She's moving out!

[habs53]

Having an affair and swearing to the spouse that it's false is disgusting.

 

It's like firing a shotgun in someone's face at point blank.

 

Please, stop acting like that.

 

The fact that your daughter suspects her mother is having an affair is almost 100% proof. Women rarely miss on these kind of things (specially when it involves another woman).

 

She has commited the ultimate betrayal. Your best friend in the world is no longer your friend.

 

And, if she is indeed cheating she'll never look at you with the same respect again. Even if you reconcile.

It's twisted I know. But that's how women perceive things.

 

When they cheat on a man they break something very important in the relationship. From now on their man is seen as "damaged goods". Amazing, considering that it is them who do the damage. But that's how it works.

 

This is all true. My ex has no respect left at all for me or even pretty much herself after she pulled this crap. Only reaction i ever got from her is when i started dating a woman 13 years younger than her who my boy really likes. Funny creatures woman can be, very very jealous even after what happened.

[Keepittogether122]

She is not the jealous type so I would be very surprised if she has a problem when I start to date. Have to admit, would be bitter sweet but can't even think of that right now.

 

Karnak, I agree... my D came to me with concerns and most of them are valid. She has made assumptions about some things in the past that ended up being untrue and made a huge mess of things so I am slightly on guard about that too.

 

I will keep you all posted after the meeting with her this afternoon.

[karnak]

She is not the jealous type so I would be very surprised if she has a problem when I start to date. Have to admit, would be bitter sweet but can't even think of that right now.

 

Believe me, man. If you ever separate, you'll see your wife doing things that you never believed possible.

 

That's because, as they grow older they begin to unleash their hidden fantasies and fetishes upon the world. Things long kept hidden for fear of social or family disaproval suddenly come to the light.

 

And usually, those are not very nice things. And what is worst: it's part of their true nature.

[Keepittogether122]

Just witnessed a side of her I've never seen before. I had the talk with her. Told her our D was on the hunt for information and I told her not to confront you with it since it's really not her place to do so. Well, the conversation went well in the beginning. I told her that I knew about the text app and asked her if she thought it was inappropriate. She said when our D brought it up to her at first, she was angry because there was nothing going on. She said she should have done a gut check when he showed up on her text app. BTW.... I told her about the text app months ago because we both got Ipads and I don't like texting on my work phone. She said when he showed up on a text app a couple of weeks after he told her his wife thought it was weird they were texting and fet it was wrong but is and never would be interested in the guy. I saw his picture on FB and have to believe her on that front. Then I told her how it looked to our D and especially since she told our D that his wife didn't like the phone texting. She agreed. It was wrong even though he was just being nice and making sure she was ok during the seperation. She said she deleted the app as soon as she had the discussion with our D on Friday but was not planning to tell the guy to stop for fear he would freak out and he is her client boss. Whatever the excuse, seems like the weak way of telling someone to stop the inappropriate behavior.

 

Then I asked her about the younger guy who is texting her? Said our D saw a text awhile ago from him that again was about our relationship and then has seen countless texts from him over the last two weeks. She said, "my name", this guy has a serious girlfriend who he is head over heels for, she said, "there is no chance in hell I would do anything with him. In fact, there's a better chance I would be interested in the older FB guy before him and I'm not interested in either". "I am not leaving for another person! Period!". Said he was also just texting her getting updates. Is everythig okay?, how's your new place, etc.... I said, you told me last week that nobody at this client site knows about our situation. I asked that question specifically because I overheard a conversation between her and older FB boss. She said she lied about that because she didn't want me to think she was slamming me to everyone. Whatever. Overall, her stories were very convincing. She wanted to go because she had a meeting in 30 minutes and didn't want to go into the meeting right after crying. I'm sure she felt uncomfortable so my last request was, will you show me your cell phone and the texts? She went from crying to full out rage and refused to show me. I said "if there is nothing to hide, then why won't you show me?" She again refused, called me a few choice words and said she regretted coming over today to discuss this. Here is where I went wrong..... I tried to stop her from leaving. I blocked the doors and was trying to get her to settle down so I can discuss this further but this made her even madder. I saw something in her eyes I have never seen (RAGE & HATE). She was so incredibly mad she was yelling, screaming and throwing S**t around. I went to grab for her purse and said I would like to see your phone and she let the purse off of her shoulder and ran out the door. Our D was witness to it because as soon as it became heated and my wife left the room, D came upstairs to see what was going on.

 

BTW.... no phone in her purse. I didn't want to look at the messages myself but thought I would grab the purse instead of blocking the door and she wouldn't leave until she settled down but not the case.

 

As soon as D figured out what was going on, she got on the phone (i thought she was calling her mom) but not the case, she called the OM. After she said "Hi, this is ******* and ****** is my mom" I knew something was not right with her call. Yep, she started reading him the riot act and he hung up 10 seconds into her conversation. Guess who he called and texted first? She also called the older text app guy and spoke to him for 20 minutes as soon as she left the house.

 

Pretty confident this was the first shot over the bow which will definately start WW3! Unfortunately, I have to travel for the next three days and not able to get in to meet with an attorney to start discussing what I should be doing to prepare for divorce. Any advice on finding an attorney?

 

BTW... she just texted me and said she would be sending me every text she has sent to those two so I can see what they said and prove she was innocent. In all reality, I don't / didn't even wan to see the content I was really looking for her reaction which is what I got. She said she will be getting her own phone since the current one is under my account anyway.

 

What a mess this has turned into!

[riverratt]

Believe me, man. If you ever separate, you'll see your wife doing things that you never believed possible.

 

That's because, as they grow older they begin to unleash their hidden fantasies and fetishes upon the world. Things long kept hidden for fear of social or family disaproval suddenly come to the light.

 

And usually, those are not very nice things. And what is worst: it's part of their true nature.

 

Amen to that..It does go both ways as well. Men and women.

 

Sounds like you have your answer. Do you think she will sit down and go over things with you about the D and maybe it can be done in piece so one lawyer can be used? That is what I am doing.

[Chi townD]

Another rule....cheaters are incredibly good liars. They will have you believing that the Pope has a second job playing forward for the Chicago Blackhawks.

 

You really didn't have evidence and she sold you a damn good story.......until!! You asked to see her phone. Then, she became a cornered animal. If she didn't have anything to hide; then, she would have showed you the phone and REALLY laid a massive guilt trip on yoou for demanding to see her phone when she TOLD you that she wasn't cheating. AND would have also took great pleasure into telling you that you have absolutely no trust in her and that's one of the reasons she had to get away from you because you're bat sh*t crazy.

 

Kudos to your daughter, she's really got your back. If something was going on, her calling the douche rocket might put a strain on her relationship with this guy. Especially if it's just starting out. Too much drama might make him bolt.

 

Another rule with this situation, she states that she has a year lease but would want to re-address the relationship in three months? Okay, cheaters want you out of the picture. Either kicking you out of the house or they move out themselves. This way, they can conduct their affair without you looking over their shoulder. They can comfortably lay in bed talking on the phone in the wee hours of the night. When you have your son, she can have this douche rocket over at her place. She can text whenever she wants. She's cake eating and she's seeing if anything is going to happen with this dude. If it doesn't work out, then she has you as a back up plan.

[Keepittogether122]

I really didn't want to see the content. I was trying to get her reaction and was planning to hand it back as soon as she would have given it to me to show trust goes both ways. Blew up in my face. She continues to deny everything. I know my wife, I still don't think she went down the road of acting on affair. I do believe she felt good about the attention and let it continue.

 

Regardless, I told her to get her own cell phone account and I'm on hold with the cell company as we speak to release her number so she can set up a new acct. I do not want to be tempted anymore and will begin the process of finding an attorney as soon as I can.

 

BTW... coop, I have a pair and I appreciate everyone's advice here on LS. Everyone deals with pain different and is never a one size fits all. My life investment has gone down the drain and don't think it's wrong to try to keepittogether at all cost. Now... it feels like that investment has gone bankrupt. I know it's easier to see through the fog when you are not in it but right now, I am smack dab in the middle.

 

First night alone with no kids. She brought our 12 yr old over a few minutes ago because I wanted to say goodnight to him and needed to pick up the spare mattress for his new room at the apt. Sad to send them out the door and return into a big empty house.

[riverratt]

First night alone with no kids.

 

Was a nightmare for me. I completely know how you feel. I am in about 4 months now. Hang in there brother.

 

You aren't thinking crazy stuff are ya?

[Chi townD]

I know my wife, I still don't think she went down the road of acting on affair. I do believe she felt good about the attention and let it continue.

 

 

 

A good definition of cheating is when a husband or wife does something or says something that they wouldn't do in front of their spouses...That's cheating.

 

Ive been on here a while trying to give advice and I can say with a degree of certainity, your wife isn't being truthful with you. There's something going on. I've seen guys and girls convinced that their SO isn't having an affair. Only to come back on here and state that they WERE involved with someone else. I hope I'm wrong. But, the red flags state otherwise.

 

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, then go with your gut.

[riverratt]

Dude you can call me on the phone and I will talk to ya all night if it would help.

[2sunny]

Yes she's definitely cheating. No, she never going to admit it!

 

Stop playing nice with her - she's about to screw you over!

 

Tell her no to everything. File for D ASAP.

[standtall]

Dude..she is 100% lying to you about everything. She has already admittd to lying to you recently..she will only trickle truth you from here on out.

[SuperGeek]

First night alone with no kids. She brought our 12 yr old over a few minutes ago because I wanted to say goodnight to him and needed to pick up the spare mattress for his new room at the apt. Sad to send them out the door and return into a big empty house.

 

I know how you feel mate. I still remember the day I came home from work and the entire house was completely gutted and cleaned out. I actually thought I had been robbed by a band of thugs. Nope, my ex-wife pulled a fast one and had the house unloaded while I was at work, bank accounts drained, and more. I spent that night with a bottle of Vodka looking at how plain the house was after she had literally took everything. She left one picture of us together from the Harbour bridge in Sydney on the wall with a note saying it was over.

 

I didn't sleep in a bed again for 3 months because it literally made me ill. I was filled with heart wrenching anxiety for nearly a year over the whole thing because I thought it was my fault. All of it is history now and I got through it, but it took awhile.

 

Anyhow, the point of the story mate is things will get better. It may not seem like it right now.... it may seem like life itself is just over, but it's not. It WILL get better. Just find ways to get to through each hour and distract yourself if you have to. Watch action movies, go to the gym, etc.

 

It is going to be a rough ride for awhile but you can make it through if you just take it bit by bit.

 

I know how it feels because it shook me to the core.

 

SuperGeek

[2sunny]

When she cheated the last time - did she tell you up front she was cheating? Was she admitting it up frOnt or did she make you chase her truth?

[Keepittogether122]

2 sunny, she told me last time. I knew something was wrong the way she was acting after she came back from the trip. It was a one night stand that turned into an email / text type affair for about a week afterward. I confronted her similar to how I did it yesterday and she broke down and came clean about everything. Showed me the emails and wanted me to be a part of the email to cut him off. It broke both of us. Her guilt was overbearing. Not only because of the affair but for being the one to put me in that situation. She said she was releaved she got caught so she didn't have to run around hiding things anymore but felt terrible that she caused so much pain so her releif was short lived.

 

I remember the conversation with therapist back then. She said, I could never put anyone through that again. Especially the guilt she felt months afterward. She told me recently that she has never recovered from that guilt and doesn't think she will ever be able to forgive herself for doing what she did back then.

 

Part of me thinks she may be thinking that if we are no longer together she can make a fresh start and leave that part of her life behind. If the roles were reversed and I was a cheater, I know I would not be able to forgive myself either. Especially if my wife was hurting as bad as I was back then.

 

It's important to know I moved on from that incident. It was extremely difficult to learn the skills to look forward in our relationship. Months of counciling and a lot of soul searching about our marriage. In the end, we came out of it stronger just like many couples who deal with infidelity. She has several issues from her childhood that have never been fully addressed and were warned that if she continued to stuff them away, they would eventually come out in a different way. I believe this is the different way.

 

My plan is to go MC (minimal contact). I have 3 busy travel days ahead of me so I will not be tempted to contact her to see my son or vice versa. My son and I are leaving for a hunting trip this weekend as well so that will give another few days without and then I travel 3 days again next week. I hope the distractions are what I need to start moving on.

[riverratt]

She left one picture of us together from the Harbour bridge in Sydney on the wall with a note saying it was over.

 

Ouch.

 

 

Her guilt is something she is going to have to work. The whole self forgiveness thing is tough on some.

 

Enjoy your son and the time with him. He will be there till life itself makes that decision. My son and I have become closer through my situation. We get out a shoot more. Ride four wheelers more etc. Part of my self repair. Making more time for family.

[Gunny376]

When I first became a member of Love Shack, there was a Lady that went by the name of Lady Jane. She was very knowledgeable and experienced about marriage, relationships, cheating etc. She herself was on the receiving end of an emotional affair from her husband. She did a lot a research and self study on the subject of marriage, relationships, affairs and such.

 

Lady Jane no longer posts here ~ but here are all of her posts. I would highly recommend you read them ~ or at least the ones that you believe are pertaintent to your situation. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/search.php?searchid=18511349 I beleive they will be of immense help to you and your situation.

 

I had a lot of PM's with Lady Jane and she and I were in complete agreement. People (men and women) that get lost in "tha' fog" don't think clearly. And they don't see things clearly ~ and then they drag you into it ~ so that you can't think straight. When comfronted with such you should do the very thing that you think you shouldn't.

 

1. Expose the affair to any and everyone immediately.

2. Don't question yourself.

3. Be decisive

4. Be resolute

5. Firmly demonstrate what the other individual has to lose.

6. Shoot for the moon in seeking any and everything. (You can always settle for a much lower orbit and be in a position to be magnanimous later)

 

I've been divorced for 22 years, and I've studied divorce, marriage, relationships, etc. Doing so was my original and initial reason for joining Love Shack. To learn and to keep on learning. Simply because I NEVER wanted to go through another divorce again. I have since found someone new in my life ~ I was very skeptical of getting into another relationship ~ let alone another marriage. Its taken Mrs. Gunny the better part of the last nine years to win me over.

 

Mrs Gunny knows that there are limitations and lines that can never be crossed. And that if they are crossed that the repercussions will be instantaneous and non-revocable.

 

One of those is handling herself, her affairs, and her relations with other above refute. I don't need "Cheaters" cell phone records, e-mails, etc. All I need is the suspicion of infedility and it will be instantaneous DefCon4. Complete and total alienation. I WILL initate a "Scorch Earth" policy and literally burn everything that is worth having and worth stealing!

 

When the XHEX just joked about going after half of my military retirement I told her I would NOT retire from the Marine Corps. (You can do twenty years or more in the military and NOT retire ~ you just get out at the end of your contract!) She thought I was joking until I told her to call the Staff Judge Advocate to verify the fact.

 

Years before the fact of my divorce ~ I had taken a Business Law class at the University of South Carolina. The subject of divorce kept coming up in class. This even though it was a Business Law class. Finally the instructor ~ a lawyer decided to devote the first part of one class to the subject. This is what he said"

 

"Get any and everything of any value in your name and under you absolute control. Hire a "junk yard dog mean" attorney. Have him draw up the divorce papers, have the court date set. The night before the court date have the other party served. If you have children? Put them in the bathroom and bar the door with your body if need be."

 

When we get married? We're actually are marrying three distinct different people. The one we think we're marrying, the one we're actually marrying and the one that will come about as a result of having been married to you.

 

I've seen it countless times and times again. A woman starts her own business, gets it off of the ground ~ DIVORCE. A woman goes back to school and gets a degree she can support herself off of? DIVORCE.

 

This certainly isn't an absolute ~ I don't believe in such when it comes to human beings, individuals and relationships. There are always "Yea buts?"

But it happens often enough that its more the norm than not.

 

I'm not a hugh fan of "Hollyweird" but there's just enough truth in television and movies to miimic the truth. I would suggest you watch John Wayne in "McClintock" and how he handled his wayward wife. Not to the extreme that he took it in the movie mind you. But in how decsive he was once he had made his mind up that he had had enough of all her fooliness.

 

One thing I do know about women is that they're always testing the men in their lives in one way or another. Just to see if you measure up. I and other's call it "bitch testing" I've seen it, experienced it, and witnessed it countless times. I recognize it for what it is.

 

At the end of the day your going to have to "man-up" and call her on behavior.

 

"You want out! You've got it! Either stay here and be a part of the solution and not part of the problem ~ part of the answer and not part of the question? Or be gone! Just that damn plain and simple. And if you can't or won't? Then I'll find someone who can.

 

There's no shortage of women that are looking for a good man with a good head on his shoulders that's got a lot of good love to give. What one will abuse? Another can certainly use! There's not shortage of good women ~ but there IS A SHORTAGE OF GOOD MEN! Just because there are more female births than male births ~ and that's straight out the gate.

 

When I went through my divorce ~ I was lost, dazed and confused. I did everything that I could to be a good husband, a good father, to be a good provider, to give her evrerything she wanted, needed, thought she wanted and needed. I did everything that I could to please her, satisfy her, pacificy her. All to no avail.

 

In the end? It was all because she's insecure about hereself, her fading youth, and beauty yada ~ yada. She sought younger men to prove and to validate to herself that she still "Had it" The guy that she left me for is eight years younger than she is. She's 56 years old now ~ and she's gotten older, more wrinkled, sicker, meaner with each passing year. She's done her absolute best to alienate my children and grandson from me.

 

I've got a damn good woman now ~ and I thank God each and everyday for her. Sometimes, oftentimes our un-answered prayers are some of God's greatest gifts! I thank God the XHEX is gone and that I didn't waste not another single moment of my life on her.

 

Every single man I've spoken to who had a cheating wife ~ without fail ~ when they confronted them with cold, hard evidence of their infidelity said the same thing to them!

 

"YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

Edited September 18, 2012 by Gunny376

[Keepittogether122]

Great post Gunny & RR. Thank you for the advice. 95% of my days and sleepless nights have me stuck in the fog but each day I catch myself having moments of content. Not happy but just content which is welcoming over the dread I feel most of the time. I think about the kids and I. How will we feel when this moves closer to divorce and we both move through life in separate directions. How will I react to her dating and vice versa? Everything is in limbo right now and the kids are so angry at her, I find myself trying to be the voice of reason. No matter what she did, she will always be their mother and I never want to be that Dad who bashes someone they will eventually have to forgive. I watched it happen to our neighbors and it was sickning the way the Dad talked about his ex in front of the kids.

 

It is very evident my wife is having second thoughts about the apt. thing and her departure. After the fight yesterday I told her it's BS that she is the one who is able to drop everything we built together and get a clean break while I am left here holding the bag and trying to keep our family together. She told me she hates the apt. and offered to swap. Not a chance. I will force myself to look at the things that remind me of her until I replace them. Sleep in the bed we used to sleep and have fun in (even though I still sleep on my side). She choose to leave everything! and that's the thing that haunts all of us more than anything else. Everyone understands people who are unhappy, stressed & overwhelmed do not think straight but the getting her own place is the extreme that makes no sense to anyone. I think she took advice from a family friend who was recently going through a similar thing (now living back with her husband). She left for a month and lived with a friend of hers until she missed her husband and moved back. The difference is, the do not have kids.

 

I think she had this grand idea the moving out would give her the time to live for herself and the kids would just go along with it and have sleep overs etc. That is certainly not playing out like she had hoped. Our 12 year old is the only one who hasn't shared his disappointment with her and has been stuffing his feelings. We had a good long talk this past Sunday and it was the first time he opend up to me and cried. He is angry, confused, full of questions and feels like his life is turned upside down right now. Hmmmm does that sound familiar? I told him those feelings were normal and he will get better. Sound familar too?

 

I have been thinking about bringing him to therapy so he can understand his thoughts better. Even if it's only for a few sessions, I want him to know his feelings are normal and give him the tools to sort through them so he doesn't end up like my wife and act out on them later in life. She had a messed up childhood where her father left her mother when she was 5 then moved away to another State a year later. Visitations were limited to a couple of weeks in the summer when she and her older sister were old enough to fly on their own. Even though soon after the divorce, she had a great Step Father, she never really got over the fact that her father ditched everything. Weird how life repeats itself. She is doing the very thing her Father did yet doesn't see how this could affect our kids.

 

RR, I do plan to spend more time with the kids. Do the things with the older ones that my wife never really approved of. Our older son & daughter have been wanting to go skydiving. I told both of them that once they were 18, I would take em. Well, a bit late on our D but time is of the essence. I need to write a new chapter with my kids and start doing the things we enjoy with each other. The start is duck hunting this weekend with my boys. It's fun to see them enjoy the things I did when I was younger.

 

I do appreciate everyone's posts here on LS. As I'm sure all of you have been witness to when you went through this, you tend to sort through the advice from everyone and end up somewhere in the middle. Even though the stories may be similar, there is no way for anyone from the outside to understand the details of the lives or personalities of two individuals going through the hell I am in right now. I am not very good at describing myself sometimes and I know that about me. What may appear to be weakness to some, happens to be a quality to others. I tend to have a long fuse but when it reaches the end, look out. The fuse is still burning and could be because I still see hope somewhere in the fog. The "get a good lawyer and f**k her over" will never be me. No matter if I caught her in the act... I would move for immediate divorce but not be the guy to go for everything (full custody, etc...) because my kids still need to look up to me and I am not that kind of guy and never will be. I do know I am a good person and when our relationship is officially done, I will be a good catch for someone who wants someone to love them and care for them like I have for my wife over the past 23 years.

This experience will be another tool in my tool bag to ensure I receive the same in return.

[Chi townD]

Well, if I were you, I would start doing the 180. If you don't know what it is

 

 

here's the list:

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
   
2. No frequent phone calls.
   
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
   
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
   
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
   
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
   
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
   
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
   
9. Don't schedule dates together.
   
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
    
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
    
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
    
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
    
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
    
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
    
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
    
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
    
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
    
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
    
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
    
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
    
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
    
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
    
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
    
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
    
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
    
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
    
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
    
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
    
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
    
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
    
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
    
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."
    

And do you know what will REALLY show her that you're moving on and you're leaving her behind? Start re-decorating the house. New paint colors on the wall. New pictures on the wall. New furiture and placed in different locations. All photo's of you two are taken down. Only pics of you and the kids are up. You're showing her that you're moving on and you're making the home for you and the kids your own. That will be a wake up call for her.

[habs53]

These type of people that leave there relationships really bugs me. Guaranteed you will see her on a dating site in a year or so posting ... Is there any good men left out there. lol Those sites are full of them.

[karnak]

These type of people that leave there relationships really bugs me. Guaranteed you will see her on a dating site in a year or so posting ... Is there any good men left out there. lol Those sites are full of them.

 

They don't go into those sites because they're divorced and can't find a good man.

 

They usually get divorced specially because they're after that kind of lifestyle. The "free spirit", "born to be wild" lifestyle.

 

As I'm getting older I'm starting to lead a kind of life that I used to dream about when I was a kid. When I was younger I was afraid of social repression and social commentary. Now that I'm old I don't give a ****.

 

The same happens to many married men/women. They decide to catch on their early fantasies.

[Gunny376]

 

And do you know what will REALLY show her that you're moving on and you're leaving her behind? Start re-decorating the house. New paint colors on the wall.

 

New pictures on the wall. New furiture and placed in different locations. All

photo's of you two are taken down. Only pics of you and the kids are up.

 

You're showing her that you're moving on and you're making the home for you and the kids your own. That will be a wake up call for her.

 

I like this idea. Sort of like Jimmy Stewart in "Its A Wonderful Life"

 

KIT an excellent book that came out of a decades long term study on th effects of divorce on children is "Second Chances" The study found that the ramifications of divorce on children of divorce is long term with reprecussions lasting into their own marriages and relationships and even into their twenties, thirties, and forties and beyond.

 

Second Chances: Men,Women and Children a Decade After Divorce: Sandra Blakeslee,Judith Wallerstein: 0046442735339: Amazon.com: Books

 

I linked it because there are so many books with that title.

 

As I'm getting older I'm starting to lead a kind of life that I used to dream about when I was a kid. When I was younger I was afraid of social repression and social commentary. Now that I'm old I don't give a ****.

 

I myself tend to embrace ~ and even befriend things. The one good thing about having done so with divorce, solitude, being suddenly single (and it was more of major life adjustment than going from being single to married) was that one tends to build up an immunity to it, certainly not to fear it. Like the first time I was hugging the ground trying to become "one with the Earth" while bullets went flying through the air like angry hornets ~ yet the "Old Salt" of a Gunny was up walking around like he was out for a Sunday walk in the park? :eek:

 

Now that I'm in my mid fifties, I embrace my solitude, my privacy and more often than not just want to be left tha' Hell alone. Not that I've become a social misfit / hermit. Just that I have a whole lot less tolerance for BS people, the melodrama, BS, two-face ways etc. The job I have now is just a "What-ever" job that I'm using to suppliment my retirement check and I actually receive great enjoyment in watching the workplace BS and drama play out. People all over running around screaming and shouting with their hands in the air! People that I work for an with don't know about my background and life experiences. They just think I'm just another "Old guy" working out there. My so called "Team Leader" is about to have a nervous breakdown from the stress of being in command! :lmao: Constantly talks about the "Nightmare" of it all! :lmao: Constantly is threating to "write us up" over some Mickey Mouse BS~ "What! Your not going to shave my head, make me go live in a f****** desert for over a year, with people shooting at me? Your just going to "Write me up?" Do you need to borrow my my pen?"

 

My point is that although this is new and unproven ground to you KIT its all relative. Per the experience its why I can literally be as callious as I am when it comes to divorce. I don't plain on divorcing Mrs. Gunny nor she I. But if it ever came down to that it probally wouldn't be fun and it probally wouldn't be pretty. That's not to say that I would be a complete azzhat about it. Indeed she would be better off post divorce than she was before I meet her.

 

I'm not so much advocating you go straight for the jugular KIT as to take such actions that send the clear message that you're not playing with her and that she doesn't have the luxury of wasting your time on BS while she goes off to find herself yada ~ yada.

 

Relationships ~ especially marriage require a hugh ivestment of time, effort, energy and even money. One needs to make sure their ROI (Return On Investment) is proportinate to that investment. At least worth the risk involved. Even if the ROI is in non-material, non-monetary "oddles" of good feelings and memories that one cannot put a price tag on.

 

Once an individual reaches a certain age? Say around forty plus? Life rushes by you, and you begin to have more deja vuy experiences than new life experiences. Before you know it? You wake up on morning and Life has literally passed you by. I speak of this from experience.

[2sunny]

Change the locks and give only your kids a key!

 

She got herself in a position of showing you she doesn't need you now - that's crappy of her to use you to the extent of leaving now.

 

Tell her to stay in that apt for the full year - she needs serious counseling to work on her selfishness and self centeredness.

 

Tell her she chose this - she signed the contract - she deals with that commitment SHE made to live there!

 

Go after spousal support from her! At least ask for it in the D papers!

[2sunny]

And when she wants to complain about her apartment and anything else - tell her that's for HER to handle now! Tell her she needs to grow up and figure out things without you now! No more using you to listen to HER concerns - you have enough of your own to handle.

 

You are NOT HER dumping ground any more!

Edited September 18, 2012 by 2sunny

[2sunny]

Your daughter is on target - but you're allowing her to do the dirty work that you should've noticing and DOING yourself with action!