say in how he spends his money. This is an easy dump though, this guy sounds like a moron. Also, why the hell are you thinking about buying a house with him. You sound like a controlling, psycho tbh.

 

THEY had a talk about buying a house for them to move in together. How is it her being a controlling, psycho...?

[eleanorhurting]

Duchess, its really not worth complaining over. At less than 3 months in, you have zero say in how he spends his money. This is an easy dump though, this guy sounds like a moron. Also, why the hell are you thinking about buying a house with him. You sound like a controlling, psycho tbh.

 

Hey Duchess

 

I know how you feel. That comment was definitely rude and although he probably was joking, I would have felt uncomfortable too.

 

However, 3 months is a very little amount of time! I don't know about you but to me love takes time. Has he told you he loves you yet? If he has not, maybe the car comment was his way of letting you know he is not ready to say it yet?

 

I agree that at 3 months its too early to be thinking of buying a house and to be demanding that he love you more than his car (although he really should)

[kaylan]

Let him enjoy his hobby OP. Hes obviously just kidding around with you most of the time.

 

Be an adult and stop being insecure. He obviously enjoys being with you.

[DuchessKaye]

Hello,

 

As far as I can recall, we've been spending a lot of time together over the past 3 months. It's not like, weekends after weekends. First 2 weeks all day everyday, we traveled down to his home country and I have already met his family on that trip. Next few weeks till now, we stay either at his place or my place (more of an alternate schedule). Sleep together, eat together, etc. And yes, he's said I love you to me even before we became official. After we decided to be exclusive, it's been a routine for him to say "I love you" more than 10 times everyday. And we already have our commitment rings, I was posting about him and all things that were going on and if you have read them, you can say it was all quite good.

 

It was after I felt bad when he came to me to say I love you when I told him that I wanted him to love me the most and not just love me. I was just trying to make him say something that will show affection at the time.

 

And also I don't think I have zero say about his finances since he's been quite involved about mine as we're already planning A LOT for our future together.

 

But anyways, like what Eddie said, this is the only thing that I see is wrong, everything else is awesome, so yeah, maybe I should just be thankful that I don't have to deal with anything more other than this.

[DuchessKaye]

Let him enjoy his hobby OP. Hes obviously just kidding around with you most of the time.

 

Be an adult and stop being insecure. He obviously enjoys being with you.

 

Hi Kaylan. Yeps, thanks. I will try and do my best to be an adult and stop being insecure

[veggirl]

not to rain on your parade or anything but isn't this a bit much for just 3 mos? you guys got "committment rings" (what is that? are you engaged?) before you even had your first argument? honestly you have nothing to lose by slowing it down a little bit....

[kaylan]

^I agree with this. Saying I love you before actually dating and knowing one another really well? Commitment rings before even a year together?

 

I understand the high of a new relationship is really intoxicating, but you guys need to slow up and be more realistic. I think this rushing and clinginess is why you take the car thing so seriously. My point is that all this rushing seems to cause quick burnout from what I have seen.

 

I can only imagine if hes gonna get insecure over something minor himself. How old are you two btw?

[Ruby Slippers]

^ Sure, I'm turned on by guys that are into cars and those that have cars. Man's car has something to say about him, doesn't it?

Sure - but I also don't judge a guy if he doesn't care about cars and has a functional but modest one.

 

My boyfriend has a nice, high-quality car that he bought slightly used, and I complimented him for not wasting money and for making a wise investment.

[Later82012]

I know someone that loved his car so much that he insulted his wife right before me when he felt she slammed the door shut a little harder and they were newly wed (less than a year). I felt so bad for her.