Can I Rant For a Second?

[nofool4u]

Assumptions about your character?

 

Well lets see.

 

You slept with someone elses husband for 7 years.

 

Your mother in law thinks you have questionable character and must have a reason to believe this.

 

You immediately started paving the way to get back with the MM again, someone else husband.

 

What am I missing?

[2sure]

You could file a counter petition listing abuse or whatever the equivalent is in your state.

[AnotherRound]

SF, don't let people get you too wrapped up in semantics on here. You know that you did not commit "adultery", even if legally it was adultery. Legally, in my state, adults aren't allowed to have sex in certain positions... whatever. We both know that if you and your H were separated and both intending on divorcing, and not wanting to reconcile, there is no reason that you both shouldn't be able to move on. I totally get what you are saying. My exH and I both were dating other people while waiting for or divorce to be finalized, and neither of us tried to use it to hurt the other, bc our relationship was OVER.

 

I still think that your stbxh is trying to jab at you bc of his own insecurities re: your exMM. Imo, you have the right to have a relationship with whomever you choose since you are separated, intent on getting a divorce, in the process of divorce, and have no interest or faith in reconciliation. The rest is just red tape, paper work, but it's a DONE deal.

 

If I was you, I would cite him dating others too. If he wants to play that game, as ridiculous as it is and as time consuming and silly as it is. You can choose to reciprocate (and heck, if he's going to make it a mess, why not I guess), or to ignore it. It doesn't sound like you're in much harm's way financially in that you two don't have a lot to separate. So, let it be in a document. It's childish on his part, and hurtful, but I wouldn't let it affect me too much in that you KNOW what your character is, you KNOW the truth of the situation. And I believe you, and what you have written here. When a divorce is a DONE deal, what's the point in waiting until the paper work comes through? Heck, I had moved out of state, gotten a new job, started another graduate program... I was just waiting on the paper work (my old state had a 60 day waiting period in that you could decide to not divorce in that time if you wanted). I knew that I wasn't staying married to him, so, it was just wasting time.

 

Keep us updated, and try not to take it to heart that some people get so stuck on following every single "rule" that they have set in their minds or else you are a "bad" person. There a lot of folks on here with god complex, and they will spend all day telling you that you are a "bad" person. Just remember, they have no right to judge you at all, and at best, they are taking out their anger from their own situations on you. Try not to take it personally.

 

Good luck!

[SecretFlower]

^^ Thank you. I really needed to hear that after a truly difficult day

[AnotherRound]

^^ Thank you. I really needed to hear that after a truly difficult day

 

No problem. I'm not here to judge, as I live in a glass house too (as do we all, imo). And like I said, I can tell that you are being sincere. So, just remember that you know what you know, and nobody on the outside looking in can know it the way that you know it. You are the expert on you, nobody else, regardless of what they have convinced themselves of. We all know that it's very easy to stand on the outside looking in and make judgment calls... that's why those who participate in sports watch tapes of themselves...

 

I hope that it all works out for you. And I am sorry that your ex is taking jabs at you now. Some people just have no other coping skills than that. I'm sorry you're at the end of it. You can choose not to engage, which is what I do when someone is acting in that manner. I simply call them on it, then disengage. You don't HAVE to participate in childish games with someone if you don't want to.

 

Hope it all works out... and know that the days WILL get better.

[Sauron]

Sounds like your Husband wanted out of the marriage with you, and is using your conversation as a reason. I bet his Mother probably worked on him as well, since she didn't like your character. I mean wtf did he go tell everything to his mother! What a big pussy, you should have dumped his ass for that. Mama's boy. I am impressed with your 7 year run as OW, that's where I am with my OW. So who was better for sex your husband or the MM? Oh and there is a black and white, moral majority here that will judge you, they like judging everybody. I am not sure they see the complexity involved in modern human inter-personal relationships and that there is not one solution or answer to every problem, nor do they see the role BS's play in creating the environment for an affair, some of them posted on your thread. Good luck to you.

[Artie Lang]

I did not cheat on my husband. I respected our vows until we separated and I made the decision to end that relationship as I felt guilty that we were still married even though we were separated.

 

you do realize you're contradicting yourself here, right? if you didn't cheat, as you've stated, then why feel guilty about "that relationship" with MM?

 

 

Separated is not divorced and can still be used against the cheating spouse in a fault state.

 

exactly.

 

it really doesn't matter what anyone on this board says. if in your locality you are not deemed LEGALLY divorced or LEGALLY separated, he can cite infidelity/adultery if it applies. cruel or not cruel.

 

furthermore, if what you say is true and he too was "dating," then it follows that he's just as guilty of infidelity/adultery also. correct?

 

 

this is clearly a personal jab at you.

 

hit him back with it.

Edited September 15, 2012 by Artie Lang

[Anelisa]

^^ Thank you. I really needed to hear that after a truly difficult day

 

I get what you're saying, I really do.

Emotional infidelity is really not good grounds for divorce by any stretch of the imagination, IMO. Your husband gave up on your marriage because of his own insecurities from not only your past but, I suspect, his too. Counseling could have helped had he been willing, but he wasn't.

The above post is correct. If he is accusing you of adultery then he too is guilty of the same thing.

If I may suggest... keep going to therapy, it's the best thing you can do for yourself at this time. Take some time to be single and try to explore who you are and what you want out of life. Be an independent person and figure out your future without the strengths and weaknesses of a man, and start living. Then you'll know you're ready for a relationship and it may just work out.

Sorry to sound trite but... a divorce from a short marriage with no assets or children is probably easier than most, I could be wrong though, so I've heard.

I wish you well in your future, be kind to yourself

[AnotherRound]

If you didn't commit adultery under the laws of your state, then your husband might be subject to court sanctions if he knowingly filed a false accusation.

 

So, the real question here is whether or not having sex with someone else while still married constitutes adultery in your state.

 

How do you feel it is "uncivil" for your h's divorce complaint to cite adultery as grounds for the divorce if you did commit adultery?

 

Makes no sense.

 

I think the issue is that she did, legally, commit adultery in that she was having a relationship with someone else prior the divorce being finalized. There was no legal separation, as many states don't do this, but make you have a "cooling off" time period (60 days in my old state), in case you change your mind. She was convinced it was over, as was he, and they didn't need to "cool off", so they both started seeing other people.

 

Problem is, imo, that she started seeing (or just talking to) her exMM, and her stbxh took that very personally. He then latched onto, "oh, see! It's adultery!"... despite the fact that he was moving on also.

 

Yes, legally, it would be defined as adultery. However, if both parties are done with the relationship and are just waiting for the divorce to finalize, I would argue that it's not "true" adultery, just bc the law books say so. There are many laws in the US that are ridiculous and outdated and just haven't been removed from the books. In my state, I could, by law, be arrested for having sex in any position other than missionary. Legally, that's the truth. Common sense wise... really? It's obviously ridiculous, but it's never been taken off the books.

 

It's a question of legally vs. common sense here. And why the laws aren't more up to date is beyond me, but if someone doesn't feel that they need a "cooling off" period, I'm not sure why the govt feels the need to force them into one.

[SecretFlower]

If you didn't commit adultery under the laws of your state, then your husband might be subject to court sanctions if he knowingly filed a false accusation.

 

So, the real question here is whether or not having sex with someone else while still married constitutes adultery in your state.

 

How do you feel it is "uncivil" for your h's divorce complaint to cite adultery as grounds for the divorce if you did commit adultery?

 

Makes no sense.

 

I guess, initially, I didn't really see that I was legally committing adultery and I don't think that either of us have cheated on one another because our relationship is over. We have a legal binding to one another, but really if we were still dating or merely engaged, we would've broken up and that would've been it.

 

To me, citing something like adultery unless I've been actively sleeping with someone throughout our marriage, having an emotional affair (and I'm not and I didn't), or had a ONS or whatever is a bit of an insult and is taking our divorce to place it doesn't need to be. Maybe it just makes sense to me though...

[nofool4u]

If you didn't commit adultery under the laws of your state, then your husband might be subject to court sanctions if he knowingly filed a false accusation.

 

No, he won't. Its just a reason to divorce. Just like if someone wants a divorce and cannot meet any of the criteria, they could file mental cruelty. Why? Because in someone's mind, for example, not having their every need met could be interpreted by them as mental cruelty from their spouse.

 

I say she just forgets the reason he is saying he is filing and just go through with the divorce. Adultery doesn't give him any advantage in court.

 

And like I said earlier, if she has been emotionally unfaithful to him by harboring feelings for this MM, which she obviously has, then it could be seen by him as being, at the very least, emotional infidelity.

 

She obviously wanted to be with MM anyway, so I say just let her stbXH have his reason for divorce and just get it done and over with.

 

And in any case, it doesn't look good for her to be appalled by the reason he filed for divorce when he could very well interpret her as being emotionally unfaithful, and her being with someone elses husband for 7 years, and now paving the way to help him cheat on her again.

 

 

So, the real question here is whether or not having sex with someone else while still married constitutes adultery in your state.

 

Yes, it does. But it doesn't matter. She'll still get half of marital assets, although doesn't sound like they were married very long so it may be a mute point.

 

But it won't give her stbXH a leg up in the divorce, with maybe the exception of being granted a divorce quicker, not sure.

[nofool4u]

I guess, initially, I didn't really see that I was legally committing adultery and I don't think that either of us have cheated on one another because our relationship is over. We have a legal binding to one another, but really if we were still dating or merely engaged, we would've broken up and that would've been it.

 

To me, citing something like adultery unless I've been actively sleeping with someone throughout our marriage, having an emotional affair (and I'm not and I didn't), or had a ONS or whatever is a bit of an insult and is taking our divorce to place it doesn't need to be. Maybe it just makes sense to me though...

 

Since its obvious your heart belonged to someone else while married to H, the bolded part holds true, even if you were not in contact with MM.

 

And if you just couldn't wait to have sex with MM again after H filed, then don't be appalled at the reason he filed. Just let him file on the grounds of adultery, get the divorce over, and continue your quest to hurt this other man's wife.

[AnotherRound]

Since its obvious your heart belonged to someone else while married to H, the bolded part holds true, even if you were not in contact with MM.

 

And if you just couldn't wait to have sex with MM again after H filed, then don't be appalled at the reason he filed. Just let him file on the grounds of adultery, get the divorce over, and continue your quest to hurt this other man's wife.

 

SF, I don't agree with the above post by nofool4u.

 

Like I said, you know in your heart of hearts that this is all just semantics with the stbxh. He is hurt, obviously, and lashing back at you. As unfair as that is, it just is. If you want, since he was pursuing other relationships before there was any ink on the dissolution papers, you can do the same with him. I know that you don't want to get into this ugly and childish back and forth with him, and if you don't want to... don't. Walk away being the better person in that you did not return his lashing out.

 

And let him have the damn couch if he wants it... lol

[SecretFlower]

^^ He can definitely have the couch.