My biggest Critic...

[AnotherRound]

I have only one sibling, a younger sister, who is happily married and has a beautiful baby daughter. My sister and I have always been very close, even though we live in different states. Especially after our Mother died in 1996, which brought us even closer together.

 

She always wants the best for me, in all aspects of my life, as a good sister should. She has been aware of my relationship with exMM from the get go, as she was the first person I called when I found out he was married all those years ago. She has expressed her opinions and feelings re the situation to me over the years, and in the end, was happy to see me just be happy, even though it meant that I was not with exMM.

 

Anyway, spoke with her today about the current situation for the first time (she is pretty busy with my niece nowadays! lol), and was pleasantly surprised at her response. I expected some judgment, some advice to not even try with him bc of the A (which she was always against, and vocal about, but stood by me regardless), even some anger maybe since I know she just wants me to be happy.

 

Her response? That she was glad I was thinking about it and not just jumping in. That she thought I was making intelligent decisions re how it is going to be handled IF it happens. That she was so proud of me for ending the A last year, and happy that I had found some peace in my life, and that as long as he adds to my happiness and doesn't detract from it, then she is a okay with it. She did state, honestly, that she doesn't have a lot of respect for him right now, but said that she doesn't know him either. And she understands the attraction thing, and that she knows that I'm not easily attracted to men, never have been. And that she is willing to give him a very fair chance to be in my life appropriately as my SO, and that she will hold nothing against him UNLESS he acts dishonorably with me.

 

I was a little surprised, but glad that she was so understanding. Of course, we talk a lot, so she knows my feelings for him, and knows mine and exMM's history. I was concerned that if exMM and I are together, that my family and friends might have an issue as most of them know that he and I were APs for all those years. And knowing that my sister is okay with it, and my best friend an I have talked and she is in the same thinking as my sister... well, relief.

 

I know that I have no right to agree to be with exMM and then hold his past against him. I am actively making the choice to enter into a relationship with him IF the divorce is final. And I'm going in with all the knowledge of his past behaviors. So, I feel REALLY good with where I am now, knowing that I have the support of the 2 most important people in my life, AND that I know I am in a strong emotional place and can handle anything.

 

Just wanted to share with those that are interested. It's nice to think that if anything is going to happen between exMM and I that it will be met with open minds and hearts from those I love.

[TigerCub]

Hey AnotherRound,

 

I have to admit that I'm not familiar with your story, but from what you wrote above, things seem really positive.

 

Its nice that although your sister was vocal about her disapproval before, she was still crystal clear about the fact that she's in your corner.

 

My sisters were like that too - they didn't like the situation one bit, they hated that I was in it, that I was constantly heartbroken, etc.. But they made sure I knew that they are there for me and will be my side always.

 

That means so much, and I can tell that you know that too.

 

If you're trying to be with your xMM after the divorce is final, then good for you for at least trying to do it right this time. Its good that you are going into this with eyes wide open and want to do it legit all the way.

 

Good luck!

[AnotherRound]

Thanks guys. It is important to me that I have the support of the people that I love the most. They know me, inside and out, and know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt someone else, so their "approval" of this situation is a bonus.

 

My sister and I have been through a lot together, and have no other immediate family besides each other. I can't think of anyone who knows me as well as she does, and to hear her validate that I am NOT a "bad" person (even though I know that), is so precious to me. That others who know me, know that I am making good decisions and approaching this in a way that is healthy for me.

 

As for exMM, I'm not sure where he is at exactly. I have a pretty good idea of where his head and his heart are, but I'm not inserting myself into their divorce, so I won't know anything until he reaches out to me. And I'm okay with that bc I want him to handle this his way, without me there making it more complicated for them. If they decide to reconcile, I will just carry on the way I have been for the past year.

 

I did go through my journal last night. I journal religiously, daily, sometimes more than once a day. And, it's funny how our perspectives can be so influenced by our feelings at the time. I noticed that exMM was trying to contact me and work things out the entire time that I he and I were not together and he was with the new OW. I didn't remember it like that, and had some hurt in the past that he was "choosing" someone else. Truth is, he was trying to work it out with me all the while, and I was refusing to answer his calls or return them. I actually didn't remember that at all, but it's there in black and white in that I noted when he attempted to call me, or attempted to work things out with me. And now, with emotional distance, I am able to see it a bit more objectively and see that it really was me that walked away. I'm glad I did, in that the A wasn't okay with me, even though it meant that he became involved with someone else. But it's also reassuring to look back and see all the effort that he was putting into trying to work things out with me through it all.

 

Thing is, I didn't walk away bc I didn't love him, or didn't want to be with him. It was simply that I was uncomfortable in the A, and always had been. And it had just gotten to the point where it was time to end the A for me. And it was hard, to walk away. It always is when it's a situation issue and not an issue with the person you are walking away from. But now, I'm confident, that if he and I attempt to have a relationship, free of any of the complications it had before, that we can at least give it an honest try now. If it doesn't work out, that's okay, at least we will know.

 

I'm sticking to the plan, and it appears he is too. Both of us knowing that we have to approach this carefully to give it a chance. I'm glad he is in a better place, and the two times that I have spoken with him, he just seems so much more at peace and so much less angry. I think a weight has been lifted from his shoulders and he is breathing easier, even though it is scary for him to change so much so drastically in his life. I am hopeful, with or without me, that he will at last find happiness and peace and be able to live a content life. And that makes me very happy, to see him have what I've always thought he deserved... peace and happiness.

[SoleMate]

AR, I'm concerned. The A is over, 1.5 years now?, and I'm pretty sure you've said elsewhere that you've moved on and are dating SG?

 

Yet we see a daily thread from you all about exMM and how you feel about him and what your future will be. It makes it clear to me that you are not over him and not even trying to be over him. That is unfortunate, because I believe no one should be focussed over a long period on a love object who is not available to them and is even actively a bad idea for them.

 

I'd like to see a thread from you about the SGs you're interested in.

[AnotherRound]

AR, I'm concerned. The A is over, 1.5 years now?, and I'm pretty sure you've said elsewhere that you've moved on and are dating SG?

 

Yet we see a daily thread from you all about exMM and how you feel about him and what your future will be. It makes it clear to me that you are not over him and not even trying to be over him. That is unfortunate, because I believe no one should be focussed over a long period on a love object who is not available to them and is even actively a bad idea for them.

 

I'd like to see a thread from you about the SGs you're interested in.

 

I appreciate that. I was never "over" him... I was over the A. I ended the A not because I didn't love him any longer, but I simply didn't want to be in an A anymore, with anyone. I've been talking on here daily about it simply bc in the past week, there have been a lot of developments, so to speak.

 

SG that I'm seeing is a great guy. I just didn't think that this was really the place for that? But, he's a bit younger than me, very handsome, and we laugh a lot together. He's not my normal "type" in that he is a farm boy, but he's a good guy. We have known each other for several years, and have always had an attraction to one another, but one of has always seemed to be in a relationship with someone else when the other was single! lol We recently ended up single at the same time (and I was in a good enough place emotionally, that I decided to give it a go).

 

We actually met several years ago while volunteering together for a local project. We have always had a good connection. At this point, the only obstacle in our ability to have a full on relationship is the fact that we have different religious beliefs. He is very christian, and I am an atheist. That bothers him a lot more than it does me (even though I have my opinions on it, honestly). He is also much more socially conservative than I am. These things aren't a big deal for many people, but he and I are both pretty passionate about our beliefs. So, as far as LT goes, I'm not sure how that would work.

 

He wants children for sure, and I'm not quite sure if I do or not. And we would obviously have disagreement as to how those children would be raised. He and I have talked about this openly, and we aren't sure how to fix that issue really, so we are just taking it as it comes. We have a great relationship, friends first and that's a good thing. My only complaint is that he isn't much of a daily texter/talker. I do like to have contact frequently, and he isn't so much like that. It hasn't caused any big issues, but it is an issue.

 

So, we are going out tomorrow night. We've been on a lot of dates, and we "just hang out" together at parties and such often. And like I said, he is quite a bit younger, so he isn't exactly ready to settle down any time soon. Whereas I'm ready to settle down and be LT. So, I'm not sure how much potential it has to develop in to a FT/LT relationship, but I'm enjoying spending time with him for now. Did I mention that he is incredibly handsome?