Is It Worth It To Push For Monogamy?

[xxoo]

Well, this board, or places like "Savage Love." He is constantly getting letters from men who say they love their wives, but are at the point of divorce because she just doesn't "excite" him anymore... she doesn't want sex as often, she's gotten fat, she's not as attractive in older age, etc.

 

In those cases, I'd suspect there are more problems than simply monogamy. I'd wonder if the relationships had lost closeness, grown apart, and if they still felt the same love for their wives.

 

Of course, there are men (and women) who are not suited for monogamy. Those individuals could be over-represented here on LS, or on Savage Love, making it seem much more common than it is.

 

The only time I see a guy choose monogamy is when he has a top-of-the-line, never-going-to-do-better soul mate girl

 

Why not hold out for a guy who feels that way about you? I would. I'd rather be single than be with someone who felt less. That's "in love" to me.

[KungFuJoe]

Why not hold out for a guy who feels that way about you? I would. I'd rather be single than be with someone who felt less. That's "in love" to me.

 

Thank you. This is how it should be.

[verhrzn]

Why not hold out for a guy who feels that way about you? I would. I'd rather be single than be with someone who felt less. That's "in love" to me.

 

... Says the married woman. If you knew you were going to be alone forever, waiting for someone who "feels the same way," would you? No kids, no house, no partner, no family?

 

I'd rather be in an imperfect relationship than be single. Isn't that why we tell people to have realistic expectations?

[SteveC80]

Not if both parties are willing.

 

And saying, "what choice do I have?" does not equate to being willing.

 

You have a defeatist attitude. And very very low self esteem. Your personality type is VERY attractive to abusive people, men and women. The reason why YOU have not found monogamy in your relationships is because you are attracting the kind of men who prey on people like you...and these man are those with low esteem themselves. People with low self esteem are more likely to cheat.

 

Start changing how you view yourself and you will be surprised at the type of men you start to attract. REAL men LOVE confident women.

 

I mean its quite possible she has horrible luck and keeps running into the most uncooth unfiltered dirtbags but my guess is some of these guys she just wears down and continues to ask if they are attracted to her and if they think of leaving her and having sex with hotter women and they eventually break

[SteveC80]

...

I'd rather be in an imperfect relationship than be single. Isn't that why we tell people to have realistic expectations?

 

We tell people to have realistic expectations whne they hold out for a perfec tperson or the top 5% of each gender and worry mroe about frivilious things

 

I dont think people saying realistic expectations means being with someone whos not that into you

[SmileFace]

... Says the married woman. If you knew you were going to be alone forever, waiting for someone who "feels the same way," would you? No kids, no house, no partner, no family?

 

I'd rather be in an imperfect relationship than be single. Isn't that why we tell people to have realistic expectations?

 

So will you be ok with him seeing other women?

Will you feel less or jealous?

[KungFuJoe]

... Says the married woman. If you knew you were going to be alone forever, waiting for someone who "feels the same way," would you? No kids, no house, no partner, no family?

 

I'd rather be in an imperfect relationship than be single. Isn't that why we tell people to have realistic expectations?

 

No house? You can't have a house without a MAN to pay for one?

 

That statement alone just told me a whole lot about you.

 

Op,

 

I will leave you alone because there is nothing I can say within the limits of a message board that will make you change how you think.

 

But do NOT go around thinking ALL men are like the men in your life. We are FAR from your reality. Who you let into your life is of YOUR own free will and choice. No one held a gun to your head and said you have to date them. And the men who found you, did so for a reason. They weren't drawn to you by pure chance. They didn't roll a die and your name came up.

 

Everything happens for a reason.

[Woggle]

We tell people to have realistic expectations whne they hold out for a perfec tperson or the top 5% of each gender and worry mroe about frivilious things

 

I dont think people saying realistic expectations means being with someone whos not that into you

 

Exactly. Realistic means something that actually exists in reality amongst everyday people. It doesn't mean being with somebody who wants to be with other people if that is not what you want.

[verhrzn]

No house? You can't have a house without a MAN to pay for one?

 

That statement alone just told me a whole lot about you.

 

Uh, yeah, have you seen the house market?? MOST people can't afford a house on a single income unless they are making very good money. I make about $40,000ish a year.... not enough for a house mortgage.

[SteveC80]

Uh, yeah, have you seen the house market?? MOST people can't afford a house on a single income unless they are making very good money. I make about $40,000ish a year.... not enough for a house mortgage.

 

So live in a damn apartment if youre by yourself who cares

 

Or if things like that are so important to u marry a guy with money so he can bang women on the side since it doesnt bother you and you can have your dream of living on a "house" win win

[verhrzn]

So live in a damn apartment if youre by yourself who cares

 

Or if things like that are so important to u marry a guy with money so he can bang women on the side since it doesnt bother you and you can have your dream of living on a "house" win win

 

Um... I DO live in an apartment. But I want what most people want... a home, a partner, a family, etc.

 

Yeeeeeah, because somehow I can get a man with money.

[ThaWholigan]

And what if you could? What if you could have sex with those other people without hurting your girlfriend?

 

I probably wouldn't, if I really wanted to have sex with other people, I would leave my GF.

 

Wouldn't you?

 

I wouldn't.

 

WHY wouldn't you?

 

Because I want to be a committed partner. To me, that means only having sex with her, and giving her the bulk of me (not all as at least half of me would be committed to my endeavors). I wouldn't want to be in an open relationship, I would rather be single. If I were to consider an open relationship, I would rather both of us be open, like swingers or something. Doesn't matter anyway because I want monogamy. I consider myself able to deal adequately with the temptation of having sex with a woman I shouldn't be having sex with. No matter how sexually aroused I may be by another woman, only my SO would reap the benefits of my arousal. That's just my view on it.

 

See the bolded.

[suladas]

I can't believe someone would be willing to settle so much and sell themselves that short just so they aren't alone. I just got out of a relationship two months ago, ya it sucks being single and lonely but i'm not going to settle just to stay in a relationship. There will be more guys out there, why settle for one who doesn't see such an important thing eye to eye? Settling is ok if maybe they a bit older then your ideal person, maybe don't have exactly the same interests, you know small stuff that isn't a big deal.

 

If you only want to have sex with him, he should feel the same way or you need to find someone else. As a single guy, I would never want to be with someone who wanted to have sex with someone else, or who would let me have sex with someone else, not a chance. If he was committed to you, he would not want sex with anyone but you. I can't speak from experience but i'm sure sex after many years with the same person might get a bit boring but that's something you can work on, and you should always be working on your relationship not just taking the easy way out of finding someone new to have sex with. And how would it help in the long run? If someone is bored of having sex with someone, them being allowed to sleep around isn't going to help, if anything it could make things worse.

 

As far as i'm concerned, the moment you want to have sex with someone else your relationship is done. I'm not talking you think someone else is hot, or if you were single you'd have sex, but you really want to and don't care about your partner.

[verhrzn]

See the bolded.

 

So if you want to have sex with someone else, you'll dump the gf.

 

And if you don't dump her, you'll just use the arousal you feel for someone else on her. Like a tool.

 

And... nobody gets why I don't see these as awesome options?

[somedude81]

Wow, so much insecurity.

 

IMO, you should end the relationship with him right now and look for a guy who is so unappealing that he would never cheat on you because no woman would ever look at him.

[suladas]

So if you want to have sex with someone else, you'll dump the gf.

 

And if you don't dump her, you'll just use the arousal you feel for someone else on her. Like a tool.

 

And... nobody gets why I don't see these as awesome options?

 

Yes if I was in a relationship and wanted to have sex with someone else I would end it, I would never cheat on someone. But then again if you want sex with someone else the relationship is dead anyways.

 

I'm sorry to say but EVERY person will get turned on at one point or another by someone other then the person they are sleeping with. Maybe on tv, or just see someone good looking walk by, it's harmless. It doesn't mean they are attracted to them or want to have sex with them.

[EasyHeart]

And what if you could? What if you could have sex with those other people without hurting your girlfriend? Wouldn't you? WHY wouldn't you?

I'd feel awful because she doesn't love me enough to want us to be monogamous.

 

And I'd probably start looking for a girlfriend who does love me.

[verhrzn]

Yes if I was in a relationship and wanted to have sex with someone else I would end it, I would never cheat on someone. But then again if you want sex with someone else the relationship is dead anyways.

 

I'm sorry to say but EVERY person will get turned on at one point or another by someone other then the person they are sleeping with. Maybe on tv, or just see someone good looking walk by, it's harmless. It doesn't mean they are attracted to them or want to have sex with them.

 

That's a pretty fine line to draw.... "Oh I find that person attractive and hot, but I don't want to have sex with them." What?? Then how can you find them attractive?? Talk about semantics.

 

I'm sorry but you sound very naive. Crushes in long term relationships happen. Infidelity is a very real thing. So, divorce and tearing apart an otherwise good relationship is fine because one partner gave it once to temptation??

 

Why is having sex with other people so awful? You really believe you can say that all open relationships are "dead"?

[Negative Nancy]

The reason I am thinking about this is the guy I am currently dating admitted he found one of his coworkers attractive.

 

 

The horror...

 

I could never get over a comment like that and eventually it would lead to a break up. I speak from experience.

 

I'm saying this as a general statement and not necessarily directed at you, but I'd like to believe that if a man is truly attracted to a woman there will be no such thing as attraction to others. That is how I am wired, at least, so I'm hoping some men would be wired like that too.

 

Or maybe that's just wishful thinking, since we all know men need variety and want to bang any remotely attractive woman...

 

True loyalty from a man? Forget it.

 

So yes, maybe pushing for monogamy is not worth it because monogamy doesn't exist for men.

[suladas]

I'd feel awful because she doesn't love me enough to want us to be monogamous.

 

And I'd probably start looking for a girlfriend who does love me.

 

Agree 100%.

[verhrzn]

I'd feel awful because she doesn't love me enough to want us to be monogamous.

 

And I'd probably start looking for a girlfriend who does love me.

 

What a bizarre leap.... so, because she wants you to be happy by having sex with other people (something you desire), she doesn't love you?? What??

[ThaWholigan]

So if you want to have sex with someone else, you'll dump the gf.

 

And if you don't dump her, you'll just use the arousal you feel for someone else on her. Like a tool.

 

And... nobody gets why I don't see these as awesome options?

No, you misrepresented my words to fit your bogus argument.

 

If I am in a relationship with someone, it's unlikely that I will want to, not will I, have sex with anybody else, except her. Otherwise, it defeats the purpose of being in a relationship with her. If she wanted an open relationship, I would have to seriously think about it because I MYSELF don't know if I would be happy with it. Sometimes you can't help being aroused by other people, but why should I just give into temptation and have sex with another woman, when I have a relationship with somebody I purport to love with my mind, soul AND body?

 

And way to twist my words about arousal from someone else. You can't help that. The healthiest expression of that arousal is with my SO. It's not using her as a tool, nor is it an expression of any wish to have sex with anyone else. It's just arousal, expressed in a manner I feel appropriate. And I doubt my SO would be complaining either . Because, you know, I wouldn't be out f*cking someone else - nor do I want to.

[suladas]

That's a pretty fine line to draw.... "Oh I find that person attractive and hot, but I don't want to have sex with them." What?? Then how can you find them attractive?? Talk about semantics.

 

I'm sorry but you sound very naive. Crushes in long term relationships happen. Infidelity is a very real thing. So, divorce and tearing apart an otherwise good relationship is fine because one partner gave it once to temptation??

 

Why is having sex with other people so awful? You really believe you can say that all open relationships are "dead"?

 

There is a difference between knowing someone is good looking, and being attracted to them. I can say a girl is good looking, but not attractive to me and I don't want to have sex with her if i'm in a relationship. Also the moment i'm in a relationship I look at all other girls much different, as all guys should.

 

I'm not saying open relationships are dead, if both people want them and are happy good for them. But if only one person wants them, it's a heartbreak waiting to happen, and it has to be both ways in my opinion not just one person allowed to sleep around.

[Negative Nancy]

He kept mentioning her in off-handed ways, like "Oh my coworker is so annoying! And she wears these really short skirts!" until I finally went "Uh-huh, you kinda want to bang her don't you?" He said," I have an urge to

 

It keeps getting worse and worse as I read on...

 

If that had been me, that comment would have been the last straw. Either he is dense or a moron or doesn't care - one just doesn't say such things.

 

Or maybe it is good that he said it because at least you know where you're standing...

 

What an idiot, you should dump him before he acts on it and you get hurt (and let's admit it, all your suspicions confirmed).

[suladas]

What a bizarre leap.... so, because she wants you to be happy by having sex with other people (something you desire), she doesn't love you?? What??

 

I believe what he's saying is if your partner is willing to let you be with someone else and share you, they don't care for you that much. I would never share someone i'm with in that way. I would be hurt if my partner mentioned it to me even.