Is it really over???

[miz_barby]

Hello again everyone! Now I'm afraid I must re-tract my statements from the previous days about being in a happy relationship, all was great until today when a bomb was dropped.

 

I guess you could say it's over between Oscar and I and to be honest I'm actually Ok with it, I'm kinda stunned because it all came about so quickly. NO cheating on EITHER part took place or anything....

 

it's just that we got into a petty argument (over him being overly jealous he called on the phone and speaking REAL low he said "what's up" well no ONE but him ever calls so it took me by suprise because I didn't reconize the voice and I asked "who's this??" when no one answered I hung up, a couple minutes later he called back cussing me out!)

 

He thinks because I wasn't sure who it was *because he sounded so different* that it means I have OTHER men calling! He's insane to believe that! I'm fed up, he says "it's over I want someone true"

 

I replied "you know I've been 100% faithful and I hope you re-consider you know I love you, ect, ect, ect" long story short we broke up! I WOULD NEVER beg anyone back to me EVER no matter how much I love him...

 

So now I'm pondering....was I wrong? Is he wrong? What should I do??

 

I'm kinda dumbfounded and numb right now!

[tiki]

 

 

Dayum. I'm sorry Miz. You guys SO need to talk this out. It was misconstrued. I can see both sides of the story. And the good sign is, that you hung up because you *didn't* recognize the voice!

 

You've desperately got to sit him down and talk to him about it...it can be fixed. I can see his astonishment when you asked "who is this" but he did put on the 'whispery' voice.

 

You guys will work this out, I know you will! Give him time, he'll come around. Remain open to his needs and feelings...as I'm sure you always do.

 

And let us know. Good luck.

[EC]

:lmao:

I'm sorry for laughing but I cannot believe he called you and changed his voice to see what you would say lol.

 

But seriosly thats just psycho! I mean he sat there and thought and thought and thought about it till he came up with the bright I dea to call you and change his voice.

 

I mean c'mon.

 

It's forgivable but Do you really want to be with somebody l ike that? Never trusting you when you have given no reason for him not to?

 

And now after this if you guys do get back together hes going to be even 10X more suspicious because remember you asked "who's this?" so you supposedly talk to ther men.

 

LOL sorry that made me laugh. It depends on what you want to put up with and how much you love him.

[tiki]

You should bust him out for trying to find petty reasons to end the relationship.

[honey2005]

You definitely weren't wrong. As long as you know you were 100% faithful, that's all that matters. It sounds like he was looking for a reason to break up. Why else would he call, disguise his voice, then start a huge argument over nothing? Maybe he hasn't been completely faithful to you. They say the one who starts the accusations is usually the one who has something to hide. Or maybe he's just not sure about committment. Or then again, he could just be completely too jealous. Either way, I like the fact that you won't beg him to come back. I've done the begging thing before and it's definitely NOT a good idea.

 

If you wait awhile, I'm think he will come back. But then it's up to you to decide if you want someone like that or not.

[supermom]

I am so sorry to hear about that.

 

I agree with the other posters. Give it some time. Is this the first fight of this kind? I would do the no contact thing and see how that lasts.

 

Good luck.

[miz_barby]

Thanks for responding everyone!

 

No it's not our first fight over jealousy, he has never called me and acted like that but none the less he has been jealous over absolutely nothing!

 

I just can't believe that after all this time together 1.5 years he doesn't trust me yet,

his father was the same with his Mother after over 24 years of marriage he STILL doesn't trust her fully and she's a totally subserviant woman who does anything and everything his father says, she doesn't work and doesn't have much family plus where they live is totally isolated but he still finds a reason to be jealous!

 

Oscar had gotten these issues under control for the most part until yesterday when all this came about. Yesterday I was numb but now the hurt and disbelief of being without him is creeping in. I haven't called him at all and likewise he hasn't called me

before when I told him not to call he did anyway but not this time!

 

I guess it's really over now........a part of me feels maybe it's time to move on for good and spend some time single again BUT a part of me (the bigger part of my heart and mind) really want him back and want to call him.

 

I'm so sad for once I'm the one on the board with a broken heart! I miss him more than I ever thought I would but then again I knew I really truly was in love with him

so I shouldn't be suprised...but I'm not the kind of person who continues to "try and try and try over and over again" I will try and work it out a couple of times but after that it's kinda pointless.....

 

I guess I'll see where it goes today...if he doesn't contact me or I can't get ahold of him then I'm done....

 

 

 

Well I broke down and called him on his cell, he's working but hearing his voice breaks my will BUT he said he was "through" I said "alright if you're sure that's what you want" he wouldn't answer so I'm like....hello????

 

He's like look I gotta go....I said ok but are you sure you don't want to talk about this later...he said there's nothing to talk about....I said yeah "us" he said but I'm tired of having to be jealous (like I make him jealous) come on give me a break! I don't know why I'm so weirded out by the thought of not being with him. I thought I would be happy to be single *yesterday I thought that* but today I feel like a part of me is dying inside! God why does it hurt so much and why do I have to be so confused??

[HoldOn]

So sorry miz barby! I can't believe this happened...

 

I don't understand. Don't you have a dad or brothers or male cousins or co-workers that could be calling you too? Does he think he is the only male who calls you. Are you supposed to assume that any male voice that calls you is him. What if it's a wrong number?

[miz_barby]

No, no brothers, cousins, and my father is deceased so actually he is the only male who calls *as sad as that sounds* so that's why I was shocked when it sounded like someone else!

 

I'm now moving to the point where I'm hurting like crazy and wanting to call him and tell him how much I love and miss him but I'm afraid that I'll overwhelm him plus I was NOT wrong so I don't want to be the one to call and try and "make up"

 

I always post to situations like this but I'm coming to realize when you are actually in the situation you can be blinded and not really know which way to run...to him or away from him! I love him but what keeps running through my mind is....do I really want him or am I just "used to" him....no doubt I am in love with him and I will always love him..

 

I love him in such a different way than I have ever loved anyone in my entire life! I'm just soooooooooooooo confused! I want to call him, I don't...I do...I don't......

Gawd when will it stop?? I wish I could be with him but the next minute I wonder if all this happened for a reason???

 

I probably will end up calling him ONCE more and if he stills says he doesn't wanna talk about it then I'll take that as my "sign" from above saying it's meant to be over!

I sound cheesy but I don't want to hound him like a psycho either!

[HoldOn]

I wonder if all this happened for a reason???

 

I believe that everything happens for a reason. But we can't know that reason until years later. Maybe this happened so you could see that it's not going to work out. Maybe your relationship with him will prepare you for the REAL love of your life. Maybe you learned something from him that you needed to know.

 

I am glad that his erratic behavior came out now instead of years down the line.

 

Are you sure that there were no other problems in your relationship?

 

Ok, so, if you were with someone else, wouldn't you say their name instead of being shocked and saying "Who's this??"

 

My ex-bf did something similar to this. We had been dating about six months. I had another ex who I hadn't spoken to in a year. Well teh ex called me and I just said "I can't talk now, goodbye." Anyway, my bf made it sound like I did something wrong! I was just trying to get off the phone as soon as possible and just said the first thing that came to mind. It didn't mean anything. Well, my bf screamed at me for like 5 hours and threatened to leave over this little thing! Argh!

[KaiaMahina]

Miz, my mother was always big on "cutting your losses." You have (apparently, perhaps temporarily, perhaps permanently) lost your man. Don't lose your dignity and self-esteem as well. Cut your losses now.

 

I know exactly how you feel. I'm truly, madly, deeply in love with my ex, but I haven't spoken one word to him in close to 5 weeks. He was in the wrong, and he left me (I refuse to use the term "dumped" anymore), and he knows that no matter how much I love him, I will never make first contact. It is not my place to do so.

 

When someone lets you go in no uncertain terms (providing that you are both fluent in the same language ), it's demeaning and self-destructive to pursue them. My mother also always said, "No means NO." Until such time as the other party changes their mind, you have to continue under the last transpired message. Which in my case, was essentially NO.

 

You fell victim to your emotions, and called him. No crime in that. But you got the same answer. And no means no. If he changes his mind without any persuasion from you, then it's a sincere change of heart. That would be lovely. Then you would have some basis to work out your problems. But until that happens, keep your dignity. Sometimes that's all you have, but you'd be surprised how often it takes you a lot further than you thought you could go.

 

Being naturally stubborn, at least when I'm in the right, I have been in no genuine danger of picking up the telephone and making that fateful call. I've wanted to, of course. I've imagined doing it. But I would chew my right arm off at the shoulder first. So in some ways, I'm no help to people who find the urge so relentless and irresistable that they can't help themselves.

 

Another thing, Miz. If his father is so jealous that his mother lives the life of a hermit, aren't you afraid he'll subject you to the same abuse? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and having grown up with this example in front of him, he believes that this is the norm in a relationship between a man and a woman. Think about it.

 

And if you're looking for "signs," then take a walk and look on the ground for a penny. If the penny is heads up, he'll come back. If the penny is tails up, he's gone for good. Then you have your "answer" and there's no need to call him again. In other words, devise some little tricks to keep your mitts off that phone!

 

Hope you're holding up OK...KM

[miz_barby]

Another thing, Miz. If his father is so jealous that his mother lives the life of a hermit, aren't you afraid he'll subject you to the same abuse? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree, and having grown up with this example in front of him, he believes that this is the norm in a relationship between a man and a woman. Think about it.

 

That hits the nail on the head....I have always been kind of a loner (I've had friends but they have ALWAYS back stabbed me in one way or another or we've just grown apart) but for the most part I've just had my family so yeah I kinda fit his "description" of the type of woman he wanted to be with (like his Mom in some ways) but when I've shown independence and gone w/ my family or by myself somewhere he would automatically think there was a guy involved *even if I invited him and he couldn't come along because of work or whatever* I know he wants a reclusive woman, someone who needs him and her family but no one else. Well I've never really "needed" anyone except my family so once I started falling in love with him and feeling that I was beginning to "need him" in my life I started to step back so I wouldn't "lose" myself in him BUT I never cheated or gave him reason to think I did or gone out to the bar without him or anything at all like that. Hell I didn't even talk online to anyone except one person who've I known a long time but only once in awhile *which i could never tell him that* I've never done anything to break his trust and it just hurts that I gave someone my 100% honesty, faithfulness, and trust but he only gave me his faithfulness and honesty BUT NOT his trust which is a huge issue for our relationship to survive!

 

Anyway I haven't called again and I don't think I will, if he calls me ok we can talk *maybe* and if he doesn't then so be it I'll spend my day online I guess avoiding the pain of thinking of him too much....(I guess it's better than sitting there staring into space)

[clia]

The whole thing is so goofy that it almost seems like he was looking for a reason to break up with you. Looking back, has he seemed unhappy in the relationship lately? Is it possible that the break up isn't about this incident at all, but is about something else?

[KaiaMahina]

I thought I was the only person "crazy" enough to sit on her couch for literally hours with no television, no radio, no CDs playing, no one to speak to, and simply stare. At the wall, at the ceiling, at some spot on the floor. Ugh! It's like you have entirely disappeared and your pain has taken the temporary form of what used to be your body.

[miz_barby]

The whole thing is so goofy that it almost seems like he was looking for a reason to break up with you. Looking back, has he seemed unhappy in the relationship lately? Is it possible that the break up isn't about this incident at all, but is about something else?

 

 

 

No he just has extreme jealousy (like obessive thinking about me cheating) he has since day 1 but as I mentioned earlier he has gotten it under control....I know from an outsider's POV it seems unthinkable that someone could be so jealous or that it isn't just an excuse.

 

I can't really explain, he's been just the same as he always has, he is this way for some reason if my phone is busy *it's his cell it sucks and I have call waiting so it is NEVER busy* but he doesn't accept that. He swears I'm a bad person *just because I was married and I left him because he beat me* in his mind he thinks no matter what you should stay! SO since I left my ex he thinks I will leave him too or worse that I will cheat and he just can't get it through his thick head that i won't!!!

 

Also I am his FIRST serious relationship and his only "white" girlfriend. He thinks that since I'm not "mexican" that I can't respect his belief's about how women should be! I don't bad mouth his beliefs and I've tried to respect them the best way possible without demeaning myself or losing who I am but it's just not working that way anymore. I know he loves me but he just doesn't realize love isn't the same as control. He thinks if I love him as much as he loves me I will be under his total control day and night. (sadly I have been) BUT since things happen that are OUT OF MY control ***which he doesn't see it that way*** like the phone ringing busy or him changing his voice just to be dumb he says it's "my" fault and thinks I'm doing wrong! In a way it's a sick way of thinking but since he has emotional problems as it is I didn't look bad at him for this.

 

Well he called me to ask about his Dr's appointment this month and he asked me..."do you want to tell me the truth who you were expecting a call from" this urkes my nerves because I really wasn't waiting for anyone because I don't talk to anyone else and so again I told him this...he says "I love you but I deserve someone who'll be honest" so I replied "you know I am BUT since i can't change your mind you should know I deserve someone who'll trust me when I've shown you time and time again that I have been 110% faithful and trustworthy and you still can't trust me it becomes apparent it's YOUR problem and if you can't see that then yes it's best we part ways for good. Good luck with your pursuit for a woman who will "control destiny" so nothing happens to make you insecure or make you feel bad!" Clearly I said this way tears in my eyes and a heavy heavy heart!

He replies "oh I'll find one, but never here cuz all american women are whores! I'll find one in Mexico where they are honest pure virgins!" I'm like "ok Oscar you call us whores but you claim to have "loved" a (so he says) whore all this time" he says "oh I still do love you very much and always will but I thought you were different but I guess I was wrong" so again I replied "you KNOW you are wrong but I'm done trying to convince you, you know where I live or my phone # if you need something or wanna talk *as friends* you can get ahold of me" he said "ok I love you" I'm like Okay Bye.

 

Gawd this hurts but oh well it'll get easier, it has too because I've never felt so much pain in my life!

 

I thought I was the only person "crazy" enough to sit on her couch for literally hours with no television, no radio, no CDs playing, no one to speak to, and simply stare. At the wall, at the ceiling, at some spot on the floor. Ugh! It's like you have entirely disappeared and your pain has taken the temporary form of what used to be your body.

 

 

 

Nope I think I'm in about that much pain that if it wasn't for reading and posting on this board then I would probably be dumbly staring at nothing, hearing nothing, and seeing nothing but my broken heart.

[Mr Spock]

Miz Barby, I don't want to be the one who points this out but a big red flag of cheating is when the other partner gets suspicious or put suspicion on their SO. It sounds like he's deflecting a bit-he REFUSES to think that you're not dicking around on him...is maybe because he did it to you? And can't believe in his own mind that you aren't doing it back.

[Fayebelle]

AW Miz! I just wanted to tell you I'm very sorry you are hurting. We're all here if you need us.

[miz_barby]

When we first met (before we became exclusive) within the first month of our relationship (we dated and saw each other everyday BUT he still hung out without his a**h*** friends) he had a one night stand well a quick 15 minute fling with someone that ALL his friends poked that night! (yes he wore a condom he showed me the pack he bought with one missing and since he told me i believed him).

That same night he called me and told me about him sleeping with her and begged for my forgiveness ( before we became exclusive I kissed someone else too so I wasn't mad) BUT AFTER this we talked and he swore to me on his own life he wouldn't cheat ever again *which this I didn't consider cheating* but he thought I did so he asked me to be "serious" with him I agreed and he was with me ALL the time there is NO way he had time or place to cheat on me again, it's just NOT possible!

 

BUT he figured *and said it all the time* that since he cheated on me (though I didn't consider at that point that he cheated) I would turn around and do the same to him. He always has believed that NO matter what I say or do!!

 

Our relationship wasn't perfect but except the one time I just mentioned there has been NO cheating on either part nor have I thrown this thing "mistake" in his face. Needless to say I got over what he did but I guess his guilt still eats at him so he takes it out on me.

 

None the less it's over now so no matter what is the reason it isn't gonna change anything...

 

Thanks Faybelle I appreciate it, I guess I kind of just to need to get all of this off my chest so I can begin to heal!

[miz_barby]

Ok so I don't know if anyone is still reading this or not but in either case I just need to vent.

 

Things have gone from bad to worse, at first we talked and agreed to be friends...then he shows up at my house, sees I'm online and goes insane (literally) he swore I was talking to someone else....he left crying...I wasn't chatting not with anyone except (dr. demented) but he's just a friend none the less to save drama I told him no one....well he leaves and then calls me from his cell threatening to go get drunk *he hasn't drank in 4 years* threatening to kill me and calling me every name under the sun!

 

I was floored, I don't know what to think or what to do. I feel like he could mean it because I saw a side of him I have never seen before but when he called back he was calm and said he was sorry he was just upset, I wasn't worth ruining his life over and he was moving on for me not to call him, ect, ect,

 

Now I'm left wondering if he could be capable of such a thing?? I don't want to get the cops involved because as of now there is no need to do so. It just strikes me to the core and I don't know what to do!

[moimeme]

Miz Barby - let him go. In fact, FLEE as fast as you can in the other direction!!!!!

 

know from an outsider's POV it seems unthinkable that someone could be so jealous or that it isn't just an excuse

 

Well, this outsider is pretty familiar with the signs of abuse and this man is going to be an abuser. That sort of pathological jealousy - *unreasonable* jealousy - is one of the first symptoms. His mother is cowed and subservient and you'd end up exactly the same.

 

This man has got deep deep problems that you do not need in your life. Thank God because He's taking care of you in having this guy dump you.

 

threatening to kill me and calling me every name under the sun!

 

And there we go. That's the next step. You may not want to get police involved, but lock your doors (change the locks) and talk to your local domestic violence hotline.

 

The biggest red flag in any human, I firmly believe, is unreasonableness. This guy *refused* to believe that you can be trusted - even after a year and a half. There is no good that can come from being with someone like that. Oh, and seeming to have it under control is *classic*. People with these sorts of problems all can behave well for a while, but, as you have found out, then they get even worse as they descend into another cycle of abuse.

 

Really, take this seriously. And really, do not take him back. Oh, and DO NOT spend any time with him where you are alone someplace.

[ILLA]

Miz..don't call him at all, he will be calling you in the next couple of days

he needs sometime to realize how foolish he is, right now he is convinced that he

is right, also he knows that you love him very much, and he is expecting you

to beg him, don't give him that pleasure!.

ILLA.

[miz_barby]

Originally posted by moimeme

Miz Barby - let him go. In fact, FLEE as fast as you can in the other direction!!!!!

 

know from an outsider's POV it seems unthinkable that someone could be so jealous or that it isn't just an excuse

 

Well, this outsider is pretty familiar with the signs of abuse and this man is going to be an abuser. That sort of pathological jealousy - *unreasonable* jealousy - is one of the first symptoms. His mother is cowed and subservient and you'd end up exactly the same.

 

This man has got deep deep problems that you do not need in your life. Thank God because He's taking care of you in having this guy dump you.

 

threatening to kill me and calling me every name under the sun!

 

And there we go. That's the next step. You may not want to get police involved, but lock your doors (change the locks) and talk to your local domestic violence hotline.

 

The biggest red flag in any human, I firmly believe, is unreasonableness. This guy *refused* to believe that you can be trusted - even after a year and a half. There is no good that can come from being with someone like that. Oh, and seeming to have it under control is *classic*. People with these sorts of problems all can behave well for a while, but, as you have found out, then they get even worse as they descend into another cycle of abuse.

 

Really, take this seriously. And really, do not take him back. Oh, and DO NOT spend any time with him where you are alone someplace.

 

 

Thank you seriously I NEEDED to hear that!!

 

I needed to hear it from someone other than my family! I love this site! I needed to vent SOOOO badly, I went from shock to pain to crying to absolute fear now I am near hate and anger and will NEVER go back after him saying that! NEVER!!

 

I have to admit too that he hit me twice before and I forgave him but after hearing him threaten my life like my ex used to there is no way I can forgive that. Now I need to begin the healing process....I hope ya'll can forgive me but I will probably be posting a lot seeking support or just to vent. Thanks everyone for being here!

[gold26]

He told you it wasover and that he would find a mexican virgin even when you wanted to talk about things..

Then after it was is idea to spit he gets angry at you for being online.and accuses you of talking to someone else..Hello,, thats what people do when there broken up..

he wants it both ways.. he wants to tell you its over then have you chase after him and end up a dormat that he can wipe his feet on..and trust me no mater how careful you were e would always come up withsome reason he couldnt trust you..if you had been te one to have the one night stand you would have been a whore the rest of your life in his eyes and he would have loved to have had the ammunition to throw at you..itsthe fact he cant that he hates..

he is having this tantrum now because your not groveling for forgivness..

 

a man like that Is dangerous..

you may end up having th call the police ... in fact i wouldnt be surprised if hedrives past our house at night just to see if your car is in the drive or your lights are on..

 

hang in there girlfriend.. you deserve way better and you will find someone who deserves you..

[miz_barby]

Thanks! I'm just hoping he stays AWAY from me, we are considering moving anyway (not because of him we were considering it before) but now it is sounding better and better.

 

I'm sad it came to this but glad i found out before i moved in with him, i shudder to think how it would have been living alone and being all alone with him day in and day out without my family being around every now and then.

 

He basically tried to isolate me from them (he said he wanted all my time and needed it because he loved me so much and though i felt guilty slowly i obliged) so if i was living him how much worse it could have gotten...

[moimeme]

He basically tried to isolate me from them

 

Oh dear! That's another warning sign!!!!!!

 

Please read these, print them, carry them with you - don't ever again get mixed up with guys who have these issues!!!

 

http://www.dvirc.org.au/whenlove/checklisttxt.htm

 

http://www.thans.ca/ami.html

 

http://quark.physics.uwo.ca/~harwood/abuse.htm