BTW my story..

[riverratt]

I have been married for 20 years. We did marry at young ages. 20 and 21 but we had lives of our own and were taking care of ourselves. Anyway I got the I don't love you anymore but that I was one of the best guys around and if anybody wanted to be married to a man it would be me. In 20 years I never cussed her in an argument much less lay a hand on her. I guess we both got caught up in the grind of life and "grew apart" but she is convinced that she can never find anything for me again. We are getting divorced. We are separated now waiting on the mortgage refinance so I can swing the mortgage. She wants nothing. We are splitting custody so there will be no child support. We have a 12 year old. She took half of what was in the savings account and left. She does make good money so that isn't an issue. She did leave me holding the bag even after she said she wouldn't but thats ok. I will survive. She has done some things that has made me wonder though. She has completely blown off my family. I have talked to hers a lot and have been told many times that our relationship will always be good and I was welcome in their houses anytime. They, her family, doesn't understand what happened or why she is doing some of things she is doing. It is her life to lead now. The fact she has blown off family and some old friends is a mystery to me. Not very smart. Good friends are hard to find and family just doesn't go away. There is a child involved. She will make new friends and has but I think she will regret the bridges she has burned. We live in a pretty tight knit town. I know she will move on. She is a very attractive women but to do it this way?? All I can say is good luck. It has been very hard on me but I am back up from my knees.

 

My mother in law told me to think about me and to make a decision. She says that there is a good chance that she may want to come back and try it again even though she says there is now way. She deals with this kind of stuff in her work and she says many times the dumper ends up having second thoughts in situations like ours. The dumpee usually moves on a lot better in the long run. She has been a big help. She has told me several times that I have everything going for me. Everybody knows me knows how good a person I am. Everybody likes me because I do cut up and keep even the worst moods pretty light. If anybody needs anything fixed in the family they always call you plus you are a very nice looking guy. You have the everything going for ya..according to her and I guess she is right. It is very tough going through the mess though but I have good friends, and it appears both families, giving support.

[Yasuandio]

Dear Riverrat,

 

Do you realize that the "reason" she gave you is just a cover-up for the real truth? Women do not leave happy, kind, generous, good men without a reason. "I don't love you," and/or "grown apart" are not reasons, in my opinion, you need to wrap your head around that reality right now, for the sake of your self-esteme.

 

Your Mother-in-Law is exactly corrert. Talk mindful heed of her advice and insight. At this time, while you are in this vulnerable state, it is most important that you stay cool, calm, collected, and confident (even if you have to fake it). Act accepting of your wife's proposal - in essense, since you do love her - you want her to be happy - so you will give her the divorce she wants with no problem (sounds like you are doing that already).

 

Perhaps you have heard of the 180's. It is a list of items, that, to which if you adhere to, you may likely prevent making a fool out of yourself and pushing your mate further away. The 180's are for your self-improvement - not to get your mate back. By applying the 180's, and avoiding certain mistakes in attempts to change your spouses mind (things that do not work, such as begging, pleading, crying, calling, texting too much, etc.), it's possible you could be perceived in a more positive light than if you had "acted out" on some of your impulses. I certainly wish I had discover the 180's two years earlier.

 

This is enough for now. I hope it is helpful. Yas

 

PS I recommend googling "Homer Mcdonald Interview" - where there are 5 free tape recordings and 8 readings. I would listen to each tape about three times before moving to the next tape.

Edited September 16, 2012 by Yasuandio

[riverratt]

Thanks and I have..There are other reasons. Thats why I am moving on myself...I have done a lot of soul searching and I am in good shape. I will say that she has had some depression issues, which is ok. People go through that. Not knocking anybody that has. I have wondered if it was as much of a mid life thing as anything.

 

Just to blow off your entire past life is a mystery to me. Why would somebody do that?

 

I am done with the marriage as well. Sure I love her and part of me always will. There has been some things done that was very disrespectful. Too much damage done for me.

 

I will check the tapes out. I have been going through this since May. Has taken some time.

 

Thanks again

[riverratt]

It is coming out of the closet. There is somebody else..

[Yasuandio]

The tapes will guide you Riverrat. Listen to them carefully. Follow exactly. Enthusiatically support her wishes and desires. Look at the positive side of divorce - it is FREEDOM. Spin it positive - don't get caught up in self-pity - for now, or at least in front of her. Throw a complete monkey wrench in her face, metephorically speaking. Furthermore, you will eventually learn that these little affairs seldom work out, and usually amout to a big ZERO waste. Yas

Edited September 19, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Chi townD]

It is coming out of the closet. There is somebody else..

 

 

Hell, I could have told you that! I wish you would have found us sooner!

 

Now, you need to collect whatever evidence you have and expose, expose and expose!!!! Affairs are like roaches. They love being in the dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, they scatter. Let people know that you aren't getting a divorce because "you've just grown apart" Tell them she's having an affair!. Find out about this guy, if he's married, seperated or divorced. OR if he has a girlfriend (other than your wife) expose to them! If he's single, find his folks. Expose to them! I'm sure mom would be really proud of her son busting up a marriage. By exposing you are killing their fantasy world. And people aren't going to be too accepting of their relationship. Do it now before she has a chance to put her own spin about this guy being in her life.

Edited September 19, 2012 by Chi townD

[g450]

The tapes will guide you Riverrat. Listen to them carefully. Follow exactly. Enthusiatically support her wishes and desires. Look at the positive side of divorce - it is FREEDOM. Spin it positive - don't get caught up in self-pity - for now, or at least in front of her. Throw a complete monkey wrench in her face, metephorically speaking. Furthermore, you will eventually learn that these little affairs seldom work out, and usually amout to a big ZERO waste. Yas

 

Good point. I tend to forget to tell people this, mostly because it's really the last thing they think about when they are in pain and going through a divorce but...

 

You are FREE. I learned that early on. Free to do what you want. Do all the things she hated that you did. Do what makes you happy. Buy a motorcycle. Go to a club and pick up a girl to have sex with. Hang out with friends and family. Paint your house purple, whatever the hell makes you happy. And then realize that you dont have that other negative person in your life anymore to tell you otherwise or argue with you about it.

[riverratt]

Hell, I could have told you that! I wish you would have found us sooner!

 

Now, you need to collect whatever evidence you have and expose, expose and expose!!!! Affairs are like roaches. They love being in the dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, they scatter. Let people know that you aren't getting a divorce because "you've just grown apart" Tell them she's having an affair!. Find out about this guy, if he's married, seperated or divorced. OR if he has a girlfriend (other than your wife) expose to them! If he's single, find his folks. Expose to them! I'm sure mom would be really proud of her son busting up a marriage. By exposing you are killing their fantasy world. And people aren't going to be too accepting of their relationship. Do it now before she has a chance to put her own spin about this guy being in her life.

 

I don't have to say a thing. I don't live in a big town and I have been getting calls out of the blue. Basically, their name is mud. Even the other persons family members have called me gave their support and told me it was BS. I am just sitting back and letting life bite them in the rear end.

 

I figured it would come out as I expected. I didn't mention on here because I didn't know for sure. The OM wife, they are separated as well, is throwing the evidence around. I am just collecting phone calls and support.

 

I am actually in good shape. I have already been through the sleepless nights, the stupid attacks. Now just focusing on myself and my son. I have been getting out and she is been wondering about it. Not dating, just getting out.

 

Funny thing is that everybody knows everybody and they are in their own little world. Everybody else seems to be jumping on my wagon. My silence about it is the worst part of it for them, I believe.

[riverratt]

or just move on .dot.dot.dot......

 

And I am, Coop.

 

 

My reputation is in tacked. Everybody knows me and the kind of person I am. My group of real friends is small but the group of people that know me is very large.

[riverratt]

Guess who is getting a little upset that I haven't stayed at home and grown mold. Not dating, be awhile for that just getting out. Back to the gym etc.

 

Anyway, not everybody knows we are getting divorced. Come to find out, a woman that knows us both from school that saw her made a remark of how good I looked. She said how I cut some weight and looked very nice when she saw me at the gym. I didn't see her. Come to find out, The ex was upset about it. Made a remark like, I am sure he does.

 

It is wrong for me to enjoy her "attitude" about how I am moving on. Very well I might add.

 

Sorry, I guess I had to gloat about it.

[MsOptimist]

It sounds like you are on the right track in recovering from this. Like you, I am liking the fact that I know I'm a good person and have a clean conscious throughout this mess. I don't know if my husband is cheating yet, but I think it's highly likely. Time will tell. He acts in the same way as your ex, trying to push everyone away - everyone tells me that's because he knows he's done something wrong.

 

We are both better off without these people in our lives. As much as this hurts I know it is true.

[Dreamless Sleep]

Good for you. It's fun to know the ex is a little jealous, Huh? They go off to find another yet are concerned when we get attention.

Yes it's petty but it makes me feel better.

[GuyInLimbo]

Hell, I could have told you that! I wish you would have found us sooner!

 

Now, you need to collect whatever evidence you have and expose, expose and expose!!!! Affairs are like roaches. They love being in the dark. But as soon as you turn on a light, they scatter. Let people know that you aren't getting a divorce because "you've just grown apart" Tell them she's having an affair!. Find out about this guy, if he's married, seperated or divorced. OR if he has a girlfriend (other than your wife) expose to them! If he's single, find his folks. Expose to them! I'm sure mom would be really proud of her son busting up a marriage. By exposing you are killing their fantasy world. And people aren't going to be too accepting of their relationship. Do it now before she has a chance to put her own spin about this guy being in her life.

 

Why do that? You gain nothing from it. The bigger thing is to move on and make a better life for yourself. I think this is a trashy, low-class way to go about things. Let his ex find out the hard way that affairs usually don't turn out to be successful LT relationships.

 

You got your freedom. Enjoy it and don't waste a minute of it on her if you don't have to.

[riverratt]

Why do that? You gain nothing from it. The bigger thing is to move on and make a better life for yourself. I think this is a trashy, low-class way to go about things. Let his ex find out the hard way that affairs usually don't turn out to be successful LT relationships.

 

You got your freedom. Enjoy it and don't waste a minute of it on her if you don't have to.

 

I think in this case you are right. The suspicion is enough to convict. I can't say for sure anything has happened but it doesn't matter. I know I am being very easy when we talk. I would like NC but we have a child and we both want Joint Physical Custody. We are fighting over nothing and are actually helping each other out so nobody gets burned in the money department. I am taking the high road. The one thing I will ask for is going to smack her in the face though. I want her to loose my name.

 

I don't want this mess tied to my family name. Reputations do matter. Mine will travel down to my son. I have remembered that. I was raised that way. "don't do anything that will embarrass this family"

[Steen719]

Guess who is getting a little upset that I haven't stayed at home and grown mold. Not dating, be awhile for that just getting out. Back to the gym etc.

 

Anyway, not everybody knows we are getting divorced. Come to find out, a woman that knows us both from school that saw her made a remark of how good I looked. She said how I cut some weight and looked very nice when she saw me at the gym. I didn't see her. Come to find out, The ex was upset about it. Made a remark like, I am sure he does.

 

It is wrong for me to enjoy her "attitude" about how I am moving on. Very well I might add.

 

Sorry, I guess I had to gloat about it.

 

NO, it is not wrong. Enjoy it.

[riverratt]

NO, it is not wrong. Enjoy it.

 

Bitter sweet...In a way.