What kind of information do you store in your noggin?

[moimeme]

I observed something about a work colleague today - she's a nice person and we get along well but she's quite negative. We walk partway to our respective homes together and have spent other chat time. Pretty much all of her stories are about bad stuff that has happened to her. I'm not talking about genuinely bad life events (she's had some of those, too), but times when someone at work did something dumb or someone blamed her for something or someone was unpleasant to her.... you get the drift.

 

Now this lady admits to not being all that happy a person. I do what I can to try to shine a less grim light on things but she seems tuned in to the negative. It seems to me that her mental filing cabinet is chock full of negative events, situations, etc. etc. If she talks about a restaurant she went to, it's the one where the food was awful. And so forth.

 

So I'm wondering - does anyone pay attention to the contents of their own 'files'? What's in your storage? Do you mostly retain pleasant events or unpleasant ones? Or something else entirely?

[havNfun]

very nice and deep questions,

 

I have cleaned out storage,

rented extra space at times,

moved fascilities,

removed my storage,

let it rot once,

have cleaned out my storage many times,

have gotten help at times to organize my storage,

and am learning slowly but steadely,

to collect good storage and release the bad.

[dyermaker]

I have a few unfortunate events, but only if they're pretty funny.

 

The rest of my files are divided between moments of happiness and Led Zeppelin esoterica.

[Thinkalot]

I can be negative sometimes...it's something I'm working on changing.

 

Usually, after an event, or holiday when looking back though, i just remember the good stuff...the bad stuff is still there...but the good moments shine out and stick in my memory...over time the bad stuff fades, and the good shines on.

 

But if we go to dinner or something...I'll notice the slow service, while my fiance will just relax and enjoy being there.

 

My head is full of highlights from my life...great moments, and achievements, in personal relations, career, sports, travel, family. The really bad times are there too...but to be honest, it's harder to call on the really bad emotions, because I suppose we like to block them out.

 

I used to worry and fret (and still sometimes do) about things that WEREN'T right about something...I'm trying to focus on what IS right!

[Adunaphel]

So I'm wondering - does anyone pay attention to the contents of their own 'files'? What's in your storage? Do you mostly retain pleasant events or unpleasant ones? Or something else entirely?

 

 

I tend to retain both. Expecially the 'out of the ordinary, out of average' ones.

But what I talk about often does not coincide with what I retain better.

 

When I'm talking to other people, I talk about unpleasant events when:

 

1) I am genuinely distressed/upset in that very moment and I need to talk about the events I'm distressed about, to 'get it off my chest'.

2) I'm looking for sympathy or understanding

3) The other person can relate. Like, he/she is telling me about one of his/her bad moments with boss, SO, friends, etc...we end up talking about other similar events that happened to either of us.

4) the unpleasant event is somehow funny, and I'm positive it might amuse(or at least not bore to death) the person I'm talking to.

5) telling about the event I'm providing some kind of useful information (like, that restaurant is bad, that guy can't keep a secret, be careful not to act that way with our boss, etc).

[sportsloving]

I have good and bad storage files . But usually I won't let loose of the bad unless I can make a joke or make someone laugh over it. I am a pretty cheerful person (unless I haven't had coffee) and try to keep life positive.

[Fayebelle]

I HATE when I waste storage space w/junk files.

 

(It's So funny you asked this -my fam and I were discussing this like a month ago)

 

Anyway-it started when my BF and I heard that song I Saw The Sign on the radio and couldn't remember who sang it. I was OK w/this b/c I don't like the song or group so I figured I hadn't wasted space remembering them.

 

Well my BF couldn't let it go so he asks someone who tells us it was Ace of Base. Obviously that useless bit of knowledge is now taking up space that could be better applied to remembering where I put my car keys.

 

 

Anyone see trailers for that Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? Now there's a mental project I could get behind.

[EC]

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. Great movie. Didn't really get the recognition I thought it deserved.

 

But would you want to get rid of all the bad memories??

 

They make me the person I am today and I learned from them.

 

I personally wish I had more space because I want to remember everything!

[Fayebelle]

No personal memories would be harmed in the spring cleaning of my mind.

 

Just things like the lyrics to Jingle Bells Batman Smells, Robin laid an egg..

 

Damn- now that song is stuck in my head.

 

Anyway junk like that would be out of here to make room for more important stuff- like ,I repeat- Where the hell are my car keys!?!

[EC]

Oh man now that song is stuck in my head and I can't get it out.

 

Oh and now I thought about the other most annoying song in the world:

 

"This is the song that never ends..and it goes on and on my friends..."

 

LOL My keys have a whistle on them so I can find them. I clap and they whistle and I follow the sound to find them. It's halarious. But I can never find my pen at work untill an hour later I realize its in my hair. ( ponytail)

[HokeyReligions]

I don't know! I had a stroke! I can't remember anything!

 

Some people are just pessimistic by nature. I was taught to always look for and expect the worst so that I would never be disappointed. I mean, I was literally taught that--by word and example. Right now I'm going through my own health problems (I posted about my stroke and lumpy boob!) and if I wasn't so attuned to the negative this stuff would get me down. As it is, I take it all in stride and I don't get depressed about it. A little nervous about the technicalities sometimes, like a kid who doesn't want a shot because of the needle pain, but whatever happens, happens and I'll deal with it. The same with the 'happy' stuff in life.

 

So I tend to dwell on the negative, but I think it feels different to me than it would for a naturally optimistic person to think about the negative. That would be out of their comfort zone, whereas dealing with the negative is well within my comfort zone.

 

It makes me seem cold at times, I'm sure. I can joke about things that other people might cry about. I mean, I cry & grieve too sometimes, but I don't take life too seriously.

 

Your friends life might be boring if she didn't have the negative things to think about or talk about. I know mine would be! If I didn't have to deal with health crisis, financial crisis, emotional crisis, the bad restaurant food or service, that my feet hurt when we walked around the mall, that the movie theater was too hot, or there was a child crying or people talking, or the people that ride the bus and sit in the priority seating, etc. It would be BORING!

 

I would just be going to out to eat and watching a movie, and taking a bus. YAWN. If something out of the ordinary happens and its a positive thing, then I will focus on that---but the negative things happen more often. At least to me. If I talk about the food being too cold and having to send it back, its not really a complaint or a negative to me, it just IS. Its what happened. I know that can be seen as a negative to others though.

 

I've never been a happy-go-lucky person. That's not to say I've never been happy. I have/am. I just wasn't raised that way, and its not in my nature. But if you ever have a crisis---I can help. I know what to do, who to call, how to handle the situation. The paramedics actually praised ME recently when I had to call them to the house in the middle of the night because my mom was having a heart attack. I knew exactly what to do, I directed my husband in what to do and I was johnny-on-the-spot assisting the EMTs and/or knowing how and when to stay out of their way. I was calm even as I carried my mother to the couch and comforted her as she lay crying and gasping and afraid. She even said later that I calmed her. I was calm, but crying when I held my children when they passed. When friends spent a Thanksgiving weekend with us a few years ago, we got a call early in the morning that their daughter (in another state) was threatening suicide. A scared neighbor called and I was able to call the emergency dispatch in Colorado, get a description from the neighbor (she didn't have an address) relay the information appropriately, calm my friend, get her daughter help, and arrange an emergency flight to CO for my friend and have a car meet her. Everyone else was scared and stepping over each other. When my friends house burned down I just knew what to do. I was 9 or 10 at the time, but I got clothes and food together, brought my friend and her mom to our house, made hot coffee/tea with lots of sugar. Got the bathroom ready so they could shower, got clean clothes for them, and started calling other members of their family and also some charities to help them. Mom asked who they had insurance with (all their papers were lost in the fire) and I called the main office of the insurance company and got them to find their information and handed over the phone to my friends mom. If I wasn't so negatively-tuned, I don't think I would be as efficient in a crisis. In a round-about way, I like dealing with a crisis because I am confident and it's a personal high for me to know that I have helped and done the right thing.

 

Does your friend every follow her stories with how she handled the situation? Maybe, instead of trying to change her focus to a positive--you can ask her how she handled things. Give her suggestions to use in the future if she is not sure how to handle a problem. That way she is still in her comfort zone and it might help boost her self-confidence if she knows how to handle a negative situation.

[tiki]

I admit to keeping both the good and the bad. More so the good. But lately I can't get the bunnies out of my head.

[moimeme]

Hoke - very interesting perspective; be negative so you won't be surprised. I've heard it before but can't live that way.

 

I would just be going to out to eat and watching a movie, and taking a bus

 

Well, could you not go out and have an utterly delicious meal in a restaurant where a bunch of people were all together celebrating grandparents' 50th anniversary and were having such fun, and then on the way to the bus you saw the most gorgeous flowers, a darling dozing pup, and a beautiful old man?

 

I appreciate that you are competent, but I don't think one needs to be negative to know one's way around life situations.

 

As for my workie, she tells me what she did, yes. Frequently in those sorts of situations, there's not much that can be done - except accept that sometimes things go badly. I think that by dwelling on them, she makes it worse for herself. However, today, when she was talking again about all the work we have to do, I said 'yeah, but... and she chimed in (not sarcastically ) with '....there's no pressure'! So maybe I can help her gain a less grim perspective!

[sweetadeline]

Interesting thread!

 

In general, I'm pretty good at deriving pleasure, even joy, from the mundane details of life. But like Moimeme's workmate, I can also go through phases of talking extensively about the negative. I think that, like Adunaphel, I do so in order to deal with my anxiety about work, school, dating, whatever (though I'm not sure that talking about the anxiety is actually an effective way of dealing with it). Maybe, Moimeme, your work buddy is the same way? That is, she processes her worries/fears/insecurities out loud?

 

I do think that, as others have implied, it's important to replace those negative thoughts with more positive ones. Thinkalot, if you've got any surefire strategies for that one, pass 'em on!

[moimeme]

I'm not sure that she's processing these things. They are all old events - some years old. I suppose it could be true for the current job and the messy state the place is in but - well, maybe she just can't process these things. Maybe she's stuck in a loop or something. I guess maybe 'accepting things as they are' is a difficult task sometimes.

[sweetadeline]

I guess maybe 'accepting things as they are' is a difficult task sometimes.

 

Things as they *are*? What about that second quotation in your signature line, Moimeme?

 

More seriously, I think there are some people (I plead guilty here) who developed an early belief that the negative was somehow more worth paying attention to than the positive. Maybe it got them more attention; maybe it seemed more serious and substantial than focusing on the good things (how many great novels have joyful, happy-go-lucky protagonists?); maybe that's just what they absorbed from the 'rents. Or maybe (as I think you're implying, Moimeme) obsessing on the negative is the only way they can feel a sense of control, even over things that happened ages ago. Rewriting the past and so on.

 

Is it possible that the co-worker has a mild form of OCD? (I know next to nothing about it, but something about her behavior makes me wonder.)

[moimeme]

Things as they *are*? What about that second quotation in your signature line, Moimeme?

 

Hoo! Good one! LOL. Of course it's subjective - what I mean by that is that unpleasant things are bound to happen so to be surprised and disappointed is unrealistic. It's sort of Hokey's philosophy in a way, but more the Dr. Phil-ish 'it is what it is'. Yes, you will have bosses who are complete knobs. Yes, you will have co-workers who'll go after your rep. It's almost unavoidable - so know it and let it go.

 

Is it possible that the co-worker has a mild form of OCD?

 

No. I think, but am not sure because I've got to go read up, that it has to do with 'Negative Affect' in psych. But, as I say, I need to check it out. I may be way off base. What I was wondering is whether people just happened into patterns of noticing bad things rather than good that became habitual.

 

In my case, I remember very vividly a couple of 'moments of bliss' from when I was very young and I also remember that those experiences caused me to decide that I was actively going to try to imprint good moments and memories into my brain to have forever - like my own box of treasures to enjoy whenever I need to. So I do. I notice beautiful things and happy things and I'm always looking for more 'treasures' to cherish. I know the storage isn't that great and some of it may go missing at some point, so I want a BIG warehouse full to tide me over. I've got my own tales of woe, and I do tell them from time to time, but you'll hear about the great meals I ate rather than the bad ones because those are the memories I want to keep. I can do without the others

[HokeyReligions]

Originally posted by moimeme

Hoke - very interesting perspective; be negative so you won't be surprised. I've heard it before but can't live that way.

 

I would just be going to out to eat and watching a movie, and taking a bus

 

Well, could you not go out and have an utterly delicious meal in a restaurant where a bunch of people were all together celebrating grandparents' 50th anniversary and were having such fun, and then on the way to the bus you saw the most gorgeous flowers, a darling dozing pup, and a beautiful old man?

 

Sure, I see the positive stuff too---and I'll relate that if something out of the ordinary occurs or is seen. If I try a new dish and it's good, I'll mention that. Or the new waiter with the tight pants! . Especially if its a special occasion. 99% of the time when we go out to eat, its not a special occasion and its someplace we've been many times, etc. So its pretty routine, unless there is a bug in the food, or the waiter drops the tray, or something. It's easier for me to relate to the negative stuff I guess, or maybe because of the way I was brought up and what has happened in my own family, I see the negative before I see the positive. I never noticed all that many Windstar mini-vans on the road until after I bought one, then I started seeing them everywhere. It's conditioning with me. I think I have turned it to be a positive reflection though because my family and friends know they can count on me to handle or help them handle the negative stuff that happens to all of us.

I appreciate that you are competent, but I don't think one needs to be negative to know one's way around life situations.

I agree. I don't think one needs to be positive either, to know one's way around life situations. It takes balance and I'm not saying that I'm the only one who can handle bad situations, but I guess I'm a bit proud of the fact that I'm good at that stuff. Probably why I'm so interested in becoming a funeral director!

[moimeme]

With your own 'reality' show?