k100danny Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 This is something I think I have realised since I was in NC for around 7 weeks before she broke it and then another 2 weeks before she contacted me again. All the time in NC i knew i wasn't fully over her but wasn't sure what or why I was holding on and the realisation that i might be nowhere near getting over her got me talking to friends and to people close to me who saw me change about why this could be. I think I am measuring my happiness on how well she "seems" to be doing now, of course I think wow she's moved on, gone to a different country and is happy travelling and has found a new handsome boyfriend. She tells me she is doing great and can't imagine living in the city that we both lived in again and I think what i'm doing is comparing myself to her. I'm thinking she is having this great wonderful time and im still working in my own company although my business is expanding i feel she is doing more with her life. and although travelling out of a backpack or moving from country to country is never something i really wanted I feel she is making the most of life and well trying to measure up to that might be holding me back. I have become very self conscious while she has been away especially when i found out she was seeing someone and she had made a remark about how cute he was, I have to say he is a very handsome guy but i used to think i was too and i do get compliments ect quite a lot so there is nothing to say im not. basically I think i am losing my looks now im nearly 30, hair feels thinner ect and i don't know how true it is but i feel it my looks ect have really taken a battering since we split up even though that was only 3 months ago. I know I will never know if she is as happy as she says and it's easy looking at someone else to think everything is great from their side but it's not always the case (one problem with facebook why it makes people unhappy, everyone puts on their best self and it looks like everyone has a wonderful life) she had told me recently after her getting back in touch that she is a different person out there, very happy and it was like a fresh start. she said remember how i was always going in moods and storming off ect well im not like that here im so happy. I don't know if this can fully be the case, I mean sure she is likely to be happier in a sunny climate in the countryside surrounded by horses as this is what she loves but can a place change a personality or was the being miserable down to me and baggage from her previous relationship she has now managed to leave behind? I will never know the answers to these things but they have cropped up in my mind knowing she is back in my home town today sometime and could be here up to two weeks. She has asked to meet but like someone said to me, she probably feels guilty and wants to see you are ok (i've told her im fine and didn't make a fuss when she found someone new) and that she will obviously put on her best front anyway to me and tell me she is over the moon even if that isn't the case so I think it will just damage my confidence even more If i meet up with her. She always said she was happy with me but not in england but i think if you're happy and i a good relationship then the place isn't the problem it's where your head is at. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 If you're truely in NC then you shouldn't have a clue on how she's doing. The most important thing you should be concerned about is how YOU are doing. You should get to a point that when you think of your Ex, it should be with indifference. So, time to be selfish and work on you. SHe's going to do her own thing. She's not your concern or problem anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author k100danny Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 I understand that obviously you want to get to the point where you don't really care. I didn't actually truly know how she was doing other than before we split she told me she was really happy in italy, and just after for the few days we stayed in contact. As i say i was in NC after i found out she had found someone else and she broke it, i was very calm and collected the first time and didn't even want to get back in touch, I topped the conversation dead. the second time i kind of caved and I thought if she was coming back to my town then it was best to clear the air as last time we saw each other we were together and hadnt spoken in 2 months so we spoke on the phone and this is when she told me of how well she was doing. So yeah i guess im not in NC now, I mean I'm not contacting her but i have replied and had conversation with her especially after the phone call. she said she will call sometime when she is in england and see if i want to meet up, she couldnt give me a date or time or even tell me how long she would be here which annoyed me as she contacted me in advance of coming so she knows i know she is here now and i have no clue when she will decide its a good time to get in touch. I have a sneaky feeling she will arrive back, see old friends we had in common ect and rethink the idea of getting in touch again and meeting up. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 k100danny.... first of all, the same people who replied to your other posts are going to see this one... And secondly, we're going to wonder when you're going to stop even thinking about things that keep you stuck. The answer to your question is, that frankly, it doesn't matter. You shouldn't be able to compare, and even if you can - it really is no measure of what their hearts and minds are doing.... They could be earning twice as much as you and going out every night - that doesn't mean they're happier.... Stop doing this to yourself, now..... Link to post Share on other sites
collegemuse Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 When I was broken up with I coped by partying with my friends and going abroad for a few months. My ex coped by sleeping with many, many girls. How do I know? I still had his facebook password. It took a while before I stopped stalking, but eventually, I was having so much fun that I would forget to check his account for a few days, a few weeks, and at last, months. We strictly had no contact for almost a YEAR!!! It was weird because we were in a serious, involved relationship. He got a girlfriend, but it was after I had already gotten over him. I was single, but happy, so surprisingly, this didn't hurt me, not at all. In fact, I was laughing at his stupidity. This girl was clearly not right for him based on just the few things I knew about her. Plus he had said he wanted to be single until he graduated college. A couple months later, I get a phonecall at 4 am from him CRYING over how terrible a gf she is. LOL. I can't tell you how amused I was that this was the reason he called me after a year! Of course, I told him to **** off, and we never spoke again... Moral of the story: screw her, find your OWN happiness and stop looking at what shes doing. You don't really know how happy or unhappy she is. Link to post Share on other sites
sweetheart5381 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 When I was broken up with I coped by partying with my friends and going abroad for a few months. My ex coped by sleeping with many, many girls. How do I know? I still had his facebook password. It took a while before I stopped stalking, but eventually, I was having so much fun that I would forget to check his account for a few days, a few weeks, and at last, months. We strictly had no contact for almost a YEAR!!! It was weird because we were in a serious, involved relationship. He got a girlfriend, but it was after I had already gotten over him. I was single, but happy, so surprisingly, this didn't hurt me, not at all. In fact, I was laughing at his stupidity. This girl was clearly not right for him based on just the few things I knew about her. Plus he had said he wanted to be single until he graduated college. A couple months later, I get a phonecall at 4 am from him CRYING over how terrible a gf she is. LOL. I can't tell you how amused I was that this was the reason he called me after a year! Of course, I told him to **** off, and we never spoke again... Moral of the story: screw her, find your OWN happiness and stop looking at what shes doing. You don't really know how happy or unhappy she is. I agree. I am completely over my ex now and I will tell you what worked for me... I treated him like he was an addiction. As soon as I would realize I was thinking about him, I diverted my attention, purposefully. As soon as I wondered if he was out with a new girl, if he was happy, how he felt about me, etc, I squelched it. I picked up a book, talked to a friend, balanced my household budget (fun, fun I might add ) anything to stop wondering. You know what? It worked. Within a couple weeks I retrained my mind (cognitive behavioural therapy) to automatically divert my attention elsewhere. It's like when you are trying to quit smoking - the cravings only last as long as you let them - either you give in and have a cig (aka think about the ex, miss them, etc) OR you find something else more worthy of your attention (like your inner happiness). All the best OP Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 This is something I think I have realised since I was in NC for around 7 weeks before she broke it and then another 2 weeks before she contacted me again. All the time in NC i knew i wasn't fully over her but wasn't sure what or why I was holding on and the realisation that i might be nowhere near getting over her got me talking to friends and to people close to me who saw me change about why this could be. I think I am measuring my happiness on how well she "seems" to be doing now, of course I think wow she's moved on, gone to a different country and is happy travelling and has found a new handsome boyfriend. She tells me she is doing great and can't imagine living in the city that we both lived in again and I think what i'm doing is comparing myself to her. I'm thinking she is having this great wonderful time and im still working in my own company although my business is expanding i feel she is doing more with her life. and although travelling out of a backpack or moving from country to country is never something i really wanted I feel she is making the most of life and well trying to measure up to that might be holding me back. I have become very self conscious while she has been away especially when i found out she was seeing someone and she had made a remark about how cute he was, I have to say he is a very handsome guy but i used to think i was too and i do get compliments ect quite a lot so there is nothing to say im not. basically I think i am losing my looks now im nearly 30, hair feels thinner ect and i don't know how true it is but i feel it my looks ect have really taken a battering since we split up even though that was only 3 months ago. I know I will never know if she is as happy as she says and it's easy looking at someone else to think everything is great from their side but it's not always the case (one problem with facebook why it makes people unhappy, everyone puts on their best self and it looks like everyone has a wonderful life) she had told me recently after her getting back in touch that she is a different person out there, very happy and it was like a fresh start. she said remember how i was always going in moods and storming off ect well im not like that here im so happy. I don't know if this can fully be the case, I mean sure she is likely to be happier in a sunny climate in the countryside surrounded by horses as this is what she loves but can a place change a personality or was the being miserable down to me and baggage from her previous relationship she has now managed to leave behind? I will never know the answers to these things but they have cropped up in my mind knowing she is back in my home town today sometime and could be here up to two weeks. She has asked to meet but like someone said to me, she probably feels guilty and wants to see you are ok (i've told her im fine and didn't make a fuss when she found someone new) and that she will obviously put on her best front anyway to me and tell me she is over the moon even if that isn't the case so I think it will just damage my confidence even more If i meet up with her. She always said she was happy with me but not in england but i think if you're happy and i a good relationship then the place isn't the problem it's where your head is at. Maybe early on in the break up not anymore, Only when he asked to pay less child support and i am struggling i might wonder then i find out he goes on holiday...i get a little upset with that.As far as his relationship goes......no i have been single for a long time and not actively looking i dont resent that he is with someone and i am not......at one point even thought i would try and get us back together.....that was only because i didnt want to fall in love again and i wouldn't with him but i guess god has other plans for me....i don't feel any animosity towards him except when he lies about the reasons why he wants to pay less child support.....and that is his mistake and not my fault i feel that way.Cause and effect......deb Link to post Share on other sites
Appleness Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 *sigh* Tara is so right. We do see your posts and remember what you say. Then we see questions like this... Yes, we DO compare how we are doing with how our ex is doing. For me, I'll do it as soon as I've: read the 27 chapters that I need to pass my Anatomy & Physiology class; reread War & Peace; learned how to speak Japanese, German, French, Spanish, Italian, and Navajo fluently; swam the Bering Strait; knit a scarf long enough to wrap around the world; done Warrior Dash 30 times; sat for the MCAT again; learned how to breed French bulldogs; become a professional dancer; gone to see polar bears near the North Pole; gone to see penguins near the South Pole; met Hillary Clinton; swam down to see the Titanic; been on the set of a real movie; been to the moon; seen an erupting volcano in person; shook the hand of the Queen; played the didgeridoo with the aborigines of Australia; find proof of extraterrestrials; climbed the Egyptian and Mayan pyramids; had a rose named after me; served a year in the Peace Corp; saved a life; convince the U.N. on adopting my theory on World Peace; kissed Edward Norton; bathed in a hot spring; thrown a penny off the Empire State Building; and figured out how to make perfect vegetable samosas. Once I cross all those things off, I start wondering if he's doing better than me. I'm pretty sure by then the answer will be NO... Link to post Share on other sites
shayla Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 If you judge your insides by looking at her outsides, you will never feel good. There is no way of really knowing how she is doing compared to you. And Facebook? Humph, everybody is fabulously happy and wonderful there!!!! LOL My ex married another woman 2 months after dumping me,and you'd think they were deliriously happy, right? But he did not become a different person. He is still the man that lied and cheated on me for 3 years. So I know that life is not perfect for him, and even less so for the other woman. It has been almost 2 years since all that happened, and it still crosses my mind, and it still pisses me off, but I am at the point of saying when I do think of him, "Yes, he treated me badly, and he really messed up....God bless him. because I was in that relationship, he introduced me to the finest man I've ever met in my life." Next for me is thinking of him with no feeling at all. Link to post Share on other sites
D'1ThatGotAway Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I used to compare before. And it hurt to see them all moved on while I was still stuck up in pain. But you will come to the point where you just don't give a damn, you know? Link to post Share on other sites
Decorum Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 We spend so much time on things that matter so little! Hope you are doing well kd. When all is said and done a lot more is said than done! Link to post Share on other sites
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