WHAT DOES THIS MEAN AS FAR AS "TIME AND SPACE?" and being ready and being together??

[Kate]

Ok I am so confused. My ex and I were arguing and so he indicated time and space. He was not ready for a relationship to begin with, which is what caused the arguing in the first place. We started seeing eachother once a week with my initiation -- and he told me 2 weeks ago he "wants to work things out and not date anyone else, but needs more time". I trust him with this, and unfortunately I have reworked things in my mind so extensively that I am giving myself a heart attack and making stupid choices.

 

We were scheduled to go away on a trip as he thought it would really help us. I freaked out at the last minute, shifted gears, cancelled the trip and told him that I didn't want to pursue anything further with him at all. He accepted and said he respected my decision.

 

This was almost 2 weeks ago and I am a total mess. I'm sorry I did that, apparently I just needed time and space as well!! I called him once last night, left a message and sent a text. He was at a concert so he didn' get it. I did the same this am -- a message and a text. He called me right when he woke up. I said that I want to talk tonight about what it is that he wants and what I want, NOW, and LATER and that we need a plan to get there. He agreed to do so. so why am i freaking out? I am just a mess because through the whole relationship i have wanted "more" from him, even when he was giving me all he could. I am just like GREENIE!!! He has never begged for me back, but has indicated that he takes me seriously and wanted to work things out.

 

Why do i need instant gratification?? My impatience has not only affected now, but it has affected the WHOLE relationship ,... from the beginning. When he wasn't ready, I pushed him the wrong way and started arguments he didn't understand. I know he wants to be with me, just not as much as I want to be with him.

 

How do i restore the balance? To him, i am terrible erratic. To me, he is nonchalant -- but I know it's that he needs time to himSELF. though he never wanted to lose me. he is terribly secure and confident and it freaks me out. he always knows what he needs and has never played a game with me as far as i know. i have pushed him away with my neediness from the beginning, and i want to stop. what kind of plan should i propose? how do i deal with the fact that we won't be a "couple" but won't be dating anyone else either? i am just not a priority of his at the moment, and i have tried everything -- ignoring him, being perfect to him, giving him ultimatums, breaking it off for good...all for what?? I'll tell you -- i thought he was playing some kind of "wanting waht he can't have" game and i have been proven wrong.

 

as humiliating as it is, i need to be honest with him with the fact that i want him. and even though he wants me but doesn't have the energy right now, i am willing to wait i suppose, but with BOUNDARIES -- otherwise it just won't work out. any suggestions??????? i really want to work things out. how do i make things easier and something he will like?? we are talking tonight at 10pm and i promise to write a follow up. i have let me emotions get the best of me in all of my relationships, so i know that this is not all him. it's a personal problem i have.

 

HELPPP

[eskimokiss]

You need to tell him all that you have said here. No games or patting yourself on the back and no ultamatims. did I spell that right? lol

 

You recognize the issues that you have to work on. Do that! Do it for yourself and the time "waiting for him" will transform into time "making myself better for me". I think that he will respond well to you understanding yourself.

 

Can't you date? In terms of casual good times and distance?

 

Do you go out with your friends often during your week? just curious!

[Kate]

i plan on telling him things straight and having a real heart to heart. i also plan on drawing boundaries that work for both of us, or it's not worth it. if i can't reach a compromise with him, and then later with MYSELF, it's not worth it.

 

i always look at myself first to see what it is i have done in a negative way. i know in my heart that i truly have as much if not more to work on. if he said he wants to work things out, but still needs time to himself, i am ok with that. i just flipped out last week for no reason and shouldn't have. that just proves to him that i acted the way i did in the relationship before we broke up -- totally erratic. but in order for me to stop being like that, i need to have a certain level of committment from him. i can't see him saying "no" to anything that is fair. mostly, though, i think these are problems within myself i need to fix. i think that his timing thing will fall into place. i believe that if he stayed with me, and we kept arguing the way we did over his distance and my insecurity, we would have ruined our relationship. there is still hope. i need to accept and understand his character or get on with myself and find someone who can give me more attention.

 

the thing is, i have a terribly active social life!! i am out all the time, never stay in and mope, always a smile...and the life of the party. but, i have never ever had a hard time getting any man i was interested in -- the problem is that i'm not intersted in many at all!! i can count on one hand guys i have dated. all the others were a few dates and that was it from my end. my ex is special even though he hastn' given me a lot of the things i thought i once needed. i am changing a lot i think...

 

i'll post here tomorrow (hopefully he still shows up tonight) and tell you guys what happened. i think i am blowing things up in my head, making them more important than they really are (including him). i need to figure out why i am so mood swung -- one minute i say one thing, the next i feel the exact opposite. seriously. i may need a mood balancer or something, because i have been like this in almost every relationship -- meaning erratic and emotional (however more of my superficial needs were met).