aventura Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 My husband and I had our first child two months ago and our large extended family-aunts, uncles, cousins-have yet to congratulate and acknowledge our child. ONly one aunt has wished us well...We are so shocked and hurt. We don't understand why they haven't congratulated us. no phone call, congratulatory card, nothing. We thought maybe the one aunt whom we told of the baby's birth didn't forward the message to other relatives, so we sent out beautiful birth announcements and still no congratulations from the other relatives. Meanwhile, as soon as friends from around the country received our birth annuncement they called us immediately and wished us well or sent us a card but nothing from relatives and our baby is 3 months old....We feel terrible the way this large extended family has disregarded our baby especially since all our parents are deceased and they are the only relatives we have, so it adds more hurt that our relatives are showing no support whatsoever for us and our new baby. We are confused as to why they would treat us like this when we always expressed joy when they or their children had babies--we would visit them in hospital and/or send a gift etc.. Question is would you invite these relatives to the baby's baptism. We don't want to after being shunned. We just want to invite friends. If we don't invite our relatives, we know it will probably sever ties but they don't seem to care anyway and they probably wouldn't come to the baptism. What do you think--invite these relatives or not? and why are they not at the very least congratulating us with a phone call? thx for any feedback Link to post Share on other sites
bluegreen Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Let me make this short and sweet ma'm Those people or even that one individual who did not returned my well wishes or joy i extended toward them in their day is not allowed or even thought about on much less invited to the most happiest or joyfullest one of my. I would go even farther than and cut them off from my life STAT that but then not everyone is me and that might not work for you but shame on them even if they hated your guts they should have done it for that innocent angel pure and of no sin at all shame shame shame on them I would end up despising them for life in your place. And allow me to congratulate you on your happiness : )) and wish you all the best ... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 ON some occasions I would say be the bigger person and invite them anyway to show how nice you are, but on this occasion i say stuff em. Becoming parents for the first time is HUGE. When I had our daughter we were inundated with gifts, food and offers of help- hell, even our neighbours who we hardly knew brought round a lasagne. If none of your relatives can even be bothered to contact you (and in this day and age of texting, email, facebook etc that is a very poor show) to congratulate you they have no place being at your babys baptism. A baptism is for the people who want to be part of the childs life- these people don't seem to want to at all. Don't invite them. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 PS and congratulations on the birth of your child- don't let this take the shine off such an amazing time in your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Always take the high road and do what's right, with dignity. It will never bite you in the butt, as you will have nothing to apologize for. Taking the high road is for YOU, not for them. Same with forgiving. Do they deserve forgiving? Who cares? Forgiving is for giving YOU peace of mind, so your baby doesn't grow up with bitter parents and learn to be bitter, herself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
tinktronik Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Why would you even consider foisting your baby onto people who want nothing to do with it? Do you want your baby to feel disregarded and without importance? If you have to foist baby on them baby will realize they don't really care about it eventually. Invite your loving circle of friends. Surround yourself and your child with support and caring people. But don't invite in toxic ever unless you want your child to grow up with a broken normal meter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 THank you for your feedback. Just to follow-up, some of these toxic relatives who didn't bother to visit our first-born in hospital or pick up the phone to congratulate us, were forced to meet our baby at a funeral for a distant relative a month after our baby's birth because we took the baby there. But, still no follow-up after we sent the birth announcements from them or their children (our cousins). Question is: we already rsvp'd to one of our cousin's weddings before the baby was born. My husband feels so offended that he doesn't want to go to the wedding reception in a month. Should we skip everything including the wedding reception and church ceremony and not bother going because we'll be forced to see all the relatives who showed no support or joy for our baby? thank you Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 12, 2012 Author Share Posted September 12, 2012 So, are you saying take the high road and don't invite them? Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 You RSVPed, so I think you need to try to make it, barring a medical emergency. And yes, don't invite them, if you feel that the disappointment of them ignoring the invitation will be too much to bare. To be honest, unless you are very close to your extended family and see each other regularly, I wouldn't expect anything of them or rely on them for anything. If I had a child, I know that I'd only be telling immediate family and a handful of close friends. But then, every family is different. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wow04 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Maybe I am missing something. None of my Aunts, Uncles, or Cousins congratulated me when I had my first child. I wouldn't expect them to. They are extended family. As for the baptism of your child, it is up to you who you invite. Again, I didn't invite my Aunts, Uncles, or Cousins to any of my 4 kids baptisms. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 And yes, don't invite them, if you feel that the disappointment of them ignoring the invitation will be too much to bare. Sorry, that should be "bear." Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 So, are you saying take the high road and don't invite them? No, I am saying act with dignity, kindness, and respect to every single person on earth. No matter how much of an ass they are. For you to purposely exclude them, and even go to the point of digging up MORE ways to diss them like you are now doing, does NOTHING to them. It does a LOT to YOU - it brings you down to their level. It sucks the joy out of your life by dwelling on people unworthy of a seat in your brain. It subconsciously makes you feel bad because you are being a spiteful person and you know it (yet try to justify it; they're worse than me, and all). And it will ONLY lead to MORE drama. And your child, and your marriage, don't need that...just so you can feel superior to them. You already ARE superior to them. So act like it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Maybe I am missing something. None of my Aunts, Uncles, or Cousins congratulated me when I had my first child. I wouldn't expect them to. They are extended family. As for the baptism of your child, it is up to you who you invite. Again, I didn't invite my Aunts, Uncles, or Cousins to any of my 4 kids baptisms. Same here. And I didn't sit around counting congratulations, either. I was too busy being happy with my child. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 12, 2012 Share Posted September 12, 2012 Your relatives sound like our relatives. Unfortunately my H's father passed when he was young and his mother and stepfather have never made the effort to be a part of our lives. (His mom now has stage 4 cancer) Cancer or no, basically he's like an orphan. And I have some toxic relatives on my side. I always worried about all this if we have kids. I would cut them out of my life if I were you. My husband tried for awhile to involve his mother and she's never shown interest, even before cancer...I think it's because she lets her husband control the relationship she has with her only child. Invite those who are close to you...and discount the rest of those relatives. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMagicBullet Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 If you haven't heard anything from these people in two months after the birth and sending out birth announcements -- no phone calls, nothing -- I say save yourself the cost of sending out invitations that will likely be ignored. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 Are they always like this? What are they like with the rest of the family? I wish you could choose family, like you can choose your friends! Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 13, 2012 Share Posted September 13, 2012 You can. Just smile and ignore them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 I feel very uncomfortable going to the wedding and being surrounded by people who didn't acknowledge our first-born...what kind of people can't be nice at the birth of a child. I wanted to go to the church ceremony, but a close friend advised me not to. she said with these relatives they will have something to say whether you go or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Gagirl Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I wouldn't go to the wedding or really have much to do with them anymore except for the one aunt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 thx...that's what I'm thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I can't believe so many people are so ready to just ditch people - family - just because they don't live up to YOUR standard of niceties. And especially if you don't even have the courage to ask them to their face WHAT their intention was. You just walk away from a wide swath of family members because of a perceived slight. And they most likely will not even have a CLUE why you are doing this. fwiw, I'm 54, I grew up being told to write thank you letters and send birth cards or whatever...and I just don't. I'm a nice person who goes out of my way to help people, and yet I just don't get around to sending cards. I just don't. I have a million other things to do and it wouldn't even occur to me to send a birth card to every new set of parents in my family. But that doesn't make me a bad person or a mean person or even one who doesn't CARE about those new parents. I just don't do cards. Nor do I call cousins and second cousins who have babies to congratulate them. So by your definition, I should be ostracized, when I probably do more to help my relatives than anyone else. So if my relative cut me off because I didn't send them a birth card, when it never even occurred to me to do so, and didn't have the courtesy to TELL me why they were doing it, guess who would be thinking who was rude? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 My mom and I were actually on this subject the other day. Old standards say it's proper etiquette to send a card or gift if your are invited to something. However, a lot of people just don't anymore. I was invited to my cousin's birthday, I never sent a card or anything. I didn't hear or get anything from him or my aunt on my birthday, so I don't think it's a big deal when it comes to extended relatives. A simple call, text or even facebook birthday wish and apology for not being able to attend should be sufficient. I went to two parties this weekend and those particular people have told us it's okay to not bring gifts. A card or token gift is fine. Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 19, 2012 Author Share Posted September 19, 2012 To Turnera: thanks for your feedback, but it's not a "perceived slight,'' as you put it, it's a major slight. Both our parents are dead on both sides, these are the only relatives we have. We had our first baby. For other family members, they do the standard things either/or visit at hospital, congratulatory phone call, congratulatory card, text message, voicemail, social media acknowlegement, and we DID those things when their children had children--congratulatory call and we sent gifts.. We got NOTHING. Having a baby is a big deal, a milestone like getting married. Strangers, friends of friends, neighbors we barely knew shared out joy with smiles, hellos on the street, congratulatory words, and some sent clothes and other gifts. IT is a major slight not to get phone calls or an acknowledgement from some 40 relatives. One family out of 40 acknowledging our baby is awful and crude. These same relatives managed to travel out of state for a wake and funeral for a distant elderly relative but they couldn't do anything for our innocent first-born. It's just appalling and it made us feel our baby was shunned. BTW. today my husabnd said if our cousin, who has yet to acknowledge the baby doesn't do so, he refuses to go to his wedding at all including the ceremony Do you think that's the right thing to do????. Thx for your feedback. I really appreciate your take on this. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 (edited) So you're telling me that, out of 40 family members, you two are the ONLY ones who aren't being acknowledged? Then something is obviously going on, and you need to figure out what it is, or you are basically cutting off your entire family to spite your noses. Why can't you just CALL someone and ask them why they didn't acknowledge? IME, it usually means that they all have decided that they don't like ONE of you (usually the one who married into the family). Wouldn't it behoove you to just ASK them and find out what's going on? Look, I'm telling you this from the OTHER side of a lifespan. My kid is grown. I'm on the waning part of my life. I've seen people cut out family members; I've seen people reach out and FIX perceived slights, so that the family can spend another 50 years of friendship together. Which one do you think is the wiser route? Edited September 19, 2012 by turnera 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author aventura Posted September 28, 2012 Author Share Posted September 28, 2012 Well, I ran into these relatives at a funeral. Didn't bring baby and some congratulated us. Another asked where baby is and we told this particular aunt we thought she would've visited the baby when we were in the hospital (like we did for her when she gave birth to 4 children). She was alittle caught off guard and brushed it off saying, "well, I'm sure I'll meet the baby soon.'' They invited my husband and I to the memorial luncheon afterwards and told us to bring baby. We decided not to go. Link to post Share on other sites
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