Lilith Crane Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) A very warm hello to everyone reading and contributing here at LS! I am a completely detached and never looking back, single FOW. I have maintained strict NC on my part for well over a year. I did have a recent issue though and would appreciate some much needed perspective. Simply put and without TMI: After this long period of silence, BW decided to act out against me in ways that are irrefutably illegal. I got the authorities involved immediately and they were in agreement with me. Deplorable and inexcusable as it was, I know this woman’s behavior was fueled by all the lies her husband told her. Even when faced with this volatile situation and incontrovertible evidence to the contrary, xMM feebly persisted with his outlandish, crazy-making lies! Waywards, I don’t mean to sound overly harsh, but please help me understand so I can put this behind me. Does it even bother you when one side of the triangle you created literally attacks the other based on the lies you told? Edited September 16, 2012 by Lilith Crane font and formatting Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 Does it even bother you when one side of the triangle you created literally attacks the other based on the lies you told? Good question! Smh... I'm certain some feel bad a little but saving face is more important and some have lied to themselves so much that they can rationalize and be at peace with ANYTHING! I have to say I respect my exAP for the fact that he basically kept us separate. His idea was that he loves me and he loves her and it's two different relationships. He's not going to bring her up and their relationship and what's wrong about it and told me that likewise he wouldn't be discussing our relationship with some other person either. He protected her in that regard and it's a weird thing to say, BUT if my spouse were going to cheat, I'd rather them conduct it in a way where they don't feed the OW lies about me, have her knowing all our business and that kind of thing. There was no dday so I can't say how it would have been handled BUT if there were, based on how he conducted himself, I can imagine he'd not start making up vicious lies about me and he'd try to stave off any attacks on either of our parts on each other. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilith Crane Posted September 16, 2012 Author Share Posted September 16, 2012 ...I can imagine he'd not start making up vicious lies about me and he'd try to stave off any attacks on either of our parts on each other. This is what upset me when we initially ended. He actually seemed to be encouraging drama between us. I could almost see his ego inflating before my eyes. So, I just refused to engage. All that did was make him change tactics and begin using me as a convenient scapegoat. Eventually, I decided that since I was never going back to him, it didn't matter how much xMM lied about me to his BW, as long as they left me alone. Come to find out, it actually does matter. It matters quite a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted September 16, 2012 Share Posted September 16, 2012 (edited) This is what upset me when we initially ended. He actually seemed to be encouraging drama between us. I could almost see his ego inflating before my eyes. So, I just refused to engage. All that did was make him change tactics and begin using me as a convenient scapegoat. Eventually, I decided that since I was never going back to him, it didn't matter how much xMM lied about me to his BW, as long as they left me alone. Come to find out, it actually does matter. It matters quite a lot. That's sick..but unfortunately some men seem to be of this variety where it is all one big ego boosting game for them. My exAP, I'll say that about him, however misguided he was and as wrong as he was for the A, I do think he did find himself in a position he hadn't bargained for and then attempted as best as possible to "keep us both" as "respectfully" as he could. Some men aren't like this though and it all comes down to their personality, why they're in an A, etc. This man you're speaking of seems extremely emotionally immature and I'm sorry for all the drama even after you've tried to separate yourself. The bright side is that you're done with him and also good for you that you've gotten the authorities involved. Hopefully things calm down for you and I'm sure this woman has her work cut out for her with this man and his lies Edited September 16, 2012 by MissBee 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilith Crane Posted September 16, 2012 Author Share Posted September 16, 2012 ^^^ Yes - So done! Thanks, MissBee. Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherRound Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 This is what upset me when we initially ended. He actually seemed to be encouraging drama between us. I could almost see his ego inflating before my eyes. So, I just refused to engage. All that did was make him change tactics and begin using me as a convenient scapegoat. Eventually, I decided that since I was never going back to him, it didn't matter how much xMM lied about me to his BW, as long as they left me alone. Come to find out, it actually does matter. It matters quite a lot. Ew to him! That's pretty sad, that he would enjoy that. As far as I know, exMM never enjoyed or encouraged any issues between us. I know that he did make the new OW apologize to his stbxw - or at least was going to, and the new OW agreed, but somehow it never took place. lol And I dunno. To me, it doesn't matter really if he told her a bunch of lies about me. But then again, I don't think he did. ANd she def knows some stuff about me bc we have mutual friends - and I hear about her, so surely she hears about me sometimes too. But, I have never really cared much what others think about me. I'm much more worried about what I think of myself, and how I feel about myself - as at the end of the day, we are all alone in that, no matter our status. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilith Crane Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 That's how I felt too when exMM's BW suddenly began to try to kind of jab at me in public, a year and a half after I was not in the picture AND she had all those issues with the new OW! I was obviously not involved! But, I handled it gracefully - as in, just totally ignored her. Bc I know me, and had she encroached on my space at all (she slightly attempted to once), she very may well have ended up getting laid out - not bc I hate her, but bc she was ALL over my boundaries a year and a half after the fact. AND, she had opportunities to confront me during, I gave her so many, and she chose not to. So, as far as I'm concerned, she gave up her "right" to have any dialogue with me, and certainly never had the right to encroach on my personal space. I didn't hers... her husband is NOT her personal space or her property, he is an independent person who made his own choices, and she can't control that any more than I could. Yes, I gave him somewhere to go, but in the grand scheme of things, the two are not comparable - my property and space vs her husband. Two completely different things. I agree with this. I think to some extent at least, an OW will usually just deal with BW's outbursts patiently and quietly because we understand the circumstances. But there comes a time when enough is enough. Being betrayed doesn't give anyone the right to dole out punishment as they see fit - and definitely not over prolonged timeframes! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lilith Crane Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 A big thank you to everyone who took time to give such thoughtful replies. I realize this is a difficult and very serious topic. I'd still like to discuss at least one experience looking at things from the WS point of view. So, I'll just bump this back up to the top in hopes of getting a few more responses; but only once. Then, I am more than ready to let it go. Listening... Link to post Share on other sites
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