mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Well, talking as a man here. There's really only one thing you need to wait for. Sex. If you've had sex it's perfectly ok to ask if you are exclusive or to say that you want to be exclusive... BUT don't ever ask before because that sends all kinds of creepy signals! If i've only ever kissed a girl and she's asking about being exclusive or something along those lines I'm scared. VERY scared. It's creepy. Unnatural. Don't do it! Well, speaking as a father and uncle, I would tell my daughters or nieces to run like hell from anyone who wants to have sex before making a commitment -- implied or explicit -- of exclusivity. I would even tell them to save their kisses for a guy who is interested in pursuing only them. Be very wary -- scared -- of creeps who don't feel that way toward them! Otherwise they risk getting their feelings hurt, maybe badly. Yes, kisses might just mean that much to some young women, even in our coarsened age. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Until it is defined as we are exclusive, it is just "seeing other people" too. Let's put it this way, until we have a conversation that says "I only want to date you and take myself off the market to other women," then I am going to be open to other opportunities. Who knows, there could be someone else out there that is more "committed" right now. I assume until people tell me otherwise, they are seeing other people too. IT is only a problem if they are seeing other people when we decided to be exclusive. This really sounds almost like just a bunch of words with no meaning. "We are not exclusive until we are exclusive." Well, yes. If dating around is that much without emotional consequences, why bother being exclusive ever? But it all sounds like people using and being used. My instinct has always been simply to avoid such situations and save myself a lot of grief. The one thing you say that makes sense to me is this: until we have a conversation that says "I only want to date you and take myself off the market to other women," then I am going to be open to other opportunities. Now here it sounds like you're saying that you leave it to the guy to tell you that he wants to see only you, otherwise you're open to other opportunities. And maybe in this world in which there are no rules, and so many players, this is the most reasonable thing to do. Still, I think OP's sweet story is much more like what I wish things were like. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Well, talking as a man here. There's really only one thing you need to wait for. Sex. If you've had sex it's perfectly ok to ask if you are exclusive or to say that you want to be exclusive... BUT don't ever ask before because that sends all kinds of creepy signals! If i've only ever kissed a girl and she's asking about being exclusive or something along those lines I'm scared. VERY scared. It's creepy. Unnatural. Don't do it! Not true. I have friends and know plenty of people who will be "dating" and having sex with 2-3 girls at the same time and think it's ok because they haven't said they are exclusive. I don't know how people can be ok with that. Link to post Share on other sites
C-V-L Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I assume until people tell me otherwise, they are seeing other people too. IT is only a problem if they are seeing other people when we decided to be exclusive. Exactly. Couldn't have said it better. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Well, speaking as a father and uncle, I would tell my daughters or nieces to run like hell from anyone who wants to have sex before making a commitment -- implied or explicit -- of exclusivity. I would even tell them to save their kisses for a guy who is interested in pursuing only them. Be very wary -- scared -- of creeps who don't feel that way toward them! Otherwise they risk getting their feelings hurt, maybe badly. Yes, kisses might just mean that much to some young women, even in our coarsened age. I agree, I really wish more people thought that way. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 So, Suladas, care to say more about yourself? M/F? Younger or older (like myself)? I'm really interested in where you're coming from in "wishing more people thought that way." Link to post Share on other sites
C-V-L Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I agree, I really wish more people thought that way. Why? His thinking is scary. Girls are not some sort of trophy or prize. He makes it sound like one should devote their whole life into chasing a specific girl after choosing her (how? At random?). I treat women like people. Just like I would treat my friends. I don't commit my entire life to them for no reason. What if they don't want or are not ready to do the same? Why would one just assume because, you kissed, that's it. That's my soul mate. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Not true. I have friends and know plenty of people who will be "dating" and having sex with 2-3 girls at the same time and think it's ok because they haven't said they are exclusive. I don't know how people can be ok with that. This is exactly why I feel the need to wait for exclusivity. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I treat women like people. Just like I would treat my friends. I don't commit my entire life to them for no reason. What if they don't want or are not ready to do the same? Why would one just assume because, you kissed, that's it. That's my soul mate. Sounds like you treat them like commodities. I'm not talking about "committing your entire life." See my first post in response to OP about stages of commitment. No, except in some extremely conservative traditions where people don't even kiss before marriage, kissing is not deciding that someone is your soul mate. But there are people out there who only want to kiss someone who might be their soul mate. And a pair who feel that way might very reasonably want to explore that possibility without any other romantic possibilities in the picture at the same time. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 So, Suladas, care to say more about yourself? M/F? Younger or older (like myself)? I'm really interested in where you're coming from in "wishing more people thought that way." I'm 23 male. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Why? His thinking is scary. Girls are not some sort of trophy or prize. He makes it sound like one should devote their whole life into chasing a specific girl after choosing her (how? At random?). I treat women like people. Just like I would treat my friends. I don't commit my entire life to them for no reason. What if they don't want or are not ready to do the same? Why would one just assume because, you kissed, that's it. That's my soul mate. You are not committing your life. All it means is if your going on a date say in a week, between now and then you're only focused on that person. If you get a number, sure keep it in case things don't work out but consider yourself off the market unless that date doesn't work out. I really don't see why most people don't like doing it this way. I mean if a first date is good, I see no problem with a kiss. But I couldn't go on say 2 first dates one night after the other if the first one was good. Link to post Share on other sites
C-V-L Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 You are not committing your life. All it means is if your going on a date say in a week, between now and then you're only focused on that person. If you get a number, sure keep it in case things don't work out but consider yourself off the market unless that date doesn't work out. I really don't see why most people don't like doing it this way. I mean if a first date is good, I see no problem with a kiss. But I couldn't go on say 2 first dates one night after the other if the first one was good. I don't know what women you are dating, but women I know would be extremely scared of a man that took himself off the market after one date. It's too psycho killer/stalker scary. Link to post Share on other sites
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 You are not committing your life. All it means is if your going on a date say in a week, between now and then you're only focused on that person. If you get a number, sure keep it in case things don't work out but consider yourself off the market unless that date doesn't work out. I really don't see why most people don't like doing it this way. I mean if a first date is good, I see no problem with a kiss. But I couldn't go on say 2 first dates one night after the other if the first one was good. One date? Once a week? Wow! Some people are great on a first date, and annoying after 3. Other people are OK on the first date and really amazing after 3 dates. I like to give it a bit more time! Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Impossible to imagine seeing someone two or three times in a week if you really hit it off? Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 One date? Once a week? Wow! Some people are great on a first date, and annoying after 3. Other people are OK on the first date and really amazing after 3 dates. I like to give it a bit more time! I'm not saying to consider yourself with them or that you have to wait a week it was just an example. I'm saying if you make a date with someone, don't make another until you know the first one isn't going to work out. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Impossible to imagine seeing someone two or three times in a week if you really hit it off? Me and my ex had 3 dates within the first week. But then again we both considered each other off the market by the first date. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 sounds like you really hit it off, then went off the road somewhere. any insight into that? Link to post Share on other sites
GirlontheLam Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I'm not saying to consider yourself with them or that you have to wait a week it was just an example. I'm saying if you make a date with someone, don't make another until you know the first one isn't going to work out. Dating for me is like interviewing for jobs. Don't put all your eggs in one basket until you have an offer letter and are sitting at your new desk. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 sounds like you really hit it off, then went off the road somewhere. any insight into that? We did, we are next door neighbors, she was really into me since I moved next door last summer and really wanted to ask me out, she has been separated for 3 years and i'm the first person she's been with since. I wasn't into her until we started hanging out working on our backyards this summer. I though she was hot, but never thought i'd fall for someone that much older and with kids, but the more I got to know her, I realized how much we had in common and we both got attached fast. We both admitted to almost stalking each other this spring when we started hanging out because we really wanted to be with the other person, but we were both to shy to ask the other out. It was awesome, but i'm 23, she's 35 with 4 fours and twice divorced. When we were together it was awesome and I definitely could see myself with her, but the kids I wasn't 100% sure if it could work out. The kids made it a bit tougher because right from the start she made it clear, she would never have another kid which to me is 100% understandable, but a tough decision for me to make as I don't know if I would be completely happy helping someone else raise their kids and never having my own. She broke it off about two months ago, I was really surprised, but at the same time not so much. Every once in a while she texted me that she was feeling guilty taking time away from her kids, guilty that she felt if I was with her i'd miss out on a lot of things because of my age, and even said she thought I could never be happy with her and actually said if I found someone my own age without kids go ahead, she'd be happy for me. She was also very busy with a new job, kids on summer vacation, her ex was making her life difficult when he found out she was dating, and just said it was too much for her to handle being in a relationship. The thing that sucks is she won't talk to me since. We've seen each other outside a few times and exchange a simple hi but that's it. I've sent a few texts but all I got once was a "Ill think about it". Nothing else which sucks, I really wish I knew exactly what she was thinking. I mean she was texting me all the time saying she couldn't stop thinking about me, but it's hard to say if there is still feelings there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 Dating for me is like interviewing for jobs. Don't put all your eggs in one basket until you have an offer letter and are sitting at your new desk. Different to me. When you're looking for a job, you will take all of the offers and compare them and take the best. Not something i'd do with a women. Either they are someone you want to date, or not. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I feel bad for you. I was once in a somewhat similar situation, I was 25 with a 38 year old divorcee with 2 kids. She really couldn't understand why someone my age would be into her, and had a hard time accepting that that was just how it was. We parted, not so painful, because it had never been as serious as it could have been. Link to post Share on other sites
suladas Posted September 14, 2012 Share Posted September 14, 2012 I feel bad for you. I was once in a somewhat similar situation, I was 25 with a 38 year old divorcee with 2 kids. She really couldn't understand why someone my age would be into her, and had a hard time accepting that that was just how it was. We parted, not so painful, because it had never been as serious as it could have been. Ya it is. The worst part is not knowing, it was a good relationship I knew that, we were crazy about each other. Even though it was difficult with kids, her ex, her busy schedule I didn't care and wanted to be with her. Even knowing full well dating someone never married, no kids would be SO much easier, I still wanted to be with her. Part of it was also because we would see each other a lot, nearly everyday even it if was like 10-20 mins just talking outside or whatever. So it got really serious really fast. I think part of it was that, she was scared one day i'd leave her because i'd wise up or something. It would never happen though. I think single moms are also scared because they have been hurt, and worried about getting too close to someone and getting hurt again. I'm just trying to figure out if I should pursue her anymore or just leave it be. I've texted her a few times in the past two months and no response. When I texted her a week after the break up, asking if there was still something there and if she wanted to try things again all I got was a "ill think about it". Sent a hey how are you since, and last week one congratulating her on a new job but no responses. I'd rather be with someone even if it's one day a week or even two weeks who i'm crazy about, then be with someone everyday who i'm not crazy about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 seems to me the only real dealbreaker is whether she wants more kids or not. I can't answer that of course, or how important it is to you. Instead of texting, you might try writing her a really nice, well-thought, handwritten letter, telling her how how you feel and what you are thinking. Give her some time -- I'd say at least a month -- to figure out where she's really at. Meanwhile go chill out if you can. Accept whatever happens -- either it works, or it doesn't, in which case move on. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 recent -- potential? -- real? -- gf is overseas. Much anguish about whether she is committed to taking it forward. well, notice she took her profile down. we didn't talk about it. immediately took mine down. had been thinking about this for days. well, immediately felt peaceful, calm. want to move forward with relationship, with much more conviction. for me at least, this is the way to do things. Link to post Share on other sites
mysteryscape Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 No need to read the mind. Just ask: "Are you seeing someone else?" Nothat difficult to do. that was more or less my point. or, trust her to do the right thing -- worked for me today! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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