Coworker crush is leaving (Long)

[Sammy282]

I have been working with a guy for 18 months and over that time have come to really really like him. In fact I seem to have developed a massive crush. However he's leaving in 2 weeks and I don't know how to act or behave because he's blown really hot, then really cold over all this time and I just have no idea what his interest is anymore.. Do I play it cool, like I'm not bothered, or do I tell him I'll miss him etc?

 

Full background is below. I just don't know if I should do anything or not. I'm tending towards not I think but I need advice!

 

Background

 

We share an office, just the two of us. for part of the week, then the rest of the week he's based elsewhere. This has meant a lot of time together with no one else around. Talking is really easy, we laugh at the same stuff, I look forward to the days he's in and find myself very attracted to him. We both seem to be comletely comfortable and relaxed around each other.

 

 

 

First 6 months of working together

• makes a point of telling me he's single
  
• asks for my personal mobile number 'so he can keep in touch on days he's not in my office' even though we have email and I have a desk phone
  
• texts me outside of work sometimes with things that really could have waited until he saw me the next day
  
• invades my personal space, lots of little touches, compliments my appearance, leans in way too close compared to other coworkers, teases me and pokes gentle fun when I get stressed over something
  
• always has a big smile when he comes in
  
• holds eye contact a lot, way more than normal colleagues
  
• asks a million questions about my life, my friends, am I seeing anyone, my family, my hobbies and interests
  
• always asks what I've been up to at the weekend and if I mention any guys name he wants to know who they are
  
• invites me to eat lunch with him, grab a coffee etc
  
• coworker friend says she's seen him checking me out when he thinks I'm not looking
  
• a couple of times it seems like he's going to ask me out but then he seems to change his mind at the last minute
  

So, all going great right? Until one day after 6 months his mobile phone is ringing off the hook but he keeps ignoring it. I ask him about it and he says it's a girl he went out with over the weekend but he's not interested in her. He goes on to explain he's online dating and been 'seeing a few people'. He seems keen to explain it's just dating, nothing serious but I'm disappointed but try not to show it. He keeps talking about it, even as I give him a lift to the station to catch his train. He asks me if I'm ok because I look a little weird and I say I'm fine.

 

Driving home, I decide to put my cards on the table because I just want to know where I stand, it's been a confusing 6 months. I text him when I get home that evening saying:

 

"Hi ****, for the record, if you had asked me I would have said yes. That's why I looked weird when you asked earlier. I was disappointed. I probably shouldn't have said anything now but I wanted to explain. I hope this won't affect work, don't worry, I won't mention it again."

 

His reply

"Ah, that makes me look a bit insensitive, sorry about that. Anyway, trust me, you only get the edited highlights at work. We're better off as a work duo.

 

My reply back

"Don't worry about it, see you tomorrow"

 

Following month or so

The first day seeing him after the text convo was a little awkward but we got past it and neither of us mentioned it. He clearly dialed back his behaviour, nothing that could be misinterpreted as flirting, no invitations to eat lunch etc. It was friendly, but it was strictly business. He started commenting that I was too nice sometimes, that people didn't deserve me and I shouldn't be so nice to people who gave nothing back - was he talking about himself? He got flustered and ended the conversation when I asked him to explain.

 

Rest of the year

He's slowly been ramping it back up again. He's back in my personal space, he's teasing, leaning in, complimenting me, wanting to know what I'm doing on my down time, who I'm hanging out with. He drops by our office even on days when he's working on another part of the site. .

 

He has never mentioned dating anyone since the day he was ignoring those phone calls. He mentions friends but never ever talks about any women. Because he doesn't want to hurt me, or because there aren't any?

 

The last couple of weeks he's been making comments about what I will do when he leaves. How I'll probably have a new office mate and forget all about him etc.

 

Today's Problem:

So, I'm inclined to feel like I put my cards on the table all those months ago, the ball is very much in his court and the fact he's leaving is a cut off point. He will have to make a move if he wants to see me again, if he doesn't then that will be my answer. But either way, how do I act on his last day?

 

I would suggest taking him to lunch or for a drink after work if it was anyone else but I don't want to look like I'm asking him out if he's not interested. It's awkward.

 

At the same time I don't want to look like I don't care it's his last day because that's impolite and people normally do something when a coworker leaves! The trouble is he only really works with me and my line manager so I can't make it a big office thing or anything like that. It will be the two of us in our room all day and then he'll leave. Awkward?!

 

However I have a good friend telling me I need to take one more chance, that he is insecure because we work together and needs me to give him a very obvious green light. But surely my text to him said that months ago?!

 

 

For all the reasons I think he might be in to me, there are many more which point to the fact that he's probably not:

• has never asked to see me outside of work
  
• has never really done anything for me aside from very occasionally picking up the tab for a takeaway coffee. In fact, he's probably done that twice in 18 months.
  
• Once I suggested we get lunch in a local cafe as it had been a stressful morning and I had my car. He said 'oh no, it's fine, I'll just grab a usual sandwich from downstairs, you coming?'
  
• He's obviously not shy about dating because he was seeing girls he'd met online
  
• ignored 2 birthdays now, even when other colleagues have given me cards and even small presents, he's forgotten and not mentioned it.
  
• when he texts me outside work is witty and clever but always short. Like, he's thought about it enough to be funny, but doesn't want a whole conversation.
  

As far as I know, if a man wants to see you, he will make that happen. So far he hasn't gone out of his way to do anything, he knows how I feel (I assume) and if he doesn't pursue it then that's it.

 

What would you do if you were me?

[jobaba]

The same thing happened to me. I spent months at a time alone with a co-worker and I fell for her. She rejected me.

 

He's already rejected you... your italicized part. You can argue and point to little imagined signals and signs that he really is into you after all and I did the same, but the fact of the matter remains.

 

Let him go, let him leave, cut contact with him, and look for other men.

 

Take him out, and buy him a burger and say goodbye. It's pretty obvious you have feelings for this guy so you don't want to be around when he gets another gal.

 

You should also re-evaluate why exactly it is that you liked him. If you don't hang outside of work, you probably don't have that much in common. Also, from some of your post, he doesn't really sound all that nice or attentive. Maybe he's just really cute/hot...

 

I wouldn't take one more swing if I were you. The rejection might mess you up for a while. Just let it go.

Edited September 12, 2012 by jobaba

[ascendotum]

I don't think he's insecure. I suspect he has a friendly/flirty nature and enjoys women being friendly/flirty/desiring him back. It was good to see you put your 'cards on the table' so to speak, and shame it didn't work out like you wanted. He knows you have been single...knows you have feelings for him, but has not stumped up to ask you out. If you were not good enough 18 mths ago, why would you want to be just another option after he's been dating and having fun with other woman for the past 18 mths.

 

Look some people have a policy of not dating co-workers. Fine, if that's the case with this guy he ideally should have said so, plus he should not have not have lead you on. imo, you summed it up in your 2nd last paragraph. Surely there must be other guys who show some interest in you that you fancy.

[truth_seeker]

He's a player. He was messing with you the whole time. I would avoid him the last day. If you take him out for a drink after work, he will make a move if he senses he can have you that night.

 

Think about it: last day of work, he's not coming, he probably won't ever see you again. Why not take a shot is what he's thinking.

 

This guy has been laying the foundation for this for a long time.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Wow...such an elaborate post for such an obvious answer. You unfortunately are extremely blind to the obvious since you are so interested in this guy.

 

There are some things you wouldn't understand though....there is behavior that "confuse" women. Whenever you're confused though and the answer isn't clear don't start making excuses for the guy, If he doesn't clear it up then it's intentional.

 

This guy was playing a mind game with you from the beginning. He wanted to play the seed, be nice and charming, get close to you however you'll see that throughout your post there is a consistency in the distance that he maintains as to not overtly step over the line....those are "player" tactics, to tumble the line without making any "obvious" gesture, they know how you think and what you are thinking, you're looking for something to give you a definite sign of interest...but he doesn't give it to you, he plays aloof or careful about what he does and say so that you still maintain that interest level. He's looking for a safety net, an invite from you to make an outward gesture of interest and desire.

 

However you already gave him that...he knows you were interested, he's not a fool. He wasn't "dating" those women online he was likely having relationships with the both of them or even has a GF then one of the girls found out and started blowing up his phone. He was probably in trouble and got caught...but as per usual, just give a half-@ss answer like "oh she's just kinda of crazy, I'm not interested" then It's all explained, he doesn't look like a bad guy and you still think the same since you really don't know what's going on anyway.

 

All those little details you mentioned are pretty much ridiculous, they don't mean anything coming from a man. You're reading into and analyzing waaaaaay too much, I really don't understand about women refuses to believe that IF a man is into her and wants something more he's going to make it obvious...no confusion, no tip-toeing, no pursuit is required to get this man to want to be with you If he already feels that way...in fact If you're too soft and show too much interest we just relegate you to the typical woman and that's a dime-a-dozen, woman swooned, mission complete...nothing else to gain, not enough emotional attachment or interest to continue.

 

He's going to keep teasing, flirting, hinting...that's what some guys do, It's exciting, It's fun to have someone interested in you, he enjoys the power and influence he has on women pulling off his charm.

 

When push comes to shove however, he doesn't want to put his job on the line...no way, not for you, and he doesn't need the "spy" (other women he's dating) sitting right behind him knowing all his business, watching all his moves. And he's smart not to piss where he plays, he's keeping his professional life separate...unfortunately so he can continue doing his own thing and maintain stability at work. He already knows what he's doing to women, he does the same thing to them as he does to you...same strategy and tactics, just less aggressive since dating you would be an actual conflict of interest...plus from his comments he sees you as a pushover, so he already knows the deal there, he doesn't want a relationship with you...never did, If anything consider yourself lucky enough to work with him, or you could have have been the girl blowing up his phone while he was at work.

 

You put all the cards on the table, he'll just be like a deer in headlights, uncomfortable and come up with an excuse of why It wouldn't work out. He learned his lesson treading the line already, If he's leaving the best you could look for is a fling/FWB type situation at the very best, which If he's leaving he's likely got other fish on his line.

 

Your friend seems to know as little about men as you do.

[KungFuJoe]

Where do you get that this guy is a player?

 

All I see is a friendly guy who just wants to be friends.

 

Nothing more.

[jobaba]

Wow...such an elaborate post for such an obvious answer. You unfortunately are extremely blind to the obvious since you are so interested in this guy.

 

This guy was playing a mind game with you from the beginning. He wanted to play the seed, be nice and charming, get close to you however you'll see that throughout your post there is a consistency in the distance that he maintains as to not overtly step over the line....those are "player" tactics, to tumble the line without making any "obvious" gesture, they know how you think and what you are thinking, you're looking for something to give you a definite sign of interest...but he doesn't give it to you, he plays aloof or careful about what he does and say so that you still maintain that interest level. He's looking for a safety net, an invite from you to make an outward gesture of interest and desire.

 

All those little details you mentioned are pretty much ridiculous, they don't mean anything coming from a man. You're reading into and analyzing waaaaaay too much, I really don't understand about women refuses to believe that IF a man is into her and wants something more he's going to make it obvious...no confusion, no tip-toeing, no pursuit is required to get this man to want to be with you If he already feels that way...in fact If you're too soft and show too much interest we just relegate you to the typical woman and that's a dime-a-dozen, woman swooned, mission complete...nothing else to gain, not enough emotional attachment or interest to continue.

 

He's going to keep teasing, flirting, hinting...that's what some guys do, It's exciting, It's fun to have someone interested in you, he enjoys the power and influence he has on women pulling off his charm.

 

 

Brilliant post, and I'd like to say my co-worker did the same to me.

 

After we no longer worked together, she kept popping up and offering some slight hints and some seemingly overt hints that she was interested and that she was jealous (when I was able to snag someone else shortly after).

 

In retrospect, she was a female player. I had seen her do it to other guys in the office, but was completely oblivious and allowed myself to fall for her at my own peril.

 

I guess people get a sense of self-satisfaction knowing they can attract guys/gals whether they are interested or not. To me, it seems kind of evil to play with people's feelings in this way.

[jobaba]

Where do you get that this guy is a player?

 

All I see is a friendly guy who just wants to be friends.

 

Nothing more.

 

She said after he had rejected her, he still teases her and flirts with her.

 

I wouldn't do that to a person I knew had feelings for me.

 

I've never been in a position to do that to someone , but I would try not to.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Brilliant post, and I'd like to say my co-worker did the same to me.

 

After we no longer worked together, she kept popping up and offering some slight hints and some seemingly overt hints that she was interested and that she was jealous (when I was able to snag someone else shortly after).

 

In retrospect, she was a female player. I had seen her do it to other guys in the office, but was completely oblivious and allowed myself to fall for her at my own peril.

 

I guess people get a sense of self-satisfaction knowing they can attract guys/gals whether they are interested or not. To me, it seems kind of evil to play with people's feelings in this way.

 

It's attention whoring....they need that external validation to maintain their egos. It's like something that's spinning around in a circle but all you have to do is stick your finger in the middle of it and then It turns into a big, giant knot...problem is too many people are mesmerized by the show that they don't really see what they're looking at.

 

You've got to snap out of it and see it for what it is, otherwise by the time you do they've already taken advantage of you...you're lucky If you don't become a victim to the fullest...If the worse thing you got was confused then you're lucky, you would have been used. It's only fun for them until they have your complete interest.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Where do you get that this guy is a player?

 

All I see is a friendly guy who just wants to be friends.

 

Nothing more.

 

The charm works as a dual persona, It works with both sexes.

[Emilia]

Some people are attention whores, regardless of gender. As Ninja said, when a man is really interested he will let you know in no uncertain terms.

 

I work with a bunch of sales guys and Friday evenings in the pub are always the same, they are outgoing and flirty and love attention. It's a bit of banter nothing more.

[KungFuJoe]

She said after he had rejected her, he still teases her and flirts with her.

 

I wouldn't do that to a person I knew had feelings for me.

 

I've never been in a position to do that to someone , but I would try not to.

 

First of all....she had a crush on him. When you have a crush on someone, you put everything under a microscope.

 

"oh...he said Hi in a different way today...maybe it means something."

 

"he accidentally brushed up against me trying to get a cup of coffee...does he like me?"

 

Basically, you are the WORST judge of how the other person is actually feeling because you're so caught up in your "crush".

 

I've been on both sides...and there have been times where a girl had a crush on me and thought I was hitting on her when I strictly considered her a friend only and never even once thought I was sending mixed signals.

 

18 months is a LONG time to lay the foundation. Player? Don't make me laugh. Unless he's using the global warming method of playing and figures he'll be in the door some time sometime around 2052.

 

Guy is being friendly...nothing more, nothing less. Maybe a little flirty and maybe he knows she likes him so he turns on the charm a bit because he likes the attention...but he wants nothing more than to be friends.

[jobaba]

First of all....she had a crush on him. When you have a crush on someone, you put everything under a microscope.

 

"oh...he said Hi in a different way today...maybe it means something."

 

"he accidentally brushed up against me trying to get a cup of coffee...does he like me?"

 

Basically, you are the WORST judge of how the other person is actually feeling because you're so caught up in your "crush".

 

I've been on both sides...and there have been times where a girl had a crush on me and thought I was hitting on her when I strictly considered her a friend only and never even once thought I was sending mixed signals.

 

18 months is a LONG time to lay the foundation. Player? Don't make me laugh. Unless he's using the global warming method of playing and figures he'll be in the door some time sometime around 2052.

 

Guy is being friendly...nothing more, nothing less. Maybe a little flirty and maybe he knows she likes him so he turns on the charm a bit because he likes the attention...but he wants nothing more than to be friends.

 

There's a distinct difference and having been rejected by so many women , I can tell you what it is.

 

He doesn't REALLY want to be her friend. My coworker didn't REALLY want to be my friend. She doesn't really have male friends. They want the attention and the moment.

 

On the other hand, I was rejected 10 years ago by a woman that I was truly friends with and she insisted we stay friends. We still are today, and I will see her and her husband this weekend. That is the difference.

[KungFuJoe]

There's a distinct difference and having been rejected by so many women , I can tell you what it is.

 

He doesn't REALLY want to be her friend. My coworker didn't REALLY want to be my friend. She doesn't really have male friends. They want the attention and the moment.

 

On the other hand, I was rejected 10 years ago by a woman that I was truly friends with and she insisted we stay friends. We still are today, and I will see her and her husband this weekend. That is the difference.

 

Maybe he doesn't want to be friends in the sense that they actually do something outside of work, but he's definitely not trying to get into her pants.

 

He might be fishing for her attention, but if so, who cares.

 

If you have a crush on a coworker, who is single, for 18 months and you don't do JACK about it...that's on YOU. Go find out for yourself if he/she really likes you instead of fretting about it and then making a thread on LS when your crush is leaving your life. So what if you get rejected.

 

For the record, twice I've liked a friend who I thought only liked me as a friend, only to find out later they wanted to actually be with me. Turns out those mixed signals I thought I was getting weren't so mixed...I just was clueless on how to interpret them. Looking back, I'm actually glad it didn't happen because they are much better as friends (and one of them is still my best female friend after nearly 16 years)...but just saying that people sometimes have absolutely NO idea what the other person is thinking or feeling.

 

Go find out!

[truth_seeker]

Brilliant post, and I'd like to say my co-worker did the same to me.

 

After we no longer worked together, she kept popping up and offering some slight hints and some seemingly overt hints that she was interested and that she was jealous (when I was able to snag someone else shortly after).

 

In retrospect, she was a female player. I had seen her do it to other guys in the office, but was completely oblivious and allowed myself to fall for her at my own peril.

 

I guess people get a sense of self-satisfaction knowing they can attract guys/gals whether they are interested or not. To me, it seems kind of evil to play with people's feelings in this way.

 

This has happened to me, too. This woman would pop up every so often, sometimes months a part to test the waters. See if I was around, if I was with a woman. She was playing games and I was dumb to go along with it. Why? I had a crush on her. It happens. The idea is to not forget and be aware of women like this in the future.

[truth_seeker]

If you have a crush on a coworker, who is single, for 18 months and you don't do JACK about it...that's on YOU. Go find out for yourself if he/she really likes you instead of fretting about it and then making a thread on LS when your crush is leaving your life. So what if you get rejected.

 

I had a woman confess to me once how she liked me but kept it a secret only until she knew she was leaving and wouldn't see me again. I had seen her around for 1-2 years before her confession.

 

You're right, though. People need to be more assertive and bold; step up to the plate and take a swing.

[ChatroomHero]

First of all....she had a crush on him. When you have a crush on someone, you put everything under a microscope.

 

"oh...he said Hi in a different way today...maybe it means something."

 

"he accidentally brushed up against me trying to get a cup of coffee...does he like me?"

 

Basically, you are the WORST judge of how the other person is actually feeling because you're so caught up in your "crush".

 

I've been on both sides...and there have been times where a girl had a crush on me and thought I was hitting on her when I strictly considered her a friend only and never even once thought I was sending mixed signals.

 

18 months is a LONG time to lay the foundation. Player? Don't make me laugh. Unless he's using the global warming method of playing and figures he'll be in the door some time sometime around 2052.

 

Guy is being friendly...nothing more, nothing less. Maybe a little flirty and maybe he knows she likes him so he turns on the charm a bit because he likes the attention...but he wants nothing more than to be friends.

 

This. She has a crush on him and whatever the guy did short of telling her he hated her would be interpreted as stringing her along or playing her or being an attention whore. He even backed off anything flirty for a whole after she said she liked him, that speaks volumes.

 

If he walked by her and farted in the office and said, "Excuse me" she would perceive it as most guys would just pretend they didn't fart, so he must be interested.

 

I am just curious if someone could point out the noticeable difference between someone being personable and friendly at work and being a general close work friend as opposed to being an attention whore and player.

 

I think the only difference is if the other party has a crush on them or not and views them in a sour grapes manner.

[truth_seeker]

This. She has a crush on him and whatever the guy did short of telling her he hated her would be interpreted as stringing her along or playing her or being an attention whore. He even backed off anything flirty for a whole after she said she liked him, that speaks volumes.

 

I think you're off base. Lets look at some of her points:

 

-----

First 6 months of working together

• makes a point of telling me he's single
  
• asks for my personal mobile number 'so he can keep in touch on days he's not in my office' even though we have email and I have a desk phone
  
• texts me outside of work sometimes with things that really could have waited until he saw me the next day
  
• invades my personal space, lots of little touches, compliments my appearance, leans in way too close compared to other coworkers, teases me and pokes gentle fun when I get stressed over something
  
• asks a million questions about my life, my friends, am I seeing anyone, my family, my hobbies and interests
  
• always asks what I've been up to at the weekend and if I mention any guys name he wants to know who they are
  
• coworker friend says she's seen him checking me out when he thinks I'm not looking
  

-----

 

This guy, based on these points, had interest in her. She was his co-worker so he was treading lightly.

 

He backed off when she confessed her feelings because she made it known how much she liked him. Big ball game changer. It goes from him messing with her, to her calling him out on his behavior. Now he has to respond. Come clean or run away? Players run away.

[jobaba]

This. She has a crush on him and whatever the guy did short of telling her he hated her would be interpreted as stringing her along or playing her or being an attention whore. He even backed off anything flirty for a whole after she said she liked him, that speaks volumes.

 

If he walked by her and farted in the office and said, "Excuse me" she would perceive it as most guys would just pretend they didn't fart, so he must be interested.

 

I am just curious if someone could point out the noticeable difference between someone being personable and friendly at work and being a general close work friend as opposed to being an attention whore and player.

 

I think the only difference is if the other party has a crush on them or not and views them in a sour grapes manner.

 

It's possible you are right but from the OP's description he sounds like he wants attention.

 

He flirts with her but doesn't even remember her birthday even though all her co-workers do, when they work solitary together for 18 months?

 

Either way, it's a case by case basis and this one might be vague without more details.

 

My case was more extreme, so I might be projecting a bit.

[truth_seeker]

I am just curious if someone could point out the noticeable difference between someone being personable and friendly at work and being a general close work friend as opposed to being an attention whore and player.

 

Personable/Friendly:

 

Ask how you're doing. What you did over the weekend. Openly discuss their significant other. They do not try to get your contact info to contact you outside of work. Conversations are usually not too intrusive.

 

Attention Whore/Player:

 

Ask how you're doing and ask subtle questions about your dating life. They do not reveal much about their dating life. If they do, they will be quick to dismiss their significant other like their not serious about them. Conversations are more about getting info on you only.

 

Honestly, it comes down to your senses, your gut. You can usually tell who is being genuinely nice and who is out for themselves.

[jobaba]

Personable/Friendly:

 

Ask how you're doing. What you did over the weekend. Openly discuss their significant other. They do not try to get your contact info to contact you outside of work. Conversations are usually not too intrusive.

 

Attention Whore/Player:

 

Ask how you're doing and ask subtle questions about your dating life. They do not reveal much about their dating life. If they do, they will be quick to dismiss their significant other like their not serious about them. Conversations are more about getting info on you only.

 

Honestly, it comes down to your senses, your gut. You can usually tell who is being genuinely nice and who is out for themselves.

 

Genuine Friendly:

After telling her you don't think you could be friends, she insists on remaining friends and says you are one of her closest friends. Regularly plans and makes events to meet up with you.

Attention Seeker:

After defriending her from Facebook in attempt to get over her, she contacts you in a desperate manner and wants to get together. Then, after you agree, she proceeds to completely flake out on you for the meeting that was set up.

 

Straight from the Jobaba book of bad beats.

[Sammy282]

OP here

 

Thanks guys, some food for thought and good points.

 

So in light of that, what do I do/say on his last day? He only works with me and our line manager so there won't be a party or presentation with a bunch of coworkers or anything like that. Whether he meant to act interested or not, I thought he was and bottom line I told him I was interested, he turned me down and we've shared an office fine ever since. I don't want to look desperate or like I'm still trying by getting him any sort of gift, but at the same time it seems rude to just say goodluck, bye, at the end of the day. Or maybe not. I am overthinking it!

[KungFuJoe]

OP here

 

Thanks guys, some food for thought and good points.

 

So in light of that, what do I do/say on his last day? He only works with me and our line manager so there won't be a party or presentation with a bunch of coworkers or anything like that. Whether he meant to act interested or not, I thought he was and bottom line I told him I was interested, he turned me down and we've shared an office fine ever since. I don't want to look desperate or like I'm still trying by getting him any sort of gift, but at the same time it seems rude to just say goodluck, bye, at the end of the day. Or maybe not. I am overthinking it!

 

Say "good luck, bye" at the end of the day.

[maybealone]

I don't want to look desperate or like I'm still trying by getting him any sort of gift, but at the same time it seems rude to just say goodluck, bye, at the end of the day. Or maybe not. I am overthinking it!

 

You could get him a small cake from a bakery so that it comes in a box, with "Good luck" written on it, and then leave it up to him whether he wants to open it up and share it with you or not. Or get the line manager to commit to a time that he/she is available and have a cake for the three of you to eat in the office.