She's moving out!

[Keepittogether122]

You are right about a million & one questions that's for sure. Good advice about everything thanks.... and deep down I know I have to work on me not try to figure her out.

Today is move out day. She signed a 1yr lease yesterday because she said they would not do 6 mo. She backed it up by saying she will move home after 3 if she is successful in thearapy and figures things out in her head but for me, I can't sit in limbo and just wait. We both agreed no dating while seperated and to be honest, I have no desire to date right now anyway. However, I am not one who wants to be alone either. I haven't been for 23 years (21) years of that has been our marriage. Being alone causes me more anxiety than anything except for the day she finds someone new if it ever comes to that. I know time will heal this and my thoughts will change but still in shock and denial that this is happening to me.

 

Haven't been in contact with her since our youngest S and I left the house yesterday. We are spending a couple days at my parents cabin. I did not want to be there while she was moving her stuff out of house we built together.

 

Fell asleep thinking about her and work up thinking about her! When should I start feeling better?

[Keepittogether122]

I agre with you as well Karnak. She has never wanted to be alone throughout our years either. It drover her crazy to be in the house alone more than 1 day without the kids or I there. None of this makes sense.

 

I have a question for all of you experienced LS members. I can be a jealous person and I know its something I want to work on. I have over the years and have learned to stuff those feelings of doubt when it comes to my wife and I.

 

With that said, I looked at her cell phone usage this morning after my last post. Everything about it felt wrong but I was really trying to dispell the thoughts in the back of my mind that she was cheating or interested in someone else.

 

When I looked, there were texts to a number I did not recognize. Started texting it after we left this evening then off and on throughout the evening and several one after another until nearly midnight! Over 50 texts in total yesterday alone! I googled the # and it gave a business name. Looked like a commercial real estate company. I did not do the reverse lookup because again...just felt wrong for spying. Should I quit looking at the cell usage? I also saw my daughter tried to call her around the same time about 5 times in a row from her cell and then one from home. Looks like she finally answered from the home phone. Every part of my jealous mind screams CHEAT! Should I look into the number futher, just lay in the weeds and gather more intel or confront her face to face and have a balls out conversation. Remember, she is not good at lying to my face. If she knows I can see instant text/phone records, she will get a new personal phone today guarenteed. I don't think she knows that I can see who texts from which number becaus she did not call the # just texted numerous times and looks like there were a few data images sent like she may have sent pictures but doesnt say to who. I envision she is sending pictures of her new place to someone... Ugh, feels like my heart is going to bounce out of my chest!

[mark982]

since her aunt and uncle are so great divorce attorneys,go see them...of course they won"t take your case cause it involves their neice, but it will stop them from being able to take her case conflict of interest thing.

[karnak]

I agre with you as well Karnak. She has never wanted to be alone throughout our years either. It drover her crazy to be in the house alone more than 1 day without the kids or I there. None of this makes sense.

 

I have a question for all of you experienced LS members. I can be a jealous person and I know its something I want to work on. I have over the years and have learned to stuff those feelings of doubt when it comes to my wife and I.

 

With that said, I looked at her cell phone usage this morning after my last post. Everything about it felt wrong but I was really trying to dispell the thoughts in the back of my mind that she was cheating or interested in someone else.

 

When I looked, there were texts to a number I did not recognize. Started texting it after we left this evening then off and on throughout the evening and several one after another until nearly midnight! Over 50 texts in total yesterday alone! I googled the # and it gave a business name. Looked like a commercial real estate company. I did not do the reverse lookup because again...just felt wrong for spying. Should I quit looking at the cell usage? I also saw my daughter tried to call her around the same time about 5 times in a row from her cell and then one from home. Looks like she finally answered from the home phone. Every part of my jealous mind screams CHEAT! Should I look into the number futher, just lay in the weeds and gather more intel or confront her face to face and have a balls out conversation. Remember, she is not good at lying to my face. If she knows I can see instant text/phone records, she will get a new personal phone today guarenteed. I don't think she knows that I can see who texts from which number becaus she did not call the # just texted numerous times and looks like there were a few data images sent like she may have sent pictures but doesnt say to who. I envision she is sending pictures of her new place to someone... Ugh, feels like my heart is going to bounce out of my chest!

 

Your gut is telling you something. And you sense something is afoul.

 

My opinion is NO: don't tell your wife that you're spying on her. Spying is wrong for sure. But also what your wife is doing to you.

You need to know if she's clean or if she's cheating on you in order to attain closure and peace of mind, right? If that's the case then stick to your plan. Your mental and physical health is the top priority here.

 

NEVER DO ANYTHING THAT WILL COMPROMISE YOUR HEALTH OR YOUR MORALS

 

Over 50 text messages and pictures to a single number in a day??

 

To show what? Her new place? What for? Who would really care about that? Apart from her own family or a lover I couldn't see who would be interested in such stuff.

Sorry, mate. But this story is getting worse as you give more details.

 

As for your jealousy issues, no woman ever complains about a certein degree of jealousy. It means that you're in love and are afraid to lose the person you love. It only gets bad if you become possessive, paranoid or violent.

[Keepittogether122]

Update. Spoke to our daughter this morning. She called and said her and my ex had a huge fight last night. Guess she has had the same feelings about something amiss. She has overhead her talking to someone that just didnt sound like a work type relationship in the past which is why she is so upset with mom.

 

My wife was not home when our daughter came home from work around 11:00pm so she started texting her to see where she was. Right or wrong, she seems to be keeping tabs on mom these days and I'm sure my ex is getting a little annoied especially since she is hoping move to move toward her new found freedom. Regardless, she finally called her from the home phone and she answered. She said she was on her way home and asked if she wanted to go see her new appt. while she brought some clothes over there and she reluctantly agreed to go. She said she confronted her mom at the appt. and asked if she is or has seen someone other than Dad and she said "NO... how many people are going to ask me about this???" . D dropped it and continued to look around the apt. and said she made a few negative comments. I guess it's not very nice of a place but she was limited on selection since she really just wanted to be close to home for our 12 yr old. They went back to our home since she didnt have any furniture moved yet and my ex went to bed.

 

That's when all hell broke loose. Her phone was in her purse and and going nuts. Guess she forgot to grab it before she went to bed so my D went to see what all the noise was because it was non stop chirping. When she grabbed the phone (Iphone by the way) it had around 10 texts from a texting app not the one on the phone. She couldnt read it since the phone was locked so she brought it in to her mom and said this thing is going nuts and who is texting you at 11:45 at night and why do you have a texting app? Those are meant for ipads not phones. Mom went nuts! She was extremely defensive yelling & screaming and told our D to "Get the hell out" she doesnt need people looking over her shoulder. I gues this went on for a while to the point where it escallated beyond control. D said she was crazy, making no sense and reminded her of a teenage rager between friends. She was even pulling her own hair! Once it stopped, they agreed to talk about it in the morning.

 

When they spoke this morning, mom explained that it was an old guy at one of her client sites. Didn't explain that he was only 50 (ex is 40) and the guy is her main contact or boss at this client. It's also the person who has been trying to get her to quit her business and come work there full time. Ex told me she was considering. I have never met him but she said in the past that he's just genuinly a super nice guy but has no attraction to him. He has been married for 30 yrs so similar story, married young. D told mom that she can't trust her when she continues to lie about where she is so she agreed to be more honest and it started this morning.

 

She said the texting app is because this guy's wife caught him texting her and confronted him about it so he creates this text app. and convinces my ex to get it too. That way his wife will not be bothered anymore. D asked her what he says and she said he will text things like "thinking of you", "hope everything went okay today", etc, etc.... When i suspected something weird about this guy before, my wife told me he did not know anything about our troubles. He is a business client! Guess that went to the next level now. I still don't think she would do anything with him but given her low self esteem, this fits right in to have someone interested in him.

 

God! I am so tempted to call this think on the carpet so I can move forward. I want to send the guy an email and tell him to stop this crap or my next call is to his wife of 30 years! This kind of thing will not help my ex figure out her issues!

 

What do I do?

[karnak]

I'm sorry, mate.

 

You must be going through hell right now. Welcome to the club. Most of the people here in LS (including me) have been there and survived. You will too, remember that.

 

As I always suspected this entire thing smells of Affair.

 

Your wife is acting in such a crazy way because she probably isn't reacting well to the fact that she's seeing another guy. There's an author called Michelle Langley who wrote an essay concerning this type of behaviour and female infidelity.

 

Your wife seems to be in denial. She herself can't accept what is happening to her. But, at the same time, she can't stop it either. Her life is like a train set at full speed towards a crash. No-one, not even her, is able to stop it.

 

I apologize in advance in case your wife is really single and I'm misleading you with my opinions. But this is all too strange...

 

The chat thing with another guy, the fact that she has no problems in contacting another guy even knowing she's jeopardizing his marriage. This is a mess.

 

Be strong, man. Ask your kids for support in these hard times. Now it's the time when family must stick together.

[riverratt]

This sounds a lot like my story..Married 20 years and poof.

[Keepittogether122]

I am sorry riverrat. I know the pain I am going through and would not wish this story on anyone. Today was certainly the hardest day so far. The news of the OG sent me over the edge but I still think it's just an emotional affair not physical.. With her self esteem issues, I am sure she is just leading this guy around stroking her esteem and my guess is he is hoping for much more. Obviously....

Our 20yr old D spoke to me this evening and said she looked him up on my ex's FB and said he is in fact older and nothing her mom would be attracted to. She wanted to send this guy an IM telling him she knew what he was doing and he is not helping matters but I told her not to. Going after him will only force him to go futher under cover and contact her another way. She works with him on a daily basis for crying out loud! It has to be her to stop whatever is happening or he will continue to push her in other ways.

 

I spoke to my W this evening for about 2 min. She texted to see if I left my spare set of keys for my pickup (which I didnt). Figured if she was moving, she should do it on her own. Not use my pickup. I asked her how today went and she started crying. Said it was her worst day today too. "very hard to move out". She said she needed to go because she was just leaving the store and was now fully crying. What a nightmare this is! Someone please wake me up from this terrible dream and bring my wife back!

 

Karnak, I would agree. I still don't think she has acted on a physical affair but she sure is acting like she likes the attention from him. Especailly since she is willing to be the one who is putting strain on his marriage. She is the OW in this guys wife's mind. Tempted to notify her somehow but could be worse if it ended his marriage he would do the full court press on her then.

[karnak]

Your marriage, as you knew it, is over. Accept the fact.

 

Even if you stay married and your wife returns it will never be in the same ways it used to be. It could be better or worse. But never the same.

 

It takes 2 to tango. But your wife doesn't want to dance anymore. And you can't dance alone.

 

The confusion and pain you're feeling now are perfectly normal. It's healthy that you're grieving. But you can't allow it to continue. You ahve to move forward. Live for yourself. Your wife checked out of your life to pursue her personal goals. It's selfish. She's only interested in her own "survival", so to speak.

 

In order for you to survive you have to do the same.

[Keepittogether122]

you are right... not sure how to do this though. thoughts of her consume me every waking minute (20+hrs per day)!

[karnak]

you are right... not sure how to do this though. thoughts of her consume me every waking minute (20+hrs per day)!

 

Things are still very fresh.

 

This is perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with you. You're just having a normal reaction. It's like being stabbed in the back. Your body and mind are still in shock.

 

You've gotta stay cool and take things one day at a time. Don't hurry things.

Be good to yourself. And remember:

 

We, on LS have gone through this and survived. So will you!

[Keepittogether122]

Thanks Coop & Karnak. I appreciate the positive posts. Tough times but will look forward to the better days ahead as much as I can. We had a family dinner out this evening. She requested it. Was awkward and but also felt good. She is working on setting up the appt. and sure it"s nagging on her mind now that she is alone more than usual.

 

One day at a time.

[riverratt]

you are right... not sure how to do this though. thoughts of her consume me every waking minute (20+hrs per day)!

 

And they will for awhile. Took me a couple of months. The only thing that did come out of it was that I am a better me. Get your friends gathered up. Good friends will help you out if anything they will talk to you. Go out and do things you wouldn't have normally done. Go out with your kids.

 

What was the hardest for me was music. We both love music and there are songs that I still have a problem with but there is other music that helps a lot.

 

Do something different..

 

You have to get up off your knees and move on. Very hard but with support you will make it..Most of us here did.

[Keepittogether122]

I think I need to pull myself away more than I am right now. Had a long conversation with her last night. She called around 8:45 and asked if she could come over and say goodnight to the kids where downstairs. I told her I had one of our mutual friends over. He showed up a bit earlier to catch up on things and show his support. His wive met my wife this morning for breakfast to do the same. She felt uncomfortable so she said, I will just pass on coming over but I insisted it wasn't a big deal and she should come so she did.

 

The visit was short, she said her goodnights to the kids and was about to leave when I asked her if she wanted to stay and watch one of our favorite shows that was back on with a new season and she had the nervous smile I love and said sure. We laid in our bed but she said she had a migrain headache from all of the crying she did earlier today so she didn't know how long she could stay. I could tell she was suffering. After about 15 min, she said, I have to go so I can go to bed to get rid of this headache and left.

 

Later that night, I have to admit, I was tempted to look at our cell account because I learned from our oldest D that I can see who and when she is texting or calling within minutes of anyone connected to our family acct. but I resisted. Thought to myself, I really don't need or want to know. I want us to work and if I continue to look over her shoulder, I will never heal. Not to mention, I knew in the back of my mind, she would be texting someone. I didn't look last night but after my sleepless night of tossing & turning, my curiosity got the best of me and I looked a few minutes ago.

 

There a a few numbers that she text a lot. Over 50 per day on avg. One # I found out works at the same place she has been offered a full time job. Happens to be the same place this older guy works as well but cross referenced the number in FB and saw his page. Looks like a guy a little younger than us and appears to be single. Not too much information available on his FB page because I am not friends with him althought saw he had a mutual friend (my wife). There was another number as well but I couldn't find any other information on it. She texted the unknown person several times before she called to ask if she could come over last night but then it stopped for the night. She received a couple from the FB friend when she was here with me and then looks like she answered with one text as soon as she left and 1 response from him.

 

It just doesn't feel right to look at this but it's there and tough not to look especially since our D came to me and said she has a feeling mom has someone else. D even mentinoned the name of this FB guy to me before and said she saw a couple of texts a few months ago that concerned her. Said they appeared to be talking about her mom and I. I know this could be completely innocent. Could be a friend trying to help her through this tough time in her life but if this guy is like most single guys, he sees her as fresh meat. Again, going to him will only push them to find a more private way to communicate and would guess my wife's texting buddys would go undercover from then on.

 

Do I confront her? Have a serious conversation with her and tell her I know she is talking to other guys at inappropriate hours and it needs to stop or we are finished no matter how much therapy either of us gets? Do I let this lay and hope she figures it out on her own? Again, could be innocent and the 2nd # is unknown if it is a guy or girl but my gut tells me it's yet another guy.

 

This limbo thing is what sucks the most. If I confirm she is cheating, I need to be done done.. No more waiting for her to figure things out. We had an agreement before she moved out that we would not date or enter into ANY relationships (physical or emotional) for now and would tell each other if that feeling ever changed. Could I be overreacting given my current mental state?

[Gunny376]

No more mr. Nice guy! Quit being a smuck! She's cheating and blowing smoke up your azz! She's pizzing on your leg and telling you its just raining on you!

[Keepittogether122]

Confront her or let this thing drag on longer? Not healthy for my D or myself to continue this PI crap. Doesn't feel right and really don't have the time to watch her every move either. Trust is one of the most important things in any relationship but I don't want to throw away the chance to salvage this marriage if I am over reacting.

I understand what this looks like from the outside Gunny. And you are right, I do appear to be the smuck and It reeks of cheating but we haven't made it 21 yrs by flying off the handle on assumptions. I need proof whether that is by her admitting or I catch something other than text messages to some guy(s). She may be pizzing on my leg but it could be raining too!

 

I appreciate everyon's advice on here and I know you all have more experience at this than I do. I just can't bring myself to throwing everything away yet. All indications from her are that she is wanting to work on her then us. She has told me this as well as the kids. She knows our D has suspicion since she told her this when she found out about the text app guy. When then I see the frequency and timing of her texts to the FB guy my mind goes to the negative.

 

Confront with backup of the texts? Let D continue on her quest for answers?, drop it? What is the right answer?

[Gunny376]

Define "Cheating" There's cheating and then there's cheating. As I told the XHEX years upon years ago, back before there was an internet, Divorcebusting, the 180's, e-mail, yada~yada.

 

"At the very least, you're having an emotional affair on my happy azz!"

 

I was with the XHEX for only ten years at the time. I knew in the "crawl" of my very being something was up. You don't live with someone that long, sleep with them day in and day out, etc without "Knowing" You don't need a PI, you don't need to call "Cheaters" nor confront her on Jerry Springer?

 

YOU KNOW!

[habs53]

This happened to me several years ago and i heard all the she found herself crap bla bla bla. She is cheating on you hands down.

 

Gunny gave me the best advise on here but i refused to listen to his very very good advise. I couldnt get my head out of the fog.

 

Get yourself a good lawyer and do absolute nothing for her. Go let her find herself haha. Ask her if she needs a map. lol

[Keepittogether122]

So your suggestion is to just file for divorce without figuring this thing out first? I know what I think deep down and I'm with you there but have been wrong at this kind of thinking before. She has too and and she was dead wrong about what she perceived as truth and the actual truth.

 

Not trying to cover for her. Emotional affair, f**king this guy or not. It all points to cheating. I will need confirmation before I just throw this relationship and mother to my kids away. She couldnt't bring herself to working on our marriage before leaving and that was wrong. I refuse to put myself in that same catagory. I owe it to our kids.

 

Looking for advice with confronting her. Ideas? Let D do what she has been wanting to do and confront her with the fact that she saw previous texts from him? I have been holding D back at this point.

Do I have the conversation with her and if she denys ask her to prove it by showing me her phone?

 

I dont want her to know I can see the records.

[standtall]

She has checked out...what more is there to see? You can't force her to love you back nor force her to change. You may guilt trip her into a temporary return, but she has to want you. You playing doormat and inviting her to stay is a form of boot licking, and is not helping win her back. Women do not love men they do not respect, so step letting her walk all over you, man up and act like you don't give a s*** what she does. Keep yourself busy, get outta the house, get in the gym, get off the xbox/computer/ whatever, and earn that respect.

[Chi townD]

Dude, she's getting texts from a "business associate" at damn near midnight? Sorry, there's no business that needs to be conducted THAT late at night.

 

Just her reaction to your daughter giving her the phone and explaining that, THAT particular apps works on an ipad.

 

HOWEVER!!!! You said she has an iphone right? Chances are she charged up that phone on the home computer. If this is the case, that phone has probably sync'd up with that computer. Therefore, there's a hidden file on that computer that has every text conversation on that phone in that file!

 

You need to pull up software and download it to the computer so you can get access to that file. Google search iphone file extractor.

 

Maybe your home computer will give you the answers you need.

[Keepittogether122]

I plan to do just that. I set up a meeting to confront her this afternoon. I will not take any excuses and I will tell her I am confident she is cheating just like our D. Not putting her in the middle just confirming that this isn't just her crazy husband obsessing. I plan to tell her I am having this conversation in place of our D because I don't think our kids should be in the middle of this even if D is a 20yr old adult. If she denies, I will have her show me her phone.

 

Make no mistake, I will not let her off the hook unless see that this guy is either a Gay friend (which doesn't seem far off by looking at his FB page) or I see proof that he is texting her advise on how to save our marriage vs. f**K him. If she won't show me the phone, it will be my indication that she is guilty.

 

If she is guilty, I can guarentee she will lose more than her doormat husband as you have said. I will keep my findings quiet from our kids but would guess our D will know what happend when I file for divorce and won't keep it quiet to our 18 yr. old. Her wish of getting alone time will come true all too soon if she is guilty because I know the kids have said they will never forgive her no matter what I say to them.

 

Please let him be gay!

[Keepittogether122]

Chitown,

She only uses her personal Macbook which is her work computer. She has a PW on that as well due to personnel files she keeps on there from her clients. She does have Icloud though. My guess is that syncs everything wirelessly right? Don't know her itunes pw thought. Maybe our D knows?

[Chi townD]

Chitown,

She only uses her personal Macbook which is her work computer. She has a PW on that as well due to personnel files she keeps on there from her clients. She does have Icloud though. My guess is that syncs everything wirelessly right? Don't know her itunes pw thought. Maybe our D knows?

 

 

Worth looking into before you confront. Here's the deal ( and it's pretty universal) a cheater will only admit to what you know. Without concrete evidence, she will deny, deny and deny. Even if the guilt gets to her and she admits to something (without concrete evidence) she will only admit to the bare minimum to make it seem not as bad as what it truely is.

[karnak]

Having an affair and swearing to the spouse that it's false is disgusting.

 

It's like firing a shotgun in someone's face at point blank.

 

Please, stop acting like that.

 

The fact that your daughter suspects her mother is having an affair is almost 100% proof. Women rarely miss on these kind of things (specially when it involves another woman).

 

She has commited the ultimate betrayal. Your best friend in the world is no longer your friend.

 

And, if she is indeed cheating she'll never look at you with the same respect again. Even if you reconcile.

It's twisted I know. But that's how women perceive things.

 

When they cheat on a man they break something very important in the relationship. From now on their man is seen as "damaged goods". Amazing, considering that it is them who do the damage. But that's how it works.