t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 My ex-boyfriend and I were together for 4 years. We recently broke-up on bad terms because he wants to party with his friends all the time. He thinks the grass is greener on the other side. We still talk almost every single day and he comes over probably twice a week to hang out with me. Everytime I try to talk to him about us and getting back together, he doesn't want to hear it or get's defensive. He still asks me all the time where I'm going who I'm with. So why doesn't he want to get back together? How can I approach him about it without looking desperate? Does he want his cake and eat it too? Please help any advice is great, maybe from the men too....... Do I do the I don't care what you do, don't care if you call, be strong act????? Link to post Share on other sites
Fayebelle Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Seems so. Do you really want to be w/someone who would disrespect you like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Then why does he call me why does he care what I'm doing? I'm so confused, I don't know if he still loves me or not. He is hard to communicate with, I don't want to say something stupid like I love why aren't we together and have that draw him further away. I want him in my life, I don't know if it's becuase we've only been broken up a few weeks. This pain hurts so much. Everytime I want to talk to him about us, I get scared cause I feel like I'm nagging. Should I be blunt and ask are we going to get back together or not? Or should I be strong, not say anything and if were meant to be were meant to be? I get so scared that he's gonna get over me so fast and forget about all the things and time we shared together. He's so blind to what we had, he looks back at all the bad stuff. And the only thing he says he didn't like about the relationship is me bitching and nagging and wanting to talk about my and his feelings. What is wrong with that? Link to post Share on other sites
eskimokiss Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 The only thing is that you need to realize that he already isn't giving you the things you need: 1 - Communication 2 - Companionship 3 - Monogamy - not meaning that he is cheating on you, but that he doesn't want to be committed anymore, he wants to be on the hunt Best advice -- do for you! Treat yourself well, get sleep, exercise and eat well and you will feel better! Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 So basically don't push it!!! See, he just called right now. Just asking what I'm up to what time I get off work. Part of me likes it and part of me is hurting more and more. At times I feel like there's hope and everything will go back to normal and we can be together and another part of me is so mad and I want to go off on him. Like how can he do this? I've done so much for this man. Do Men loose their feelings quickly or do they go through the pain like woman do? At this point I just him back and to forget about this break-up. He calls me for advice, what I would do. I could never be so cold and mean to him. I just can't forget about what he had and what we could have still. So basically the best thing to do if I want him back, is to let him make that decision, don't pressure him? I feel he should know what he wants, if he wants me nothing will keep him away and if he doens't nothing will make him stay!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
eskimokiss Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 I know how you feel. You have to wonder how much you are willing to keep giving though. You need to put the energy into yourself because he will know he can always come back to you, have you to fall back on. I know it hurts to give him the cold shoulder and you don't have to, but you definately need to give yourself borders and not ask questions expecting to get the answer you want to hear as opposed to the truth. Also don't ask questions that you might not like the answers to. ie are you seeing/sleeping with someone new. The risk of hearing an answer that is your worst nightmare, will only hurt more and more. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Why do you want to be with this guy who only causes you pain? Link to post Share on other sites
dasani08810 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Wow, what a freak. It seems that he wants to have a good time AND keep tabs on you. Well, can't have it both ways ya know. I would suggest being a bit mysterious with him. If he asks where you are going, just be polite and tell him you're hangin with some people he doesn't know. Blah blah blah. If the guy dumps you, he has no right to request a damn thing from you. You don't have to be mean about it, just be ever so polite and tell him you're busy. This guy sounds like he'd go nuts very easily. Maybe he needs a little wake up call????? Ya think? Jeeeeezzzzzzzzeeeeee, what the hell do these types expect. "I don't want you anymore; but you can't want anyone else" Ahhhhhhhhh F' OFF Dude!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Cause I look back on the good times and I see past all the petty things we argued about. When we do plan to hang out he's like well we can hang out for a few hours, while his friends get all his time and other days he'll stay the night. What's up with that? I think that he does act this way cause he knows I would never hurt him and that I will always be there for him. And he's taking advantage of that and definatley taking it for granted. I just want him to come crawling back. He always calls me I don't call him that much, when I know he's out with his boys' I don't call, like eskimokiss said I really don't want to know what he's doing cause it might be painful. I just started going out with friends and going to clubs, bars. But I'm past all that I don't want to go party all the time. I want to be with my man and do all things we talked about doing, kids, house, marriage. Is it that easy for men to move on? Or do they realize what they had later down the road when it may be too late.But you guys, I do want him back. I love the times we had. So do I not mention anything to him about getting back together? Does the no contact thing really work? He know's that I will always be there for him, so sometimes I feel that he thinks he can get away with things. But it's not like that, when I'm hurt there is a lot he must do to prove his love. But not anymore one day he loves and one day he doesn't. I'm so used to us and what we had, I feel like it's the only thing I know. I can't imagine myself with another man. I only want him. How do I get him back to the way we were???? Let him figure it out on his own? Or express how I feel and hope he feels the same way still???? I know he loves me we were together for 4 years, and he never ws the cheating type. Also he is an alcoholic and was sober for 2 1/2 years, now he drinks all the time. I get so worried about him. He just has not gotten all his partying out of the way. I want to settle down. I thought that's what he wanted when he put a ring on my finger and talked about kids. That's why it hurts so much. I wanted to be with him the rest of my life and I thought the same back. Now all of a sudden, my world's turned upside down and I don't know how to handle or deal with things.......What next????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 Your right "Dasani", playing hard to get may be the best thing or it may be the worst. He doesn't need to know where I'm at or who I'm with and I don't ever give him that many details. I feel like my pride is shot. I did soooooo much for this man and was always there to talk with him when things got bad in his life. I never pre-judged anything. He was my dream man everything I wanted and I thought I was everything he wanted. He friends never respected that he had a relationship and was committed, nor did they care that he was an alcoholic and trying to stay sober day by day. Now those same so called friends are the one's he's partying with. They couldn't care less about the way he acts or what he does when he's drunk. To me it's very scary. I just want him to know what he missed out on. He's has already been complaining to me about how his friends take advantage of him when he's drinking. One day he wants to be an honorable man who's about his business and the next he's in a whole bunch of mess. We shared a lot of things together things he will never share with another woman and things I'll never share with another man, a lot of first's for us. I'm a very strong woman but when it comes to him I'm so weak.... I want him back.... Link to post Share on other sites
dasani08810 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 "I want him back...." And as long as he KNOWS that; he'll keep treating you that way. Time for "hello Mr. Arrogant, this is the front desk with your wake-up call!! " LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Bubbles Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Sounds like some-one has some pretty serious COMMITTMENT issues! You said it yourself. He was an alcoholic for 2 1/2 years and quit but now he's partying and drinking all the time. He can't even stay committed and do the right thing for himself.......how's he going to comitt to anything with you? Some people just dream "in colour" all day...........meaning.........he said all the things that he knew you wanted to hear and when it really comes down to it that's not what he wants - it's called "pillow talk" ( promises made after having sex). He wants you to be in his life accepting his every whim and not nagging at him to at least "control" his own behavior. Yes, I beleive that he wants his cake and eat it too. Since I am a betting woman....I'll bet............you two are still having sex..... are'nt you? Honestly, I can tell that you care deeply for this guy but what about your SELF RESPECT what about what you want? I know you say that you want things, but you want them with a guy who does'nt want that with you. What you want in your life is not out of the ordinary but let me warn you...........many people have been 'guilted" or 'persuaded" to make changes in their lives (unwillingly) and it has NOT had a happy ending. Thus the Married, Separation and Divorce area on Loveshack. Good luck Honey.....you will need it! Remeber this: "You are; (I am) a good woman to be had...........Not Used!" - my personnal motto! Bubbles Link to post Share on other sites
eskimokiss Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Listen darlin'. First you need to stop thinking of what you can do to get him back. You will have good times with someone else. The bars may not be your thing but your friends are your best distraction and the pain will fade. You can't encourage this yo yo crap. Distance is key. The truth is that men like the one you describe (I use the term very loosely) for the most part, do not think like us and they do bounce back faster, if they get dented at all. It is just the way it is. You are an educated woman from what I can tell and you are asking these questions, like I said earlier, that you hope will bring you the answer you want to hear, but... they wont. What can I do to get him back... you are hoping the the other members have a how to they can spell out for you, but no one does. You are wondering aimlessly. I say aimless because wishing for what you HAD will never get you what you want to HAVE! You need to focus and remember: 1 - You are beautiful 2 - You are committed 3 - You are smart 4 - You know how to communicate 5 - You are capable of giving and recieving love 6 - You can have fun 7 - Your friends are just as important when you are in a relationship as when you are single Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Honey, you are in love with a dream. This dreamguy doesn't exist now, and I am not sure if he ever existed. I know what you mean because I once had a great relationship for 6 months before my bf started acted flaky and we kept breaking up and getting back together. He always knew I would take him back. It took me THREE YEARS to figure out my "dreamguy" was just an illusion. The good times you had with your bf are just an illusion. Don't try to play any games to get him back. They will work, but you'll still be stuck with a guy who thinks of you last instead of first. You should spend your time thinking about what you want in your next guy, join an online dating site and go out with your friends looking for guys. Enjoy your single life! (Just like he is) Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 22, 2004 Author Share Posted July 22, 2004 I can't say it enough, Thank-you, Thank-you, Thank-you. It's so different when you hear it from someone on the outside. Bubbles, Dasani and HoldOn Thank-you for the words of wisdom. I know and I deserve to be the #1 person in the life of the #1 person in mine. I have to kiss a few frogs before I find my prince. Thank-you all for the support, it really helps a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Yay! Girl! You can do it. I guarantee you will feel so much better after you: 1.) Stop talking to this guy. and 2.) Get hit on by some hottie in a bar! Stay strong... Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Also, please remember that YOU CANNOT CHANGE A MAN. He will never "get over his party stage." This is his personality. When you are 40 and trying to raise his kids, he'll still be staying out until all hours of the night with his friends. Do you want this?? Link to post Share on other sites
jw32802 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 What? thats so untrue! everyone has phases. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 ok, you are right some people have phases, but generally they don't change. This guy is an alcoholic (if I read correctly) and they don't change. Link to post Share on other sites
dasani08810 Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Hold on; Really? Is that really true? I'm asking a real question here and not being sarcastic in the least. But, I played in touring night club bands for 12 years. We did shows with Warrant, Bad Company, etc etc. I partied 5 nights a week during all those years. Now, I do like to go see a band that I like every now and then; but, I don't hang in bars and I "party" about once or twice a month these days. These days, that whole scene kinda turns me off. Is that odd to you? BTW, I'm 42 and quit the band scene when I was 32. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 22, 2004 Share Posted July 22, 2004 Alright, I think I am being misunderstood. It's not the partying per se, that I am talking about. I am saying that his personality and his habit of treating her like s*** are not going to change. He is never going to be the person she wants him to be. In fact, they broke up in the first place because she was nagging him, probably about him being a jerk. What? Do you guys think that he is going to suddenly realize that he's a punk and change his ways??? Not likely. Link to post Share on other sites
Author t866 Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 Sometimes I think it takes people falling flat on their face to change their ways. That's a sad thing that people have to hit rock bottom in-order to change. But people do change and I've seen it with my Dad, he was a bad alcoholic, that's why my mom left him and now he has been sober for over 15 years has a new life with his family (my step-mom, their kids) He is more happier now then he ever has been. My ex is like a diamond in the rough, he has so much potential. Don't get me wrong he is a great guy, has great morals, beliefs, sense of humor. I feel like he is 25 going on 17!!!! But no one can change him he has to do it himself and stick with it. Cause he has changed in the past, but for some reason he thinks the grass is greener on the to other side. Cause he sees his friends going out all the time and drinking, well that's because they aren't in a committed relationship. I don't care if every so often he wants to go out with his friends. But none of them respected that he was in a committed relationship for 4 years. My girlfriends respected that and there were certain boundaries they didn't cross. I think that my ex never had a normal childhood or even teenage years, so he is trying to make up for it now. He is an awesome guy but just makes bad decisions sometimes. Link to post Share on other sites
HoldOn Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Hmmm. Your father was an alcoholic and now you're in love with a serious drinker, if not perhaps an alcoholic himself. Do you see a pattern here? Look, I can't tell you what to do. But I will tell you that if you stop seeing your ex, you will be much happier. I know it's hard because you feel so attached. But realize that he is no prince charming. 1.) He comes over only when HE feels like it. 2.) He stays only as long as HE feels like it. 3.) His friends come before you. 4.) His drinking comes before you. 5.) He expects you not to go out with anyone, but he is free to go out with whoever. 6.) "Everytime I try to talk to him about us and getting back together, he doesn't want to hear it or get's defensive. " 7.) "I don't know if he still loves me or not." ---A good man makes you feel secure, not insecure. 8.) "And the only thing he says he didn't like about the relationship is me bitching and nagging and wanting to talk about my and his feelings. What is wrong with that?" ----In a good relationship, you don't have to nag. 9.) " I've done so much for this man. " ---And what has he done for you? If I were you, I would stop answering the phone and move on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts