he hates my past... but his doesn't matter?

[young&idealistic]

Tonight was my birthday. It was great, until my bf brought up my past. I've only had sex with a few guys... serious boyfriends and one terrible terrible mistake. A one night stand that I really regret and wrote a post about a few days ago.

 

My bf knows all about my past because I really believe in honesty, so he knows about my sleeping with this guy we both go to school with. We only see him occasionally, but every time we see him it makes him very angry. By the way--the one night stand was before I met my boyfriend. I would never cheat.

 

I've apologized a million times for having a "past" (which honestly seems like it's not that bad compared to other girls I know.) But tonight--on my birthday, mind you--he told me he never may forgive me for it.

 

Here's the kicker--he's slept with 47 girls!!! He says that girls should look for a guy who's confident and experienced in bed, but that guys want a girl who's pure and innocent. He says my one night stand has cheapened me for him. WHAT???? That's so unfair!!!

 

Now I think he might give me crap about this forever, when I'm not allowed to talk about his colorful past, as "that's just what guys are supposed to do." As though I should be happy he's "experienced."

 

We're both intelligent, both in med school, how the heck do I bring him into the millenium??? I used to consider myself a feminist! What can I do? Other than being jealous, he's great. Help!

[Gemini02]

Woah, he definatly has to be brought into the millenium.

 

I've apologized a million times for having a "past" (which honestly seems like it's not that bad compared to other girls I know.) But tonight--on my birthday, mind you--he told me he never may forgive me for it.

 

There is no reason to apologize for "having a past" Everyone has one, and everyone has things in it that they regret.

 

I understand where your boyfriend is coming from BUT I now know that it isn't right to be upset about a significant other's past. I was upset about my BF's past because, he's made a few mistakes considering sex, girlfriends, etc.

 

But this is what he told me: "If I had of known I was gonna meet you, I would have never done those things" That made me feel so much better. You need to tell your boyfriend that, it's a part of your past, he doesn't have to like it, but he needs to accept it and get over it because there's nothing you can do about it now.

 

Tell him it was a mistake, you've learned from it and that's all you can do. If you can get over it, so can he.

[saturn]

how long have you been together?

 

have you guys had sex yet?

 

If so, is he kinky in bed or does he wanna stick to the basic (ie BORING) missionary? Reason i ask, is because it sounds like he might suffer from the godawful Madonna/Whore complex. Where men put their woman on a pedestal, but NOT in a good way. They can't see her as a sexual being, they want her to be pure forever.

The other option, is that he expects you to do whatever he wants in bed, but he is supposed to be the one who "teaches" you all this stuff for the first time. You are pure and innocent except when he demands you not to be. on his own terms.

 

 

either way, this guy sucks. completely. i strongly urge you not to be involved with a guy who feels this way unless you share the same opinion. I dated a guy like this before (with the 2nd disposition) and it was hell, because i didnt believe that whole nonsense about how women should be pure but guys can sleep around as much as they want.

 

even thinking about that makes me mad

[moodyblues]

Making you feel bad on your birthday is pretty sh**ty. ESPECIALLY since your past is pretty d**m close to being "pure". As you said (in comparison to other girls I know). Having an "unpure" past myself, I do find it important to find someone on a similar sexual level as myself, and I do make sure that they are clean.

 

Beyond that though, reading your last post and this one, maybe you should think about getting rid of all of the emotional load so you can focus on med school that much more...become a doctor and find a nice guy that likes the strong, successful (feminist ) woman. They do exist, I PROMISE, or I would never date!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by young&idealistic

Tonight was my birthday. It was great, until my bf brought up my past. I've only had sex with a few guys... serious boyfriends and one terrible terrible mistake. A one night stand that I really regret and wrote a post about a few days ago.

 

My bf knows all about my past because I really believe in honesty, so he knows about my sleeping with this guy we both go to school with. We only see him occasionally, but every time we see him it makes him very angry. By the way--the one night stand was before I met my boyfriend. I would never cheat.

 

I've apologized a million times for having a "past" (which honestly seems like it's not that bad compared to other girls I know.) But tonight--on my birthday, mind you--he told me he never may forgive me for it.

 

Here's the kicker--he's slept with 47 girls!!! He says that girls should look for a guy who's confident and experienced in bed, but that guys want a girl who's pure and innocent. He says my one night stand has cheapened me for him. WHAT???? That's so unfair!!!

 

Now I think he might give me crap about this forever, when I'm not allowed to talk about his colorful past, as "that's just what guys are supposed to do." As though I should be happy he's "experienced."

 

We're both intelligent, both in med school, how the heck do I bring him into the millenium??? I used to consider myself a feminist! What can I do? Other than being jealous, he's great. Help!

 

When you apologise for that stuff, you demean yourself and every other girl around you. Your sexual history is just that-YOURS. Not his. He's a hypocrite. What a selfish little pr*ck. Telling YOU on YOUR birthday that he'll never forgive you for humping other people before you met? He sounds like a controlling jerk. Watch out for this one. I'm of course a bit paranoid-I imagine soon enough he'll try and guilt you into stopping contact with friends he doesn't like, and having a life of your own in general. Guys like these don't change. Keep your head up.

 

Please remember that the Maddona/Whore also extends into infidelity-men want a woman they can have an emotional relationship and will feed their kids and clean up the house, but they also want a woman who will give them blowjobs in the shower and bend over the kitchen table for a little alternate chute loving, and they can't reconcile the two in their heads so they simply just HAVE two.

 

Really, he sounds like an immature chauvanist jerk.

[young&idealistic]

Well I guess I solved that problem! I couldn't get the situation off my mind so I had to talk to him on the phone at work. I told him if he ever said anything so blatantly sexist again we were over, and the only reason that his double standard exists is because men made it up, and that if he thinks that way he better learn to keep his mouth shut because I'm not dating someone like that. And that it makes me want to do him bodily harm.

 

I kinda feel bad since he was doing rounds at the hospital, but I couldn't let it keep festering. He just said "I understand" and "I'll try" because he couldn't really talk. I think he realizes it's important to me now, and I know he doesn't want to break up over something like that.

 

To answer a few questions, he doesn't think of me as the pure woman because we are totally outrageous in bed, so I'm not worried about him cheating or anything. And I guess he just heard that double standard his whole life and didn't know any better. And then he used it because he can't help feeling jealous when he has to shoot the s*** with this guy.

 

He's probably gonna be really mad at me for being so harsh--I'm kinda scared the fight might continue because of the mean way I dealt with it. I guess I'll see when he gets off work!

[moodyblues]

I am like Mr Spock in that I am quick to see the control freak factors and worry about them. I tell you what though, GOOD JOB! Way to stand up for yourself, regardless of the bad timing. Obviously, try not to make it a habit, but good job. If he throws a fit or tries to dodge the issue and turn it back on you, then seriously think about getting rid of him. IMO he made you feel like crap on your birthday, you called him at work. Even Steven. Try to communicate at more appropriate times and manners in the future. Obviously, easier said than done.

[Fritz]

Here's the kicker--he's slept with 47 girls!!! He says that girls should look for a guy who's confident and experienced in bed, but that guys want a girl who's pure and innocent. He says my one night stand has cheapened me for him. WHAT???? That's so unfair!!!

 

rofl.. Sorry, thats just so hypocritical that its funny. The guy has issues here and his own past is what is causing them. This reminds me of that line from the movie Clerks about the "37 dicks!?" 47 women he's slept with? The term, man-whore comes to my mind. A guy can be confident and experienced in bed without having slept with 2-3 sororities IMO. At least I hope so, for my sake.

[Mr Spock]

No more apologising. You're not wrong-you weren't rude-this guy told you on your BIRTHDAY that he thought you were skanky. Pretty much. No more apologising to him!! You haven't done anything wrong!

[young&idealistic]

Thank you guys so much for your insight! All of you gave me a really important perspective on things. Actually, I really like gemini's boyfriend's explanation. It fit well in my situation, and I told my boy that in a letter and it made him feel a lot better.

 

He wasn't mad at all at me about being harsh with him while he was at work. He said he felt bad that he couldn't talk to me more, but that I should stop apologizing so much! (Definitely a common problem with me.) At heart he's a great guy, and he realized he crossed a line with me, and said he would try his best to never upset me like that again.

 

I guess, no matter what your past is, your lover's past can always turn you a little crazy. He didn't even intend to bring up my old indiscretion on my birthday. But he somehow got irritated and mentioned it, and stupid me encouraged him to share his feelings. Also, he says he understands that his past upsets me, even though he thought it was "expected" for a guy, what really matters to him is my feelings--even if it doesn't correspond to his accepted view of what guys and girls are allowed to do.

 

Well, I really appreciate so much all of your advice, even though I guess I probably got a little to girly and emotional over this thing.

[Craig]

You have nothing to apologize for.

 

Try to move your mouse. No, don't move it . . . TRY to move it. See the difference?

 

In my opinion your BF saying that he is going to TRY his best to never upset you like that again is just a way to buy time with you until he does it again. And again. Ad infinitum.

 

I wonder how your BF would feel if you said you were going to TRY to be faithful to him.

 

How would anyone feel if they're on a flight somewhere and the pilot says "we are going to try to land!" OMG!

 

His saying that he may never forgive you for your (in his opinion) past is disgusting and despicable in my opinion and just a cheap low down dirty way to attempt to control you. Stay aware of any other controlling behaviors that he may exhibit and if you don't feel good being around him or if you don't feel like you can be yourself then you probably need to consider thinking of him as an ex as these kinds of people just don't change they just keep "trying" to change.

 

Take care of yourself.

[reservoirdog1]

Never feel that you have to apologize for that. I'm glad you set him straight. He definitely needs to grow up.

 

Frankly, if anybody in that situation was the village bicycle, sounds like it was him.

[Babyface24]

See this is the thing. Yea the double standard is made by guys. Yes women who sleep with guys who are not their bf do risk a whole lot whether you like it or not as soon you part ways your name whether you know it or not is mud or somethin worse. Thats the way it works. Somethin I dont do is spread my business. Your bf knows the deal on that obviously.

[young&idealistic]

I hate to say it, babyface, but it seems like that's true, despite my being vehemently against it. I think it has a lot to do with the culture you live in. When I went to college in Atlanta, I was never surrounded by sexism, so this is new for me. In Atlanta, I only had sex with two guys--both serious long-term boyfriends, but all of my friends slept around, guys and girls. The girls and the guys were viewed in exactly the same light. I heard guys being called slutty as frequently as girls.

 

Now I'm in a smaller southern town surrounded by people from conservative southern families. I notice both guys and girls often cite this double standard. Actually no one knows about my one indiscretion other than my boyfriend whom I told and the guy involved, so I don't get any personal attacks. But I notice the standard so much more here.

 

Actually, I'd be very curious to know--do people from big cities have different views on the guys being studs, girls being sluts, double standard than people from smaller towns? This is something I've been curious about ever since living here.

[Grinning Maniac]

"37! My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks!"

 

"...In a row?"

[faux]

Originally posted by Mr Spock

When you apologise for that stuff, you demean yourself and every other girl around you. Your sexual history is just that-YOURS. Not his...

 

Her sexual history is something she does need to discuss with him, but not in detail. However, it was wrong of him to treat her in this manner. I definitely do not understand how he can have been with so many women, yet blame you for one mistake. It was very good of you to be honest about such things with him, but I feel it is wrong of him to say such things about you, and to make you feel this way.

 

Even if this had not been on your birthday, it would still be quite wrong. I believe his attitude is also impaired in a few ways. Men are not supposed to have sex with as many women as possible, unless you count the most basic need for procreation. Society and humanity have evolved to a point as to make such a thing unnecessary, and actually quite distasteful.

 

I suppose you need to decide for yourself, if you want to remain in a relationship where you are made to feel guilty about something you should not be made to feel guilty of. You need to figure out if you want to remain with someone who has such an attitude toward you, and women in general.

[young&idealistic]

darn it. I was so excited seeing that grinningmaniac had answered me, cuz I think his posts are SO funny. I was so nervous to see what he said, because I am also sensitive, but I wanted a little more.

 

Come on, give it at me. I'm disappointed--you can do better. The 37 thing was a reference to a movie I've seen (can't remember the name) but, really. It would mean so much to me if you would give me a satire of my sitch that I would understand.

 

And honestly, I really want to know--this is the perfect forum to find out--am I totally CRAZY for thinking that women in the city have more liberty than in small towns??? I know the Bible belt has to have a HUGE influence--I've lived in that FOREVER. But ATL, especially at Georgia Tech, just seemed so much more open! Sex in the city-- is that some myth? That's exactly what it's like when my girls and I get together in ATL.

 

OK, I'm being demanding, but I'm really freakin' curious. Come on, men? Anything? Come on, you know you want to...

[young&idealistic]

Real quick,

 

Sorry, I didn't read your quote, faux, before answering last time. That makes my last response seem insincere and uncaring.

 

I just want to say, thank all of you for how much you've built up my self esteem, when this situation has made it waiver a lot.

 

I do need to explain, though, that this situation has been resolved, as far as I'm concerned. My guy is really cool and has already apologized completely for making me feel bad. He's not some big macho a-hole, he just really is as insecure as all of us are sometimes. He expressed something to me that hit on one of my nerves, and I let him know that wasn't cool. And he understood. He knows I'm a force to be reckoned with.

 

Actually, I kinda feel bad for him because he knows how strong of a personality I have when I really am passionate about something!! He loves me, and I'm lucky to have that. I can't help his past, and he can't help mine. But there's one thing I can do--be totally honest with him about everything and always be loyal to him, and I have no reason to think he won't do the same.

 

But, that said, I'm still interested, how do different people feel about the double standard? I'm sorry, but I'd love to know. Big city? Bible belt? It all comes into play. It's an intellectual curiosity. Come on guys, help me out. I'm dying to know. Tell me!!!! (forget earlier post)

[moimeme]

Why not just start a new thread?

[Haunani]

Hi Young...........I wanted to add something here. What your bf said hit a major cord with me.

 

my husband of 20 yrs is a jealous man, when we met I thought it was *so cute*, so attentive..... blah blah blah. He dated my best friend loong ago, and sometimes when I remember something I will mention........Oh Remember when.... but because he was with my gf at the time, I hold no grudges, I love her dearly, I don't care, that's before time. But he's recently told me *I know everything I need to know about your past, there isn't anything more I need to know*. period. End of subject. When I explained how hurtful that statement was - with a callous look that he said *Okay, then WHAT exactly do you need to tell me about your past that I don't already know*. oh yeah, I really want to talk now.......

 

So my answer to you is this. Beware. This only told me, hide, don't tell him what he doesn't want to know. Then because of the closed in relationship we have, he doesn't hear anything anymore.

 

I now fall silent.

[FolderWife]

Hmmm...I'm sort of like this. I didn't like my boyfriends to have a past, because then I felt like I was being compared to their past.

 

It wasn't until I developed my own past, that I realized that HEY! I don't compare my guys, so why would they compare me!?

 

Your guy sounds insecure to me.