shaken_not_stirred Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 I was wondering after dday 1, if the affair didn't end what were you telling your bs to make them think your were in R, bs what were you being told that made you think you were on the mend only to find out it was still going on? Also if you are a bs how many dday's does it take before you say no more? Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Only 1 DDay so far. It will be the one and only. I will not stay if there is another one. I am lucky in the fact that ended well before I found out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaken_not_stirred Posted September 15, 2012 Author Share Posted September 15, 2012 Only 1 DDay so far. It will be the one and only. I will not stay if there is another one. I am lucky in the fact that ended well before I found out. I'm glad that your doing well, how long after it ended did you find out and how did you find out? Are you 100% sure it is over and not still going on? I hope that it's over for all involved, I just know mine isn't and his wife doesn't know, or at least she doesn't let on she knows. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 One D-day, it had been long over (about ten months), OW outed FWH to me via email, planned move out of state a week later, continuous emails by OW. FWH has been open, available, transparent, and as honest as he can be ever since. Last email from exOW did not go over well with FWH, he let her know and it was the last. I think everyone involved in my deal has moved on. And IF there is another D-day w/same OW or anyone else, well I'll be happily revisiting the single life* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 You might be waiting a looooonnnngggg time for MM and BW to give up on their marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaken_not_stirred Posted September 15, 2012 Author Share Posted September 15, 2012 One D-day, it had been long over (about ten months), OW outed FWH to me via email, planned move out of state a week later, continuous emails by OW. FWH has been open, available, transparent, and as honest as he can be ever since. Last email from exOW did not go over well with FWH, he let her know and it was the last. I think everyone involved in my deal has moved on. And IF there is another D-day w/same OW or anyone else, well I'll be happily revisiting the single life* How long was his affair and was it a PA and EA? If it had ended 10 months before dday why did she tell you, she sounds mean. I would only contact his wife if he doesn't let one of us go soon. However if he continues to string me along then I may let her know everything then end it. If sh decides to stay and give him yet another chance then that's up to her. I know I'm no different then all the ow on here but I can't seem to just walk away and believe me I've tried several times since dday but he won't accept the break up and I'm glad he doesn't because I am very much in love with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaken_not_stirred Posted September 15, 2012 Author Share Posted September 15, 2012 You might be waiting a looooonnnngggg time for MM and BW to give up on their marriage. You may be right, I just don't see her giving him another chance if there's another dday because the affair never ended and I think she'll never trust him again. I can't speak for her but if my ex husband cheated on me the trust would be gone for good. Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 You may be right, I just don't see her giving him another chance if there's another dday because the affair never ended and I think she'll never trust him again. I can't speak for her but if my ex husband cheated on me the trust would be gone for good. Trust might be gone, but love might not completely disappear. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Imo, it's extremely unfair of him to pretend to be reconciling when he isn't. It's abusive, emotionally, to his wife. I can understand that he's afraid of losing the marriage, but then he needs to put the work in to rebuild the marriage. If he isn't able or willing to do that, he needs to walk away, no matter how hard it is. What is his rationale for pretending to reconcile? As for you... where are you at with all of it? Are you hoping that she kicks him out? Bc he won't be happy with you if he still wants to be in his marriage, imo. He needs to decide where he WANTS to be, and then be there. If that is with his wife, as hurtful as that may be to you, then he needs to be there 100% and give it a real attempt. If he doesn't, and you end up together, he may resent you for that. He may hold you responsible for the break up of his marriage. And he may pine away forever about what might have been had he truly tried to reconcile. I hope that isn't what happens, but you're in a very dangerous place it seems. If I was you, I would work on preparing for the worst... getting yourself in a good place emotionally. Had I not walked away from my exMm when I did, and had the emotional distance that I do now when his divorce started, I'm really not sure how I would be handling this, but I wouldn't feel nearly as confident as I do, I promise you that. Be prepared, get yourself ready to take whatever comes your way. Good luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
woinlove Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 I don't understand why you BSs stay after your Husband cheats. You can call it whatever you want to call it, but it's blatant disrespect. Ok, I can understand if there are young children, but if not, why would you stay with a man that cheated on you?? You might say you love each other. Yes, but he cheated. It just sounds pathetic to me. I would leave. Your marriage obviously will never be the same again, judging from the overwhelming amout on bitterness I see here on this site. Yes, that is the question: How many DDs will it take to make you say "no more". In the absence of children, shouldn't it be only one? Your Husband chose to put his penis into another woman. He didn't have to. Some people don't understand why people chose to be OW/OM and some people don't understand why some BS chose to stay married after discovering the A. If someone doesn't understand and chooses not to listen to people who explain their reasons, then they still will not understand. They only way to gain understanding is to either experience it yourself or to actually listen to people who have experienced it. As to what you think others should do about their marriage, what basis do you make that judgement on? It is just a matter of what you think you would do? Many say they reacted differently on d-day than they predicted they would act. So saying what others should do on something that you think you might do, but don't know for sure, seems like a pretty shaky basis for making such a judgement. The understanding I have gleaned from the BS who post here and who have stayed married is they made the choice that made them the happiest in the long-term. They felt they had the love and sharing, as well as the remorse and desire of the WS, on which to rebuild a successful marriage and so they took it. Not sure if there are any here that had multiple d-days, although the first d-day may have stretched into a period of time, before there was real openness and honesty. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 ^^^ thanks Woinlove. I have been looking at that post for the last few minutes trying to figure out how to answer it and was just blocked. You said a lot of the things that were swirling around in my head. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 15, 2012 Share Posted September 15, 2012 Honestly, who cares why they stay? It's their decision, and if both people are in agreement, and they can rebuild, then I wish them the best. It's easy on the outside looking in, but when you're in it, it's not nearly as easy to make those decisions. Many couples have many years of living together, raising a family, spending holidays and vacations together, many good memories. No marriage is bad ALL the time... none. If the WS is willing to put in the work, and finds the relationship worth saving, then more power to them... and I hope that in those cases the BS DOES stay! Bc if two people want to be together, and can make it work, then that's where they need to be! If they find it doesn't work, or can't be made to work, then what they choose is still their business. I think it's easy to say that you would leave the second you knew your spouse was cheating, but trust me on this one, it's not that easy. And there are so many variables that factor into play, every situation is going to be different. If my exMM and his wife decide to work it out, then I wish them the best, as that is obviously where they each need to be, for whatever reason. I will not intrude, I will not attempt to interfere, or sway the results. I will leave them to it, happily. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I'm glad that your doing well, how long after it ended did you find out and how did you find out? Oct 3 2011 was that last day of contact. I found most of the facebook messages on June 16 2012. I won't go into further details about how I found out the rest as it can help AP cover their tracks. Are you 100% sure it is over and not still going on? Absolutely, the last of the contact was very general in nature. With her marriage being on the rocks. I also tracked down plenty of information and outed her to her husband. I also talked with her. I do not snope through his email all the time, just once in awhile. The OBS is able to track her phone and is keeping an eye on her. Also it helps that the OW's BS outed her as having Gential Warts. God help him if I ever contract them. There will be hell to pay. I hope that it's over for all involved, I just know mine isn't and his wife doesn't know, or at least she doesn't let on she knows. The thing about AP's continuing the affair is you will get caught again. There is only so much information that you can hide before one of you slips up. And that is why I am not to worried. If he does it again I am ready to move on with my life without him. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I don't understand why you BSs stay after your Husband cheats. You can call it whatever you want to call it, but it's blatant disrespect. They call it love..... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaken_not_stirred Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 I don't understand why you BSs stay after your Husband cheats. You can call it whatever you want to call it, but it's blatant disrespect. They call it love..... They stay for many many reasons, they love them, they may be afraid to be alone, they need to be supported or they stay for the kids. Also if someone is truly sorry for what they've done, I understand why a BS would hang on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author shaken_not_stirred Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 The thing about AP's continuing the affair is you will get caught again. There is only so much information that you can hide before one of you slips up. And that is why I am not to worried. If he does it again I am ready to move on with my life without him. We never got caught the first time, he told her. Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 (edited) QUOTE=shaken_not_stirred;4264435]They stay for many many reasons, they love them, they may be afraid to be alone, they need to be supported or they stay for the kids. Also if someone is truly sorry for what they've done, I understand why a BS would hang on. Right, I understand all that you are saying, and not to stray from the original subject, but, as you were saying about slip ups. I suppose we all have to do what is best for ourselves and we all have our own levels of tolerance. Quite frankly, I believe that all the OW and OM deserve so much better than having to worry about getting caught. Edited September 17, 2012 by skywriter Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 The thing about AP's continuing the affair is you will get caught again. There is only so much information that you can hide before one of you slips up. And that is why I am not to worried. If he does it again I am ready to move on with my life without him. We never got caught the first time, he told her. Good for you not getting caught the first time. I would suggest you be very careful now. She is not blind anymore. Why did he confess if she was non the wiser? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
underwater2010 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I don't understand why you BSs stay after your Husband cheats. You can call it whatever you want to call it, but it's blatant disrespect. And on the otherside of the coin, he is blatantly disrespecting you too. Yet you still want him. Ok, I can understand if there are young children, but if not, why would you stay with a man that cheated on you?? Your right, if not for my kids I would have left. But here is a shocker....they are 13, 10 and 1. The better question is why would an OW want a man that lies to be with the her? What is in it for the OW? His finances are tied up with his household. You might say you love each other. Yes, but he cheated. It just sounds pathetic to me. I would leave. I would say it is pathetic that a healthy single woman would want someone else's man. Your marriage obviously will never be the same again, judging from the overwhelming amout on bitterness I see here on this site. I am not bitter. Maybe a little sad, but not bitter. Our relationship is not the same, it is getting better than ever before. Yes, that is the question: How many DDs will it take to make you say "no more". Never again. How many Ddays until the OW realizes that he is not willing to leave his wife? In the absence of children, shouldn't it be only one? Your Husband chose to put his penis into another woman. He didn't have to Lol....the funny thing is his penis was still active with me. I wonder if the OW thinks about that when she is having sex with a MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
eleanorrigby Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 But, you were/are his wife Underwater. Are you comfortable with the knowledge that when he kissed you, you were probably unknowingly tasting her vagina on his tongue? You seriously dragged that one out? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 But, you were/are his wife Underwater. Are you comfortable with the knowledge that when he kissed you, you were probably unknowingly tasting her vagina on his tongue? Egad! You really have to stop triggering my OCD regarding cleanliness here Tara! I enjoy your insight, and think you have a lot of it, but I do think that softening it up a bit might cause less friction. Just my opinion. I haven't been offended by anything you've said to me, but I do notice that others sometimes are by what you say to them. I think a lot of what you say has merit, and might be taken better if presented differently... Feel free to dismiss, as it does seem to be your style, just my 2 cents... Link to post Share on other sites
mercy Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I don't understand why you BSs stay after your Husband cheats. You can call it whatever you want to call it, but it's blatant disrespect. Ok, I can understand if there are young children, but if not, why would you stay with a man that cheated on you?? You might say you love each other. Yes, but he cheated. It just sounds pathetic to me. I would leave. Your marriage obviously will never be the same again, judging from the overwhelming amout on bitterness I see here on this site. Yes, that is the question: How many DDs will it take to make you say "no more". In the absence of children, shouldn't it be only one? Your Husband chose to put his penis into another woman. He didn't have to. One hunderd and one dd's then I swear I'm done. Finished it's over and he knows it! Well, maybe I'll forgive him one hundred and one times but I swear if he does it again! IT'S OVER after 102 dd's that's it! Unless he's got a damn good excuse, I mean he could,ya know? My h has been with many women. Thousands, Mick Jagger bows down to him. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Egad! You really have to stop triggering my OCD regarding cleanliness here Tara! I enjoy your insight, and think you have a lot of it, but I do think that softening it up a bit might cause less friction. Just my opinion. I haven't been offended by anything you've said to me, but I do notice that others sometimes are by what you say to them. I think a lot of what you say has merit, and might be taken better if presented differently... Feel free to dismiss, as it does seem to be your style, just my 2 cents... Clarification - I didn't meant that it is your style to dismiss others, but that I would understand if you didn't take my "advice" on how to present things to people bc blunt does seem to just be your style. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 One hunderd and one dd's then I swear I'm done. Finished it's over and he knows it! Well, maybe I'll forgive him one hundred and one times but I swear if he does it again! IT'S OVER after 102 dd's that's it! Unless he's got a damn good excuse, I mean he could,ya know? My h has been with many women. Thousands, Mick Jagger bows down to him. Ha... Jagger bows down to NOONE! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I hear ya, AR. Just being real, that is my style. I get it. Personally, I find it refreshing, that there is no verbal dance with you, you're just out with it, lol. I know not all agree. But for some reason, I honestly have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that you are here gathering research. It honestly feels like that to me sometimes in your post, that you are simply observing, gathering, and analyzing. Is there something you need to tell us? Link to post Share on other sites
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