Is it truly over?

[simplemonkey]

I have been dating a lady for the last four years. She is now 28 and I'm 33. She has a 10yo daughter. During the span of our relationship, we opened two businesses together, the last being a restaurant where we worked side by side for the last year. Needless to say, big mistake. There were good times, but also very stressful times, and we spent very little quality time together. Through the four years, I always felt we would get married, eventually, but would not communicate this feeling, since she had been divorced prior to our meeting. She would often say she wasn't ready to get remarried anytime soon. She has since explained that she made these statements because she didn't want to pressure me if I wasn't ready for marriage. This summer I felt it was time for me to show that I was interested in a long term commitment by having she and her daughter move into my home. Unfortunately, my family disapproved of co-habitating with a juvenille female and unwed mother. The only way they would approve would be if we got married. She was very hurt that I had to ask them to leave the house, and even more hurt that I explained that I couldn't immediately agree to marriage. I have lived alone for 12 years as a bachelor, and I was frigntened of losing my automomy. We agreed to have a strictly profesional relationship until I decided how to handle the situation, and agreed to sell the restaurant to get the added stress off our backs so we could work on our relationship. After about two weeks had passed, I realized that if I were to marry, I would be gaining a family, and starting a new chapter in my life rather than losing my life. I told her I was willing to do whatever it took to convince her of this. We agreed to work on the relationship as soon as the restaurant sold. I was concerned about showing too much eagerness to renew our old relationship, so I continued to play the professional relationship game for the last six weeks, not realizing she wanted me to move closer. Anyway, two weeks ago, she confided that she had been on several dates with a man who frequented the bar, and had always had a crush on her. She never showed any interest in this man previously, and often we would comment on his binge drinking, and other negative traits. I never would have thought she would fall for this guy. She broke-up with me completely, saying that between the restaurant, our relationship, my family, etc., she was confused and needed time to consider things. What I find strange is her lack of concern, compassion and emotion regarding the entire situation. She has quit her job, totaled her car, (now driving his), and acts as if I should be OK with her decision. She comes to the restaurant, doesn't seem bothered to be near me, talks about how exciting her life is now, goes out several nights a week, acting unlike she acted during our entire relationhip. She has yet to say to me, or mutual friends, that she loves this other guy, or even admit to a serious relationship with him, although they are together constantly. What Gives? Is he a rebound guy, has she blown a gasket, how do you throw away 4 years without a fight? I asked that she not come to the restaurant when I am there, and asked that she not call me, as it is too difficult to see her, or talk to her without extreme heartache. She says she can't understand why we can't talk, etc, but has agreed, and we haven't spoken in over a week. Please help me figure this out, and give advice on what to do next. Your advice is appreciated.

[heartache]

I have been dating a lady for the last four years. She is now 28 and I'm 33. She has a 10yo daughter. During the span of our relationship, we opened two businesses together, the last being a restaurant where we worked side by side for the last year. Needless to say, big mistake. There were good times, but also very stressful times, and we spent very little quality time together. Through the four years, I always felt we would get married, eventually, but would not communicate this feeling, since she had been divorced prior to our meeting. She would often say she wasn't ready to get remarried anytime soon. She has since explained that she made these statements because she didn't want to pressure me if I wasn't ready for marriage. This summer I felt it was time for me to show that I was interested in a long term commitment by having she and her daughter move into my home. Unfortunately, my family disapproved of co-habitating with a juvenille female and unwed mother. The only way they would approve would be if we got married. She was very hurt that I had to ask them to leave the house, and even more hurt that I explained that I couldn't immediately agree to marriage. I have lived alone for 12 years as a bachelor, and I was frigntened of losing my automomy. We agreed to have a strictly profesional relationship until I decided how to handle the situation, and agreed to sell the restaurant to get the added stress off our backs so we could work on our relationship. After about two weeks had passed, I realized that if I were to marry, I would be gaining a family, and starting a new chapter in my life rather than losing my life. I told her I was willing to do whatever it took to convince her of this. We agreed to work on the relationship as soon as the restaurant sold. I was concerned about showing too much eagerness to renew our old relationship, so I continued to play the professional relationship game for the last six weeks, not realizing she wanted me to move closer. Anyway, two weeks ago, she confided that she had been on several dates with a man who frequented the bar, and had always had a crush on her. She never showed any interest in this man previously, and often we would comment on his binge drinking, and other negative traits. I never would have thought she would fall for this guy. She broke-up with me completely, saying that between the restaurant, our relationship, my family, etc., she was confused and needed time to consider things. What I find strange is her lack of concern, compassion and emotion regarding the entire situation. She has quit her job, totaled her car, (now driving his), and acts as if I should be OK with her decision. She comes to the restaurant, doesn't seem bothered to be near me, talks about how exciting her life is now, goes out several nights a week, acting unlike she acted during our entire relationhip. She has yet to say to me, or mutual friends, that she loves this other guy, or even admit to a serious relationship with him, although they are together constantly. What Gives? Is he a rebound guy, has she blown a gasket, how do you throw away 4 years without a fight? I asked that she not come to the restaurant when I am there, and asked that she not call me, as it is too difficult to see her, or talk to her without extreme heartache. She says she can't understand why we can't talk, etc, but has agreed, and we haven't spoken in over a week. Please help me figure this out, and give advice on what to do next. Your advice is appreciated.

 

simplemonkey

 

No she's acting out in my opinion, try reading heartaches message mens view wanted, I am in a similar situation but kinda reversed.

 

you love this lady- yes

 

you have rejected her over and over from what I have read, and she's hurting.

 

If you would not commit to her and rejected her based on your families views, whose she going to believe does love her. The one who really doesn't care she is feeling is accepting her, just the way she is. Are you?

 

Are you putting your pain aside for a moment so you can talk. Talk to her if you really do want these things that you say you do, but do not be surprised if she will not trust you for a while.

 

Love brings us fear, grief and anguish, but if you truely know who you are give it a chance where you are both not so emeshed in every aspect of your lives.

 

I wish you joy,truth and love to both of you. But tread lightly and gently wounds take time to heal.

 

'

[Deejette]

I don't think you were giving her clear enough messages that you wanted a committed relationship. The fact that she told you about the other relationship so frankly shows that she sees you as a friend and not a potential mate. She probably thinks that you wouldn't even be jealous that she is with someone else, because you really don't want her and her complicated situation.

 

You can turn this around by telling her that you are willing to commit to her. But is that what you really want? It sounds more like you are hurt by the situation but don't really want to take her and her daughter into your life on a daily basis, especially since you did not get along all that well when you worked side-by-side in the restaurant.

 

I have had a recent break-up with a man whose complicated life and children were too much for me. They would have taken me down a spiral of trouble way beyond what I could handle in my life. It hurts to think of him with another woman, but I am glad to be free from him too. We can love people a lot, but sometimes love is just not enough for things to really work out between two people.

simplemonkey No she's acting out in my opinion, try reading heartaches message mens view wanted, I am in a similar situation but kinda reversed. you love this lady- yes you have rejected her over and over from what I have read, and she's hurting. If you would not commit to her and rejected her based on your families views, whose she going to believe does love her. The one who really doesn't care she is feeling is accepting her, just the way she is. Are you? Are you putting your pain aside for a moment so you can talk. Talk to her if you really do want these things that you say you do, but do not be surprised if she will not trust you for a while. Love brings us fear, grief and anguish, but if you truely know who you are give it a chance where you are both not so emeshed in every aspect of your lives. I wish you joy,truth and love to both of you. But tread lightly and gently wounds take time to heal. '

[Mitch]

for marriage. This summer I felt it was time for me to show that I was interested in a long term commitment by having she and her daughter move into my home. Unfortunately, my family disapproved of co-habitating with a juvenille female and unwed mother. The only way they would approve would be if we got married. She was very hurt that I had to ask them to leave the house, and even more hurt that I explained that I couldn't immediately agree to marriage. I have lived alone for 12 years as a bachelor, and I was frigntened of losing my automomy.

And you got it!

 

Congratulations. Have a TV Dinner for me.

 

Inviting someone to live with you, then when faced with

 

a) Getting Married

 

- or -

 

b) Kicking her and her daughter out

 

you go with b).. that's a pretty strong signal.

 

Yeah, it's probably over.