She's moving out!

[Keepittogether122]

Let me start by saying I am a complete wreck right now. My mind is spinning and having a hard time putting a straight thought together but here it goes.

My wife and I have been married for 21+ years. We have 3 children together ages 20, 18 & 12. We married very young but even though we struggled, it was the best thing for our relationship in the long run. We were married when I was 20 and she was 19 and had our first child 7 months later.

For the most part, our marriage has been great. From the outside, our frends were envious. We were almost always loving and the fights were far and few between. We were a normal happy couple. My wife quit school before we were married which was shortly after I came back from the Army. We both worked 2 jobs to make ends meet but like I said, this was good for us and made us grow up faster than most people in their early 20's.

After we found out she was pregnant with our 3rd child (surprise), we were devistated. We were both looking forward to having the kids out of the house when we were in our mid 40's and this new one would certainly put a crimp in our plan. In the end, neither of us could imagine life without him. He has truely been a blessing for our family.

My wife quit work when she was pregnant with our youngest and decided this would be a great opportunity to finish her degree. Financially, it was a big strain on our family but I knew how important it was for her to finish so we managed to pull it off. She worked really hard and finally accomplished her goal and graduated college around 7 years ago. I was so proud of her. she had a goal and she accomplished her goal.

Once she graduated she wanted to get started in her new career and put her new skills to work. After working at various places, she finally made the leap and started her own business. It was scarry but my career paid a descent salary and even though it would be tough, felt it was worth the risk of keeping her happy in her career ambitions. This is when the problems really started. Ok...let me back up, we had a major hiccup in 2007 when she was supposed to go on a guided Mt. Climbing trip with her step dad but he had to cancel at the last minute due to an injury. Even though she was hesitant at first, she decided to go on the trip solo since they would all be in a group with professional guides. The trip was going to keep her away for a week but I was happy for her to be doing something on her own. When she came back, things were different. She was distant, private, was not eating, etc... she was in an accident on the mountain and ended up saving one of her rope partners life when he fell in to a cravasse. She was traumatized so I chalked it up to that. Things still were not adding up so I finally asked her what was wrong? She didn't want to answer so I asked her if she was with anyone after the climb? She failed to call the day they were to come down from the mountain but finally called the next afternoon. Scared the crap out of me and her family but again, thought the trauma of the accident knocked her senses out. When she started to cry, i knew something was wrong. I asked again, were you with someone else we were trying to call you and she finally said "yes". Turns out some guy (27 yr old) she was 35 at the time, showed up at her bus after the climb and they sat all night together talking at the guide facility. He was local and was not part of her group but heard what happend and decided to drive back up to comfort her. The next morning, they both went to his place because he said he needed a shower and a quick nap before he would be able to show her the sites in Seattle. She ended up sleeping with him twice that day, went to see the Seattle and grabbed an afternoon flight home. It felt like someone hit me with a mack truck! I couldn't believe what I was hearing!

We went to marriage counciling with two seperate therapists then joined together after 7 months. As you can imagine, it was a very dark time in my life but we healed and I promised myself, I would learn to trust again and I did.

 

When she started her business 3 years ago, she was like many people who start businesses, she was a workaholoic, she taught early morning fitness classes 3 days per week + worked 75+ hours on her business. Free time was filled with catch up for work.

Work consumed her. She quit sharing household duties, neglected time with the kids and rarely did anything for herself other than work. I picked up the pieces by running the house because I thought it was helping her cope with the hard work of her business. Unfortunately, I was dead wrong! She feels like I am controlling everything, she can do nothing right & informed me the evening before labor day that she wanted to move out and start her own life. Again, I felt betrayed. I was right back to 2007 when she cheated on me. She refuses to go to a therapist alone or together. She said, been there done that. It didn't help.

Tonight she informed me she found an appartment near our home and plans to move out this weekend. She wants our youngest can stay with her the nights I am traveling for work and whatever nights we determine to share custody. She denies that she has anyone else and says she has no interest in anyone else. Just wants to be alone with our 12 year old.

 

I am lost, not sure what to do! Please help.

[2sunny]

Sounds like she's cheated/cheating.

 

Are there men at her work now?

[Keepittogether122]

She has several clients as she is a consultant. Some men, some women. I have asked her multiple times. Every way I can think of, emotional affair, physical, wanting an affair, etc.... she says no to all of them. Se says she would never do that to me again. Says for two reasons, the guilt she felt when she did before and would not want to hurt me like that again yet she is still leaving. No talking her out of it no matter how crazy it sounds in her head, she is adamant that this is what she feels like she needs to do.

[TaraMaiden]

It's very simple.

She's found a new 'her' and she feels you've moved apart, or she's moved ahead, while in her perception, you've stayed 'exactly where you are'.

 

It pains me to say this, but - I think she's gone, and you've lost her.

In her head, she's not even there any more.

 

She has what she needs professionally, but not domestically - and what she had before simply doesn't cut it for her...

If I were you, I would file for divorce, and for custody of the 12 year old.

When she sees the reality of what she's doing, and may be faced with having to pay you child support, it may have a more sobering effect.

You may not need to go through with the divorce, but if she sees you're taking this seriously, it may make her consider the options a little more sensibly.

[Keepittogether122]

2sunny, i have read through Peter's entire post over the last couple of days. I know you had several reply's to his thread. I can't believe how similar our stories are and often felt like he was writing my story! Only difference is we have 3 kids together, they are older and we have been together 22+ years, married for 21 years this past Feb. My wife is also on medication. mainly for depression. She didn't want to take it but after we started therapy this spring, our councelor convinced her to look into taking something. Finally went to the doctor and took zoloft but didnt like the way that made her feel so she quit. We finally conviced her to go back and find something else so they prescribed her with Wellbutrin. Seemed to help for 2-3 months. She seemed happy then all of a sudden, drops this bomb on me. Says she has been thinking about doing this for years.

 

Trying to hold it together but know I will sink even deeper if she moves out this weekend as she suggested.

[Keepittogether122]

TaraMaden. thank you for the reply. Unfortunately, I think you are right. She is so confident that this is what she has to do that nobody can talk sense into her. Our older ones are so angry at her that our 20 year old (who moved back home from college last year) will hardly look at her much less speak to her. When they do talk, they fight. They were close before all of this but has been witness to the changes since she started the business. Always stressed about money, work load, etc.

 

As far as the divorce goes, I asked her yesterday, should I be finding an attorney? Mainly trying to see if she is and she seemed shocked. She said that'ts up to me but she hasn't. Unfortunately, for me, her mother is a lomng time paralegal, her uncle is an attorney and her aunt is one of the most powerful women family/divorce attorneys in MN. She has been written up in several business magazines. When/if that time comes, I will need to find the very best out there and cannot afford that right now. She has put us in some debt. with her school and starting the business with little income for the first couple of years.

[Keepittogether122]

I know she will not go for the full custody of our 12 year old and that would only start WW3 if I filed for it. Even though she has been absent and focussed on her business for the last 3 years, she is still a loving mother especially to our youngest. I would not want to do that to him or her as weird as that sounds. Not to mention, I travel for work a couple days per week so full custody would not work unless I change careers.

[standtall]

Keeping it together. As a general rule, married women with minor children do not walk away from marriages unless.

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse

2. Physical/emotional abuse

3. Mental illness

4. 3rd party involvement

 

Sorry, but this is going to sound harsh, but you need to hear it. It is pretty clear in your case that she is involved with someone else and is lying about it. She has checked out on you emotionally already. She may have put her relationship on hold with this other guy to leave you in some misguided attempt to keep the 2 things separate, but make no doubt about it, she is tying up lose ends to be with him or someone else. Put your feelings aside, and get the nastiest lawyer that you can afford and protect yourself.

[TaraMaiden]

I know she will not go for the full custody of our 12 year old and that would only start WW3 if I filed for it. Even though she has been absent and focussed on her business for the last 3 years, she is still a loving mother especially to our youngest. I would not want to do that to him or her as weird as that sounds. Not to mention, I travel for work a couple days per week so full custody would not work unless I change careers.

 

I that case, keep it low key.File for divorce (she is moving out, after all) and accept/agree joint custody.

This doesn't have to be full-on war, but the fact is, she cannot declare she is moving out, then expect you to sit there like a rifle target and just keep taking the blows.

 

And I'm telling you, if you tell a lawyer her family has legal clout, s/he will reply - "So what?"

 

My H is in Law, but my telling someone that isn't any form of threat, and indeed, why should it be?

The law deals with the Law, not individuals.

if you go the legal route, check your rights, and go accordingly.

The entire New York team of Suits can't argue points of law, if what you're doing is reasonable.

 

No lawyer ever expects to come out on top every time - even if it is family.

[Keepittogether122]

Thanks Tara. I will certainly keep that in mind. Update. I flew home today after my weekly business trip and we went though some of the logistics surronding her move this weekend. She doesn't want to take any furniture that is in the common part of the house. Just a dresser, clothes and a bed from the spare bedroom. She did say she is going to seek individual counceling and may want to do joined later on if things are progressing. We both agree that no contact is going to be very difficult with shared custody of our S so we agreed to text & email only and keep it to matters with our kids only. One of my questions was about dating and she said she has no interest in dating anyone. She just wants to be alone. Said that could change someday but for now, that is all she wants.

 

I do not want to date either but she said if I did, she would understand as she is doing this to me not me doing this to her.

 

Standtall, thanks for the input as well. I don't believe it's drugs, etc.. and quite frankly, don't believe she is interested in anyone either. She did say that there are times when she see's a stranger on the street or in the car beside her and things, i wonder how it would feel to date someone like that. Said it's a fleeting thought and never sexual. Just wonders if they would think she is pretty. Did I mention she has self esteem issues? She is also very depressed and is medicated for this yet she hates anytime I bring up the fact that she may have a mental illness. Feels like I am blaming her.

[2sunny]

She's that selfish and self serving that she intends to break apart the family unit and think only of herself...

 

Demand that she move TODAY! Move all money to a separate account in your name only and cancel all credit cards! Change the locks on the house and put all her things out front - then text her to get her stuff NOW!

 

She wants to be out on her own - make it a swift and harsh reality!

 

Guard your children - she's only likely to think of herself.

 

File D papers as soon as possible - and ask for full custody - mainly because you don't know this stranger that she's become!

 

She's a full n liar - don't believe a word she says - she's cheating!

[Keepittogether122]

She is moving out this weekend. I told her I needed her out if she didn't want to be part of my life anymore and I will do just my very best to keep our contact to kids only! I know it all points to cheating. Have read several posts on this site over the last few days. I checked her cell phone records since it's in my name and see she has been texting several unknown numbers but again, she is a consultant and has several calls/text per day. Many of them are potential employee candiates for her consultants.

I do not dispute that she is lying about something but do not feel she is or has cheated recently. She has said on numerous occasions over the years that she would never invite that feeling of guilt into her life again. She had a one night stand in 2007 and then a week long emotional affair with the same long distance person until I found out and she came clean about everything.

One thing you need to know, she is not a good lier and especially to me. I have asked her point blank on several occasions whether this was someone else and she is adamant that is not it. I even said it would be easier for me to cope with this if it were and she still says no. She said, "I wish I could make this easier for you and say that I am but I am not! It has noting to do with her feelings about leaving".

Thi is still very raw and I am still hopeful things will pan out between us. I hear you on get a nasty lawyer now but wouldn't it be better to give it a month and see how things are progressing? Worse or better? Up until today she said she did not want to go to combined therapy but said she is now considering going to see someone on her own and hopes it can move into joint sessions. It seems the finality of her moving out is start to kick in.

[Balzac]

Hiring an attirney is a process. You'll need to interview several. You can engage one, explain your desire to work out the marriage and be prepared to gather knowledge and legal options. I encourage you to engage in the process sooner than later. I would also encourage you to keep this private. It's not as easy to find the best, good fit, attorney as many would have you to believe.

 

I'm sorry for you to have to be in this situation. It's sad and filled with anxiety.

[Keepittogether122]

Thank you Balzak. Great advice. I plan to start my search for lawyers on Monday. I took the day off of work.

 

Has to be one of the toughest things I have ever gone through. More pain than anyone should have to endure. I just hope my kids are able to cope but might look into having them see someone to talk about their anxiety around this as well. Especially our youngest.

 

I saw our marriage councelor privately last week and will continue with her until I feel better and have some clarity to my feelings around this separation. I just hope it feels better soon. I hate the feeling I have inside right now.

[Decisiontomake]

She's that selfish and self serving that she intends to break apart the family unit and think only of herself...

 

Demand that she move TODAY! Move all money to a separate account in your name only and cancel all credit cards! Change the locks on the house and put all her things out front - then text her to get her stuff NOW!

 

She wants to be out on her own - make it a swift and harsh reality!

 

Guard your children - she's only likely to think of herself.

 

File D papers as soon as possible - and ask for full custody - mainly because you don't know this stranger that she's become!

 

She's a full n liar - don't believe a word she says - she's cheating!

 

I'm really sorry, but I just don't believe in such harshness. Yes, it may be that she is cheating. Yes, her actions can certainly be described as selfish. BUT she could also just genuinely need some space to sort out what's going on in her head, and it MAY be that after that, the marriage will get back on track. As someone who married young myself (19, with my husband since I was 17), I completely and utterly get this. As awful and sad as this situation is, what about applying some caution to see how it plays out over the coming weeks rather than an "all guns blazing" approach. I know if my husband did that after I'd asked for some time alone, or whatever, that my stubborness would kick in and I'd fight back - it would just escalate a demise rather than potentially avoid it.

[Decisiontomake]

It's very simple.

She's found a new 'her' and she feels you've moved apart, or she's moved ahead, while in her perception, you've stayed 'exactly where you are'.

 

It pains me to say this, but - I think she's gone, and you've lost her.

In her head, she's not even there any more.

 

She has what she needs professionally, but not domestically - and what she had before simply doesn't cut it for her...

QUOTE]

 

Wow - feels like you've written that about me!

[karnak]

I only have this to say:

 

If she's not cheating, in case you split, sooner or later she'll very likely return to you.

 

If she's cheating/cheated/thinking of sex with other men you can kiss your marriage goodbye.

[Keepittogether122]

Great to hear your story. Sounds very similar. I am going to take the cautious route. I will start discussions with an attorney and give her space.

 

Thank you!

[eleanorrigby]

Great to hear your story. Sounds very similar. I am going to take the cautious route. I will start discussions with an attorney and give her space.

 

Thank you!

Give her all the space she wants and then some. It will help your peace of mind tremendously.

I married young as well, both of us 21, so I can understand a lot of your pain.

[Keepittogether122]

We just notified the kids. As suspected, the older two 18 & 20 were mad. They knew she initiated the move so they are pretty ticked off at her more than anything. Bitter sweet. Want her to feel the pain she is causing for what seems to me a senseless move. She has to sign a 1 year lease at this place. If she goes to work with her therapy like she said she would , could be a few months before she really realizes what she had done. If she decides to come back, she has another 9 month lease we are stuck with!

 

God please... send me my wife back! She is out of her mind and out of control!

[karnak]

Sorry to bring such a painful subject again.

 

She has already cheated on you once? Are you really sure there isn't any other guy involved?

 

After reading your story a second time it sure seems so. Hope I'm wrong.

[Balzac]

We just notified the kids. As suspected, the older two 18 & 20 were mad. They knew she initiated the move so they are pretty ticked off at her more than anything. Bitter sweet. Want her to feel the pain she is causing for what seems to me a senseless move. She has to sign a 1 year lease at this place. If she goes to work with her therapy like she said she would , could be a few months before she really realizes what she had done. If she decides to come back, she has another 9 month lease we are stuck with!

 

God please... send me my wife back! She is out of her mind and out of control!

 

What an emotional roller coaster. Blind and in a fog, trying to feel her way.

Your young adults must fear for her stabity.

[2sunny]

Was just trying to help you get into an OFFENSIVE position instead of being on defense (which is what she wants - YOU being at the mercy of what she does or doesn't do)...

 

So - a word of warning ---> watch out... You're about to get royally screwed over by her because you're not looking out for yourself.

 

Just saying...

[Keepittogether122]

I hear you 2sunny. I am painfully aware that this could turn worse if she is in fact cheating. I will continue to seek answers and see if there are any other tell tale signs that she is cheating. If I confirm, we are done for good. If I don't find compelling evidence, I will give her a month or two and do my very best to stay NC unless it revolves around the kids.

 

Karnak, it was my very first thought but I asked her again today and she said... no, no and no again. I am not have not been involved with anyone else after 2007. I don't want to seem like a crazy person so not really into the PI thing or trying to get into her email which I would be hard pressed to do anyway since she has numerous accouts with all of her clients...her computer has a pw that i dont know and now she is moved out.

 

Balzak, I was more mad than angry today... still cannot belive she is moving out tomorrow! wtF is she thinking this will do to our kids? she keeps saying our youngest S will be fine and will get used to having two places. Um....not that easy on them! Neither of the older ones trust her anymore...Oldest D told her mom she would not stay there even if she had a bed for her. 18 yr old S told her he would not accept what she is doing to the family and wanted it for the record that he disagreed with this approach.

 

Very frustrating!

[karnak]

As I stated earlier, if she's a decent woman she'll likely return to you after she's been single for a time.

 

 

Yet, I hardly can't see a woman leaving her family in order to be alone with a 12 year old kid, unless she's been the victim of physical or emotional abuse.

 

She has her mind set on something. And it sure doesn't look like "freedom & emancipation" (specially on her age).

 

In order to safeguard your mental health on the long run get ready for the worst scenario: if she carries on with her plans you'll probably see her with a new man before the end of the year/beginning of the new year (let's hope it doesn't happen).

 

Remember: you've your kids and your own life. Your life only depends on you, not her. Focus on that.