Ok ok, how about this?

[Mike_d]

no one is blaming you for your mistakes. but if you come here asking for advice, the advice you say you seek, and then you don't take it .... figured if I acted like an ass.ole then maybe the good advice you seek that you are getting from others might be taken in a better light by you going forward. you have received some outstanding advice from members here. what you are doing isn't serving you. I assume you recognize that. perhaps consider letting go and trying something different going forward? this isn't about fault, blame, etc - this is about moving forward. you are not going to be able to 'think' your way out of an irrational situation

[Squidoo]

In the past two weeks I have moved on incredibly, I don't wake up and it be the first thing on my mind, I've put the weight back on that I lost, I've joined a running club, got out of town the past 2 weekends and enjoyed time away with my friends and to avoid bumping into him. And each day I feel a little better than the day before. I'm starting realise that it's not my fault he's acted how he has, that this has probably always been the real him. Yes I still try to rationalise it everyday, and I'm sure I will for a while yet to come but I feel that there is progress and moving forward in my head.

[geegirl]

i'm using other peoples insight from the outside to help me get through a time of self loathing, weight loss, and not wanting to get up in the morning but I have too for the sake of my child.

 

If anything Squid, what would you do one day if your child came to you and said a man or woman was treating him/her this way? Step out of yourself and your loathing and start to use your mind to think rationally rather than emotionally. You'd want to protect your child from such damaging treatment. Would you want this for your child? You would shudder to think of it. Again, step out of yourself and your self-loathing and think. Everytime you want to reach out, self-talk and ask yourself why? Ask yourself if you would want your child to do this to themselves. If your answer is no, then it should apply to to yourself because you KNOW it is the right thing to do.

 

This is NOT about getting my ex back,

 

This is about getting your ex back because your thread noting his despicable actions towards you, mentioned that you want to be his FWB. Being his FWB is a way for the dumpee to have a foot in the door because they cannot let go. You even went back and offered it to him on a silver platter because you wanted to be "friends". If the man came to you today and said, "Squid, let's get together." I guarantee you'll cave. You even pushed for coffee and wanted a phone call yesterday, even after everyone came on here and pointed out why you shouldn't be giving him the time of day. You agreed but moments later you were trying to sneak a tactic to contact him.

 

it's about trying to work out what the hell happened to the man that I use to know and why he's turned into what he has

 

The man he is today is who he is. People don't show you who they are when they want to be in your good graces. When there is no need to keep up that facade, they show you who they are. Forget that 3 years you spent with him. The way he treated you is his core. I keep telling you this but you won't believe it. And why is it your problem to analyze how he got here? He's happy with being who he is! He wants to jack off in public! This is who he is. He is being himself. Stop trying to figure him out. Time to start figuring YOU out and why you do the things YOU do.

 

.... Is it my fault because I dumped him?

 

You don't have that power over him, so don't put that sort of weight on your shoulders. You don't make a man piss in your mouth. He does it because he wants to. Stop with this loathing.

 

Has he always been like it but hid it well for 3 years?

 

Yes, people hide a lot of things. When he is in a relationship, he does the relationship thing. When he is not, he does what he really wants to do. No girlfriend is going to say, "Yes, boyfriend, you can pee in my mouth without my consent when I give you a bj." He won't be able to hold on to her. So he keeps that side of him away from the relationship. When there is nothing to lose anymore, he becomes who he is.

 

Is it because he hates me, although protests to always being there for me?

 

He has no respect for you. Period.His words do not match his actions.

 

This has lead me to try and work out what the hell is going on, and it is THIS that I'm wanting to hear people's advice on

 

You work yourself out. He is not your problem. YOU are your problem. Before you try to figure someone out, look inward and work on yourself. He is perfectly happy being the way he is. You aren't happy with yourself. Focus on you.

[Squidoo]

Ok I agree with everything you say geegirl apart from one thing....and that is I'm not trying to get my ex back for a relationship. We will just have to agree to differ on that one, maybe it's about control or maybe trying to get the upper hand who knows!

[geegirl]

Ok I agree with everything you say geegirl apart from one thing....and that is I'm not trying to get my ex back for a relationship. We will just have to agree to differ on that one, maybe it's about control or maybe trying to get the upper hand who knows!

 

Whatever the case maybe, as long as you identify that no matter what the motive, the all around big picture is that this is a destructive situation for you to engage in and one that will slowly erode at your self-esteem and cause you irreperable damage.

 

You have a child and you want to be an emotionally and mentally healthy role model and parent. Engaging in this takes the focus away from you achieving that.

[Squidoo]

Well yes my self esteem has been eroding. However when it comes to my child she has never seen me depressed, cry or any other indication that anything is wrong that is something I simply won't allow ( in fact none of my friends even those closest know how I've been feeling). Her father has been my only other partner, and we get on great. Put myself in the shoes of being a bystander to my daughter being treated this way when she is older, then of course I would be horrified!

[geegirl]

Well yes my self esteem has been eroding. However when it comes to my child she has never seen me depressed, cry or any other indication that anything is wrong that is something I simply won't allow ( in fact none of my friends even those closest know how I've been feeling). Her father has been my only other partner, and we get on great. Put myself in the shoes of being a bystander to my daughter being treated this way when she is older, then of course I would be horrified!

 

You would be horrified because you love your child and want the best for them, and in that same regard, you should love yourself and want the best for you.

[Squidoo]

Thanks for your responses geegirl

[sweetheart5381]

Sweetheart is right. See, if I wasn't married and sweetheart and I were an item, I know we would discuss our fantasies.

 

if I asked her if during our intimate moments if I could urinate on her she would definately say, "HELL NO! WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU! ARE YOU REALLY THAT SICK IN THE HEAD!! YOU ARE SOOOOO DISGUSTING!!!!!"

 

Then, I would apologize and say that I was a bad boy and probably need a spanking. She would probably pull out the riding crop, hand restraints and ball gag and say that she's going to whip the cultural sterotype out of me (okay, scaring myself a little here.....going to hide under the bed in the fetal position, sucking my thumb) BUT THE POINT IS!!!! I would be getting laid....and..a..lot more than what I bargained for....all because we discussed it first..........................and established a safety word......

 

 

Hee....hee.... I meant no disrespect. I'm in a silly mood and and re-reading sweethearts post reminded me that she definately a strong and independant person and I wonder what she would do in that sort of discussion and it just got silly. Sorry, just wanted to bring some levity.

 

Again, no disrespect intended.

 

Hahaha, very nice Chi and you are correct, I would whip you ass with my cat o' nine tails so hard you'd be beggin for mercy.... or perhaps another

 

But seriously, it is difficult to read how Squid has been struggling and I was once very much like her, until I worked on my own self-esteem issues. I once let a man have so much power over me that he attempted my life and he felt no shame or remorse for it. He was a sicko too. I learned from his actions that I needed to take action and ownership of my own thoughts and self-concept. I am not suggesting that what he did was in any way acceptable, but I took responsibility for my part in allowing him to mistreat and abuse me.

 

My only advice in Squid's case is to walk away, get well and never look back.

 

You will thank yourself later Squid, I promise.

[Squidoo]

I know I'm not alone in this, and I'm glad things have improved for you sweetheart. I have no doubt that things will get better for me, it's crazy that in most other aspects of my life I'm of quite strong character. Unfortunately I cannot help how I feel right now, yes 2 days later my urge is still as strong to go and see him face to face, but will I do it? No! Sometimes it's easy to scoff, ridicule and possibly laugh at other peoples situations but at the end of the day I'm the one who is stuck in it and I'm the only one who can get myself back out of it.