How can my Boyfriend Understand Me?

[SunflowerKitten]

I was raised after being adopted by a great couple, who are the only ones I know as my parents.

 

My biological mom killed herself on Feb 16, 1985, I turned 2 on March 15th.

My biological father died in a plane crash on April 13, 1985.

 

I was adopted in 1988 after being in Foster care.

 

Growing up my dad didn't know he had undiagnosed PTSD from being a Vietnam Veteran, so my sister and I grew up with anger in the home, fights, he had a temper, there was chaos and disorder, my parents would fight and one would leave and come back a few days later or the other would leave and come back a few hours later.

He always had jobs for a few yrs, and then would be layed off.

 

I was scared to express anger as a child and teenager; I didn't speak up about what I was feeling.

 

I was sexually assaulted at 17 and moved out of my parent’s house at 18.

I ran into the arms of the first man who showed me any kindness after what had happened to me, I ended up marrying him and after we were engaged we found out I was pregnant, I transferred and finished high school in the city I moved to after moving out of my parents house, in a different city, I had my first child 8 days before high school graduation, but still walked across stage.

I worked and went to school and raised my first child, then my two daughters came, and then at the time the man I was married to became ill, couldn't work anymore, and I became a caregiver and nurse, no longer a wife.

I went through hospital stays, doc visits, and long rides to the hospital, went through surgeries with him, brain surgery and stayed home to care for him while he was recovering and did my work from home during that period of time.

After all the medical issues he had a TBI and lost his short term memory after brain surgery, came down with sever psoriasis, and couldn't function to do a daily job, but he hadn't been able to work 3 yrs before the brain surgery.

 

Lost rental home in Hurricane Ike, was homeless, and as always, everything fell on my shoulders.

Was raising three children alone and basically had a grown man as a 4th child.

 

He was approved disability in July 2011.

 

I went through a hysterectomy in June 2008 due to stress that caused my uterus to collapse and I was bleeding to death.

I went through a lumpectomy in Jan 2010 from cancer.

 

I never was appreciated for all I did as a caregiver, was always talked down to and was never taken seriously, my opinion didn't matter, if I spoke up I was nagging or just wanting to pick a fight.

 

I had to make a decision; my life had to change, so I separated in Nov 2011 and divorced in Feb 2012.

 

I'm a single mom to 3 and doing it once again, where it’s me doing it all.

I have to pay alimony due to being married over 10 yrs and I supported the family the most.

I don't receive child support since my ex husband is disabled.

 

Now, how do I help my boyfriend understand the person I am or how I react to certain situations?

Is there a book he can read to understand a woman who was abused?

 

Why does he think everything that is said that I will react to it by thinking it is negative, or he thinks that is how I will respond?

I am too emotional, or hysterical for him, he always assumes I think the worst or that I compare him to my ex husband.

He is nothing like my ex husband, they are total opposites.

 

My ex was reserved, quiet, didn’t like people, non emotional, non affectionate, a slapstick or perverted sense of humor, his jokes always poked fun at me, or nothing was ever serious for him. He never complimented, never said I love you, he assumed that I should just know that he loved me, and he didn’t have to say it or show it.

 

My boyfriend is so very kind and compassionate, loving, and affectionate, there is an emotional connection and understanding, he is helpful, cares about when I am not feeling well, wants to help however he can, for once he is the only man who takes care of me sometimes, for a change.

 

I'm a very caring and un-judgmental person, and I finally learned a few yrs ago that I speak up when I don't agree with something or I will stand up for myself.

That shouldn't be summarized as me having too much anger and I take it out by yelling back when he provokes an argument.

If I'm being yelled at and I don't deserve it or I'm the only person for my boyfriend to take his frustrations out on, I sometimes do get angry and yell back because sometimes he doesn't snap out of it and listen to me unless I get to his level.

 

How do I help him see and understand that I am not crazy and that my emotions really only have a way of showing themselves with me crying or being angry?

 

I am seeing a therapist to help me cope with just life in general since I was running on fumes for so long, I was always expecting the next shoe to drop, was never able to relax, and was always stressed out.

 

So I am seeking help so that the abuse I suffered doesn't sabotage any future healthy relationships I want to have, but he needs to meet me half way with his understanding of how my mind worked for so long in the abusive marriage.

 

Thanks for listening, sorry so long.

[freestyle]

Wow--you've been through the wringer, I'm so sorry.

 

 

One thing you can do to help your bf understand, is to talk about it at a calm, relaxed, time---(like a Sunday morning , or afternoon, over coffee--when you don't have any "have-to-be-there's" )

 

Let him know what things trigger you, and reassure him that if you're upset about something else, that it's not about him......He may understand that.

 

And try to make an effort to make him feel safe in expressing his frustrations, or anger---it's possible that he'll feel like he has to tiptoe around you, which will lead to him repressing his feelings---(which will then come out as passive-aggression)

 

See if your T can recommend some reading that you could share with him--he may be willing to take that step, to increase his understanding.

[SunflowerKitten]

Thank you Freestyle!

 

I have explained to him over time what things I went through or how I was talked to, and he understands in that moment.

However, when something triggers his combat PTSD and anger issues, he will be sarcastic or just down right cruel with mocking how I think everything he says is negative or I take it the wrong way.

He will lash out at me verbally since I'm the only one there trying to help him talk through his upset or helping him calm down.

 

He knows he is always free to tell me how he feels, but the way he chooses to word things or his tone, sometimes is in a way that I won't take it well.

 

I actually feel I have to walk on eggshells with how I respond, so if he feels the same way of me, then he isn't forthcoming that to me.

 

Its all a learning experience I know.

 

Have a good week!

[freestyle]

You're quite welcome, SK.

 

The important thing is to keep the communication lines open.

 

You can set a boundary for not staying in the room, when he lashes out, however. Verbal abuse is unacceptable.

 

Hope you have a good week, too---and please post as much as you need to.

[SunflowerKitten]

Thanks Lion,

 

I wish I could share my journal entries here.

Its hard to explain exactly how his actions or his behavior is to me, but the examples or verbatom of what he writes or says, is loud and clear.

 

Explaining myself weither it be about why I think a certain way or explaining myself in response to him asking me a question, it leads to his saying I explain myself too much, so he was taught to believe if someone explains themselves, then they are guilty of something, but I was taught that if someone wants to change the subject or have a short answer, then they have something to hide.

 

When I explain to him how I interpretted what he said, and how it made me feel he then either responds with ok, I'm sorry, I'm wrong once again, or he says he can't tell me anything cause it always starts an arguement, or he just needs to keep his feelings to himself.

I feel when he acts like that he is being childish and me trying to keep communication open with him, ends up being useless.

 

For example: he will question me about a male friend, I answer him straight foreward and have no reason to lie and I have nothing to hide.

After I answer via text he will say, he will get to the bottom of it and ask the guy himself.

I take that as him not trusting what I have said, and that makes me feel he doesn't trust me, which isn't fair.

I ask him why he is acting so suspicious and he needs to have more faith in me. I tell him he can be protective if there is a need for it, but don't be controlling of me having friends.

He goes off the wall and thinks what I say is in left field, and that he shouldn't have even asked me anything.

 

I simply tell him, if its something serious, then wait to talk to me about it in person, then we will know each others tone of voice and if the other seems upset or angry.

 

Not sure if I have made much sense in my explinations.

 

Thanks.

[SunflowerKitten]

Problem is I wish i could see what he sees or what he refers to as hysterical.

 

I am not screaming at him or crying uncontrollable.

 

I generally am upset (crying) when he lashes out and has interpreted what i said or the type of person i am, if he interpreted it wrong (or not the way i feel he should have).

 

I have been very passive in the past in my marriage, where i didn't rock the boat to keep things calm, but that just caused harm for me because i didn't stand up for myself or have a voice.

 

For now though, i am in a new relationship,a nd we both are getting to know each other again and learning and seeing how our past relationships have hurt us and scarred us and changed how we once thought of life and people.

 

I am in no way perfect, yet he thinks i always think I am right.

I never say he does everything wrong, i don't nag, i am still in some ways passive, if i know he is roweled up and there is no way for him to listen to what i have to say, then i just let him vent and stay quiet, but other times when he is downright out of line and i don't deserve what he says to me, then i will call him out and let him know what i don't like or what he has done to upset me.

The problem seems to be, from what i can see, is he is not mature enough to hear that he did something wrong and he just wants to automatically respond with "i just can't do anything right. sorry i said anything"

or he will seem genuine and say he is sorry.

.....however, the pattern or his cruel words and outbursts will happen again down the road, so the pattern continues.

 

I can't keep hearing sorry if he hasn't learned what bothers me, or his apologies are not sincere.

 

I am a very accommodating person and i compromise, but i wont be the person i was in my marriage, i wont accept the same verbal, emotional, or mental abuse - this time from a different man.

 

I wont revert back to the scared woman i was 3 yrs ago.

 

I admit i am more emotional when i am upset, and still am ensure where or how to channel my anger, but i am very mild compared to the woman he has had before.

He has to learn with time not to compare me to the woman of his past.

 

As i said before, i need to find what he thinks is hysterical behavior.

 

I am sure it is no woman's intention to push a man away, unless she is too chicken to just say it is over (she is crazy), and then she tries so hard and intentionally wants him to leave her.

 

I wouldn't intentionally push him away, and can change my reactions, which i already have, i always stay level headed and catch myself if i could over react to something, so i think before i speak, but i wont change who i am to meet his needs.

The entire point of loving someone is you love who they are and what comes with that person.

Change is mild and it should be up to the individual, not forced by the other party.

 

I am scared that he wont get his PTSD and anger under control. I can't put up with that forever, i can't be another caregiver, like i was in my first and only marriage so far.

Of course my worst fears always stay close to the front to remind myself.

 

There are a lot of things that he needs to do to pull his weight int his relationship, not just in the communication and anger department.

 

I have to decide how long i help him through the struggles, or have to see if i am being used.

I can't invest my heart and time, money, kindness and my children's hearts if we are not important to him, like he says we are.

 

I always say actions speak louder than words.

[spiderowl]

I don't get the impression you are doing anything too wrong. It sounds to me like he is the one overreacting and being manipulative by suggesting you are starting all the trouble. You acknowledge he has PTSD and that's he's not acting rationally. He is being passive-aggressive, saying things in such a way as to provoke a reaction from you.

 

Having experienced this sort of thing myself, I know how it can spiral into arguments and battles and the whole family can get involved with most of them not knowing why. Meanwhile, the perpetrator gets off scott free because no-one spotted what they did. The reason it does escalate is that the passive-aggressive person always includes a little 'barb' in their comments that you can't fail to react to, or if you did fail to react it would imply you were at fault.

 

I don't think you should be trying to get your partner to understand you. He's not really trying to. He's partly provoking your reaction and then blaming you for it. Don't fall for it. If you really love this man and want to be with him, I'd suggest couples therapy. A good couples therapist will spot passive-aggressive comments and help you both to understand what's happening.

Edited September 20, 2012 by spiderowl