Do you think distance ITSELF can ruin good relationships?

[Els]

Wow every 2 years and seeing eachother for only 6 months? That is commitment. Gives me hope for my relationship!

Just out of curiosity, what problems arised? You mentioned the time apart exacerbated many problems.

 

Mostly conflict resolution problems - we were just out of honeymoon stage at that point and just learning how to deal with conflict, and it is 32482362398x harder in a LDR. Also the fact that there was very little 'present goodness' to outweigh the exacerbated problems - it's like a bank investment that drains $10,000 from your account every month and only pays out a little bit every few months, til you reach a certain date. Y'know?

 

Good luck with yours. It really is possible, though it does truly test your mettle.

[threebyfate]

Weren't you the one who said, a couple years back, that an LDR is not something you'd ever consider being in and 'wouldn't wish on your worst enemy'? That phrase struck me as a fairly extreme way of perceiving LDRs back when I read it, so I find it strange that you're here now saying that nothing could possibly 'spoil the relationship' of people who want to be with each other badly.

The bolded couldn't have been me so either you misinterpreted (as usual) what I posted or it was someone else.

 

As far as not wishing it on a worst enemy, that does sound like me and if it's not, I'll claim it anyways!

 

But your reasoning is once again flawed. To dislike the vehicle doesn't negate that if a couple's compatible, they can make any vehicle work.

[bluegreen]

People change opinions change and as once great Albert A Said Only fools are afraid or unwilling to change trough the life.

This is not about who said what and why someone had to be really really really bored to go back few years and look up who said what and why ....

[LittleTiger]

But your reasoning is once again flawed. To dislike the vehicle doesn't negate that if a couple's compatible, they can make any vehicle work.

 

Do you think 'if a couple is compatible' they could 'make it work' if there was no way to actually be physically together more than a day or so every couple of years? Even if they are able to talk every day on skype?

 

Extreme case obviously, but as someone in a very successful 3 year LDR (by most people's standards), even having survived a very difficult 10 month separation, I think it is highly unlikely that anyone could make such a scenario work.....and why would anyone put themselves through such a lonely and tortuous existence?

 

To say that love and compatibility is enough to make any relationship work is either overly romanticising or extremely naive.

 

There has to be a limit somewhere, for everyone, where a situation will become untenable - regardless of how compatible or in love two people might be.

[Els]

The bolded couldn't have been me so either you misinterpreted (as usual) what I posted or it was someone else.

 

As far as not wishing it on a worst enemy, that does sound like me and if it's not, I'll claim it anyways!

 

But your reasoning is once again flawed. To dislike the vehicle doesn't negate that if a couple's compatible, they can make any vehicle work.

 

'Any' is an extremely nebulous word. To pose you this question, if you knew you and your H would have to be on separate continents for the next, say, 30 years, do you think you could 'make the vehicle work'? Yes, it is an exaggeration, to demonstrate that for everyone, there is always a limit. Where the limit lies depends on the individual person. It ranges from people who break up due to 3 months apart, to IslandGirl and her ex who were LD for about 7 years IIRC - the longest LDR I personally know - but there is always, always a limit.

 

Regardless, I find it strange that you are asserting your opinion of this so strongly against people who have actually BEEN in very long term, very long distance LDRs such as myself, LittleTiger and HeavenOrHell. Have you actually been in one yourself, at least for a year, at least far apart enough that you cannot see each other more often than once a month? Most people don't understand the sort of toll a LDR takes on you until they have been through it, honestly.

[HeavenOrHell]

I find it quite insulting that someone might imply, or say, a couple isn´t compatible if their LDR doesn´t work out, not that I need to prove to anyone what me and my partner feel for each other, or what many other couples in LDR´s feel for each other, but it just makes me think they have absolutely no idea what we are talking about; the heartache LDR´s bring, and the strength of feeling we have for our partners.

It´s the compatibility, love, and depth of feeling, that makes it hard, because we´re not with them sharing our day to day lives when we wish we were able to.

[HeavenOrHell]

Because for some people the pain of missing them takes over everything else and makes them miserable and they can´t live that way any longer.

 

 

LittleTiger got it dead on and I couldn't agree more. THAT much yearning for one another seems pretty detrimental; even enough that it could be unbearable to the point where being apart and cutting off that emotional connection would be less painful (in some cases, not all.) But this also brings into question if you loved that person so much, why not go through the pain right?

 

It's a very confusing situation. I guess to each their own and how much they can handle!

[Alban]

I am in a 4 year LDR now, and we had up and downs, but we managed to put everything behind and are still madly in love with eachother. We appreciate each other and value each other, nothing can ruin you relationship, doubts do.

[LittleTiger]

I am in a 4 year LDR now, and we had up and downs, but we managed to put everything behind and are still madly in love with eachother. We appreciate each other and value each other, nothing can ruin you relationship, doubts do.

 

I have to admit I am curious Alban, what sort of LDR are you in? By that I mean how far apart are you, how often do you meet up, how much time do you spend together etc?

 

You say you 'had' ups and downs - in my experience, there are ups and downs in every relationship, not just LDRs and if you really think you have 'put everything behind' you are probably being a little optimistic.

 

I am very surprised to read that someone in a 4 year LDR with 'ups and downs' can say that nothing can ruin your relationship except doubts! Either you two are superhuman or this is just another example of over-romanticising and naivety.

[esstea]

I have to admit I am curious Alban, what sort of LDR are you in? By that I mean how far apart are you, how often do you meet up, how much time do you spend together etc?

 

You say you 'had' ups and downs - in my experience, there are ups and downs in every relationship, not just LDRs and if you really think you have 'put everything behind' you are probably being a little optimistic.

 

I am very surprised to read that someone in a 4 year LDR with 'ups and downs' can say that nothing can ruin your relationship except doubts! Either you two are superhuman or this is just another example of over-romanticising and naivety.

 

I second the motion!

[bluegreen]

I have to say perfect never had fight we adore each other kiss kiss hug hug couples always creep-ed me out now don't go saying o you hateful monster how could you : Its just that all the time happy cheerful seems yes "seems" to good to be true thing its hard to buy in real live relationship much less in this kind of one.

 

Even if people are compatible there are issues come on be honest: their stupid friends, lousy families,work and school schedules, some of them love to go out and party, some are still chased by their exes, some of us are still being to and worst and ugliest one of all "cheating" IT HAPPENS and who cares why and let me tell you any of this issues can make you go from OK am pissed not talking to you to a screaming fighting match or break up permanent or for a while one.

 

 

Could this relationship go for years yeah it could if you are not quieter if you love them and they you and if you want it to work could it go for 10 years

NO.

But sometimes people even count differently how long they have been together like in my case and it does seem doubtful when you or someone mentions time and its O wow that long ?

 

At the end none of us have sure signed and sealed deal here even if we did people still get divorced left and right keep doing what you have been doing so far and keep fighting to change circumstances is our best hope and as they say hope is the last thing that dies in human soul .....

[LittleTiger]

At the end none of us have sure signed and sealed deal here even if we did people still get divorced left and right keep doing what you have been doing so far and keep fighting to change circumstances is our best hope and as they say hope is the last thing that dies in human soul .....

 

Spot on, bluegreen!

[bluegreen]

Thank You

[Pyro]

There are many examples of successful LDRs on LS where the people concerned have ended up living together or married. Are you seriously trying to suggest that if Elswyth and her boyfriend, or Pyro and CE ( to name just two) had been subjected to the likelihood of 10 years of separation (completely untenable no matter who you are) that incompatibility would have been the cause if they broke up after 7 years? That the distance would not have been be a contributing factor - in any way?

 

CE and I would have never stayed together if we were going to be a part that long. We stayed together and married to get rid of the distance between us.

[River Rain]

In my case, yes, the distance killed what we had. When you need to rely on technology for your sole form of connection, misunderstandings arise. When misunderstandings arise, doubt surfaces. If he and I were face to face, the challenges we had would not have had such a negative impact.

[Star Gazer]

Omg I would IMAGINE! 10 months? That is relationship suicide...

 

Not for me. I'm entering my 10th month right now.

 

How do you think military relationships survive?

 

Distance ITSELF does not ruin happy, healthy relationships. If anything, it makes them stronger.

[esstea]

In my case, yes, the distance killed what we had. When you need to rely on technology for your sole form of connection, misunderstandings arise. When misunderstandings arise, doubt surfaces. If he and I were face to face, the challenges we had would not have had such a negative impact.

 

And the side question? How long did/could you go for without seeing your S/O?

[Star Gazer]

In my case, yes, the distance killed what we had. When you need to rely on technology for your sole form of connection, misunderstandings arise. When misunderstandings arise, doubt surfaces. If he and I were face to face, the challenges we had would not have had such a negative impact.

 

See, reading this, distance did not kill your relationship. Miscommunication did. That's not caused by distance.

[Els]

Not for me. I'm entering my 10th month right now.

 

How do you think military relationships survive?

 

Distance ITSELF does not ruin happy, healthy relationships. If anything, it makes them stronger.

 

Hi SG, it's been a while.

 

Just to clarify, when LT talked about 10 months apart, she did not mean that the relationship only lasted 10 months. She may correct me if I'm wrong, but I think her relationship has been long distance for 3 years and the 10 months was the longest period of time they went in between visits. Not knocking your relationship, which I'm happy to hear about, but a10 month LDR and 10 months between visits are fairly different. Also, fwiw, I do agree that a 10 month LDR in itself is extremely unlikely to ruin a good relationship.

[LittleTiger]

Not for me. I'm entering my 10th month right now.

 

How do you think military relationships survive?

 

Distance ITSELF does not ruin happy, healthy relationships. If anything, it makes them stronger.

 

10th months of what SG? Your relationship or time apart when you haven't actually seen each other in the flesh?

 

A 10 month LDR is a piece of cake in my book - ok not a piece of cake but it gets harder the longer it goes on!

 

Yes, Elswyth, you're right. The '10 months is suicide' comment referred to the 10 months I spent apart from my guy. Turns out it wasn't 'suicide' because we are still together, but it was, nonetheless, the most difficult period we have had to deal with in our three year relationship.

[Els]

10th months of what SG? Your relationship or time apart when you haven't actually seen each other in the flesh?

 

A 10 month LDR is a piece of cake in my book - ok not a piece of cake but it gets harder the longer it goes on!

 

Yes, Elswyth, you're right. The '10 months is suicide' comment referred to the 10 months I spent apart from my guy. Turns out it wasn't 'suicide' because we are still together, but it was, nonetheless, the most difficult period we have had to deal with in our three year relationship.

 

I feel you, LT. That must have been painful. I was once in the "distance can only make you stronger" camp, when I was in an "LDR" with someone whom I could see every month or so, and knew that he would be coming back after just a year. it took much, much more than that to realize that at some point, there is a limit to how much someone can deal with.. For everyone. I understand why someone who had never been pushed to theirs, could believe that there could be none if the relationship is good. After all, 2 years, 3, 5, 10.. They are but numbers to everyone, except the person in that LDR. I genuinely admire you for holding strong after 3 years. At my 2 year mark, one of the few things that kept it bearable was that we'd be able to close the distance in the next 6 months..

[LittleTiger]

See, reading this, distance did not kill your relationship. Miscommunication did. That's not caused by distance.

 

That's just it though. Distance 'causes' miscommunication (amongst many other things) especially when you have no access to Skype and can't afford the crazy cost of phone calls from one hemisphere to the other. That's what happened during our 10 months apart. It didn't kill our relationship but it was thrown on very stoney ground and the roots started to wither.

 

In the end we had to borrow money from family so that I could fly over to see him. Not an easy thing to do in your 40s when you're used to being financially independent and comfortable but we weren't going to let pride, or the small matter of a world wide recession, get in our way. We wouldnt have survived without the month we had together to physically reconnect - physical time together is absolutely essential in any relationship - the more time an LDR couple can spend together the more chance they have of making it work.

 

I would challenge anyone to keep a relationship going, even where you live next door, if you couldn't talk to each other for more than five minutes a day (sometimes not even that) - never mind couldn't touch, hug, make love or spend quality time together!

 

Thankfully, things have improved massively for us since last year, especially on the financial front and although we're on month 6 of 8 months apart we're doing pretty well because now we have Skype and we can therefore communicate again. It makes a world of difference!

 

When you live 12,000 miles from the person you love, and finances get seriously tight, things get very, very tough. Sure, you could blame the financial situation, but since the distance was partly to blame for that too (anyone else aware of the cost of a 12,000 mile LDR? I'm guessing not!), I think it's safe to say that if our relationship doesn't survive, lack of compatibility will have nothing to do with it!

 

Anyone who says otherwise, clearly has no understanding what level of love and commitment is required to make a long term LDR work.

[LittleTiger]

I feel you, LT. That must have been painful. I was once in the "distance can only make you stronger" camp, when I was in an "LDR" with someone whom I could see every month or so, and knew that he would be coming back after just a year. it took much, much more than that to realize that at some point, there is a limit to how much someone can deal with.. For everyone. I understand why someone who had never been pushed to theirs, could believe that there could be none if the relationship is good. After all, 2 years, 3, 5, 10.. They are but numbers to everyone, except the person in that LDR. I genuinely admire you for holding strong after 3 years. At my 2 year mark, one of the few things that kept it bearable was that we'd be able to close the distance in the next 6 months..

 

Thanks Elswyth

 

It was a truly terrible time for us and I am very thankful for the support you, and others, gave me on the thread I started when I fell into a black hole.

 

Yes, you're right, to anyone who has no experience of this, they are just numbers, so I guess we can't expect them to understand.

 

For anyone reading this who is in a 'normal' relationship, perhaps you could think back to what you were doing 10 months ago. That is, in November 2011. Then imagine you hadn't set eyes on your partner since then and had only talked to him/her for five minutes each day during that time, and sometimes not at all!

 

Do you really think, if either of you had buckled under the pressure/sadness/loneliness that lack of compatibility would have been the cause?

[Alban]

I have to admit I am curious Alban, what sort of LDR are you in? By that I mean how far apart are you, how often do you meet up, how much time do you spend together etc?

 

You say you 'had' ups and downs - in my experience, there are ups and downs in every relationship, not just LDRs and if you really think you have 'put everything behind' you are probably being a little optimistic.

 

I am very surprised to read that someone in a 4 year LDR with 'ups and downs' can say that nothing can ruin your relationship except doubts! Either you two are superhuman or this is just another example of over-romanticising and naivety.

 

Sorry that I didn't respond earlier,

So here's my story.

We see each other ONCE A YEAR, and the thing is, we both know what we want, we both love each other more than anything in this world, in my eye's only people who don't love each other break up, cheat etc.

 

We talk everyday for about 1-2 hours, sometimes not but believe me that day is a sad day..

KEEP YOUR DREAMS UP, KEEP YOUR HOPE UP, AND BELIEVE.

Only we in a LDR know how hard it is in this situation, we overthink to much, we doubt the future, how could it be without that person etc. But you know, it is a difficult situation, there you have to think very much about how you want your life to be, and the SO has to have the same goal like you, a real relationship is build from both. Never underestimate the power of love

[Els]

Thanks Elswyth

 

It was a truly terrible time for us and I am very thankful for the support you, and others, gave me on the thread I started when I fell into a black hole.

 

Yes, you're right, to anyone who has no experience of this, they are just numbers, so I guess we can't expect them to understand.

 

For anyone reading this who is in a 'normal' relationship, perhaps you could think back to what you were doing 10 months ago. That is, in November 2011. Then imagine you hadn't set eyes on your partner since then and had only talked to him/her for five minutes each day during that time, and sometimes not at all!

 

Do you really think, if either of you had buckled under the pressure/sadness/loneliness that lack of compatibility would have been the cause?

 

I'm glad we managed to be of some help

 

I find it funny that whenever any example of hardships experienced during a LDR is cited, there are people jumping on the "ha! so there was another factor involved!" Bandwagon. Real life is rarely so simple that we can isolate factors from one another and prove beyond a doubt that there was absolutely no other factor involved. For example, if we lived in a perfect world where we didn't have to have jobs, financial hardship, family obligations, technical problems, immigration problems, etc, sure, most LDR s would survive! Why not, if you can see your partner whenever you want to hop onto a plane, emigrate to be with them whenever you want, never deal with the problems of them not being able to get internet or phone access, the list goes on... But if a LDR encounters problems die to lack of those, is it at all reasonable to say that "miscommunication" was the root of the issue when the only way they can communicate us through extremely expensive phone calls of poor quality? Distance might not be a problem if everything else was perfect, but we don't live in a perfect world so that point is entirely moot.

 

Just one point on this. CE was 24 when she moved!!! And Pyro has already admitted that, as compatible as they are, they wouldn't have survived either if CE hadn't been able to move when she did!

 

Not quite so easy for those of us in our 40s with children, elderly/sick parents, houses and successful businesses that can't be 'moved'. In other words responsibilities!

 

Not to mention that CE and pyro were reasonably fortunate to not have many immigration hitches. I know people who have been trying to bring their partners over for years who had not managed to, due to them not fulfilling some immigration criteria or another.