She's moving out!

[Gunny376]

And when she wants to complain about her apartment and anything else - tell her that's for HER to handle now! Tell her she needs to grow up and figure out things without you now! No more using you to listen to HER concerns - you have enough of your own to handle.

 

You are NOT HER dumping ground any more!

 

Damn straight! She gave up her bitchin' rights the day she walked out!

[Gunny376]

Your `investment` ( strange way to describe your marriage as that, but ok_) has gone south.

 

Sorry finance major in college ~ and all of that. Its just how they "

re-trained my brain" and way of thinking.

 

~What's in it for me?

~What's my ROI?

~What am I going to get out / from this per my investment of time, effort, energy and money (all precious finite resources)

[Gunny376]

huh?

 

you failed to mention `love`, the one thing that can be in-finite

 

 

and i`m sorry you find the OP`s situation funny

 

Love can be infinite ~ but seldom is. Despite the never ending un-dying testement of countless others. The only Love I have found to be constant and infinite is the Love of God and the Love of Children. The only love that I have found to be un-conditional. Certainly not romantic love.

 

And I don't find the OP's situation funny ~ this forum isn't exactly the best way of to communicate feelings and emotions from one human being to another, since 75% of all communication is non-verbal.

 

I have found that there is one absolute that has held true for me personally though, if not for others. And that's the ability to laugh. To laugh at oneself first and foremost. To laugh at one's own given life situation.

 

"I have found personally that I tend to live Life somewhere a laugh and a tear (I've seen it as I swing by" and that "Life is sometimes just to ridiculous to live!" ~ John Melencamp.

 

Sometimes? Oftentimes? We have to laugh just to keep from crying. I lost my ability to laugh, to laugh at myself primarly. I lost my sense of joy, happiness, and life. Its a precious thing ~ too precious to be lost. And oftentimes is all we have left when we have nothing else. I'm glad that I've reclaimed it.

[Keepittogether122]

Thank you for the post Chi Town. I have heard of the 180 plan but did not know what it meant. Your timing is perfect. I am traveling today and was speaking with my son on the phone before bed tonight. He was at his mom's new shi**y apt. I had a long day and I thought I would text my wife after speaking with my son to see how her day was. I asked her if she wanted to talk and she responded "sure but we need to do it via text because our son would was right next door and she was worried he would listen in. The entire conversation was pretty one sided. She was keeping it to one sentence responses for the most part and her answers were very open ended. During that conversation I realized something had to change in me. I had to go some form of NC or I would continue to feel like I am chasing something unreachable. The 180 plan will be my bible for the next couple of months. She is not the jealous type but if she sees me moving on, I'm sure she will freak out.

 

The changing the decorations of the house idea is great. Just cleaning the house will make her think something is going on.

 

Thanks again!

[2sunny]

Stop initiating conversations with her. She doesn't intend to tell you her truth. Any words from her are only designed to get something from you - and you've already ALLOWED her to ruin your whole life - so anything further is just begging her to ruin it more.

 

I'd tell her NOT to speak with you! Speak to your atty if she needs to know something!

 

Buy your son a cell phone and only speak to HIM on that to say goodnight when he's at her place.

 

Do NOT call her! Do NOT answer her calls! If your kids need something - they can call you directly!

[riverratt]

Sometimes? Oftentimes? We have to laugh just to keep from crying. I lost my ability to laugh, to laugh at myself primarly. I lost my sense of joy, happiness, and life. Its a precious thing ~ too precious to be lost. And oftentimes is all we have left when we have nothing else. I'm glad that I've reclaimed it.

 

I feel ya brother..I have gotten this back with in the past few weeks. Everybody noticed too. I am the one that keeps things light and is cutting up all of the time.

 

I think being a veteran has some thing to with that too. At first, I was closed off to people that had not "been there". I felt they couldn't relate to me at all.

[Keepittogether122]

Made the decision that 180 was the only way I was going to be able to move on for myself and the kids. I am taking our two older ones skydiving in a couple of weeks. We are all super excited! I don't plan to tell the ex. Quite frankly, it's none of her business. They are adults.

 

My first test of 180 has worked already! Last night I sent her an email saying she need to transfer $ into our account for her car payment and the agreed upon payment to start her repayment of her business debt. that I supported for 2 years. She agreed she owned that.

 

She reponded this morning via text saying she tried to get into the acct. but the username was changed. I changed it months ago because the bank made me update the profile. That tells you how friggen long it's been since she has paid our bills. I took that responsiblity over a couple of years ago when she started spending every waking hour on her business. I did it without complaining and without her even asking. Proof of how disconnected she really is.

 

I responded with short responses and gave her the information so she could transfer the money and make her car payment this is in my name (she had no credit until I fixed that for her recently). She texted back saying she had to run our son's homework to his school and internet availability was limited so "could you do it for me". Responded "I can't do it right now so you are going to have to figure it out now or wait until later when you have internet". Long pause..... then "ok". Then...."how is your day going?" My response. "fine".

 

180 is going to be a challenge for me but it gives me a new sense of hope. If it doesn't work in the end, well then it was meant to be and I will be in a better place knowing I am in control of myself not her. If it ends up working out and she decides being alone is not what she needed, fine too. I will again be in a better place to let her know I can make it in this life without her and so can our kids. Gut check... today is 75% dread 25% excited about me. Those number will certainly flip in time. I know that now.

[TaraMaiden]

It's worth just dealing with the 'practical' and leaving the 'emotional' unanswered and unexplored.

You're obliged to maintain LC because of your 12-year-old, but any "niceties" ("How are you? Is everything ok? How are you doing?") are all just best left hanging without response.You must understand that at this point, such questions are not genuine enquiries. They are attempts at relieving personal guilt....

She'll soon 'get it'.

 

And yes - those numbers will very soon reverse.

Maybe a lot sooner than you think.

[Chi townD]

 

The changing the decorations of the house idea is great. Just cleaning the house will make her think something is going on.

 

Thanks again!

 

 

Yeah, I'm telling you that if you want to make a major shock and awe factor with her. Make MASSIVE changes to the house. I'm not talking a deep cleaning and taking down a picture of flowers and putting up a picture of dogs playing cards. I'm talking new light fixtures, new paint colors on the walls, installing hardwood floors. New furniture, a chair runner in the dining room. New appliances. Track lighting. Home Depot should be your new hang out. And it will eat at her that you didn't run those changes by her. Then, she'll have to have a gut check and realize that she gave up the right for any input on the matter.

 

Women (even professional fulltime career women) run the household.What they say usually goes as far as to what happens in the house. Sure, they'll TELL us that it's a joint decision. But, lets be honest, as along as their idea's aren't too out there, guys are like, "Yeah, sure whatever."

 

Now, she'll see that you're taking the MARTIAL home and making it YOUR'S and not for the both of you. That's going to hit her hard.

 

 

And I'm glad that you're doing the 180. It helps two-fold. One, it lets her see that you are very capable of living without her and you've turned into the kind of guy most people like to hang out with. And two, if she still doesn't want to come back to the marriage, then the 180 has already helped you in the healing process because you've already started to disengage from the marriage.

[2sunny]

The joint account - keep minimal money in there - move all other monies into your name only!

 

For that matter - she can pay her car payment to you just the same as a bill pay. I used to set it up automatically so that amount transfers out of my accountant into the bill I'm paying - even rent can be paid to a private persons bank acct.

 

Good work putting the task back onto her - she was just seeing if you might still be her doormat and handle all her crap. Se can find a new man for that - the spot is now open for HER to replace you with another victim.

 

She's the walk away wife. She stayed u til she got her plan to run her own business... Now she dumps you after you supported her endeavors - you can request half of her business...it's worth asking. You helped get it off the ground.

[2sunny]

I'd tell her to stop asking how you are. It's personal - and she chose to end that "personal" part of the union when she moved.

[Gunny376]

I feel ya brother..I have gotten this back with in the past few weeks. Everybody noticed too. I am the one that keeps things light and is cutting up all of the time.

Alot of times you've got to work at it ~ you've got to force yourself to smile and laugh just to keep from breaking down and crying!

 

I think being a veteran has some thing to with that too. At first, I was closed off to people that had not "been there". I felt they couldn't relate to me at all.

 

No mutual point of comparission nor referenace point.

 

Keepittogether122 ~ Made the decision that 180 was the only way I was going to be able to move on for myself

and the kids. I am taking our two older ones skydiving in a couple of weeks. We are all super excited! I don't plan to tell the ex. Quite frankly, it's none of her business. They are adults.

 

My first test of 180 has worked already! Last night I sent her an email saying she need to transfer $ into our account for her car payment and the agreed upon payment to start her repayment of her business debt. that I supported for 2 years. She agreed she owned that.

 

She reponded this morning via text saying she tried to get into the acct. but the username was changed. I changed it months ago because the bank made me update the profile. That tells you how friggen long it's been since she has paid our bills. I took that responsiblity over a couple of years ago when she started spending every waking hour on her business. I did it without complaining and without her even asking. Proof of how disconnected she really is.

 

I responded with short responses and gave her the information so she

could transfer the money and make her car payment this is in my name (she had no credit until I fixed that for her recently). She texted back saying she had to run our son's homework to his school and internet availability was limited so "could you do it for me". Responded "I can't do it right now so you are going to have to figure it out now or wait until later when you have internet". Long pause..... then "ok". Then...."how is your day going?" My response. "fine".

 

180 is going to be a challenge for me but it gives me a new sense of

hope. If it doesn't work in the end, well then it was meant to be and I will be in a better place knowing I am in control of myself not her. If it ends up working out and she decides being alone is not what she needed, fine too. I will again be in a better place to let her know I can make it in this life without her and so can our kids. Gut check... today is 75% dread 25% excited about me. Those number will certainly flip in time. I know that now.

 

OUTSTANDING! SIMPLY OUTSTANDING!

 

Have you read any of the post I linked you to with Lady Jane? This is dead on with what she would have advised you. Put her in the postion of seeing that there's still a window of opportunity but that it can close at anytime. That you're still there, but moving away from her ~ distancing yourself from her. That you're a 'survivor' and that you will survive without her.

 

In any human endevor when we first envoke upon it, the "E=r" ~ r =R" equation comes into play. In which in the beginning it (anything the 180's, quit smoking, going to the gym, losing weight, learning a new skill etc) requires a great deal of Effort which yields nominal results, but with time, patience and practice? a little effort yields tremendous results!

 

Great job an attitude KIT! We're proud and admire your courage. This is what we've been trying to get you to move toward. We're proud of you!

 

Chi townD ~ Yeah, I'm telling you that if you want to make a major shock and awe factor with her. Make MASSIVE changes to the house. I'm not talking a deep cleaning and taking down a picture of flowers and putting up a picture of dogs playing cards. I'm talking new light fixtures, new paint colors on the walls, installing hardwood floors. New furniture, a chair runner in the dining room. New appliances. Track lighting. Home Depot should be your new hang out. And it will eat at her that you didn't run those changes by her. Then, she'll have to have a gut check and realize that she gave up the right for any input on the matter.

 

Women (even professional fulltime career women) run the household.What they say usually goes as far as to what happens in the house. Sure, they'll TELL us that it's a joint decision. But, lets be honest, as along as their idea's aren't too out there, guys are like, "Yeah, sure whatever."

 

Now, she'll see that you're taking the MARTIAL home and making it YOUR'S and not for the both of you. That's going to hit her hard.

 

And I'm glad that you're doing the 180. It helps two-fold. One, it lets her see that you are very capable of living without her and you've turned into the kind of guy most people like to hang out with. And two, if she still doesn't want to come back to the marriage, then the 180 has already helped you in the healing process because you've already started to

disengage from the marriage.

 

sunny he joint account - keep minimal money in there - move all other monies into your name only!

 

For that matter - she can pay her car payment to you just the same as a

bill pay. I used to set it up automatically so that amount transfers out of my accountant into the bill I'm paying - even rent can be paid to a private persons

bank acct.

 

Good work putting the task back onto her - she was just seeing if you might still be her doormat and handle all her crap. Se can find a

new man for that - the spot is now open for HER to replace you with another victim.

 

She's the walk away wife. She stayed u til she got her plan to

run her own business... Now she dumps you after you supported her endeavors - you can request half of her business...it's worth asking. You helped get it off the ground.

I'd tell her to stop asking how you are. It's personal - and she chose to end that "personal" part of the union when she moved.

 

Great advice ` this stuff is classic. The strategy is simple ~ "I'm a man, I've got my pride, I don't need a woman hurting me inside. I need love just like anyother.

 

Work the 180's ~ its a win-win for you either way, and if it makes her see the way back its a win-win for both of you.

[Gunny376]

In any human endevor when we first envoke upon it, the "E=r" ~ r =R" equation comes into play. In which in the beginning it (anything the 180's, quit smoking, going to the gym, losing weight, learning a new skill etc) requires a great deal of Effort which yields nominal results, but with time, patience and practice? a little effort yields tremendous results!

 

gunny you OK?

 

why are you highlighting Stephen hawking

 

THANKS! I never knew who originally said that! Just read it somewhere? I'm a newspaper, magazine, book, Internet self motivated, positive thinking, inspirational junkie.

 

It truly is a great quote!

 

Thanks again ~ now that I know who originally said it! I'll have to look him up ~ (I'm also a techno ~ science ~ Popular Science, Popular Mechanics junkie! Love the stuff!)

[Keepittogether122]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement all. I will take the joint account piece under consideration. I am similar to many other people in this world, not a ton of left over cash after paying bills so she isn't going to run off with much if she ever stooped that low. Pissed at her and seen sides of her I never thought I would see but she is not the type that would steal my paycheck because it would affect our kids too.

 

The other negative to this is her business account it tied to our personal account. She can transfer between the accounts and I don't want to cut that off. She doesn't have any other accounts so every payment she gets from a client has to be deposited into the business account which I have access to. What it boils down to is....I want to see the deposits and have a record of the transactions. She is no longer using our personal check card or account and has to run everything through the business account and will split everything else up at tax time. Seems complicated and I know there are other options but for now, this is the best setup. BTW, I am her partner in the business so I do not think she can just sell it out from under me or make major financial decisions without running them by me anyway. She is the majority owner so would be worth talking to the attorney about this.

 

Chi Town, great idea on the remodel work. Have been thinking about putting in Hardwood in the living room. I think that time is fast approaching. I also plan to re arrange the bedroom, get rid of the headboard she had me make for her and make as many other changes as I can. My motivation is not to piss her off.. I am doing this so I don't have to see the things we decided together.

 

Question.... we both decided that dating would not happen during the separation. I will honor that and I believe she will too to avoid the internal guilt factor. Is it normal to wear a wedding band during separation? I am still wearing mine and last time I saw her, she was too. Again, I have never done this kind of thing before so i'm not sure what is normal.

[Chi townD]

Hurts

the 180 is NOT a test

 

"My first test of 180 has worked already! Last night I sent her an email saying she need to transfer $ into our account for her car payment and the agreed upon payment to start her repayment of her business debt. that I supported for 2 years. She agreed she owned that"

 

Contradition? 180 is you have NO communication... at all. email, town cryer, bird, boat, word of mouth through friends, facebook, SHOUTING it from the rooftops

 

I responded with short responses and gave her the information so she could transfer the money and make her car payment this is in my name (she had no credit until I fixed that for her recently). She texted back saying she had to run our son's homework to his school and internet availability was limited so "could you do it for me". Responded "I can't do it right now so you are going to have to figure it out now or wait until later when you have internet". Long pause..... then "ok". Then...."how is your day going?" My response. "fine".

 

This is 180 again?

 

180 is going to be a challenge for me but it gives me a new sense of hope. If it doesn't work in the end, well then it was meant to be and I will be in a better place knowing I am in control of myself not her. If it ends up working out and she decides being alone is not what she needed, fine too. I will again be in a better place to let her know I can make it in this life without her and so can our kids. Gut check... today is 75% dread 25%

 

75% dread. 25 %...... what ?

 

You looking for your bollocks?

 

I`ll can tell you where thay are.

 

They are under the doormat.

 

She`ll wipe her feet on them on her way out.

 

LOL!!! Coopster! Cut the dude some slack! This is day 1 of his 180. You can't expect him to be an expert in less than 24 hrs on the 180. You know as well as I do that the 180 is ALWAYS a work in progress. Hell, I had to read the damn thing about hundred times before I got a handle on those things!

 

What the hell is bollocks anyways?

[Chi townD]

Thanks again ~ now that I know who originally said it! I'll have to look him up ~ (I'm also a techno ~ science ~ Popular Science, Popular Mechanics junkie! Love the stuff!)

 

 

"yeah, yeah.....Stephen Hawking. The wheelchair guy that invented time..."

Penny, Big Bang Theory.

[Keepittogether122]

Coops... Guess you are on the war path today huh? 180 is my plan to survive this hell. It's my first step for me vs. her. True, it is not a test but I have never been in this situation before, have never done anything like 180 in my life so in reality, it is a test. Everything in my current situation is a test. Even when I feel like I am doing something right (like writing the letter yesterday explaining my feelings and hope for recovery) was a test. Life is going to be one big test for me until this goes one way or the other. I know which way it is leaning which is why 180 can be difficult. I am a fixer and I know that about me. I have to let something sit broken, turn my back and do the very thing that goes against my grain. I know it's what I have to do for me but will not come easily. I need to change a 23 year old habit today.

 

As far as the 180 degree rules. I am going to implement as many as I can. I have copied them and have them somewhere wher I can access them frequently. I too will have to read them several times a day to make sure I am staying on track. I cannot go into complete NC. We have 3 kids 1 of which is still under our immediate care and we will be sharing our time with him.

 

I have never been the type to give her short general responses so the test I was referring to today seemed to work. I am confident she will start to get even more angy as I continue the NC (except for logistics revolving around our son).

 

Our oldest D is still not talking to her. Part of me thinks "Good for her" and the other feels like they should reconcile. I know it's not my place to help them do either but a bit sad to see D so angry that she won't talk to her at all.

[Keepittogether122]

BTW...

75% dread is certainly better tha 95% as I was a few days ago. Still think about this and her all of the time. Rarely a moment when I don't but the sinking feeling in my chest is starting to subside.

[Chi townD]

Day 1 of his 180??? Ok... i`ll give him some `slack`]

 

`bollocks` means BS.

 

You yanks have SO much to learn!!

 

Now i`ve read back,,, i meant his bollocks... his sack... you need a picture? jeeeez

 

Nope! I sorry to disappoint you. I'm not doubting your artistic abilities and your fixation of drawing ballsacks, and I'm not trying to take away your enjoyment of drawing male gentials (to each is own, I'm not judging you, just not my cup of tea) but I don't need a picture. So, you can keep those pictures on your bedroom walls for your own enjoyment.

[2sunny]

Coops... Guess you are on the war path today huh? 180 is my plan to survive this hell. It's my first step for me vs. her. True, it is not a test but I have never been in this situation before, have never done anything like 180 in my life so in reality, it is a test. Everything in my current situation is a test. Even when I feel like I am doing something right (like writing the letter yesterday explaining my feelings and hope for recovery) was a test. Life is going to be one big test for me until this goes one way or the other. I know which way it is leaning which is why 180 can be difficult. I am a fixer and I know that about me. I have to let something sit broken, turn my back and do the very thing that goes against my grain. I know it's what I have to do for me but will not come easily. I need to change a 23 year old habit today.

 

As far as the 180 degree rules. I am going to implement as many as I can. I have copied them and have them somewhere wher I can access them frequently. I too will have to read them several times a day to make sure I am staying on track. I cannot go into complete NC. We have 3 kids 1 of which is still under our immediate care and we will be sharing our time with him.

 

I have never been the type to give her short general responses so the test I was referring to today seemed to work. I am confident she will start to get even more angy as I continue the NC (except for logistics revolving around our son).

 

Our oldest D is still not talking to her. Part of me thinks "Good for her" and the other feels like they should reconcile. I know it's not my place to help them do either but a bit sad to see D so angry that she won't talk to her at all.

 

Your daughter seems to have a healthy boundary. One that shows she cuts off communication when someone she thought she loved screws over her family members.

 

That kind of boundary sends a clear an concise message other Mom = you betrayed us and I'm not happy you intend to screw us over!

[Keepittogether122]

Yep. she does. She saw her mom briefly tonight because she had to pick something up from the house for our son. Guess she got the cold shoulder from our D yet again. I know it bothers my wife because she texted to ask what time I got home tomorrow so we could coordinate me picking up our 12 year old. I kept it short and when she tried to ask how my day was and told me ****** still isn't talking to her. I ignored it and said I miss my son. I told her he should get off the bus and go to my house instead of her apt.. "my house" threw her off. She responded, "sounds weird when you call it My House". I told her you have your house, I have mine. No reason to confuse the two.

That was the end of the conversation. She said, "yeah, I get it... goodnight"

 

Not sure if she is talking with our middle son (18 yr old). He is coming home from college on Friday to head up duck hunting with me. First time home since he left for school and I doubt he will want to see her or her apt. He was pretty mad last time we spoke.

It will be good to spend time with my boys this weekend. We are all looking forward to it. Just hope there are ducks this year!

[Keepittogether122]

Coops,

The question I had about the wedding ring was to see what most people do whe separated. I would not act as if I were single and would not cheat even if I was given an opportunity. I still believe in my marriage vows as well and unless a divorce is final, I am still in a committed relationship.

 

I understand the confusion and may have been in a foggy state when I asked. Thanks for being my guardrail to keep me on the road.

 

Not sure where the ball sack keeps coming up but I'm sure there are other forums for you to discuss those in detail

[riverratt]

BTW...

75% dread is certainly better tha 95% as I was a few days ago. Still think about this and her all of the time. Rarely a moment when I don't but the sinking feeling in my chest is starting to subside.

 

Good deal

[2sunny]

For me - I took my ring off when I knew he betrayed me. It sent him a clear message - that he hurt me enough to understand he did damage that couldn't be repaired.

[2sunny]

I'm confused - is this poster previously hurts so bad?