Tabatha1000 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Ok, so me and my husband were at a place recently when a younger woman commented on how nice his shirt was. He thanked her and we carried on with our business. A little while later we were sat in reception and this same girl came along, hovered around when she saw us sat there holding hands. She then asked my husband if he minded if she sat in the only spare seat next to him. He said that was fine. I could see her out the corner of my eye looking over like she wanted to talk. She then started engaging him in conversation about the band his shirt was of, and then asking him questions about why he was there etc. He did introduce me as his wife but since we saw her in the canteen a few minutes earlier, to me it seemed as if she followed us out there to the reception. He was chatty to her about music and it was me that said we should get up and go etc, so we left. At this point he said how nice it was to meet her and shook her hand and we left. I was mad at him because it seemed like she was flirting and he was allowing her to disprespect me by engaging her in conversation. He said that since she didn't blatantly say anything he assumed she wasn't flirting even though I can't think of any other reason she would follow us out to reception, hover around, ask to sit next to my hubby and start chatting to him about his band shirt. He says that if she had said anything disrespectful that he would have made it clear he wasn't interested, and as I said he did introduce me as his wife although she didn't even try to talk to me. Do I have the right to be mad at him for allowing her to disrespect me or am I blowing it all out of proportion? Link to post Share on other sites
wheream_i Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Hey, at least your husband's still got it, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tabatha1000 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Hey, at least your husband's still got it, right? Oh, I know he's still got it.. what pissed me off is the fact that she did it right in front of me. It's possible she wasn't flirting, but why else would she approach him in such a way? It's also possible that she didn't follow us, but it was only a few minutes later and she didn't go to the reception desk. The only thing there were the seats we were sat in and the door outside. She asked to sit down and kept looking over for a few seconds before talking to my husband about music etc. So it seems she didn't go to reception because she had any business going to reception, it was the way she hovered around and then sat down with us. He says that she wasn't flirting but I disagree. Now he's mad at me because I told him I felt it was disrespectful to me for her to do that and for him to allow her to do that. What I feel he should have done is make it brief then get up and leave. Edited September 11, 2012 by Tabatha1000 Link to post Share on other sites
Madman81 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 He should probably have broken away from the interaction a bit earlier, fair enough. But I think you're focusing your anger on the wrong person. Nothing you described suggested inappropriate behaviour on your husband's part. Perhaps he felt it would be socially impolite to simply walk away. Either way, however... SHE disrespected you. From what I can tell, he didn't. IMHO, if he hasn't demonstrated other behaviour that suggests he disrespects you, you should apologize for reacting as strongly as you did, and let it go. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
serialgf Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 from my own jealousy issues, i've found it's always best to choose your battles in situations like this. meaning, there doesn't seem to be much of a consequence even if she was flirting with him to him being nice to her. it doesn't sound from your post like he was flirting back and you were sitting right there. i think you should not have gotten mad at him and should let this one go, maybe even apologize to him for getting so mad about it and try to make up. if you're mean to your husband about every little thing, he might start hiding things from you or resent you.... what is your husbands usual flirting behavior? is there some other reason you're mad at him? Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 First you complain about smiles, now you're complaining about the fact that your H. plainly is so obtuse he can't read a flirt right under his nose? The reason he couldn't 'read' it - is because he was neither receptive nor interested. Is she young enough to be his daughter? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tabatha1000 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 from my own jealousy issues, i've found it's always best to choose your battles in situations like this. meaning, there doesn't seem to be much of a consequence even if she was flirting with him to him being nice to her. it doesn't sound from your post like he was flirting back and you were sitting right there. i think you should not have gotten mad at him and should let this one go, maybe even apologize to him for getting so mad about it and try to make up. if you're mean to your husband about every little thing, he might start hiding things from you or resent you.... what is your husbands usual flirting behavior? is there some other reason you're mad at him? He gets hit on a lot by women and it does piss me off. He always says that unless they say something disrespectful then he isn't going to assume they're up to no good. He seems unable to see the obvious flirting signs that I can see and then gets annoyed with me when I get annoyed with him about his reactions to it. If a girl appears in a place a few minutes later after complimenting him on his shirt, and then sits and chats to him, to me that means flirt. It doesn't mean she's just being friendly and it doesn't mean that she had to go to reception. It means that she blatantly meant to be where we were and to get to know my husband right in front of me. He disrespected me by allowing her to, in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tabatha1000 Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 First you complain about smiles, now you're complaining about the fact that your H. plainly is so obtuse he can't read a flirt right under his nose? The reason he couldn't 'read' it - is because he was neither receptive nor interested. Is she young enough to be his daughter? That is unfair. I came on here asking for advice to several problems lately. This is a guy who is constantly getting hit on, smiled at, flirted with and propositioned. He then gets mad at me for reacting to it. She was younger yes, but that has nothing to do with the situation at all. A flirt is a flirt. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Did you feel left out? Ignored? Not acknowledged? That your status as his wife was challenged? Did it bother you that it was a woman? Would you have felt the same if it was a guy? I agree that she was rude. He introduced you as his wife. Even if you weren't, it was clear that he was with you. The polite thing to do would have been to engage you in conversation as well and not "hog" your husband's attention. Unfortunately, we can't influence her behaviour and her reasons for her behaviour are unknown. Did your husband try to bring you into the conversation as often as he could or did he just chat to her and ignore you? If not, that was him being rude and that's what you can talk to him about. Perhaps he can find ways to excuse himself from the conversation when the other person hogs his attention and you are ignored. Did you try to interject during their conversation? Or did you just sit and seethe, hoping that someone would remember that you were there as well. Or did you take your phone out and start focusing on something else? Or grab a magazine to read? Perhaps you can take more responsibility for being more assertive if something like this happens again in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 LOL! okay...here's the rub. A lot of guys don't even realize that they're being hit on. Because, to be frank, it's usually the guys that are doing the flirting. Chances are he didn't even realize it. He probably thinks that she just likes to talk about music. One time, a waitress was flirting with me and I didn't even realize it until my wife pointed it out! I was walking a little taller and told the wife, " SEE!! I still got it!" Of course, the wife was, "No, she was looking for a bigger tip." Gee, thanks Hon.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
nofool4u Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 Unless blatantly obvious, people don't want to be rude to someone else if they can't tell if they are flirting or not. I wouldn't have to, my gf would immediately be saying, "step off b!tch!" 1 Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 That is unfair. I came on here asking for advice to several problems lately. This is a guy who is constantly getting hit on, smiled at, flirted with and propositioned. He then gets mad at me for reacting to it. She was younger yes, but that has nothing to do with the situation at all. A flirt is a flirt. I wasn't trying to be unfair, but I'm genuinely wondering why you would post two threads on things concerning your husband's behaviour in public - and how it makes you feel.... perhaps the reason he gets mad at you is because he might feel you're being unreasonably insecure and picky.... And the reason I asked about the girl's age, is that maybe she was socially unaware and inept; he would not for one moment think someone so young was coming on to him; and she, maybe, really did like his t-shirt and just wanted to know more, but the thought of her treading on your toes didn't cross her mind - because it was the farthest thought from her head. You perceived it as flirting, but I'm sorry - the one who sounds as if they have a real problem about things - is you. And that's a shame.... Don't you see that maybe you're being a little bit hard on yourself, by seeing the worst-case possibility? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Enema Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 It seems like you overreacted and are too sensitive about people flirting with your husband. His reactions are perfectly respectful and if you continue down this road you will irritate him and push him away with your insecurity. Link to post Share on other sites
all_hail_me Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Ok, so me and my husband were at a place recently when a younger woman commented on how nice his shirt was. He thanked her and we carried on with our business. A little while later we were sat in reception and this same girl came along, hovered around when she saw us sat there holding hands. She then asked my husband if he minded if she sat in the only spare seat next to him. He said that was fine. I could see her out the corner of my eye looking over like she wanted to talk. She then started engaging him in conversation about the band his shirt was of, and then asking him questions about why he was there etc. He did introduce me as his wife but since we saw her in the canteen a few minutes earlier, to me it seemed as if she followed us out there to the reception. He was chatty to her about music and it was me that said we should get up and go etc, so we left. At this point he said how nice it was to meet her and shook her hand and we left. I was mad at him because it seemed like she was flirting and he was allowing her to disprespect me by engaging her in conversation. He said that since she didn't blatantly say anything he assumed she wasn't flirting even though I can't think of any other reason she would follow us out to reception, hover around, ask to sit next to my hubby and start chatting to him about his band shirt. He says that if she had said anything disrespectful that he would have made it clear he wasn't interested, and as I said he did introduce me as his wife although she didn't even try to talk to me. Do I have the right to be mad at him for allowing her to disrespect me or am I blowing it all out of proportion? I would have leaned over to her and said "go away". Both my bf and I get hit on randomly and it's been a bit hurtful for both of us to see it happen. Once he was right next to me in a bar and this guy would just not shut up talking to me. I was being friendly, but I moved over so he could clearly see my bf, who I brought into the conversation, then I stopped it short when he wouldn't stop and we went to our table. Bf was annoyed about it, but it happens to him all the time (more so than me) so I guess it was funny to finally have him see guys think I'm attractive too! I think you need to talk to your husband rationally about these issues (including your previous thread). Be assertive and let him know that it hurts you when he engages in that kind of behaviour, ask him to make a concerted effort for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dusk1983 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 It seems like you overreacted and are too sensitive about people flirting with your husband. His reactions are perfectly respectful and if you continue down this road you will irritate him and push him away with your insecurity. What she said. Link to post Share on other sites
venusianx13 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 I like to believe that people just like to interact with one another in a genuine manner sometimes, and that there are no alterior motives. I've learned to be okay with this, as men and women both exist in the world together, and my boyfriend is going to inevitably encounter them whether he is alone or with me. It's going to happen. You cannot keep your husband in a bubble. I have men say things to me often. If I interpret it as flirting (which it sometimes obviously is), I respectfully escape. If it's friendly chat, I have no reason to decline this exchange because there's nothing disrespectful about it, even if I'm WITH my boyfriend. And vice-versa. I think I have an easy time making a clear distinction because my ex crossed these kinds of boundaries ALL THE TIME. Not only would he engage women, but he'd get their info, too. I'd see random women popping up as new facebook friends and ask, "Who is that? Where did you meet her?" Or, I'd see a new text from some girl come in on his phone. Even though he'd maintain that all of these friendships were platonic, 75% of the time, it was not true. (as I later found out- after 5 years!) That was on him. Honestly, I see no red flags with your husband. Think about how it would look if he told any woman who spoke to him to "F*ck off," essentially? He'd really look like an as*hole, wouldn't he? Link to post Share on other sites
in_absentia Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 What is the band? No, seriously? I'm into some fairly obscure bands, if I saw a guy or a girl out and about wearing one of their t-shirts, especially in a place I wouldn't expect it (i.e., not queuing for a gig) I might go up and talk to them about it, even if they weren't alone. Lots of people are pretty obsessive about bands they're into, and I would think it cool to have just a quick chat about 'oh, you're a Dream Theater fan? That's awesome! Have you ever seen them live?' and so forth, for a couple of minutes. Then I'd go on my merry way. I would think their partner sat next to them staring daggers was acting very strange indeed, though admittedly I would make an effort to try include them to show I was no threat. It sounds to me like you overreacted. Link to post Share on other sites
Stillgrowing Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 It seems like you overreacted and are too sensitive about people flirting with your husband. His reactions are perfectly respectful and if you continue down this road you will irritate him and push him away with your insecurity. I agree with this. additionally, you risk pushing away friends as well. There was a woman in my social circle who kept saying things like this and we stopped inviting her and her husband out. It was just so stressful. The night would always end with (or someone would get a call the next day) with her saying, "did you see the way so and so looked at my husband? did you hear her ask how business was? Clearly she wants him." She'd suck newbies in with this nonsense, until people figured out that it was just her being insecure. We were forced into choosing if we wanted to be perceived as the town whore if we spoke to him or made eye contact or what we mostly chose to do was ignore him and just be rude. And the truth was no one was flirting with him. His attractiveness to other women was in her mind. It was a pity, he got dumped along with her and he was a really nice guy. sg Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Guess I'm in the minority here but I think he was being rude. If some guy started talking to me and ignoring my guy, who was sitting right there, I'd chat for like a few seconds to be polite and then turn my attention back to my fella. And OP, if your husband knows it bothers you but still does it...that kinda sucks. But while he WAS wrong IMHO, it's not a huge deal. Instead of getting mad, maybe explain calmly...? Link to post Share on other sites
KungFuJoe Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 How dare he!?! If I was out with my wife, gf, date, etc. and some random girl tried to engage in frivolous conversation.... No, scratch that...so much as even looked in my general direction for more than what is deemed necessary (3.2 seconds if you want to be specific) I would stand up, calmly walk over to wherever she might be situated, even if it was completely across the room, and politely ask her to keep her obvious ill intentions to herself. If she so much as even tried to deny that she wasn't aware of what she was doing, she would find whatever I happened to be imbibing all over her outfit soon after. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kiss_andmakeup Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 What is the band? No, seriously? I'm into some fairly obscure bands, if I saw a guy or a girl out and about wearing one of their t-shirts, especially in a place I wouldn't expect it (i.e., not queuing for a gig) I might go up and talk to them about it, even if they weren't alone. Same. I'm curious about this too. Regardless, you're overreacting. You obviously have an attractive and/or charismatic husband, and you're obviously very insecure. Maybe you have some real problems within yourself to reconcile instead of taking your anger at other women out on your husband. Might want to get a handle on this insecurity, because I can assure you it becomes extremely unattractive. Link to post Share on other sites
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