Can't get my first love out of my mind

[teddyman]

I am 49 years old and have been married for 25 years. Have a wonderful family and do love my wife even though we have been on shaky grounds the last few years as she hid some financial things from me and really put us in a bad situation that we are slowly working our way out of. Three years ago, I reconnected with my first love who I briefly dated my first year in college (this was through Facebook.) We went to different schools about two hours apart and she was a year older than me. Due to our young age and our insecurities, we broke up after about four months of dating. I met my current wife about a year and a half later have been with her ever since. Prior to marrying my wife, I called this first love of mine since I figured once I was married, I would never be able to do that again and just wanted to talk to her one more time. She was not dating anyone at the time and was glad to hear from me. We only talked for maybe 10 minutes, but I asked her if she had just normal feelings for me as with anyone else she had dated, or if her feelings were very deep ones - she told me that she had very deep feelings for me and that she was heartbroken when I turned from her and walked away (this was about five years earlier.) I did not want to ask her if she loved me after she said that as I did not want to hear the answer because I knew that I could not live without my wife and there was no way I could leave her, so I said goodbye and never talked to my first love for the next 22 years. Back about three years ago, I had a dream about this first love and was really concerned about what had ever happened to her - so, through this new technology that I heard about "Facebook" I looked her up and she was my very first friend. This lasted about two months - her husband found out about us communicating and who I was and made her drop me as a friend - I would probably do the same thing if I was him. But, I did find out one thing - she did love me as much as I loved her - on her last communication to me she wrote " I never ever want to be to you what your wife is and don't want anything to happen to your lovely family just as I know you don't want anything to happen to mine. I know that you love your wife and that is how it should be and I love my husband and am confident in our marriage. We cannot continue to communicate like this. Please do not contact me again."

 

We have not communicated since - but, I cannot get her out of my mind. I do love my wife but, for some reason I think about my first love every day and it is driving me crazy. How can I get over her?

[eleanorrigby]

I was getting ready to hate on your long lost love till I read this part.

 

" I never ever want to be to you what your wife is and don't want anything to happen to your lovely family just as I know you don't want anything to happen to mine. I know that you love your wife and that is how it should be and I love my husband and am confident in our marriage. We cannot continue to communicate like this. Please do not contact me again."

 

She's right. Continuing this communication is opening a can of poisonous marriage killing scorpions.

[ThatJustHappened]

I am 49 years old and have been married for 25 years. Have a wonderful family and do love my wife even though we have been on shaky grounds the last few years as she hid some financial things from me and really put us in a bad situation that we are slowly working our way out of. Three years ago, I reconnected with my first love who I briefly dated my first year in college (this was through Facebook.) We went to different schools about two hours apart and she was a year older than me. Due to our young age and our insecurities, we broke up after about four months of dating. I met my current wife about a year and a half later have been with her ever since. Prior to marrying my wife, I called this first love of mine since I figured once I was married, I would never be able to do that again and just wanted to talk to her one more time. She was not dating anyone at the time and was glad to hear from me. We only talked for maybe 10 minutes, but I asked her if she had just normal feelings for me as with anyone else she had dated, or if her feelings were very deep ones - she told me that she had very deep feelings for me and that she was heartbroken when I turned from her and walked away (this was about five years earlier.) I did not want to ask her if she loved me after she said that as I did not want to hear the answer because I knew that I could not live without my wife and there was no way I could leave her, so I said goodbye and never talked to my first love for the next 22 years. Back about three years ago, I had a dream about this first love and was really concerned about what had ever happened to her - so, through this new technology that I heard about "Facebook" I looked her up and she was my very first friend. This lasted about two months - her husband found out about us communicating and who I was and made her drop me as a friend - I would probably do the same thing if I was him. But, I did find out one thing - she did love me as much as I loved her - on her last communication to me she wrote " I never ever want to be to you what your wife is and don't want anything to happen to your lovely family just as I know you don't want anything to happen to mine. I know that you love your wife and that is how it should be and I love my husband and am confident in our marriage. We cannot continue to communicate like this. Please do not contact me again."

 

We have not communicated since - but, I cannot get her out of my mind. I do love my wife but, for some reason I think about my first love every day and it is driving me crazy. How can I get over her?

 

It sounds to me like you're fixating on your ex and putting her up on a pedestal because you're bored, and because you're pissed off at your wife for putting you in the hole financially. Get a hobby, get a pet, plan an inexpensive vacation..do something to get yourself out of the rut you're in. But for goodness sake, do as she asks and stay away from her.

[teddyman]

LadyGrey, I did know this woman. We dated for four months and talked every day (this was not a fantasy.) I traveled to see her every weekend. We did get very intimate. But, we were both under tremendous pressure - she had to keep her scholastic scholarship as her parents could not afford to send her to school. I was not sure I was in the right major and was struggling in school. Her Dad was a Baptist Preacher and did not like the fact that I as Catholic. When we broke up she only had two years of school left, and I had at least four as I was in Engineering. I took her pulling away from me (not willing to see me as much) due to the pressure she was under as a sign that she did not love me as I loved her and was so fragile that I could not bear it so I tuned 360 degrees from her and did not look back. In the back of my mind however, I did plan on going after her if she was still available after I got out of school - I was going to make myself better so she would fall in love with me – (problem is I fell in love with my wife so that trashed that plan.) I had no idea that I could not just turn my love for her off. And as I found out, she could not turn her love for me off (the only reason she did not pursue me after she graduated was that she found out that I had a girlfriend). I know that sounds crazy, but we were both amazed how the feelings that we had for each other just came right back some 27 years later. I was much better off when I thought she did not love me at all - now that I know she did, I am very torn up inside. Kind of mad I guess at my stupidity.

 

I have no fantasy of running off to steel her away at all. I know she is completely different now - she has four kids, she does love her husband - and she would never leave him as I would never leave my wife (and my three kids) and do love her - I could have broken things off with my wife before we got married - (i did think about it by the way) and went after my first love but there was no way I could ever live without my wife - I have a completely different type of love for my wife and she is my best friend. I just keep thinking about this women all the time. Keep replaying in my mind that day when I broke up with her - and how I was mean about it when I did it. I remember the first time I kissed her and fell in love immediately. It is kind of humorous I guess when I think about this logically, I crashed and burned with the same girl 27 years apart.

[hermione08]

You had your chance before getting married and still you said you didn't take it because you could not have lived without your wife.

There is your answer.

My first love contacted me via FB 2 years ago and convinced me he would leave his wife for me. Obviously he didn't, and in the process he hurt me and destroyed all the good memories I had of our past together.

Leave the woman alone, it's the best thing you can do.

[ThatJustHappened]

LadyGrey, I did know this woman. We dated for four months and talked every day (this was not a fantasy.) I traveled to see her every weekend. We did get very intimate. But, we were both under tremendous pressure - she had to keep her scholastic scholarship as her parents could not afford to send her to school. I was not sure I was in the right major and was struggling in school. Her Dad was a Baptist Preacher and did not like the fact that I as Catholic. When we broke up she only had two years of school left, and I had at least four as I was in Engineering. I took her pulling away from me (not willing to see me as much) due to the pressure she was under as a sign that she did not love me as I loved her and was so fragile that I could not bear it so I tuned 360 degrees from her and did not look back. In the back of my mind however, I did plan on going after her if she was still available after I got out of school - I was going to make myself better so she would fall in love with me – (problem is I fell in love with my wife so that trashed that plan.) I had no idea that I could not just turn my love for her off. And as I found out, she could not turn her love for me off (the only reason she did not pursue me after she graduated was that she found out that I had a girlfriend). I know that sounds crazy, but we were both amazed how the feelings that we had for each other just came right back some 27 years later. I was much better off when I thought she did not love me at all - now that I know she did, I am very torn up inside. Kind of mad I guess at my stupidity.

 

I have no fantasy of running off to steel her away at all. I know she is completely different now - she has four kids, she does love her husband - and she would never leave him as I would never leave my wife (and my three kids) and do love her - I could have broken things off with my wife before we got married - (i did think about it by the way) and went after my first love but there was no way I could ever live without my wife - I have a completely different type of love for my wife and she is my best friend. I just keep thinking about this women all the time. Keep replaying in my mind that day when I broke up with her - and how I was mean about it when I did it. I remember the first time I kissed her and fell in love immediately. It is kind of humorous I guess when I think about this logically, I crashed and burned with the same girl 27 years apart.

 

You just contradicted yourself. You said you weren't trying to steal her away, but then you said you crashed and burned with her. How did you crash and burn if you weren't trying to steal her away?

 

Also, if you really do love your wife, why would you hurt her by continuing to talk to this woman? You don't even know her anymore..it was 27 years ago for goodness sake. She's not even remotely the same person she was back then.

[hermione08]

It's typical of love stories that did not have any closure in real life. They should stay where they belong, in the past.

[teddyman]

Maybe I was not clear, but I have not communicated with this women for over three years now. Also, I will never do it agian.

 

ThatJustHappenned

 

It was a crash and burn three years ago. Her husband found out about the communication and got mad. She cut the communication off with me - even though I was glad as it was very distracting. By the way, she is the one who started in-boxing me on facebook - she would send me messages just to ask how my day went. I would tell her and she would try to console me if I had a bad day. And then she would tell me about what was happening in her life - her struggles etc I I would try to console her. We did not plan this - it just happened. I will tell you that I had never even heard the term emotional affair before then - but, I hate to admit, that is what it was. I intruded into her marriage and by the way, she intruded on mine. I knew we had to cut the communication off but was not going to be the one who instigated it - stupid I know. She did cut it off and it hurt - so thus "Crash and Burn"

[ThatJustHappened]

Maybe I was not clear, but I have not communicated with this women for over three years now. Also, I will never do it agian.

 

ThatJustHappenned

 

It was a crash and burn three years ago. Her husband found out about the communication and got mad. She cut the communication off with me - even though I was glad as it was very distracting. By the way, she is the one who started in-boxing me on facebook - she would send me messages just to ask how my day went. I would tell her and she would try to console me if I had a bad day. And then she would tell me about what was happening in her life - her struggles etc I I would try to console her. We did not plan this - it just happened. I will tell you that I had never even heard the term emotional affair before then - but, I hate to admit, that is what it was. I intruded into her marriage and by the way, she intruded on mine. I knew we had to cut the communication off but was not going to be the one who instigated it - stupid I know. She did cut it off and it hurt - so thus "Crash and Burn"

 

Ah, the old 'it just happened' excuse. Did you trip and fall onto the keyboard and accidentally type out messages to this woman? Did she trip and fall onto the keyboard and accidentally type and send messages to you? That's some fancy footwork!

 

Nothing 'just happens'..we make things happen. You and this woman made this happen. Now it's time for you to grow a pair and get over it. Like I said, it sounds like you're bored and possibly still angry with your wife. Get a hobby and get some therapy.

[Ladydrib]

. I took her pulling away from me (not willing to see me as much) due to the pressure she was under as a sign that she did not love me as I loved her and was so fragile that I could not bear it so I tuned 360 degrees from her and did not look back. In the back of my mind however, I did plan on going after her if she was still available after I got out of school - I was going to make myself better so she would fall in love with me – (problem is I fell in love with my wife so that trashed that plan.) I had no idea that I could not just turn my love for her off.

 

This part is sad and unfortunate, but it is what it is. You can't change the past. Accept the way it turned out.

 

 

I have no fantasy of running off to steel her away at all. I know she is completely different now - she has four kids, she does love her husband - and she would never leave him as I would never leave my wife (and my three kids) and do love her - I could have broken things off with my wife before we got married - (i did think about it by the way) and went after my first love but there was no way I could ever live without my wife - I have a completely different type of love for my wife and she is my best friend.

 

These are all the reasons there is absolutly no reason to ever speak to this woman again. To ever think of her again. To ever reminisce of her again. What's the damn point? We only live once and you've decided what you want out of life. It's the life you've created. The life you're happy with. And the same is true of your girlfriend from college. Forget her. Stop saying you can't.

 

I just keep thinking about this women all the time.

 

This is the problem. It is of no significance that you're thinking about her. Stop telling yourself it means something and you'll eventually stop.

 

Keep replaying in my mind that day when I broke up with her - and how I was mean about it when I did it. I remember the first time I kissed her and fell in love immediately. It is kind of humorous I guess when I think about this logically, I crashed and burned with the same girl 27 years apart.

 

She doesn't care anymore that you were mean when you broke up with her! If you continue to think about her you might start talking to her again, and this is being mean all over again. Just stop.

[2sure]

When you contacted her before you were married she was single and said she had had deep feelings for you. You said yourself you didn't pursue because you couldn't live without your wife.

 

Youre missing your youth, missing not having financial problems, missing who you were. You're old girlfriend realized this.

 

I think if your wife knew what was going on in your head, you would miss her too.

[veryhappy]

Let's see... aging man is going through middle life crises. He's done marriage, kids, the house, the cars, vacations, feeling good where he is, but what if he missed something? Somehow life doesn't quite feel like it was supposed to.

 

You dumped this girl when you were young. Ypu filled her with false hope when you calledbefore getting married - foran ego check? She'd obviosly still want to be with you, but her upbringing and morals stop ber. Good for you, because I'd love her to call your bluff. You wouldn't leave your wife. Too comfy.

 

How do you forget about her? You understand that you want her because you can't have her. You look at your life andimporve what needs to be improved, and you let her live her life. If you married your wife because you couldn't live without her, just be actively living the life *you* have chosen or get a divorce and be with your first love. Stop daydreaming when you know you wouldn't go be with her. You just liked the attention.

[AnotherRound]

Hi Teddy...

 

What is happening is that you are having a biological memory of your first love. Our brains and chemicals are amazing systems that "remember" things that we may not even consciously remember. With your first love, they are the first ones to set off certain chemical reactions in our bodies for us, that intimate level of touch and feelings. You are remembering THAT. That was amazing, bc it was the first time you felt it, experienced it. And it will ALWAYS be linked to the first person who set it off in you. This is a biological fact, and not something that you can really control.

 

However, you can control how you react to it. I think that you can't get her off of your mind bc of this reaction, these biological memories. Do some research on this, first loves and chemical reactions. You'll see what I'm talking about, and then maybe it will make some sense. It's kind of like if you were an addict, hadn't had the object of your addiction for a while, and then saw it. Your body would remember, and salivate (setting off chemical reactions like crazy!) for that object, even if logically you know it's not good for you or what you "really" want.

 

You sound like you are happy in your marriage. You seem like you are feeling guilty bc you are thinking about your first love. It's normal to think of your first love... don't beat yourself up too much about it. But, I would avoid her, bc it obviously sets into motion things that neither of you is able (willing?) to try to keep under control.

 

If it makes you feel any better, I had this experience with my first love, but we were both single. We got together and it was amazing for a minute bc it was so nostalgic. I remembered all those stolen kisses, and first everythings, and felt like a teenager again. Then, reality set in... and he was just a guy. And not a guy that I liked very much in the end. He had a lot of issues, and wasn't someone I would ever choose now, but he did still set off those chemical reactions bc my body remembered him, my brain remembered him, distinctly. But at the end of the day, he drove me nuts, and it ended badly. And in addition, it decreased my fond memories of him and I from when we were kids. So, my advice is to leave it as what it is, but research so that you KNOW what it is, and aren't questioning if you made the right decision. I'm sure that you did, from what you are saying here... don't let your chemicals trick you!

[teddyman]

Thank you all for your input. Some of you are kind of make assumptions about me but I guess that’s OK as there no way I can tell you everything about me and you just respond based on what you perceive.

 

As you all see from the subject matter, I have no one to talk to about this subject - not even my male best friends as their wives are friends with my wife and I would not want my wife to know what I am thinking. And by the way, I am smart enough to know that I should not share every thought that comes to my mind with my wife and I know that she does not share everything with me.

 

So I am very grateful for finding this site.

 

LadyRib, I do have a very good understanding of addiction, and I think you are right on with your analysis. When I think back about my lost love, I get a high. I even saved all of our correspondence from three years ago and from time to time read certain things she said to me. A few years back, my Mom and Dad moved to Florida and found some of my old things during the move - one of the things happened to be a bunch of pictures from high school and college - and yes, I found the one of my first love and I from when we went to a Formal for her sorority - this was why we met, I was her blind date - I took the picture and have it hidden in my nightstand.

 

I know I need to get rid of these things but I can't bring myself to do it! Kind of like an addict!

[Ladydrib]

Thank you all for your input. Some of you are kind of make assumptions about me but I guess that’s OK as there no way I can tell you everything about me and you just respond based on what you perceive.

 

As you all see from the subject matter, I have no one to talk to about this subject - not even my male best friends as their wives are friends with my wife and I would not want my wife to know what I am thinking. And by the way, I am smart enough to know that I should not share every thought that comes to my mind with my wife and I know that she does not share everything with me.

 

So I am very grateful for finding this site.

 

LadyRib, I do have a very good understanding of addiction, and I think you are right on with your analysis. When I think back about my lost love, I get a high. I even saved all of our correspondence from three years ago and from time to time read certain things she said to me. A few years back, my Mom and Dad moved to Florida and found some of my old things during the move - one of the things happened to be a bunch of pictures from high school and college - and yes, I found the one of my first love and I from when we went to a Formal for her sorority - this was why we met, I was her blind date - I took the picture and have it hidden in my nightstand.

 

I know I need to get rid of these things but I can't bring myself to do it! Kind of like an addict!

 

Are you sure you love your wife? You sound sure but I have a hard time relating. When I love someone as one should love a spouse, I have zero interest in any other man. Have you always had the tendency to have romantic feelings for more than one person at a time? This seems so foreign to me.

[teddyman]

LadyRib

 

On that last post that I did, I meant to refer to AnotherRound's comment but could not change it. Sorry. You should read what she said - she hit the nail right on the head. My first love is in my brain and I cannot erase what happened. I sure wish I could. Also, I do understand that I need to get rid of the messages that I kept from my first love. It is not healthy nor is it beneficial for my relationship with my wife – it is just so hard to let go of the memory. Before us communicating on facebook three years ago, she only entered my mind maybe twice a year. I had no idea if she was married, where she lived etc. It was the reconnection that got me. Another assumption that everyone has made here is that my wife had no idea that I reconnected with this other women – I did tell her and my oldest daughter that we were communicating. But, I did not tell her about the communication getting very deep about our lives and then how we ended up discussing our feelings for one another. It is interesting that my wife knew that this first love of mine (I did tell my wife that this other women was my first love) was one of my facebook friends – and then all of a sudden she was not (my wife is on facebook too) and she has never asked me what ever happed and why I was a not friends with this women of facebook anymore.

 

You know when I was communicating with my first love, we did come to an agreement that we were very much alike - both deep thinkers and very logical while at the same time very insecure about someone else loving us - this is exactly why we crashed and burned the first time - we also agreed that if we would have given it another go - most likely, since we were so much alike - we would not have made it – at least I would like to believe that as it’s too late know anyway.

 

With regards to my wife - the question is not do I love her - the question that has always been on my mind since the beginning - is does she really love me or why would she love me? My wife has always treated me great and has never done anything to make me doubt her love ( if she would have made me doubt when we were dating, I know I would have ran just like I did with my first love.) I am just so insecure that I have a hard time accepting that someone could love me. I think that is why I have worked so hard to get where I am today with my career - I always want to prove that I am worthy to be loved. Someone in these comments has made an insinuation that I have had the cars, house, and other fancy things and now I am bored – I will tell you that I have never had a fancy car, or jewelry, or a house that was near what I can really afford – and, I am not bored – I have a job that I love and allows me to travel the world and my home life really is not that bad – My two best friends from college have both recently gone through divorces and I will tell you I have seen some pretty bad situations at home- thank the lord my home life is nothing like that.

 

Alice

 

There is no way that my first love will ever contact me again. I do admit that three years ago when we were communicating that if she would have asked me to meet her somewhere (especially back where she went to college) I would be very tempted. But, in the end, I don’t think I would have done that anyway. My problem here is not some sexual fantasy or a wanted affair as some want to assume – my problem is that for some reason, I keep thinking back – I think that AnotherRound hit the nail right on the head in her post.

Edited September 15, 2012 by teddyman

[ThatJustHappened]

LadyRib

 

On that last post that I did, I meant to refer to AnotherRound's comment but could not change it. Sorry. You should read what she said - she hit the nail right on the head. My first love is in my brain and I cannot erase what happened. I sure wish I could. Also, I do understand that I need to get rid of the messages that I kept from my first love. It is not healthy nor is it beneficial for my relationship with my wife – it is just so hard to let go of the memory. Before us communicating on facebook three years ago, she only entered my mind maybe twice a year. I had no idea if she was married, where she lived etc. It was the reconnection that got me. Another assumption that everyone has made here is that my wife had no idea that I reconnected with this other women – I did tell her and my oldest daughter that we were communicating. But, I did not tell her about the communication getting very deep about our lives and then how we ended up discussing our feelings for one another. It is interesting that my wife knew that this first love of mine (I did tell my wife that this other women was my first love) was one of my facebook friends – and then all of a sudden she was not (my wife is on facebook too) and she has never asked me what ever happed and why I was a not friends with this women of facebook anymore.

 

You know when I was communicating with my first love, we did come to an agreement that we were very much alike - both deep thinkers and very logical while at the same time very insecure about someone else loving us - this is exactly why we crashed and burned the first time - we also agreed that if we would have given it another go - most likely, since we were so much alike - we would not have made it – at least I would like to believe that as it’s too late know anyway.

 

With regards to my wife - the question is not do I love her - the question that has always been on my mind since the beginning - is does she really love me or why would she love me? My wife has always treated me great and has never done anything to make me doubt her love ( if she would have made me doubt when we were dating, I know I would have ran just like I did with my first love.) I am just so insecure that I have a hard time accepting that someone could love me. I think that is why I have worked so hard to get where I am today with my career - I always want to prove that I am worthy to be loved. Someone in these comments has made an insinuation that I have had the cars, house, and other fancy things and now I am bored – I will tell you that I have never had a fancy car, or jewelry, or a house that was near what I can really afford – and, I am not bored – I have a job that I love and allows me to travel the world and my home life really is not that bad – My two best friends from college have both recently gone through divorces and I will tell you I have seen some pretty bad situations at home- thank the lord my home life is nothing like that.

 

Alice

 

There is no way that my first love will ever contact me again. I do admit that three years ago when we were communicating that if she would have asked me to meet her somewhere (especially back where she went to college) I would be very tempted. But, in the end, I don’t think I would have done that anyway. My problem here is not some sexual fantasy or a wanted affair as some want to assume – my problem is that for some reason, I keep thinking back – I think that AnotherRound hit the nail right on the head in her post.

 

Bolded- that was me, but I wasn't referring to having fancy cars and whatnot. I just meant that you're probably going through a mid-life crisis and that talking to your ex was relieving some of that for you by making you feel special. I suggested getting a new hobby instead.

 

If you don't feel like you're lovable, why would you do anything to mess up your relationship with someone who is proving you wrong? That's not a sarcastic question..it's genuine. You've found someone who truly loves you and has stuck with you for as long as she has. Why sabotage yourself?

 

I said it before..I think you should seriously consider counseling. Therapy could help you get to the root of where that feeling is coming from.

[teddyman]

ThatJustHappened:

 

Thanks for you posts. You do seem like a really nice person.

 

I don't think I have sabotaged myself at all. But, I must be holding back a little form my wife, which is not fair to her, when these old feelings come back to me. That is why I did this post on this blog. I have learned a few things here.

 

I am obviously not afraid of her finding out if she ever somehow did. My life is much more than my wife, my job, my wealth, my kids and I do not place my worth on this. If my wife did find out about these feelings and left me, then so be it - I would survive. It would certainly hurt, but I would not be forever lonely I can guarantee that. Also, I never said that I am not loveable. I said in the back of my mind I have doubts as to if my wife really loves me as I love her. I could do another blog on that I suppose.

[Ladydrib]

Interesting. You don't have issues whether you are lovable or not, but you question your wife's love. This is probably where the root of the problem is. Why do you question if your wife loves you the way you love her? Have you discussed this with her?

[SoMovinOn]

There is no reason to let go. You can love more than one person. You know you and she can never have a relationship with her, but, you can hold her in your heart forever. There's nothing wrong with that.

[teddyman]

LadyRib:

 

Yes, she has heard this from me. The last time was two years ago when I found out she ran up $142K in credit card bills secretly over what turned out to be an 8 year period. This happened after I had a loss in net worth in real estate holdings of over $1mil in 2007-8 time frame. How would you like that? I am recovering but how in the world can your wife who loves you do this? I have been toughened up through this - I was almost went bankrupt My wife committed financial infidelity, right before my oldest daughter left for college where I had already told her should could go to a school that costs over $50K per year. Also, this is the second time she has done this - back in 1989 when we had no kids and were double income - made over $100K per year, which was allot on money back then, and our apartment rent was only $631 per month - she ran up $10K in secret. That time she told me about what she did right before we were going to purchase our first house.

 

Add, I am the first love for my wife. I met her when she was 17 – she graduated high school one year early. She was an only child; parents had money, and got whatever she wanted. Never had a serious boy-friend until me. Her mother was very religious and was very strict on her. Her answer to the credit card debt, I will just ask my Dad for the money – and I could not tell you what I had done because I was afraid you would divorce me. I found out by the way because my credit card company called me and told me that my payment check had just bounced – I asked what payment check I have not used this card in a few years – then I found out that I owed $25K on just that one card. My wife also depleted the college fund from $160K down to $65K. My wife has a masters in accounting – was successful at work before stopping work in 1995 to stay home and take care of our kids. I figured I could trust her with household finances.

 

I will tell you that I have forgiven her. Not that it doesn’t enter my mind anymore, but I do not hurt anymore. Now, I do all of our finances – I watch every penny. Once a year check my credit report. My wife has a budget- and that’s it period. I changed the way my kids live as well – they used to get anything they wanted whenever they wanted it – how damaging is that?

 

From my perspective, I dated a life time of women by the time I met my wife. Serious girlfriend all of my 11th grade year in high school. Met my first love my freshman year of college when I was 18. Then, for the next year and a half (which was an eternity back then) I dated a sex Nympho, a Psychopath, a girl who was a med-student who I found out later had been ridden more times that Seattle Slew, a girl that was kinky – she asked me one time when we were at a party if I wanted to go out my car and tie each other up, a girl who was 10 years older than me – and I think I may have forgotten a few. Out of all the girls I went out with, I only fell in love twice. My wife barley dated anyone at all, met me and fell in love and we have been together ever since.

 

You see why I may be having a few issues here?

[Ladydrib]

LadyRib:

 

Yes, she has heard this from me. The last time was two years ago when I found out she ran up $142K in credit card bills secretly over what turned out to be an 8 year period. This happened after I had a loss in net worth in real estate holdings of over $1mil in 2007-8 time frame. How would you like that? I am recovering but how in the world can your wife who loves you do this? I have been toughened up through this - I was almost went bankrupt My wife committed financial infidelity, right before my oldest daughter left for college where I had already told her should could go to a school that costs over $50K per year. Also, this is the second time she has done this - back in 1989 when we had no kids and were double income - made over $100K per year, which was allot on money back then, and our apartment rent was only $631 per month - she ran up $10K in secret. That time she told me about what she did right before we were going to purchase our first house.

 

Add, I am the first love for my wife. I met her when she was 17 – she graduated high school one year early. She was an only child; parents had money, and got whatever she wanted. Never had a serious boy-friend until me. Her mother was very religious and was very strict on her. Her answer to the credit card debt, I will just ask my Dad for the money – and I could not tell you what I had done because I was afraid you would divorce me. I found out by the way because my credit card company called me and told me that my payment check had just bounced – I asked what payment check I have not used this card in a few years – then I found out that I owed $25K on just that one card. My wife also depleted the college fund from $160K down to $65K. My wife has a masters in accounting – was successful at work before stopping work in 1995 to stay home and take care of our kids. I figured I could trust her with household finances.

 

I will tell you that I have forgiven her. Not that it doesn’t enter my mind anymore, but I do not hurt anymore. Now, I do all of our finances – I watch every penny. Once a year check my credit report. My wife has a budget- and that’s it period. I changed the way my kids live as well – they used to get anything they wanted whenever they wanted it – how damaging is that?

 

From my perspective, I dated a life time of women by the time I met my wife. Serious girlfriend all of my 11th grade year in high school. Met my first love my freshman year of college when I was 18. Then, for the next year and a half (which was an eternity back then) I dated a sex Nympho, a Psychopath, a girl who was a med-student who I found out later had been ridden more times that Seattle Slew, a girl that was kinky – she asked me one time when we were at a party if I wanted to go out my car and tie each other up, a girl who was 10 years older than me – and I think I may have forgotten a few. Out of all the girls I went out with, I only fell in love twice. My wife barley dated anyone at all, met me and fell in love and we have been together ever since.

 

You see why I may be having a few issues here?

 

I'm probably going to get attacked for saying this, and it's just my personal opinion, but women who don't work irritate the hell out of me. If women want to spend money, they should be making money too. Yes, I'd be pissed. BUT that does not sound like a love issue. That sounds like a respect issue. It's not about the money as much as it is her abuse of it and in secrecy. How did she respond to the budget plan? I don't know. I just can't relate to people who don't want financial independence. Tell her to get a job.

[teddyman]

LadyRib,

 

My wife is high strung. She is beautiful and smart and as it turns out, she is not designed for staying at home with the kids. She did it and I think it was good for the kids. But, once they were all in school, she just could not stay at home - she shopped everyday - she looked at going to the stores as going to work - her job, to make sure we all had everything we needed. She would put 20K miles on her car per year and did not work? I used to question this - could not figure it out. Of course, I was so busy building my career I did not take time to watch. Turns out, this is not an uncommon story. By the way, I am the one who asked her to stay home – I told her that to get the level that I was aiming for at my company, I was going to have to travel big time – it would not work with me gone two and three weeks at a time overseas and her working and having the complete load of three kids. Now my wife could have done that, but my opinion was that it would not be good for the kids (I was a daycare kid myself, and I remember not liking it.)

 

My wife is going to go back to work - but, she does not want to go back into the field that she was trained to do. So, she is back in College getting retrained to become a full time teacher. She finishes up in March of next year. She actually has been substitute teaching as well – can make about 10K per year (she used to make 7 times that in 1995.)

 

Crazy life! But, I tell you - probably the best thing that could have happened to me - along with my financial trails. I had to learn to be satisfied with my life even when all the walls were crashing down around me. It turns out - if you choose to be happy with yourself, you can be happy no matter what is happening. When I found out what my wife did to me (us) - I could not get a night’s sleep for about two weeks - finally, I learned to just imagine what life is going to be like when we got through this - and low and behold, when I did this, I could fall asleep. Kept doing this every night - started thinking positively about our entire situation. Slowly, everything did turn around, I have recovered and believe that I will actually be better off than I was 6 years ago when I was on top of the world – things are looking up.

 

With regards to the budget – I watch every account, every charge card, like a hawk. I am at work by 6 am every morning – first 45 minutes – checking all accounts on line. Even what my daughter at college is spending – it is all online. My wife knows that I check all of the credit agencies once a year (for both of us) – actually just did that last week. You know, you can do this once a year for free.

 

My kids all get allowance for work done around the house – just like I used to get. If they want something, save for it. Because, if it is not in the budget – we don’t get it period. It’s really not that difficult. Not that my wife does not sometimes try to go back to old habits – but, I see it right away and nip it in the bud immediately. She does not argue – when I point it out, she sees it and understands.

[Ladydrib]

It turns out - if you choose to be happy with yourself, you can be happy no matter what is happening. When I found out what my wife did to me (us) - I could not get a night’s sleep for about two weeks - finally, I learned to just imagine what life is going to be like when we got through this - and low and behold, when I did this, I could fall asleep. Kept doing this every night - started thinking positively about our entire situation. Slowly, everything did turn around, I have recovered and believe that I will actually be better off than I was 6 years ago when I was on top of the world – things are looking up.

 

Okay, there you go. Use this same conviction and technique to forget about the woman who you felt compelled to post about.

[teddyman]

Well, I enjoyed this experience of corresponding with all of you. I can see that this blog thing can be addicting in itself.

 

I did get the answers that I needed:

 

I am addicted to thinking about this old flame of mine. I have all this correspondence from three years ago, and I need to delete it (this will be as hard as an alcoholic throwing away the alcohol.) But, if I don't do it, I will never be able to stop thinking about this person every day.

 

There is nothing wrong with the feelings that I have for this person. They will forever be there when I remember. I believe that if you are really in love with someone, it will be there forever. Probably why when that person does not love you in return and the break up occurs, it hurts the heart just as bad as losing a family member - one will go through a mourning process. But, you will never forget. With this girl I used to date, I went through this mourning process twice 27 years apart.

 

A few people said that I am going through a midlife crisis. Not sure if I know anyone who is almost 50 years of age that is not trying to slow father time down. I for one will do everything I can to slow it down – if sometimes that includes thinking back when I was young, I will do that.