Mediation tomorrow

[BetrayedH]

Could use some positive thoughts sent my way. Amazing to think that this whole damn thing may be concluded less than 24 hours from now. Thought my friends here might like to know. Will update as I am able.

[freestyle]

Could use some positive thoughts sent my way. Amazing to think that this whole damn thing may be concluded less than 24 hours from now. Thought my friends here might like to know. Will update as I am able.

 

 

Sending you good thoughts, definitely.

 

Hopefully things will go swiftly, and as amicably as possible.

 

Is this about finalizing a divorce, or a custody arrangement? (sorry I don't recall all of the details of your backstory)

[carhill]

Hey, good luck. During our D I had suggested the resource a number of times but it finally took the court clerk's input to get my exW to agree to it. Easiest part of the whole divorce for us. I think, from the day we went to mediation to the 'divorce ends on xxx' seal on the judgement, took less than a month. If both parties are willing to make it work, mediation is a great way to resolve things and move forward.

[BetrayedH]

Sending you good thoughts, definitely.

 

Hopefully things will go swiftly, and as amicably as possible.

 

Is this about finalizing a divorce, or a custody arrangement? (sorry I don't recall all of the details of your backstory)

 

It's basically everything wrapped into one. Divorce, parenting schedule, custody, assets, liabilities, child support, you name it. Both sides trying to get it all into one document to sign on the same day. The damn mediator is $250/hr. not sure what steps make it "final" but the idea is to finish the agreement tomorrow unless we simply cannot agree (then it goes to court).

 

Wife's proposals so far are crazy. Primary custody and 70% physical custody, keeping more than half of the assets, going after an inheritance I will receive in about a month (we've been separated since December and she filed in February), etc.. Going to be a long day of saying, um, no. Mostly just a stupid negotiating game. I just want even custody and an even split of assets/liabilities. I won't accept less. It's that simple. How many $250 hours we waste getting there is up to her. Her infidelity won't be much of a factor but I doubt she will want a public airing of her dirty laundry in court so perhaps that will motivate her to settle down. Not so far.

[carhill]

Don't know about your location but our court recommended a local law school which provided the services for free. Our mediator was a 3L whose father is a divorce attorney and who wanted to open a full-time mediation upon completion of his JD. Great kid. Since our mediation was easy we talked a bit about his other mediation experiences and he recited some more typical of what you're posting about. So, what you're facing is normal.

 

As far as cost, my lawyer bills at 350/hr, so I would have seen paid mediation as a cheap alternative. For us, it being free was just a bonus. The 3L prepared the MSA, I ran it past my lawyer and my exW and I went down and filed everything together, requested judgment by mail and the clerk filed the documents while we were at the court and we had our judgment two days later. Done.

[frozensprouts]

i hope it goes well for you and that she will find the grace to come to some reasonable decisions.

[GLDheart]

Could use some positive thoughts...

 

I have but one: Karma.

[Steen719]

Good luck and I hope it isn't too unpleasant, although given her requests, I'm not sure how it could not be.

 

I think you have been more than fair about her infidelity non-disclosure. Given the nature of her infidelity, I would certainly use it to apply pressure to obtain a fair settlement. You are not asking for anything other than what is fair and I know that in Florida (and almost-every-freaking-where-else), infidelity doesn't really count about support, etc., but I am not so sure that it wouldn't in the custody part. Again, given the nature of her infidelity, this might count and if she has not told her attorney all of the details, it could be an ace in the hole for you and help you reach a fair settlement. I know it may feel vengeful, but she sure wasn't thinking of you when she did what she did to you and if she were being reasonable, the infidelity would not be an issue in the settlement.

 

UGH - Not going to be good no matter what. One of the saddest days of my life was when we signed the divorce agreement and had it notarized. Of all of the choices, it was the only one that I felt I could live with, but the living with it was so damn hard for a while.

 

Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.

[BetrayedH]

Oh, not to worry, both of our attorneys are there, too, so they also get paid.

 

Our state appears to have a set list of approved mediators and a set fee schedule.

 

Would have been nice if we could have done a lot of our own settling but we have only been amicable about the kids and that is all by email/text. Otherwise we really haven't spoken in 9 months. Her proposals are so far off the mark, it's just made the whole conversation a non-starter. Tomorrow is starts anyway.

[BetrayedH]

Good luck and I hope it isn't too unpleasant, although given her requests, I'm not sure how it could not be.

 

I think you have been more than fair about her infidelity non-disclosure. Given the nature of her infidelity, I would certainly use it to apply pressure to obtain a fair settlement. You are not asking for anything other than what is fair and I know that in Florida (and almost-every-freaking-where-else), infidelity doesn't really count about support, etc., but I am not so sure that it wouldn't in the custody part. Again, given the nature of her infidelity, this might count and if she has not told her attorney all of the details, it could be an ace in the hole for you and help you reach a fair settlement. I know it may feel vengeful, but she sure wasn't thinking of you when she did what she did to you and if she were being reasonable, the infidelity would not be an issue in the settlement.

 

UGH - Not going to be good no matter what. One of the saddest days of my life was when we signed the divorce agreement and had it notarized. Of all of the choices, it was the only one that I felt I could live with, but the living with it was so damn hard for a while.

 

Good luck. I hope it goes well for you.

 

Thanks Steen. It's good to hear from you (someone who made it to the other side of this). I have lot of theories about how it will play out but tomorrow I will see first hand. All I know is that it will either be fair or I won't be signing anything.

[ghgh750]

She cheated on you for more than a year and now she wants primary custody and more than half of the assets?!?!! Be nice to her and try to reason with her.

 

Who earns more money in the relationship btw?

[sad puppy]

It's my understanding she is not entitled to any of your inheritance, I think that's pretty standard. Check with your lawyer, that definitely should be off the table altogether.

[96nole]

Thanks Steen. It's good to hear from you (someone who made it to the other side of this). I have lot of theories about how it will play out but tomorrow I will see first hand. All I know is that it will either be fair or I won't be signing anything.

 

It will probably be a long day. It will definitely be hard. Mine was 9 hours long. I fought that long just to get to even. It also didn't help that my stupid ex had a lawyer that wasn't a divorce lawyer and didn't know what he was doing. I had to fight a bit because she was trying to screw me out of my share of the 401k. Also, I put in the divorce papers about her cheating and spending money on the dirtbag. She wanted that removed or amended by me clearing her of those actions. Sorry, not going to happen. Plus my lawyer wasn't going to allow it because she feared that it might open me up to perjury since the divorce papers are a legal document.

 

Definitely stick to your guns for what you really want. Don't spend too much time over objects that can be repurchased. Remember, you're paying the mediator and your lawyer per hour. It may be cheaper to let her have something than pay about $500 (I'm guessing between the mediator and your lawyer) an hour. If you sign tomorrow, you are stuck with it. So don't be afraid to walk away if it's not to your liking.

 

I'm in Florida also. I don't know if her infidelity has any bearing on the child custody. My lawyer told me that infidelity can be taking into consideration by the judge if alimony is being asked for. If your STBXW is asking for alimony the judge could take that into consideration whether he'll grant it or not. But he doesn't have to take it into consideration.

 

I hope you have a good family law lawyer and not someone dabbling in family law. Best of luck to you. I don't envy you what you're having to do. But this part of the crap is almost over.

[carhill]

It's my understanding she is not entitled to any of your inheritance, I think that's pretty standard. Check with your lawyer, that definitely should be off the table altogether.

After the clock starts upon filing of the divorce lawsuit, generally correct. Prior to divorce filing, more cloudy, dependent upon how the inheritance was received and utilized while M relevant to the laws of the jurisdiction. As an example, transmuting or co-mingling part of an inheritance could open the door to successful claims upon that part or the entirety as marital property.

 

I dealt with some of this due to operation of law regarding a trust I petitioned the court to become trustee of, and receiving property of the trust while in the divorce process. We had to be careful about how we went about it and to fully disclose the process within the divorce. The value of the property necessitated such care.

 

If the OP indeed is yet to constructively receive the inheritance, claims upon it by his spouse are likely to be dismissed, but making the claims and addressing them does chew up legal fees and/or court time, so there can be a cost attached.

 

The value IMO of a skilled mediator is in their ability to facilitate synergistic compromise. Exploring the 'what if's'. IMO, no one really 'wins' but it is possible to minimize the losses in a successful mediation.

[BetrayedH]

She cheated on you for more than a year and now she wants primary custody and more than half of the assets?!?!! Be nice to her and try to reason with her.

 

Who earns more money in the relationship btw?

 

We made even money until a few months before Dday when my company restructured. I have made about a third less than her for almost 2 years now. She has more income and more of the assets in her name so I think she is trying for custody so I will have to pay support (otherwise she is likely to be paying me). It's not going to work. But there's a lot of math to be done with various marital accounts in individual names, kids' health insurance coming out of her paycheck, etc.. Think it's mostly that the attorneys are asking for everything and expecting to negotiate to the middle but it's difficult not to take things like the inheritance personally (my grandmother would have a cow - they hated each other) but I agree that it's likely to be dismissed. Should make for an interesting day.

[seren]

Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope it all goes well, whatever happens you will have closure and know that you have done the best you can.

 

Wishing you all the luck in the world, just go say it as it is.

Much love Seren xx

[BetrayedH]

It will probably be a long day. It will definitely be hard. Mine was 9 hours long. I fought that long just to get to even. It also didn't help that my stupid ex had a lawyer that wasn't a divorce lawyer and didn't know what he was doing. I had to fight a bit because she was trying to screw me out of my share of the 401k. Also, I put in the divorce papers about her cheating and spending money on the dirtbag. She wanted that removed or amended by me clearing her of those actions. Sorry, not going to happen. Plus my lawyer wasn't going to allow it because she feared that it might open me up to perjury since the divorce papers are a legal document.

 

Definitely stick to your guns for what you really want. Don't spend too much time over objects that can be repurchased. Remember, you're paying the mediator and your lawyer per hour. It may be cheaper to let her have something than pay about $500 (I'm guessing between the mediator and your lawyer) an hour. If you sign tomorrow, you are stuck with it. So don't be afraid to walk away if it's not to your liking.

 

I'm in Florida also. I don't know if her infidelity has any bearing on the child custody. My lawyer told me that infidelity can be taking into consideration by the judge if alimony is being asked for. If your STBXW is asking for alimony the judge could take that into consideration whether he'll grant it or not. But he doesn't have to take it into consideration.

 

I hope you have a good family law lawyer and not someone dabbling in family law. Best of luck to you. I don't envy you what you're having to do. But this part of the crap is almost over.

 

Appreciate the insight.

[BetrayedH]

Sending positive thoughts your way. I hope it all goes well, whatever happens you will have closure and know that you have done the best you can.

 

Wishing you all the luck in the world, just go say it as it is.

Much love Seren xx

 

Thanks Seren. Very kind of you.

[Artie Lang]

if i remember correctly, you spoke of an "ace" you still had up your sleeve.

 

if she plays hardball, i suggest you use it.

 

i suggest you take a copy of her "hotwife" blog just in case.

 

 

to be honest, this most certainly doesn't sound like the woman who wanted to reconcile with you last year. it seems like she was just biding her time.

 

 

good luck.

[Steen719]

if i remember correctly, you spoke of an "ace" you still had up your sleeve.

 

if she plays hardball, i suggest you use it.

 

i suggest you take a copy of her "hotwife" blog just in case.

 

 

to be honest, this most certainly doesn't sound like the woman who wanted to reconcile with you last year. it seems like she was just biding her time.

 

 

good luck.

 

^^^^

This is exactly what I meant. Not actually that the judge would take into account infidelity with child custody, but because of what she did (rather publicly with a blog), he could use it to apply some pressure on her.

 

Let us hear from you, BH and hang in there.

[BetrayedH]

if i remember correctly, you spoke of an "ace" you still had up your sleeve.

 

if she plays hardball, i suggest you use it.

 

i suggest you take a copy of her "hotwife" blog just in case.

 

 

to be honest, this most certainly doesn't sound like the woman who wanted to reconcile with you last year. it seems like she was just biding her time.

 

 

good luck.

 

You know, I actually think the reconciliation was 'legit' on her part (at least in her mind). She went thru a lot of crap for those months. Other than refusing to talk about or lying over the really vile parts of what she had done, she was doing her part to reconcile. I think she just decided she could never and would never tell me certain things that were just too "painful" (aka embarassing). I think she really underestimated how powerful hypervigilance can be.

 

Even now, I get the impression that she just thinks I could really have her over a barrel; she's at a big disadvantage and is just doing whatever her atty says to protect her from getting too deep.

 

As for the blog, it amazes me how that was her downfall. Seeing she had been to the site via internet history was what prompted me to buy the GPS. She said she liked to read there (compared it to me viewing porn). It caused our Dday. Seven months later, finding she had posted there caused our separation/divorce. We'll see if it gets to be played again. Her choice really. I won't hesitate to use it if the time is right. I bet that's the one thing she regrets the most.

[BetrayedH]

^^^^

This is exactly what I meant. Not actually that the judge would take into account infidelity with child custody, but because of what she did (rather publicly with a blog), he could use it to apply some pressure on her.

 

Let us hear from you, BH and hang in there.

 

It's interesting that while Florida is considered no fault, the law specifically permits judges to consider infidelity when determining custody or alimony. The blog mentions that the kids were asleep in their rooms while she had sex with the OM on the couch; if my 6 yo daughter had opened her door, she would have seen them. That said, remember that I had my own brief "balance" affair. Even though I had permission from my wife, when you combine that with my domestic violence arrest (which I got dismissed), I suspect it's a wash in the eyes of the court. We'll land at 50/50. That's why it is frustrating that she and her atty keep going as if it's all guns blazing. It's been a waste of time when we should have just been focused on 50/50. And today is just a mediator that won't care about any of that; it's his job to reach a settlement.

 

Anyway, 30 mins and counting. Catch up later.

[NotCamelot]

I wish you the best today. Be strong and try your best NOT to be emotional. (And, in most states, inheritance can't be touched.)

 

It's only mediation....not a court in the truest sense.....binding IF you agree to it....otherwise it's off to a judge.....

 

So, be strong and don't give in on anything that's important to you.

[Owl]

Best of luck to you today, man. Good thoughts and vibes going out for you.

[beenburned]

BH,

 

How did mediation go?

 

My grown D has been separated for a year and a half because her STBXH would not compromise on anything!

 

He had 2 different OW and had been cheating over half of their marriage. When both of the OW found out about each other they were furious!!

 

They both called my D and provided all the evidence she needed for a divorce based on adultery. He also spent lots of marital money on them.

He bought them each a car, jewelry, one a beach timeshare condo, and spent lots of money on their dates.

 

D got fed up with his delay tactics and took him to court! After all evidence was presented the judge ripped him a new one!

 

She got primary custody, child support, alimony, and her lawyer fees paid. She later will also get half of his 401K and pension, and half of all the marital money he spent on the OW back. In the year and a half they have been separated he cashed out his 401K and spent it all! He also had NOT been paying child support during their separation!

 

D is doing fine and is happy. Not only has she always worked full time, but had been going to college at night. She will graduate this December!

 

When word got around that she was divorcing, lots of her old friends and BFs called her up to ask her out on a date! She politely turned them all down, and told them she wanted to wait until her divorce was finalized!

 

Wishing you the best of luck in your divorce!