Do you think distance ITSELF can ruin good relationships?

[esstea]

Find out how much he's willing to invest. You'll get an idea right away of how much pain you're going to go through. If you can agree things in advance, and if you both share the same views, everything's easier.

 

No. Maybe it can work for you... but if I were you, I wouldn't plan two days a week. For three reasons:

1) two days a week is not enough, for 6 months;

2) if you arrange fixed days to talk, you leave spontaneity out of your relationship, but you let in pain, because when you will need him outside those days, you'll have to wait patiently, and when there's some event (even unexpectedly) and you want to feel him near you, you'll have to go without him, and cannot blame it on him because those were the arrangements between the two of you;

3) last, but not least, your expectations might get flushed down the toilet when something goes wrong (connection not working, cell phone with no signal...)

 

So think about it before you regret it. For it to work you need maximum flexibility. And he does too.

 

Texting is fine, but it's dispersive, and I guess you can hardly have meaningful conversations like that. It's just hi, ILU and silly stuff. A real, serious relationship needs more. You need to see him, hear his voice, talk about things, etc.

 

I have to agree with everything you said! I guess our needs are just not matching up. But it's also hard to dissolve a relationship when you're not 100% on board with your feelings because you obviously love that person.

 

Everything is telling me that this isn't going to work out but then again it is only 6 months.. But it is kind of long at the same time too.. I don't know :/ Relationships are harder than quantum physics.

[esstea]

Late joining the party here but, yes, being separated from a partner for long stretches can have very negative consequences. However, it depends on the people concerned and how they deal with it, rather than the distance itself or even the length of time they're apart.

 

Kiwi man and I have been LDR for three years now, still 11,000 miles apart, still very much in love and still hanging in there. We skype every day, sometimes twice a day and often for two or three hours plus occasional short phone calls and texts. In the beginning our average skype time was five hours a day but that wasn't practical or sustainable in the longer term as we both have to work.

 

Last year we didn't see each other for a ten month stretch because neither of us could get away from home. It was a nightmare! We started arguing all the time, our skype time dropped dramatically and we almost broke up twice.

 

This year we're on six months so far in an eight month stretch. We're both putting in equal effort to sustain it but 'tough' doesn't even come close. On the plus side, when things do get really difficult we have learnt how to work through them to make things easier for ourselves and each other.

 

I don't really know what my limit would be time wise. At one point I said four months apart maximum but my heart is clearly more tenacious than I realised!

 

@ ambivalentwish - I disagree that there is the level of 'comfortableness' you mention. It is the enduring love, the strong friendship, the chemistry, the depth of emotional connection and our passion for each other that keeps us going - and these are the very same things that cause the arguments which threaten to drive us apart.

 

There is no reason why you can't keep the sexual spark alive from a distance. It just requires a little creativity. If an LDR is allowed to become 'comfortable' it's pretty much over.

 

Omg I would IMAGINE! 10 months? That is relationship suicide... If you guys got through that I feel like you could get through anything.

 

From what I gather from everyone's answers, is that we ourselves (when put in long distance relationship situations), tend to ruin the relationship from there. Distance really IS the root of all cause. But I guess this poses another question as to whether or not the relationship would have worked without it... Really confusing situation haha.

[bluegreen]

What I have learned from my own experience is that girls are more grown up mature better suited to handle this kind of relationship.

BUT until guy is mature enough grown up enough "interested" in enough

( read that like in love like blind fool ) HE would not be able to or will have hard time doing it that's no fail I assure you once man is 100 % in love with you he may not want to will have hard time to but he WILL handle it cause how else he will get you?

 

Some relationships even after handling it passing all this with flying colors still don't work and one thing stays true its not where you are its who you are as person what your values are what kind of character and personality you have and he as well mine crashed and burned first time boy was that ugly experience.

Second time we both changed learned from our mistakes and actually really started trying and thinking of us like OK this is serious its possible and am gonna work do my best to make this relationship something that has future in it.

 

BUT we both decided that he is done chasing any easy skirt NO NO any more ME that I will do my best to overcome past and my instinct to run away instead of working out an issue with him and so on on other issues we had and faced.

 

You know when I hear people whining about 2 hours distance all I want to do is slap s... out of them if they can't handle that how will they handle marriage kids mortgage and maybe even moving to different country THEY WONT BE ABLE TO that's how weak they are.

 

 

See people you are with for who they really are who they wanna be and who are YOU talk to them but no between lines talk let it all out all scary ugly bad stuff and see what they say what will you respond and maybe you will realize OK this is it or NO its not but until you do it how will you know ?

[bluegreen]

Did I say something so profoundly smart that it had stopped this thread ?

[threebyfate]

If you want to be with someone that badly, why would it spoil your relationship? Relationships that fail long distance, are best left undone. It's not the distance that ruins relationships, it's incompatible people.

[bluegreen]

If you want to be with someone that badly, why would it spoil your relationship? Relationships that fail long distance, are best left undone. It's not the distance that ruins relationships, it's incompatible people.

 

 

 

Agreed : )

[LittleTiger]

I have to agree with everything you said! I guess our needs are just not matching up. But it's also hard to dissolve a relationship when you're not 100% on board with your feelings because you obviously love that person.

 

Everything is telling me that this isn't going to work out but then again it is only 6 months.. But it is kind of long at the same time too.. I don't know :/ Relationships are harder than quantum physics.

 

Esstea, when kiwi man and I first started our LDR, I thought I would never survive it but, as I said, 3 years and we're still 'together'

 

I also did 8 months LD with my ex husband when we first got together and that was in the days of snail mail and once a week, ridiculously expensive (and therefore short) phone calls. We survived for 14 years after that little ordeal!

 

It may not feel like it to you right now but 6 months is a very short time and it will be over before you know it. If you and your boyfriend love each other and you both put in the effort to make it work, you'll be just fine. I would recommend talking every day if possible though or, if not, then at least every other day. Surprise little text messages and occasional gift parcels are a great way to 'remind' him how special he is too.

 

Just remember that all relationships 'take two' and you will not 'grow apart' unless one of you allows it to happen. Good luck

[esstea]

Did I say something so profoundly smart that it had stopped this thread ?

 

Hahaha supposedly!

[esstea]

Esstea, when kiwi man and I first started our LDR, I thought I would never survive it but, as I said, 3 years and we're still 'together'

 

I also did 8 months LD with my ex husband when we first got together and that was in the days of snail mail and once a week, ridiculously expensive (and therefore short) phone calls. We survived for 14 years after that little ordeal!

 

It may not feel like it to you right now but 6 months is a very short time and it will be over before you know it. If you and your boyfriend love each other and you both put in the effort to make it work, you'll be just fine. I would recommend talking every day if possible though or, if not, then at least every other day. Surprise little text messages and occasional gift parcels are a great way to 'remind' him how special he is too.

 

Just remember that all relationships 'take two' and you will not 'grow apart' unless one of you allows it to happen. Good luck

 

8 months of dating in the not so modern era? Oh man. That does seem hard.....Your experiences have shined a light on my relationship. I guess it's not so bad. It's just hard when you're so in love with the person and all you want to do is physically be with them it's easy to get caught up in everything.

 

Thank you for the advice! It is very appreciated

[LittleTiger]

8 months of dating in the not so modern era? Oh man. That does seem hard.....Your experiences have shined a light on my relationship. I guess it's not so bad. It's just hard when you're so in love with the person and all you want to do is physically be with them it's easy to get caught up in everything.

 

Thank you for the advice! It is very appreciated

 

'Not so modern' is right.....and I am only talking about 17 years ago!

 

I didn't own a computer or a mobile phone and had never sent an email in my life.

 

Thank goodness, for modern technology. When it comes to long distance communication, we have it REALLY easy these days!

[bluegreen]

What we don't have is the fact that 20 years ago people where actually still honest decent and meant what they said commitments where respected and today for any little reason relationships break up even 10 minutes away ones ...

[esstea]

What we don't have is the fact that 20 years ago people where actually still honest decent and meant what they said commitments where respected and today for any little reason relationships break up even 10 minutes away ones ...

 

A tad cynical but there is some truth. It seems like the majority of people have the hardest time trusting one another these days. Everyone just ****s around. But that doesn't mean strong, healthy relationships don't exist. They're just super rare (and once you find something like that, it's best you work at it and do whatever to make it work!)

[bluegreen]

I am that am also sarcastic don't beat around bush painfully honest and few things but you said it yourself "super rare" but still exist if people as you said choose to be even "tad" more that then we all would be better for it ...

[bluegreen]

Come alive people : )) winter blues are still far away or at least should be

[esstea]

Hahaha winter blues are kickin in early I suppose All the summer loves are ending and hearts are breaking left and right.

Edited September 22, 2012 by esstea

[HeavenOrHell]

That's my point really, I feel if me and my partner didn't have the distance then we would work out long term or have a much better chance of it, for us it's distance which has brought us problems and the fact neither of us can move.

 

 

Omg I would IMAGINE! 10 months? That is relationship suicide... If you guys got through that I feel like you could get through anything.

 

From what I gather from everyone's answers, is that we ourselves (when put in long distance relationship situations), tend to ruin the relationship from there. Distance really IS the root of all cause. But I guess this poses another question as to whether or not the relationship would have worked without it... Really confusing situation haha.

[HeavenOrHell]

I don't agree it's necessarily incompatible people that ruin a long distance r/ship,

in some cases obviously that is the case, but some couples split up *because* they love each other so much that being long distance is just too painful and unfortunately we don't live in a fairy tale world where we can give up our current life situation to be with them, no matter how much we wish we could.

 

If you want to be with someone that badly, why would it spoil your relationship? Relationships that fail long distance, are best left undone. It's not the distance that ruins relationships, it's incompatible people.

[threebyfate]

I don't agree it's necessarily incompatible people that ruin a long distance r/ship,

in some cases obviously that is the case, but some couples split up *because* they love each other so much that being long distance is just too painful and unfortunately we don't live in a fairy tale world where we can give up our current life situation to be with them, no matter how much we wish we could.

This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. It's like cutting off your foot if you happen to be an excellent marathon runner.

[LittleTiger]

This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. It's like cutting off your foot if you happen to be an excellent marathon runner.

 

I don't want to speak for HOH, but my understanding of what she said is this: when two people are deeply in love but unable to be together, it can be an excruciating way to live. Yearning every day for something/someone you can't have and the loneliness that goes with it.

 

If there is no way to change the situation and the separation is going to be long term, the pain of longing could get too much to bear. In that case it would be better to break up and 'get over' the person. Eventually the yearning will stop, and with it the pain.

 

I think we all have different limits on what we find bearable. We managed 10 months, but if that time was doubled....? Who knows?

[HeavenOrHell]

LittleTiger explained it well.

 

Also, it's when the heartache which comes from being apart from them most of the time outweighs the pain of splitting up.

 

This doesn't mean it would be easy to split up, we did one time and it was more painful than being together long distance, but if it becomes more painful (because of the distance) to stay together then it might be less painful in the long run to walk away. Splitting up would be horribly painful and heartbreaking, but an LDR lasting years with no end in sight can be pretty heartbreaking too.

 

Basically both things are/can be incredibly hard, so you're having to chose which is the least painful of two painful things.

 

For now we're making the most of what we have and it's enough for now, but it might not always be enough.

 

This makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. It's like cutting off your foot if you happen to be an excellent marathon runner.

[Els]

Tough question to answer. It's tough to go without the little things that being in a ITR relationship have, yes. However, if both people feel so strongly for the other person that they feel it's worth the wait, it can often overcome that.

 

So no, I don't think distance in itself can ruin an amazing R, but it often exacerbates problems that are otherwise inconsequential to the point where one or both of the people involved reaches breaking point. I would say that it's the same as severe illness or poverty, in that case. Good relationships that would otherwise probably have been able to overcome the small bumps often disintegrate because the distance magnifies those bumps a thousandfold.

 

I did a several-thousand-mile LDR for 2 years that involved visits every 6 months - and even those visits were never guaranteed, we had to jump through some crazy hoops to make them happen. In a way, I think that spoke a lot to me about the commitment of my partner - if they are willing to do all that and more to just be with you in person, and they are happy to remain in a relationship with you despite the physical element being necessarily missing, you know that they aren't just in it for the good times and casual rides. On the other hand, it absolutely did exacerbate many problems that we could otherwise have solved much more easily had we both been there in person, and it really sucked balls.

 

We survived it and have been together for 4+ years and counting now, but I really am not sure I would have had the strength or perseverance to do it all again. If push comes to shove, I would rather even delay my career advancement and move with him than do an LDR again, or at least I'd explore all other possible options exhaustively first. That's how much I hate them.

[esstea]

I don't want to speak for HOH, but my understanding of what she said is this: when two people are deeply in love but unable to be together, it can be an excruciating way to live. Yearning every day for something/someone you can't have and the loneliness that goes with it.

 

If there is no way to change the situation and the separation is going to be long term, the pain of longing could get too much to bear. In that case it would be better to break up and 'get over' the person. Eventually the yearning will stop, and with it the pain.

 

I think we all have different limits on what we find bearable. We managed 10 months, but if that time was doubled....? Who knows?

 

LittleTiger got it dead on and I couldn't agree more. THAT much yearning for one another seems pretty detrimental; even enough that it could be unbearable to the point where being apart and cutting off that emotional connection would be less painful (in some cases, not all.) But this also brings into question if you loved that person so much, why not go through the pain right?

 

It's a very confusing situation. I guess to each their own and how much they can handle!

[esstea]

Tough question to answer. It's tough to go without the little things that being in a ITR relationship have, yes. However, if both people feel so strongly for the other person that they feel it's worth the wait, it can often overcome that.

 

So no, I don't think distance in itself can ruin an amazing R, but it often exacerbates problems that are otherwise inconsequential to the point where one or both of the people involved reaches breaking point. I would say that it's the same as severe illness or poverty, in that case. Good relationships that would otherwise probably have been able to overcome the small bumps often disintegrate because the distance magnifies those bumps a thousandfold.

 

I did a several-thousand-mile LDR for 2 years that involved visits every 6 months - and even those visits were never guaranteed, we had to jump through some crazy hoops to make them happen. In a way, I think that spoke a lot to me about the commitment of my partner - if they are willing to do all that and more to just be with you in person, and they are happy to remain in a relationship with you despite the physical element being necessarily missing, you know that they aren't just in it for the good times and casual rides. On the other hand, it absolutely did exacerbate many problems that we could otherwise have solved much more easily had we both been there in person, and it really sucked balls.

 

We survived it and have been together for 4+ years and counting now, but I really am not sure I would have had the strength or perseverance to do it all again. If push comes to shove, I would rather even delay my career advancement and move with him than do an LDR again, or at least I'd explore all other possible options exhaustively first. That's how much I hate them.

 

Wow every 2 years and seeing eachother for only 6 months? That is commitment. Gives me hope for my relationship!

Just out of curiosity, what problems arised? You mentioned the time apart exacerbated many problems.

[LittleTiger]

LittleTiger got it dead on and I couldn't agree more. THAT much yearning for one another seems pretty detrimental; even enough that it could be unbearable to the point where being apart and cutting off that emotional connection would be less painful (in some cases, not all.) But this also brings into question if you loved that person so much, why not go through the pain right?

 

esstea, there is a point at which continuing to live life alone in the hope that you will 'one day' be with someone far away becomes nonsensical - even for those of us who are head over heels in love.

 

Most people choose to be in a relationship because they want to share their life with someone. A LDR is not sharing a life, no matter how much time you spend on the phone or on skype and no matter how much you love someone.

 

Lets face it, can anyone here who has been in a long term LDR say that they can envisage themselves living this way for another 10 years? My guess is no. At some point, unless you are happy to live your whole life alone, and you do not want a partner with you for more than the odd weekend or a couple of months a year, it will become a pointless exercise.

 

Love or no love, it becomes more about wanting a good quality of life than the avoidance of 'pain'.

[Els]

If you want to be with someone that badly, why would it spoil your relationship? Relationships that fail long distance, are best left undone. It's not the distance that ruins relationships, it's incompatible people.

 

Weren't you the one who said, a couple years back, that an LDR is not something you'd ever consider being in and 'wouldn't wish on your worst enemy'? That phrase struck me as a fairly extreme way of perceiving LDRs back when I read it, so I find it strange that you're here now saying that nothing could possibly 'spoil the relationship' of people who want to be with each other badly.