He doesn't want to get engaged yet

[Arkiepena]

The thing is that, until we moved together, he would be frustrated he didn't have a solid job and money to be with me. He told me, more than once, that if he could, he'd be married with me already.

We had discussing marrying eventually for, idk, 6 out of the 7 years we were together?

 

He changed when we moved in together. He said he was a responsible adult now and I wasn't, like some switch went off. he started having doubts, we had problems so our relationship was nowhere good enough for marriage and now that everything seems to be going good again i thought it was a good time to go back to that marriage talking, but nope.

 

He changed a lot, he's right. He's not the same loving man I fell in love with ):

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly. You're in love with an ideal, with a man you'd like him to be.

 

So, as said (and I agree) quit with the words and begin with the actions. Talk is cheap.

Actions say it all.

hence your still being single......

 

Move your butt out of there, and go get some.

 

And stop whining about being an old spinster on the shelf. I met my current husband when I was nearly 50, thank you very much.

[Els]

FWIW, I think it's pretty common nowadays, and perhaps not entirely a bad idea, for people in their 20s to not want to make a lifetime commitment (marriage) just yet.

 

That being said, despite being the title of your thread, that is not your biggest problem at all. AT ALL. Why do you even want to be married to this man? If he proposed, would you actually accept? Despite all the problems you have encountered as soon as you started cohabitating? Look at your list on the front page, it's a mile long! He can't just hold you and promise to propose - that solves none of your problems. Until the two of you manage to iron all those kinks out, it would be literally begging for a divorce for the two of you to marry as things stand.

 

Edit: Also, please don't let him gaslight you into believing that you are the one everything is wrong with, and he is the 'grown up' that has to deal with your 'immaturity'. Your line of work does not dictate how 'mature' you are; you do seem a little afraid to assert yourself, but frankly if you had been any less assertive he would never have been able to call the shots the way he currently is. Mature people don't set all the 'rules' and then expect others to bend over backwards to accommodate them. Mature people attempt to compromise, to request, to reciprocate, to communicate. And mature people don't expect you to do all the housework for them despite splitting the expenses 50/50.

Edited December 19, 2012 by Elswyth

[Els]

Regardless of which option you choose, I think that your first priority is to increase your income. Sign up to as many agencies as you can so that you make sure you have more regular work coming in. Look at other options for a workspace so that you get into less lazy mindset.

 

Also, I think January has a really good point here. Except I think what would help you the most with your career, assuming you're motivated to make a positive improvement, would be to leave the situation that you are currently in. It can't be easy to make a change while you're saddled with doing all the housework to your bf's OCD expectations, putting all your income into the shared expenses of your rental house, and dealing with all the emotional upheaval that comes from being with someone who constantly puts you down. Once you move back with your parents, you may have the time and state of mind that you need to focus on your career, and you can put your income into savings so that you'll have a bit of a cushion when you next move out on your own, or to use to further your art business.

[TaraMaiden]

Edit: Also, please don't let him gaslight you into believing that you are the one everything is wrong with, and he is the 'grown up' that has to deal with your 'immaturity'. Your line of work does not dictate how 'mature' you are; you do seem a little afraid to assert yourself, but frankly if you had been any less assertive he would never have been able to call the shots the way he currently is. Mature people don't set all the 'rules' and then expect others to bend over backwards to accommodate them. Mature people attempt to compromise, to request, to reciprocate, to communicate. And mature people don't expect you to do all the housework for them despite splitting the expenses 50/50.

 

Q - F - T!!

 

Exactly!

[Arkiepena]

And we just had a fight.

 

It started as we discussing the letter I sent him, and him saying it was why he didn't want to marry me yet, that things weren't good between us so it was pointless to marry like this.

 

Then it resulted in me being the ultimate problem:

 

- I don't care much about the house being ordered and clean.

- I don't make much effort and working hard while he works hard.

- Our sex life sucks.

 

So our relationship is going down because of those three things, which according to him, are the main causes of couples falling apart.

And all that makes him mad at me. And if he's mad at me, he can't be emotionally available to me, so I feel unloved and care even less about stuff. And so on. A vicious cycle.

He says he's tired of always being the one to give up and go with what I want whenever there's trouble in our relationship, and he's not willing to do it anymore. So I have to realize how important all this is and change them, and then he won't be mad and I'll feel loved again.

 

So he said to meet in the middle. I'll keep cleaning the house, he'll relax about my working habits and I'll make more of an effort and I'll be more available at sex while he'll try to be more affectionate outside sexual situations.

 

Then he started on how I didn't care about myself at all and that's why I don't care about living conditions and crap, and that I should focus on my other needs instead of my emotional ones, and I got really upset. I told him I'd rather live in the filth with 2 cents a month and no sex whatsoever as long as I felt loved. That I'd rather shoot myself if I had to live with nobody to love and support me, an if he wasn't there to support me, I'd rather go live by myself with my dog and my cat, or my mom.

He said I'm emotionally too needy, that I'm unable to survive by myself and that I have to put my priorities straight.

 

I got really mad. I yelled at him saying that I'm the stupid problem and that to fix it I should just make sure to keep his damn house clean, work more so he doesn't fret about our money and suck his cock more often and in the meantime just make up an imaginary friend to fulfill my emotional needs.

 

He got mad, tell me I should just pick my stuff and go to my mom's, and went to the living room to play videogames.

 

I feel we're just incompatible right now. He is pressuring me to change and meet his standards and priorities and values because he sees them as right, while I don't really care about that.

Part of me feels he's right, but another part of me feels he should be more supportive instead of putting all the blame on me for killing the relationship and instead help me reach the middle ground he talks about so much.

[Almond_Joy]

Um....

 

I went from the first page of this thread, where he was telling you all the stipulations you need to meet to be a worthy partner in his eyes (how to keep the house, how you can't keep pets, how you need to make a living)....and then I skipped to this last page with your recent post, where he's telling you that

 

"he's tired of always being the one to give up and go with what I want whenever there's trouble in our relationship"

 

You've bent over backwards for his acceptance, yet he shows no interest or desire to support you emotionally or professionally in any way.

 

I also don't see him taking responsibility for any of the dysfunction in the relationship. It takes two people to mess up a relationship.

 

OK, you've been with him a long time, and he has qualities that you seem to admire and want to adopt yourself. But it's important for you to have someone in your corner too. The person you want to spend your life with should not constantly berate you, and be so negligent of your needs and desires.

 

I'd suggest that you not think about what could be between you two in the future. The future doesn't mean anything when you can't make it through the present. I think you two should split.

 

You sound like you'd be happier on your own, and you will probably find someone more respectful of you.

[TaraMaiden]

Exactly. You're in love with an ideal, with a man you'd like him to be.

 

So, as said (and I agree) quit with the words and begin with the actions. Talk is cheap.

Actions say it all.

hence your still being single......

 

Move your butt out of there, and go get some.

 

And stop whining about being an old spinster on the shelf. I met my current husband when I was nearly 50, thank you very much.

 

Just thought I'd run this by you again, OP....

[Els]

 

- I don't care much about the house being ordered and clean.

- I don't make much effort and working hard while he works hard.

- Our sex life sucks.

 

 

Okay, you really need to explain this to me because I'm mind-boggled. You split expenses, correct? AND you also do ALL of the housework to his expectations, correct? What is he complaining about then? What does he DO that he feels you don't?

 

So our relationship is going down because of those three things, which according to him, are the main causes of couples falling apart.

 

Don't believe this, hon. It would be a sad relationship that was based solely on a clean house, working hard outside the home, and good sex.

 

He says he's tired of always being the one to give up and go with what I want whenever there's trouble in our relationship, and he's not willing to do it anymore. So I have to realize how important all this is and change them, and then he won't be mad and I'll feel loved again.

 

He may have a point if what he said was true, but I'm not seeing it being true. What has he done to give up and go with what you want? Did you ask him this?

 

So he said to meet in the middle. I'll keep cleaning the house, he'll relax about my working habits and I'll make more of an effort and I'll be more available at sex while he'll try to be more affectionate outside sexual situations.

 

This is not a bad compromise, but I'm worried about the general dynamic of your relationship for the most part. Aren't you?

 

Then he started on how I didn't care about myself at all and that's why I don't care about living conditions and crap, and that I should focus on my other needs instead of my emotional ones, and I got really upset. I told him I'd rather live in the filth with 2 cents a month and no sex whatsoever as long as I felt loved. That I'd rather shoot myself if I had to live with nobody to love and support me, an if he wasn't there to support me, I'd rather go live by myself with my dog and my cat, or my mom.

He said I'm emotionally too needy, that I'm unable to survive by myself and that I have to put my priorities straight.

 

Okay, here, I do think he has a tiny bit of a point (though I can totally understand why you would be angry that it was coming from someone who himself doesn't know how to put time and care into a relationship). You are being a little bit overdramatic here, and I say this with no offense intended. We need many things in life, and love is but one of them. If you have tried being in real risk of starvation with no parents to help you out, you would know this. I'm not saying he's right, but you do need to think about it on your own accord. It's hard for us die-hard romantics (I'm guessing you're a INFP too ) to get down to the pragmatic side of things, but it's a necessity if you are to survive.

 

another part of me feels he should be more supportive instead of putting all the blame on me for killing the relationship and instead help me reach the middle ground he talks about so much.

 

Very right.

[CarrieT]

The writing is on the wall and although you have given a lot of your young life to this relationship, I think you have dodged a bullet and learned early enough that ultimately, you are not compatible living together.

 

I am a firm believer in co-habitating before marriage for this very reason. You two could have walked down the aisle, then moved in together, and had these rash of issues and have to consider divorce.

 

Move out and be thankful for learning about him now, instead of later.

[Arkiepena]

After that fight, we agreed to work hard and meet in the middle.

And everything went great for a week. It felt as we had just started being together and we were happy.

 

Then we had a fight yesterday, because I was concerned about an injured dog on the street, because I'm transitioning to vegetarian next year and he hates pro-animal vegetarians with a passion.

I don't intend to preach to him or make him stop eating meat or anything of the sort, it's a personal choice I'm making and I wish he was supportive instead of giving me nasty annoyed looks every time I talk about that I'm going to have to learn how to cook this or that once I start eating less meat.

We talked about the subject yesterday, and I told him I'm not against people eating meat, I'm against how industry treats animals. Bottom-line, we disagree.

 

He also gives me nasty looks when I pet street animals, specially dogs. He's warned me that bringing injured or orphaned animals into our home is strictly forbidden because they're a bother for him (and I act before I think in those cases and don't measure the responsibilities I'm taking when helping an animal, which is true. But I honestly can't look the other way and pretend I don't see that stuff and say "let somebody else take care of that, it's not my problem" ): )

 

I half-jokingly said I'll dump him when we're 60-70 and get a house and take care of injured animals if I want to, and let them jump in my bed and sleep with me, because he'll never let me do that. He said why then be together if I'll dump him in 30-40 years, why don't I just dump him now and devote my life to take care of animals!

I said I just want to be able to help an animal if the case arose, I want to have the liberty to do it because it's my time, my house and my money, and he'll never let me do it.

 

We also realize we wouldn't fall in love with each other if we were to meet tomorrow for the first time.

Many things we dislike and resent about each other are crippling this whole thing.

 

I no longer know what to do.

I've been trying my best, he says I haven't. He hasn't tried his best because he said he already tried his best for 8 years and he's tired already.

 

You've told me, and other online friend have told me, and also some members of my family have told me to just put an end to this, that's not working... I really want this to work but there are so many things that pop up every time we argue I no longer see hope... unless I suck the whole thing up, put our differences under the rug and deal with it.

 

I think people does that when they have a family or a business together, to be together for the sake of those things, not when they're still not even engaged ):

 

Blah.

 

Sorry for being so indecisive.

He's family to me, I love him, or maybe it's just attachment or history, or that I love him as a good friend or something. I don't want to say I didn't do everything that was in my hands and later say "If I had only done this..."

 

*sigh*

[Els]

OK, since you're more interested in treating this as a blog than reading and responding to advice, I think it's fair for the rest of us to treat it similarly. Looking forward to your next episode.

[CarrieT]

I no longer know what to do.

Yes, you do. You are just choosing to not do it.

 

He hasn't tried his best because he said he already tried his best for 8 years and he's tired already.

i.e., He has already checked out of the relationship.

 

You've told me, and other online friend have told me, and also some members of my family have told me to just put an end to this, that's not working...

So what is keeping you from listening to what EVERYONE seems to be telling you?

 

Sorry for being so indecisive.

Be sorry for yourself - you are causing your own misery when, deep down, you know what has to be done.

 

I love him, or maybe it's just attachment or history, or that I love him as a good friend or something.

You love the person you fell in love with years ago. That is understandable. And he probably loves the person you were years ago. The clincher is that you have both grown and changed and you have not changed TOGETHER so that the people you are now - today - are no longer compatible.

 

I don't want to say I didn't do everything that was in my hands and later say "If I had only done this..."

Welcome to life. Why do you think there are volumes and volumes of poetry? This is what life is all about - making the right choices for the time and then looking back and wondering, "what if." You can never know except that now you are miserable and are choosing to remain so when you don't need to be.

[TheZebra]

I've been trying my best, he says I haven't. He hasn't tried his best because he said he already tried his best for 8 years and he's tired already.

 

This should be all you need to know. I'm surprised his next line wasn't 'we should break up' because that's what most rational people would say next.

 

You've bent over backwards for him. He hasn't done it for you. You know this.

 

You're unhappy. He's unhappy.

 

Why are you with him?

[pteromom]

He sounds like a real a-hole.

 

Your values don't line up. You are an animal lover who wants pets. Who wants to stop eating meat (why wait until next year - no time like the present! Is it just because of fear of his judgment?)

 

He doesn't respect who you are, and only wants you to be who he wants you to be. He criticizes you and makes you feel like there's something wrong with you for being who you are, just because it's not what HE would choose.

 

Ugh. You can do sooooo much better. Would you want him for a father for your children? A father who will never let them get pets, who will be controlling and critical?

 

You need to get out NOW so that you CAN go find a guy who complements your personality and goals and values, rather than trying to force his square peg into your round hole. Eek. That didn't sound right LOL. But you know what I mean. You guys don't fit.

[Arkiepena]

@Elswyth, I'm sorry for not responding directly to all the advice. I've read it all, though, several times and I'm still trying to decide what I should do.

I mean, you've told me what I should do, EVERYBODY's told me what I should do. But I'm scared.

 

@CarrieT, I'm scared. I failed my family's expectations many time sin the past, and my own expectations, I was depressed and I had to seek counseling, because I felt like a total failure. I'm scared to fail at this. I keep thinking maybe I should just try harder and avoid failure...

 

@TheZebra, I'm with him out of status quo, I think. He doesn't want to break up, he's tired, he doesn't like the way I am anymore, but he feels I should work hard to fix things, that I'm the one lacking and should "catch up", so to speak. So I'm trying to catch up and I'm unhappy, because I don't feel supported and encouraged, I just feel that if I don't catch up I won't be loved and that's my motivation. It sucks. He somehow feels I have the obligation to catch up, because he put up with all my stuff for 8 years before we moved together.

I'm afraid that if I don't catch up with what he needs/wants me to do/be, things will keep getting broken until we can no longer stand each other ):

 

@pteromom, I really feel we don't fit now. I used to, until our last fight. Now I'm like... blah. And I no longer want to do anything together with him. I want an enthusiastic father that will grab my kids and play with them and let them have pets and climb trees and hills and get his hands dirty. I'm afraid he'll keep playing videogames, buy them stuff and dedicate them enough time, just like he dedicates me "enough" time. ):

 

 

In all honesty, I'm scared as hell to call it quits, that's why I haven't done it.

 

I wanted to take a break, so I don't have to call ti quits and have a sort of "in between" thing, but he basically said that if I leave the house, it's over.

 

I keep thinking there should be a way to fix things, to talk things through, to reach a middle ground...

I'm scared, really scared.

I've never broken up with anybody like this.

The couple other long-term boyfriends I had, I broke up with them because I fell in love with somebody else at the time, so I had some sort of "backup", so to speak? I'm turning 30 in 2013 and I haven't been single since I was 15.

 

You know... He told me that if I wanted to get married and have kids so bad, if we broke up he was sure I'd just keep sitting on my ass working all day and wouldn't do anything about it, I wouldn't try to meet new people and finishing a new guy or anything, I'd just sit there waiting for things to happen and whining about why things weren't happening. That's one of the things he hates about me, that I don't work hard towards what I want, I just wait for things to happen magically, according to him.

 

I'm scared that's true.

 

That's why I say I don't know what to do.

Because I'm scared, I don't want to screw things up. To screw this relationship that will, eventually, lead to marriage and a family (not completely sure if a fulfilling one?) and end up alone, frozen in place unable to find another person to fulfill that dream with, growing old with my mom and my great aunt, taking care of them as they wither until they die just like my mom took care of her parents and her grandmother as they withered until they died... I'm scared of that future.

 

I'm sorry if I seem unable to take your advice or accept any help, unable to see the writing on the walls and unable to take action. I wish I could.

 

I'm probably looking to get a magical epiphany, a sudden moment of clarity where I know that leaving his definitely the best thing to do and that things *will* get better, but my experience tells me otherwise, that things will never be as I expect them to be and that, if I'll leave him, I'll never have the chance to get married and have a family again, that life will just take me somewhere else and I'll keep looking back longing for what could have been, even if later I'm satisfied with something different from what I wanted ):

[CarrieT]

I don't want to screw things up.

Here's the clincher - things are already screwed up! You are just too scared to face that fact, as you have admitted.

 

You keeping talking about "catching up" but the truth of the matter is that there is nothing to catch up to - he is simply a different person and you are a different person and what you two want is entirely different.

 

There is no catching up when two trains are running on two different tracks. It will never, ever happen and what you could end up doing, is forcing yourself into his world and his ideal and hating yourself for it. THAT I can guarantee.

 

The epiphany moment you are waiting for is that moment when you become strong enough for YOU to walk away from a situation that you cannot change. I just hope it happens before you spend a lot of money on a wedding and get pregnant because you think it will change things. It will not.

[Daniel V. Ross]

Maybe your partner is not yet ready for any commitment.

[pink_sugar]

Wow, lately I've seen so many posts about men complaining about the wife not being orderly enough. I've been having the opposite problem. Usually it seems to be more often that the husband's/men are creating a mess and not cleaning up.

[pteromom]

He told me that if I wanted to get married and have kids so bad, if we broke up he was sure I'd just keep sitting on my ass working all day and wouldn't do anything about it, I wouldn't try to meet new people and finishing a new guy or anything, I'd just sit there waiting for things to happen and whining about why things weren't happening. That's one of the things he hates about me, that I don't work hard towards what I want, I just wait for things to happen magically, according to him.

 

I'm scared that's true.

 

Again, he sounds like a real winner. Even if it is true, don't you want someone who will lift you up? Who will support you and encourage you, instead of listing off the things they hate about you?

 

To screw this relationship that will, eventually, lead to marriage and a family (not completely sure if a fulfilling one?) and end up alone, frozen in place unable to find another person to fulfill that dream with, growing old with my mom and my great aunt, taking care of them as they wither until they die just like my mom took care of her parents and her grandmother as they withered until they died... I'm scared of that future.

 

So instead, you'll stay with someone who wants to stomp on your self-worth, looks at you in contempt for your beliefs, and only respects you if you agree with him? TRUST ME - this relationship will never make you happy.

 

And having children will make it much, much worse.

 

I'm probably looking to get a magical epiphany, a sudden moment of clarity where I know that leaving his definitely the best thing to do and that things *will* get better, but my experience tells me otherwise, that things will never be as I expect them to be and that, if I'll leave him, I'll never have the chance to get married and have a family again, that life will just take me somewhere else and I'll keep looking back longing for what could have been, even if later I'm satisfied with something different from what I wanted ):

 

That's just fear talking. You are scared of being alone, so you are letting yourself remain in a situation that doesn't allow you to spread your wings and be all of who you are supposed to be. Do NOT settle for that.

 

I remember being 30. 30 is the year I really figured out who I was. It was the year I started being me with no apologies, instead of trying to fit into the mold of who others wanted me to be.

 

Like you, I had only left relationships when I had a backup ready. I had never lived on my own. I had always been part of a couple.

 

Being single for a while was the best thing that ever happened to me. I dated. I made friends. I went out. I focused on hobbies and learning and just on being ME and living my life the way I wanted. I had dogs and cats. I became a vegetarian.

 

Then - I met someone and I got married and I had a child. I made it happen. And if I hadn't met someone, I would have still found a way to be a mom, because I was meant to be a mom.

 

But it worked out. And it will work out for you too. You don't have to worry about always being alone. If you want to be married and have children, you will put the work in to make that happen. Don't let your bf's opinions define you. And don't let him manipulate you into being scared of leaving, which is what he is doing when he threatens you.

 

You can be more. You can be who you want to be.

 

So here's my challenge to you. Since you aren't ready to leave yet, just start being more of who you want to be. You want to stop eating meat? DO IT. You want a pet? Get one. Do NOT allow him to control you or minimize you or tell you that who you are is not good enough. Start asserting yourself and start working on detaching yourself emotionally from his opinions and criticisms.

 

One of two things will happen - he'll either finally gain respect for you when he realizes you will be who you want to be, or it will escalate and you will get the epiphany you are hoping for.

 

I have faith in you and I want you to realize your potential and be true to yourself above all else.

[Almond_Joy]

@Elswyth, I'm sorry for not responding directly to all the advice. I've read it all, though, several times and I'm still trying to decide what I should do.

I mean, you've told me what I should do, EVERYBODY's told me what I should do. But I'm scared.

 

@CarrieT, I'm scared. I failed my family's expectations many time sin the past, and my own expectations, I was depressed and I had to seek counseling, because I felt like a total failure. I'm scared to fail at this. I keep thinking maybe I should just try harder and avoid failure...

 

@TheZebra, I'm with him out of status quo, I think. He doesn't want to break up, he's tired, he doesn't like the way I am anymore, but he feels I should work hard to fix things, that I'm the one lacking and should "catch up", so to speak. So I'm trying to catch up and I'm unhappy, because I don't feel supported and encouraged, I just feel that if I don't catch up I won't be loved and that's my motivation. It sucks. He somehow feels I have the obligation to catch up, because he put up with all my stuff for 8 years before we moved together.

I'm afraid that if I don't catch up with what he needs/wants me to do/be, things will keep getting broken until we can no longer stand each other ):

 

@pteromom, I really feel we don't fit now. I used to, until our last fight. Now I'm like... blah. And I no longer want to do anything together with him. I want an enthusiastic father that will grab my kids and play with them and let them have pets and climb trees and hills and get his hands dirty. I'm afraid he'll keep playing videogames, buy them stuff and dedicate them enough time, just like he dedicates me "enough" time. ):

 

 

In all honesty, I'm scared as hell to call it quits, that's why I haven't done it.

 

I wanted to take a break, so I don't have to call ti quits and have a sort of "in between" thing, but he basically said that if I leave the house, it's over.

 

I keep thinking there should be a way to fix things, to talk things through, to reach a middle ground...

I'm scared, really scared.

I've never broken up with anybody like this.

The couple other long-term boyfriends I had, I broke up with them because I fell in love with somebody else at the time, so I had some sort of "backup", so to speak? I'm turning 30 in 2013 and I haven't been single since I was 15.

 

You know... He told me that if I wanted to get married and have kids so bad, if we broke up he was sure I'd just keep sitting on my ass working all day and wouldn't do anything about it, I wouldn't try to meet new people and finishing a new guy or anything, I'd just sit there waiting for things to happen and whining about why things weren't happening. That's one of the things he hates about me, that I don't work hard towards what I want, I just wait for things to happen magically, according to him.

 

I'm scared that's true.

 

That's why I say I don't know what to do.

Because I'm scared, I don't want to screw things up. To screw this relationship that will, eventually, lead to marriage and a family (not completely sure if a fulfilling one?) and end up alone, frozen in place unable to find another person to fulfill that dream with, growing old with my mom and my great aunt, taking care of them as they wither until they die just like my mom took care of her parents and her grandmother as they withered until they died... I'm scared of that future.

 

I'm sorry if I seem unable to take your advice or accept any help, unable to see the writing on the walls and unable to take action. I wish I could.

 

I'm probably looking to get a magical epiphany, a sudden moment of clarity where I know that leaving his definitely the best thing to do and that things *will* get better, but my experience tells me otherwise, that things will never be as I expect them to be and that, if I'll leave him, I'll never have the chance to get married and have a family again, that life will just take me somewhere else and I'll keep looking back longing for what could have been, even if later I'm satisfied with something different from what I wanted ):

 

You're obviously self-aware, intelligent, articulate, and have goals. Change is scary, but the alternative is worse.

 

You've been trying to beat a square peg (fundamental incompatibility) into a round hole (happy long-term relationship) for a long time. Let it go. This isn't working. You see it isn't working, you know you're both unhappy. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.

 

You were fine before this guy, and you'll be fine after him. You'd also be fine ALONE. I think you've kept a lot of your personal growth and self-identity building smothered under the commitment of relationships for 15 years. Few people truly know themselves and what they want to make of life at 15. It's also much easier to attach your identity to someone else instead of bearing down and really looking at yourself, going after what you want, and taking full accountability for whatever results from those efforts.

 

So maybe splitting and not finding anyone for a while would do you some good. You need to be OK with yourself as you are, in whatever form that is. If you can't appreciate you for you no one else will. That's the heart of your discontent to me. You say you want to be all these things that you see other people are. Why? Because that's the kind of person you want to be or because that's how these other people think you should be? I mean really stop and think about that and decide which it is - it's important to know the distinction. Because if it's the latter, it's a fat chance you'll ever be happy with your life. You'll constantly be jumping through hoops to fit the proper image of other people, which is never truly constant and completely arbitrary. In turn, you'll never have control over your life. I don't see how you can be happy that way.

 

They're not living your life, you are. Your boyfriend's approval isn't the end all be all, neither is your family. And if you end up dissatisfied with the results of your actions, you can frickin' get over it and work for something better another day like most other people do. People screw up all the time, it doesn't stop their lives from being awesome in ways they couldn't have planned if they tried. You already know you're not happy doing what you're doing now, the worse that could happen is that you're unhappy doing something else.

 

I hope you find the courage to believe in yourself - it'll work wonders on your perspective.