Mediation tomorrow

[BetrayedH]

One little side story...

 

I was running a few minutes late to get the kids since mediation ran late so I called my old next door neighbors to pick them up. they told me that my lovely wife has a new gentleman friend and he comes over at night after the kids are asleep. Apparently, doing it during the 3-4 nights I have the kids is just not enough. I completely don't care that she has another man. But when the kids are asleep in the other room? Again? What the hell is the matter with people?

 

Nice thing to find out 15 mins after you sign divorce papers. Good thing for her it wasn't before. I might have gone for full custody. Thank God that I'm at least outta there. Sheesh.

[NotCamelot]

One little side story...

 

I was running a few minutes late to get the kids since mediation ran late so I called my old next door neighbors to pick them up. they told me that my lovely wife has a new gentleman friend and he comes over at night after the kids are asleep. Apparently, doing it during the 3-4 nights I have the kids is just not enough. I completely don't care that she has another man. But when the kids are asleep in the other room? Again? What the hell is the matter with people?

 

Nice thing to find out 15 mins after you sign divorce papers. Good thing for her it wasn't before. I might have gone for full custody. Thank God that I'm at least outta there. Sheesh.

 

 

Now......aren't you glad to be rid of her??? I'm sure there is still pain, but now that you know how she really is........

[BetrayedH]

Happy for you

I gotta say for a guy with such a painfull story you seem to be very well grounded, I tend to read your posts cause they seem well thought out ( even if I don't always agree) best wishes on your new life.

 

Much appreciated. Hopefully I can emulate your ability to disagree agreeably. I'm going to try to remember this post when I find myself being disagreeable.

[BetrayedH]

Brilliant BH, I had no doubt that you would guarantee your right to continue being the dad and role model in your children's lives. Not only did you win so have your beautiful children.

 

Cheers my friend, to you and your future.

 

Thanks Furious. Coming from someone that seems to be like-minded, it's good to hear validation that my head was still on straight. With all the drama from my own failed reconciliation, I hope you know that I'm still rooting for yours.

[BetrayedH]

I'm glad it worked out.

 

I would take notes (dates/times) on her recent extra curricular activities in case you need to get full custody. Be prepared.

 

If this guy spends the night, there's no telling what he is capable of doing while your wife is asleep (and possibly drunk). Like going into your kids' rooms.

 

Don't be passive about this. Can't you put something in the agreement about her not having guys over?

 

The agreement was signed yesterday. I am still mulling over what steps I will take, if any. I'm not in a hurry to "out" my neighbors as they are supportive but still have to live next door to my STBX and they have two kids that play with my two kids. I don't want to do my own surveillance and I don't want to ask them to do regular report outs either. The fact is that she is going to do what she is going to do and I cannot control her. If they see anything out of sorts, I'm sure they'll tell me and I'd like for them to feel comfortable continuing to do so for the foreseeable future.

 

Perhaps it's time for another child molestation chat with the kids, though. Studies show that the kids are more apt to tell if they have had those conversations prior. I did it once with my 10 yo last year but haven't done it with my 6 yo daughter. Hmm. Still processing but I hear your concerns and I don't put anything past anyone these days.

[BetrayedH]

Now......aren't you glad to be rid of her??? I'm sure there is still pain, but now that you know how she really is........

 

Oh, I think I've been pretty well past the pain of losing her phase for quite some time now. Keeping me from my kids and then trying to get more than 50/50 custody was plenty to seal that deal. Still shocks me that I saw nothing of this for 18 years. That's a long time to miss out on someone's character being capable of this kind of stuff. Makes me wonder if we don't somehow project our own moral and ethical values onto the person we love even when they don't have them. All an unethical person needs to do is say, "Yep, I think the same way" and we buy into it very easily. Taking advantage of someone's good nature is pretty much on the top of the list of offensive behaviors to me now. It's not a mistake; it's a calculated deception and used to manipulate another person. If that's not "evil," I don't know what is.

[beenburned]

BH,

 

So glad to hear such a good outcome, especially for the kids!

 

My D and her child are happily adjusting to their new life!(story on page 2 of this thread)

[Balzac]

Alimony works as taxable to recipient and tax deduct for him if he meets IRS guideline rules. Her "smart" attorney would have searched out a hook to entice him to sign the agreement.

 

The math worked. He got an acceptable perk to waive alimony.

[BetrayedH]

"New" as in not the guy she cheated on you with? Or just "new" to the neighbors?

 

Not the same guy - doesn't fit the description.

[BetrayedH]

By the way, did your ex's lawyer remember to include a confidentiality agreement prohibiting you from disseminating her hotwife blog post?

 

If not....you still have leverage.

 

Nope. No confidentiality agreement. I may never use it but it's nice to know I can share it with whomever. I'll talk with my attorney about options on the use of the home. I should have stipulated something but...hindsight.

[BetrayedH]

BH,

 

How did mediation go?

 

My grown D has been separated for a year and a half because her STBXH would not compromise on anything!

 

He had 2 different OW and had been cheating over half of their marriage. When both of the OW found out about each other they were furious!!

 

They both called my D and provided all the evidence she needed for a divorce based on adultery. He also spent lots of marital money on them.

He bought them each a car, jewelry, one a beach timeshare condo, and spent lots of money on their dates.

 

D got fed up with his delay tactics and took him to court! After all evidence was presented the judge ripped him a new one!

 

She got primary custody, child support, alimony, and her lawyer fees paid. She later will also get half of his 401K and pension, and half of all the marital money he spent on the OW back. In the year and a half they have been separated he cashed out his 401K and spent it all! He also had NOT been paying child support during their separation!

 

D is doing fine and is happy. Not only has she always worked full time, but had been going to college at night. She will graduate this December!

 

When word got around that she was divorcing, lots of her old friends and BFs called her up to ask her out on a date! She politely turned them all down, and told them she wanted to wait until her divorce was finalized!

 

Wishing you the best of luck in your divorce!

 

BB, your DD's story is one of my favorites. Poetic justice. Glad she is doing well. I didn't get as much "justice" but I think it's extraordinarily rare that the BS does. It's categorically unfair to the BS from the start and stays that way. Your DD's husband really stepped in it. What an idiot.

[BetrayedH]

Hey.

 

This is tough stuff, even when it is a very good step in moving onto better times.

 

Youre a good man. You did your best. You have been sincere. You are, I can tell, a remarkable father. The kind of father that can make a huge difference in childrens lives whether they are with you all the time or not. The kind of dad who will set an example that will serve them well ...you take the high road , not the easy road.

 

So, regardless of todays outcome...youve got the important stuff already.

I really wish you the best.

 

Thanks for this. My continued (albeit modified) role as a father has been refocused as a result of all of this. I was a good father before and now I am intensely focused on being the best possible example to them. I will be that remarkable father and it's going to serve them quite well, regardless of what my nutbag STBXW does.

[drifter777]

Easy for me to say, but maybe try to stop looking behind you regarding the settlement. At least for a few months. You were satisfied with the agreement when you made the deal and you are probably better off to just accept that she is moving on and so are you. In other words, screw her and the horse she rode in on. She doesn't deserve any more of your emotional energy - keep reminding yourself of this.

[Ninja'sHusband]

signed a marital settlement agreement today. Took about 8 hours and we didn't get to 50/50 custody until about 5 hours in. Some parts got interesting as her attorney threatened to attack me in court on my moral character (a bluff which i called). Feel pretty good about it. Became clear that alimony would have taken a court battle (plus another $7500 or so just for a chance at it for a few years) so i agreed to 50/50 on kids and assets/liabilities with a couple hundred bucks a month coming my way for child supoort because of the disparity in income. Little painful for me not getting everything to which i could have been entitled but painful for her, too (as i suppose any good negotiation will go).

 

I do want to say how grateful i am for the support i have received here over the last 18 months. What a ride. Second life begins today.

 

**yes!!!**

 

:):)

 

 

This is a huge win for you and YOUR KIDS!

Edited September 14, 2012 by Ninja'sHusband

[BetrayedH]

Easy for me to say, but maybe try to stop looking behind you regarding the settlement. At least for a few months. You were satisfied with the agreement when you made the deal and you are probably better off to just accept that she is moving on and so are you. In other words, screw her and the horse she rode in on. She doesn't deserve any more of your emotional energy - keep reminding yourself of this.

 

I fundamentally agree with this. Honestly, it's a relief not having to make every freakin' decision in my life based on how it will appear in divorce court. 9 months of that was enough. I am embracing putting it behind me. Some mystery dude banging my kids' mom while they are asleep is bothersome but she was doing it before and she will obviously keep it up. Hopefully karma is paying attention.

[BetrayedH]

**yes!!!**

 

:):)

 

 

This is a huge win for you and YOUR KIDS!

 

Thanks NH. I hope your process goes well for you. You had a similar story with a valiant but failed effort at reconciliation. As I recall, you were in mediation somewhat recently but I don't think you're done yet, right?

 

By the way, props to Owl, Spark and Balzac for the support yesterday, too. I think everyone's messages gave me a bit of a confidence boost such that the day wasn't really bothersome at all. What a bonus.

[2sure]

Reading the experiences of the men and dads here has really turned a lightbulb on for me...I know it sounds awful, but I had some assumptions that absolutely should not have been general. Not worth going into.

It's been really really helpful to me in my own recovery from infidelity and divorce. Makes me think "Maybe", you know?

[beenburned]

BH,

 

This was my D's second marriage.

 

Her first marriage was to her high school sweetheart. He left her after only one year of marriage for an OW.(he also left her with all the bills)

 

He married the OW and had 2 kids with her. She just left him for an OM, and also left both kids with him.

 

I'm glad we still live in one of the 13 states here in the US that is a fault state!

At least the BS can recoup some of their losses associated with the adultery!

[BetrayedH]

BH,

 

This was my D's second marriage.

 

Her first marriage was to her high school sweetheart. He left her after only one year of marriage for an OW.(he also left her with all the bills)

 

He married the OW and had 2 kids with her. She just left him for an OM, and also left both kids with him.

 

I'm glad we still live in one of the 13 states here in the US that is a fault state!

At least the BS can recoup some of their losses associated with the adultery!

 

Yeah, I was pretty disappointed to find out that in Florida, nobody really gives a crap. You can sue someone over $.50 lost in a vending machine but apparently willfully breaking a 12 year agreement that involves the other party's entire life and a lifelong commitment to children is not fraud in any way. Go figure. It also doesn't help that the judges have seen a few thousand divorce cases and they all involve an affair on someone's part. They just don't give a crap anymore. Your DD has had quite a ride with two freakin' losers now. Maybe you better pick the next one for her. I was going to suggest she just become a lesbian considering her luck with men but you can't trust the women either.

[Artie Lang]

wow. sounds like your wife was somewhat of a "closet freak," and kept it under wraps pretty good.

 

nympho maybe?

 

 

good riddance.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Thanks NH. I hope your process goes well for you. You had a similar story with a valiant but failed effort at reconciliation. As I recall, you were in mediation somewhat recently but I don't think you're done yet, right?

 

By the way, props to Owl, Spark and Balzac for the support yesterday, too. I think everyone's messages gave me a bit of a confidence boost such that the day wasn't really bothersome at all. What a bonus.

Np, thanks Briefly (don't wanna t/j):

3 mediation sessions. 1st one nailed the custody plan 50/50, no real wars. Easy.

Other 2 sessions were on finances, didn't finish.

She lawyered up, and I had to get a real attny instead of mediation consultant. I filed the petition...on my birthday las week ^^

So now it's back and forth to settle the finances. The custody plan has been in effect for 1.5 months, no real issues.

 

Again, I'm so glad you powered through that. The 50/50 is so important. I'm lucky my wife didn't fight it...I would have dug in like crazy too if she had. Congrats

[Balzac]

No mentions but my curiosity bests me. Was post secondary education expense on the table?

Edited September 14, 2012 by Balzac
College

[beenburned]

Balzac,

 

In the state I live in you can't force a spouse to pay for a child's college.

Child support here ends at 18.

[Balzac]

Balzac,

 

In the state I live in you can't force a spouse to pay for a child's college.

Child support here ends at 18.

 

More to my curiosity was whether she even mentioned it.

You've got time and bigger fish right now.

[Balzac]

If as you believe she's moved on to a new guy already the fantasy imploded rather quickly (most likely original OM threw her under the bus as soon as he realized she was actually serious about leaving you).

 

Your wife is going to discover, soon enough, that she's got no where else to go, really.

 

A woman in her situation has basically zero sexual market value other than as an f-buddy/fwb/NSA sex partner, or perhaps with a guy who needs her financial support.

 

She totally blew it.

 

Expect her to try to come crawling back to you at some point down the road.

 

The major concern though is their shared children. Her social/sexual behavior and what she models. Children are capable of forming judgements. Approaching their father with questions or comments. I cannot imagine a child not able to feel unhappiness in their mother.