My mother-in-law is being abused!

[EJNL]

My mother-in-law is in an abusive relationship. My husband, her son, was paralyzed from the neck down 3 years ago, and although I am his main caregiver, she also comes to our house daily to help with therapy, housework, and to let me get out and take a break. She is the most caring and giving person I know. She is 55, works full time, is independent, and is starting to get into real estate investing. Her boyfriend is 35 (about one year older than my husband, her son) he hardly works even though he could, he has rotten chipped teeth, he is an alcoholic, a drug addict (although she says he doesn't do either anymore), and he is not rich. They have been dating and living together on and off for 10 years. Just last year, she started to tell me how abusive he is, mostly verbal, but it has gotten physical at times. From what I have read he is the typical abusive type of person. He has centered his life around her, he is extremely jealous, he calls her constantly, he puts her down, he then gets physical either hitting her (she says only once) or grabbing her by the throat, and she leaves, the he begins the threats of killing her, her family,killing himself, getting her fired, then he starts the "I'm sorry, you know I don't mean it, I would never hurt you....", and she takes him back.

 

This happened last year and finally moved out of the house they were sharing and got her own place. He went to counseling and was on medication, but quit that and was okay for a while. She still started dating him again and now about 1 month ago he went off on one of his rages again. She finally let her family in on how bad it was and that it has been for 5 years. She actually is seeing a psychologist and was very open about the problems they have had, and said she is going to break off the contact slowly so, he doesn't get set off. She told us she cares about him, but she doesn't love him and she knows she is abused. I should mention last year a judge denied her a restraining order even though he was arrested and put in mental evaluation. She said she was scared of him and thats why this has gone on so long.

 

Now we are all noticing that she is back to defending him. "He is doing so well, he is seeing a psychologist, he hasn't smoked for 20 days....". We share a cell phone plan and I saw on the bill that she has been calling him everyday, several times a day, and of course he calls her everyday. She went to dinner with him, and has him back working on a rehab home she bought. She told her daughter she went out with him because she wanted to and she misses having someone to do stuff with. She hasn't even tried to avoid his calls or him, in fact she is calling him.

 

She knows if my husband found out, he would tell her to get out of our lives. Her family always tells her we are there for her, she can stay with any of us if she is scared. I think she sees our concern as an attack on her, but hey, he has threatened all of our lives as well.

 

She keeps living the same cycle over and over, and if she keeps choosing him, she will either lose her life or her son. He was a cop and has seen the worst of domestic violence. We don't know how to get through to her, we can't see what she sees in this guy, we don't know what to do. Should we confront her about her behavior? Anyone that can help, please give me some advice. Thanks!

[EJNL]

I forgot to mention that this boyfriend of hers has also cheated on her, asked out her own daughters best friend, has held a knife to her throat, is always mad at her because he isn't included in our family holiday parties. He also told her that it wasn't so bad that her son was paralyzed because he has had a good life up to the time of the accident. Her grandchildren are not allowed to stay at her place because of him. Still with all this she thinks he will change and chooses him over and over again.