Thinking of calling ex-gf and express my regrets over breakup...

[Sailynn]

Over four months ago, I became real busy both in my job and in teaching and taking after hours classes. The classes were to only last a month. Anyway, I spent a lot of time away from my girlfriend. I saw her on the weekends. I called her periodically, yet sometimes I was tired and didn't call.

 

Long story short, she felt neglected and let me have it. Telling me I was self-centered, and uncaring. I asked to understand that the classes were over and that I was taking them to better myself and that now, we have all the time in the world to spend together. She told me her feelings had changed. She told me that further contact with me would turn her into a beetch and that she couldn't be my friend. She showed no indications of trying to work it out. I knew immediately what I had done and I knew my goose was cooked. I love her and I've had a terrible personal battle in my heart. Everything in me wants to get her back yet her words of a hardened heart keep echoing in my ears.

 

Except for one e-mail, I've had no contact with her. Now, the months have passed and I have worked on myself, joined a Sunday School, read tons of books and I truly feel responsible and regretful. It is laying heavy on my heart to contact her and tell her of my regret and to asked if she is ok and happy. This probably isn't good, but I'm having a hard time letting this go.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions?

[EC]

It sound like you need what we some call "closure"

 

You feel regret and you want to know if she's ok and happy and I guess part of you wants to know if she had forgiven you for how you made her feel.

 

I say talk to her. It's been months things have calmed down and settled and you've both had a long time to think about things.

 

I say call her and tell her how you feel and see how it goes from there.

 

But don't expect everything to go peaches and cream. Like you said she had a hardened heart and like a one song said

"Once a woman's fed up, there ain't nothing you can do about it."

 

She won't come running back into your arms or anything so be realistic.

 

But You can never move on unless you let everything you want to say off of your chest. Unload your troubles and see what she has to say. Good luck!

[thecake]

when you truly love someone you make time for her/him no matter how "busy" you are or you'll end up with the results you're describing.

 

I went through a similar situation with my ex...if he called me now to see if I were ok and happy it wouldn't mean anything to me.

[jw32802]

Sailynn

 

What made you change your mind and realize that you now have time for her? how do you know you will not do the same thing again?

[Sailynn]

This breakup has been very confusing. One minute I feel glad to be out of a situation where she did not communicate very well. You know, she had expectations, but never communicated them to me and I was constantly in a guessing game as to what she wanted. Even when she had an issue with me, it only surfaced about every six to eight months and then a whole dump truck load came out. That was the only time I was informed of her needs; when she was mad and disgusted with me.

 

Frankly, I know I can't develop a true love with anyone that can't communicate their needs. She has told me she has major trust issues due to a childhood sexual molestation by a sibling. She had informed me that all of her previous boyfriends met this same fate. That's why she's in her forties and never been married.

 

When she declared she did not love me anymore, I knew I was a goner and I immediately knew I had pushed the envelope, and she felt neglected. I somehow felt that at that moment, that there was nothing I could say or do to amend the situation, so I decided to accept her breakup, walk away and take my lumps. She gave some big lumps when she declared she didn't want to be friends or have any contact with me. The thing is, those lumps are hurting. We're both very sad.

 

We were in a civic club together and would run into each other and it was very uncomfortable. Well, I resigned from the club to give her space. I know this is flight instead of fight, but I was missing her so much, I had to find a way to let go.

 

The thing that is so hard is that I've completed all the classes and I have all the time in the world to devote to her. It was just for one month that I was focusing on one of my interests outside the relationship. I tried to get all the classes in as quickly as possible instead of spreading them out over time and it has cost me dearly. A bad decision I guess.

 

I'm not a bad guy, I just screwed up and witness a great relationship crumble down around me and I was powerless. I haven't contacted her for fear of hurting her further. I'm trying to find a way to let it go completely.

[faux]

I notice that this woman has communication problems, and quite a few other problems. I'd say let her stay in your past, where she belongs. It should not be up to you to guess what someone else wants. I believe she ought to have told you what she expected, as communication is one of the essential foundations for a relationship. It sounds as though she fancied taking her anger out on you, when you may not have even done anything wrong at all.

 

You had to work, and you took those classes to better yourself. You were doing things in an attempt to improve yourself. If this woman could not understand that, she does not seem so worthy of your time to me. I can relate to her situation, in that she probably wanted more attention from you at the time. However, I do not believe she went about handling the situation correctly.

 

I feel that she could have communicated her position to you, and attempted to work things out. I believe she should have respected your personal goals, and should have been happy that you have such a drive for personal improvement. I don't think you failed miserably at all. Do not blame yourself. While it may not have helped that you devoted all of your time to your personal goals, this is not what was wrong in the relationship.

[sock83]

just go with your gut feeling,

at the end of the day you cant live your life saying "what if?"

if it feels right do it, if it backfires at least you gave it a go and be proud of that fact.

[wp234]

I agree with faux, but also with sock83..

 

Four months is long enough for both of you to have a little more clarity on the situation now. I bet you've thought about the pros and cons of this relationship a lot.. If you're sensible enough to plan for your future by taking demanding classes, by being proactive in your professional life, then trust your instincts and be proactive about your romantic life, too.

 

You know that you still miss her, after all this time, and if that means for you that you want her back, then do it.

 

Faux was right to say that she sounds like she has communication problems, and being impatient with you even though you were pursuing your personal goals is simply not right. You should really keep that in mind if you get back together with her. Talk to her about that because if a similar situation comes up in the future, you will both need to know the other won't bail out just because you're focusing a little more energy on yourself for the time being. For now, however, that's in the past so move on and make a plan to win her back. The thing is, nobody is perfect. You made mistakes, she made mistakes.. It has been difficult for both of you. Rise above it.

 

First thing you have to do is get your self-confidence and courage up. Then you must contact her. It's scary, but it's a first step, and you never know, it might be easier than you think once the two of you start talking. What do you have to lose?

 

Become friends with her again. Just friends, nothing more for now. You must fix your communication breakdown, which appears to be at the root of the break-up anyway. So start there..

 

Don't give up just because you're afraid or your ego is bruised. If you really love her, that is all that matters.

 

So many people give up on relationships too early. Check your fears and ego at the door and go after her if it's what you want.

 

Just like you wanted to improve your career, you took those classes - you picked a course, you saved the money to go, and you worked hard to complete it. So if you want to improve your love life, and you've decided it would be improved by getting your ex back, then plan a course and do it. Go after her.

 

Keep us posted.

[beautiful]

I just wanted to say that people do not need closure from an ex. You can give yourself closure. Everything else is manipulation to get thisperson back.

 

It is completely up to you in what you want to do with this one. The truth is that true love is not such drama and games.

 

Live your life, be happy and take care of yourself. When the right one comes along , you both will know.

[daphne]

It's not fully your responsibility to make another person happy. Yes, you neglected her. But every couple has periods of time when they have to do things for themselves and hope the other person is understanding enough to wait it out until you get back to the good stuff. That's commitment.

 

Also, I used to be one of those women who expected a guy to read my mind and know what I needed. This is something she's going to have to learn. Communication is a huge deal, who knew??? Now I understand that I have to let people know my boundaries and my needs in every relationship. I was a coward because I didn't want conflict and wanted to be "nice". But then I'd become resentful when my needs went unmet. It's a growth thing and that's not your fault.

 

I think in your situation it might be worth seeing how she's doing. It doesn't sound like it was a bad breakup and maybe she's grown some too in the interim.

[snilljente]

I don't think a communication problem can ever be one person's problem....it takes two to communicate...not sure it is fair to blame that completely on her....I don't agree that it's ok to blow people off when there's alot going on in your life if they are important to you..it only takes a minute or two to pick up the phone and say, I'm super busy, but just wanted you to know that I care/was thinking about you!