Do you think distance ITSELF can ruin good relationships?

[esstea]

I already know what you're going to say.

 

You're going to say "no, distance doesn't ruin relationships. It's the things associated with distance such as trust, communication" blah blah and all that.

 

But what if you're perfect with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but the distance is just unbearable? Like you simply just want to be in their presence. You want to sit in the car with them and enjoy those "silent" moments together without uttering a single word yet you'd still find solace and happiness with each other. The little things about being together in person I mean.

 

*Side question: How long do you think you can go without seeing your S/O for? (Before losing your sanity that is, haha)

[Balzac]

I've been LDR for about 13 months once while I did a research project. I arranged for alternating weekends together. Often added extra days to the together weekends. Not an ideal situation but tolerable.

 

Distance can and often does destroy a relationship.

[justwhoiam]

Do you think distance ITSELF can ruin good relationships?

Yes, if one of the two or both have issues with LDRs.

 

what if you're perfect with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but the distance is just unbearable?

You have an issue you can't put up with and it'll stress the hell out of you.

 

Like you simply just want to be in their presence. You want to sit in the car with them and enjoy those "silent" moments together without uttering a single word yet you'd still find solace and happiness with each other. The little things about being together in person I mean.

You can have that. Not his touch or the warmth of his body.

 

How long do you think you can go without seeing your S/O for? (Before losing your sanity that is, haha)

2 years. No LDR should go beyond that.

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, distance can ruin r/ships.

If neither of you are to able to move it can ruin r/ships which amounts to the same thing, cos if you lived closer/together things have a much bigger chance of working out.

 

Distance can end r/ships because it's unbearable being apart, and circumstances mean you're unable to move for the foreseeable future.

Like a form of slow torture really.

 

Different people handle different things, I personally couldn't go longer than 4 months without meeting up, unless it was a one off, but if I only saw him 3 times a year I'd be too unhappy. I see him every 6-10 weeks. Been doing this for 2 1/2 years.

 

I already know what you're going to say.

 

You're going to say "no, distance doesn't ruin relationships. It's the things associated with distance such as trust, communication" blah blah and all that.

 

But what if you're perfect with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but the distance is just unbearable? Like you simply just want to be in their presence. You want to sit in the car with them and enjoy those "silent" moments together without uttering a single word yet you'd still find solace and happiness with each other. The little things about being together in person I mean.

 

*Side question: How long do you think you can go without seeing your S/O for? (Before losing your sanity that is, haha)

[HeavenOrHell]

Everyone in an LDR has an issue with it, because none of us like being apart, doesn't mean LDR's are a problem for some people, or they have an issue with it, although some people would not be able to be in one, full stop.

I find it hard at times not being able to see him much, but I don't have an 'issue' with LDR's as such, wouldn't be in one if I did, for 2 1/2 years with no end in sight.

 

Yes, if one of the two or both have issues with LDRs.

 

You have an issue you can't put up with and it'll stress the hell out of you.

 

You can have that. Not his touch or the warmth of his body.

 

2 years. No LDR should go beyond that.

[justwhoiam]

I personally couldn't go longer than 4 months without meeting up, unless it was a one off

So what about that one off? What is the longest ever you could go?

[TaraMaiden]

It's not the 'distance'. It's the 'absence'.

 

And no, it doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

At all.

[HeavenOrHell]

Sorry should have said everyone has a 'problem', not necessarily an 'issue' as such, with LDR's, as they're not easy for anyone, or everyone finds it hard, unless they're able to meet weekly and /or have an end in sight, those things can make it easier.

 

As a one off, I don't know, ugh, possibly a year, but only if we had as much, or nearly as much contact as we do now.

 

Two years wouldn't work for me I don't think, unless we were moving closer at the end of it. One year is a horrible thought, two years feels impossible.

 

 

So what about that one off? What is the longest ever you could go?

[NoMoreJerks]

Depends on the situation, really. I mean, living far apart without at all seeing each other face to face is very hard to do. My ex lived halfway around the world but visited every month, and even a month-long absence was difficult for me, because I wanted to cuddle with him, and missed all the times that we spent together, etc. It almost felt like mini-break-ups every time he had to leave. But if both sides are making an effort to bridge the distance (saving money to visit each other, instead of wasting money on taking a vacation trip on their own elsewhere, as my ex did), talking regularly on skype (I mean, every day or at least 5 times a week), it might have a chance of working. But I just don't see how it would work out if no such effort is being made by both of them (the effort has to be mutual, btw). My ex was lazy and didn't want to put in any energy or effort into it. And I couldn't cope with him being away for so long and not caring enough to give me a call or understand that I needed to talk on Skype, if only to just say hi and hear his voice every now and then. It really sucks. What sucks more is not that it didn't work out, but that we got along so well, and I loved him so much, and we could've been great together. Maybe gotten married and had kids 5 years down the line.

[ambivalentwish]

I really like bits and pieces of what everyone is saying.

 

More than often it's not the distance but the absence of the significant other that makes a long-distance-relationship difficult to maintain. (Thank you TaraMaiden)

 

BUT the length of time a couple can spend without seeing each other truly depends on the couple. I have heard of some couples that can handle not seeing each other for long periods of time (up to 1 year!) because there wasn't much of an emphasis on "physical presence" in the relationship. HOWEVER, what I've come to realize is that sometimes in those cases (and from personal experience), the couple tends to adopt a sense of "comfortableness" that ends the relationship because "it feels more like a friendship than a romantic relationship." (if that makes sense...)

 

I agree with justwhoiam's response, "You have an issue you can't put up with and it'll stress the hell out of you." to "What if you're perfect with your girlfriend/boyfriend, but the distance is just unbearable?" Been there, done that. It's what ended my last long-distance-relationship.

 

Esstea, it's true! The things associated with distance such as trust, communication, etc. CAN ruin good relationship. It's just a lethal combination if the couple can't handle the "absence" mixed with lack of trust or communication.

[PepperPotts]

Distance can do it. I think if you don't have rules and a plan, you're in a lot more danger than if you did.

 

Yes, it's the little things that go along with distance (trust, temptation, etc) but those might not be a present issue in a short distance relationship. The distance is the actual cause.

 

I also agree that the time depends on the couple. Personally, I don't think we'd be able to handle more than four months right now. We'd suck it up and make it because we know this ends in May. But if a four month stretch had happened in the beginning of the distance, it would have been a problem.

 

And "able to handle" is a weird phrase for me to be using... I wouldn't want to break up with him if it had been more than four months... I just mean I don't think I could mentally handle it. I would wait for him for years, but it would wreak havoc on our relationship.

 

I think it also depends on if your LDR was ever short distance. We lived together, so I have things like missing him brushing his teeth beside me and missing waking up hanging half off the bed in the middle of the night because he's rolled over too many times. A couple that has been LDR the entire time still REALLY misses each other, but they could likely handle more than I could because their minds/hearts have been disciplined and trained from the beginning that the visit has to end at some point. Every time I see my boyfriend I have more trouble dealing with the fact that there *isn't* a "tomorrow morning when we get up" like there used to be.

[HeavenOrHell]

The distance is the cause of the absence though, no distance = no absence.

 

 

 

It's not the 'distance'. It's the 'absence'.

 

And no, it doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

At all.

[HeavenOrHell]

It doesn't sound like he was great for you though, maybe with more effort on his part things would have worked out.

 

 

Depends on the situation, really. I mean, living far apart without at all seeing each other face to face is very hard to do. My ex lived halfway around the world but visited every month, and even a month-long absence was difficult for me, because I wanted to cuddle with him, and missed all the times that we spent together, etc. It almost felt like mini-break-ups every time he had to leave. But if both sides are making an effort to bridge the distance (saving money to visit each other, instead of wasting money on taking a vacation trip on their own elsewhere, as my ex did), talking regularly on skype (I mean, every day or at least 5 times a week), it might have a chance of working. But I just don't see how it would work out if no such effort is being made by both of them (the effort has to be mutual, btw). My ex was lazy and didn't want to put in any energy or effort into it. And I couldn't cope with him being away for so long and not caring enough to give me a call or understand that I needed to talk on Skype, if only to just say hi and hear his voice every now and then. It really sucks. What sucks more is not that it didn't work out, but that we got along so well, and I loved him so much, and we could've been great together. Maybe gotten married and had kids 5 years down the line.

[BloomManifesto]

Hey esstea, I've been in a few long distance relationships, in fact I'm in one right now.

I can tell you from experience that distance doesn't wreck a good relationship, but you're both going to need to be strong independent trusting people if it's going to work out.

 

Also, talk to her everyday. Call her just to say goodnight.

 

Here's the kicker, it can't be long distance forever. If neither one of you is willing to move to be with the other at some point in the future, then there really is no future. I'm sorry if that sounds a little bleak. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

 

~ Bloom

[NoMoreJerks]

It doesn't sound like he was great for you though, maybe with more effort on his part things would have worked out.

Yeah, HeavenOrHell. But again, we saw each other quite frequently because he had lengthy and frequent business trips to the city/country that I live in. I don't know if I would've been able to cope with LD for more extended periods of time (the longest we didn't see each other was a month) even if he had put in the effort to keep in constant touch. I think it's one thing if you have met him in person and quite another if it has been a strictly online relationship thus far. Having met him in real life and spent almost every evening together with him for weeks, and having gotten into that routine, and then being unable to share the warmth of the bed with him, or cuddle with him, or put my head on his chest and feel so content and happy with that, is one of the most painful experiences I've had short of the experience of breaking up with him.

Edited September 15, 2012 by NoMoreJerks

[esstea]

WOW! What great replies! I wish I could reply to you all but I have read all the comments above so I'll just generalize my reply.

 

I'd have to agree with pretty much all the things that all of you said.

• Distance does not make the heart grow fonder, just sadder. Cynical, but in all honesty it's the truth.
   
   
  
• I'm surprised some of you said you could go a solid YEAR without seeing your ex. IMO, that would be a dealbreaker.
   
   
  
• Most of you said 4 months ish is the maximum you would go without seeing your S/O.
   
   
  
• Fun fact about my relationship (that may be a reassuring feeling for you) I'm not seeing my boyfriend for 6 months straight. It's not a reassuring situation at all. As much as I understand that it's temporary (he's studying abroad), I feel like that much time apart, especially since he's in a complete different country 3000 miles away, over time you would simply grow apart no matter how hard you tried and make it work. I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical. I'm really just crushing my hopes that this relationship will work out to be quite honest. Fore-seeing the pain haha.
   
   
  
• @nomorejerks I completely understand what you mean by it almost feels like a mini-breakup. I think everyone reading this can agree with you on that one!
   
   
  
• @bloommanifesto Do you think a relationship can thrive off only talking on the phone/skyping twice a week? But texting eachother here and there on a daily basis.
  

[ambivalentwish]

Here's the kicker, it can't be long distance forever. If neither one of you is willing to move to be with the other at some point in the future, then there really is no future. I'm sorry if that sounds a little bleak. Good luck and I hope it all works out for you.

 

I definitely agree. My last long distance relationship had this issue. I wanted to move on but he didn't agree. The stress was simply not worth it.

[justwhoiam]

I have heard of some couples that can handle not seeing each other for long periods of time (up to 1 year!) because there wasn't much of an emphasis on "physical presence" in the relationship.

I don't believe that was the reason for not seeing each other. I think most of the time, when the wait time is so long, it's because there are practical issues. For instance, the flight ticket for me is around $1,000 at best for a seat in economy. I was able to find one for $892 and I felt lucky

And not everybody can afford to pay that several times a year. And that's just to fly... In my case the distance is 5/6,000 miles. Some might have a lot more and either be students or have average/low pays.

[justwhoiam]

I'm not seeing my boyfriend for 6 months straight. It's not a reassuring situation at all. As much as I understand that it's temporary (he's studying abroad), I feel like that much time apart, especially since he's in a complete different country 3000 miles away, over time you would simply grow apart no matter how hard you tried and make it work. I don't know, maybe I'm just being cynical. I'm really just crushing my hopes that this relationship will work out to be quite honest. Fore-seeing the pain haha.

Find out how much he's willing to invest. You'll get an idea right away of how much pain you're going to go through. If you can agree things in advance, and if you both share the same views, everything's easier.

 

Do you think a relationship can thrive off only talking on the phone/skyping twice a week?

No. Maybe it can work for you... but if I were you, I wouldn't plan two days a week. For three reasons:

1) two days a week is not enough, for 6 months;

2) if you arrange fixed days to talk, you leave spontaneity out of your relationship, but you let in pain, because when you will need him outside those days, you'll have to wait patiently, and when there's some event (even unexpectedly) and you want to feel him near you, you'll have to go without him, and cannot blame it on him because those were the arrangements between the two of you;

3) last, but not least, your expectations might get flushed down the toilet when something goes wrong (connection not working, cell phone with no signal...)

 

So think about it before you regret it. For it to work you need maximum flexibility. And he does too.

 

Texting is fine, but it's dispersive, and I guess you can hardly have meaningful conversations like that. It's just hi, ILU and silly stuff. A real, serious relationship needs more. You need to see him, hear his voice, talk about things, etc.

[LittleTiger]

Late joining the party here but, yes, being separated from a partner for long stretches can have very negative consequences. However, it depends on the people concerned and how they deal with it, rather than the distance itself or even the length of time they're apart.

 

Kiwi man and I have been LDR for three years now, still 11,000 miles apart, still very much in love and still hanging in there. We skype every day, sometimes twice a day and often for two or three hours plus occasional short phone calls and texts. In the beginning our average skype time was five hours a day but that wasn't practical or sustainable in the longer term as we both have to work.

 

Last year we didn't see each other for a ten month stretch because neither of us could get away from home. It was a nightmare! We started arguing all the time, our skype time dropped dramatically and we almost broke up twice.

 

This year we're on six months so far in an eight month stretch. We're both putting in equal effort to sustain it but 'tough' doesn't even come close. On the plus side, when things do get really difficult we have learnt how to work through them to make things easier for ourselves and each other.

 

I don't really know what my limit would be time wise. At one point I said four months apart maximum but my heart is clearly more tenacious than I realised!

 

@ ambivalentwish - I disagree that there is the level of 'comfortableness' you mention. It is the enduring love, the strong friendship, the chemistry, the depth of emotional connection and our passion for each other that keeps us going - and these are the very same things that cause the arguments which threaten to drive us apart.

 

There is no reason why you can't keep the sexual spark alive from a distance. It just requires a little creativity. If an LDR is allowed to become 'comfortable' it's pretty much over.

[Berna]

Only people can ruin a relationship. Not everyone is for a LDR.

 

We were in a LDR for 11 months. What killed the relationship was that one of us wanted something more, the other one didn't. Distance had nothing to do with it.

[HeavenOrHell]

Would you have been more likely to work out if the distance wasn't there though? Or maybe you'd not have worked out anyway.

 

I can only speak for myself, but if my r/ship doesn't work out then it will be because of the distance, I feel we would work if if it weren't for that.

 

 

Only people can ruin a relationship. Not everyone is for a LDR.

 

We were in a LDR for 11 months. What killed the relationship was that one of us wanted something more, the other one didn't. Distance had nothing to do with it.

[ambivalentwish]

I don't believe that was the reason for not seeing each other. I think most of the time, when the wait time is so long, it's because there are practical issues. For instance, the flight ticket for me is around $1,000 at best for a seat in economy. I was able to find one for $892 and I felt lucky

And not everybody can afford to pay that several times a year. And that's just to fly... In my case the distance is 5/6,000 miles. Some might have a lot more and either be students or have average/low pays.

 

THAT too! I was in California and he was in Oklahoma. Airplane tickets are expensive!

[ambivalentwish]

@ ambivalentwish - I disagree that there is the level of 'comfortableness' you mention. It is the enduring love, the strong friendship, the chemistry, the depth of emotional connection and our passion for each other that keeps us going - and these are the very same things that cause the arguments which threaten to drive us apart.

 

There is no reason why you can't keep the sexual spark alive from a distance. It just requires a little creativity. If an LDR is allowed to become 'comfortable' it's pretty much over.

 

I was just speaking from my own experience and my friends that have related similar experiences. Like it's been repeatedly stated in this thread, "everyone deals with LDR differently." There are many variables that determine how well the LDR will thrive or crash and burn.

 

Creativity is DEFINITELY a necessity

[Berna]

Would you have been more likely to work out if the distance wasn't there though? Or maybe you'd not have worked out anyway.

 

I can only speak for myself, but if my r/ship doesn't work out then it will be because of the distance, I feel we would work if if it weren't for that.

 

Well, if it weren't for the distance probably it would have taken more time for me to realise that we are not meant for each other. The relationship broke when someone had to move in with the other one, so the relationship would have gotten serious with a big S. It may have broken at that point (or before) anyway.

 

This is why I am saying that it depends on the two people in the relationship. If they are both willing to make an effort and be patient for a period of time, it will of course work. I have an example of a friend who met a guy in France a year ago, they were LDR for a year but kept communication optimal and weren't scared of making plans of living together. That is what they did, they eventually closed the distnace and in a couple of months they are getting married.

 

As for my LDR experience, although we had a great time together and appeared to be pretty much in love, when he would leave the communication would just fail. In a way he would "forget about me" till the day we see each other. If we were both more eager to work on these issues and were ready for a more serious relationship, distance wouldn't have been an issue.

 

We are not trees anyway, we are not rooted in one place. And today with mobile phones, internet, mobile internet, Skype, Viber etc communication is quicker, easier and cheaper than ever before.