Virgin Guy 23 sick and lonley

[christian90z]

Let's start from the beginning, I'm a 23 year old virgin living in a small town. As a kid I was really really fat, and at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with diabetes. This made me change my lifestyle quite drastically, I had to change my diet and I have to eat regularly on the hour. I also started to workout, either going to the gym, jogging or swimming. I'm not the fittest guy in the world and I don't have a six-pack but I'm not the fat kid anynore and I know logically that I'm atleast decent looking. But I still have problems looking in the mirror since all I see is that ugly fat guy I used to be.

 

When I was 19 I went to a party with a couple of friends where I meet a girl. We had alot of fun talking and I could tell she was intrestead in me. We decided to leave the party and go skinny dipping at the beach, I was really nervouse about it since I'm not what you would call well endowed (5.5 inches). But on our way to the beach she gave me my first kiss and we stopped several times to make out, and I felt like I started to lose control over what I was doing. The thing is she was kind of drunk, (not falling over drunk but definatly not sober) I on the other hand because of my diabetes can't drink alcohol anymore. Before we started skinny dipping I asked her if she wanted to stop since she had been drinking and I was sober, she answerd me by taking of all her clothes and after that my brain wouldn't let my resist. I still feel guilty about it because some part of me feel like I took advantage of her, but I couldn't helpmyself. I had never been so happy in my life, kissing a girl that was sitting naked on my lap while in the water. Because her and my friend was with us we didn't go all the way, but I didn't care. I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me, when I told her she was my first kiss. Have u ever felt guilty for hooking up with or kissing a drunk girl when u where sober?

 

That really didn't help my confidence and to make matters worse I had developed a chronic condition called prostatitis which basically means almost every time I pee it feels like I'm peeing acid. And after an orgasm there is a 50/50 chance I will experience extreme pain. All this had made me really shy, and then I started my last year of high school. I actually got a couple of girl friends and I started to fall for a girl in my class. We could talk for hours everyday, but she had a boyfriend so I didn't want to cross that line. When see broke up with him I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was to late, after a month she started to date a good friend of mine. The rest of the school year went by with the love of my life beeing too far away. At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.

 

I've always been kind of a nerdy guy, playing video games and reading comics etc. And it's really clear if u come to my home that I'm a nerd. I'm almost like lenoard from the big bang theory expect I'm not that smart. So if I ever get a girlfriend there are somethings about me she is just going to have to accept. But because of all of my other problems, I just wouldn't feel right about subjecting someone to the pain I have to live with everyday. There has been other girls and even some grown women that has come on to me, but I've been to scared about my kissing, beeing a virgin I know I'm going to suck, because of my size, the chance of pain, and I will probably not last long. And beeing a virgin for so long I don't feel like it would be right to lose it to some random drunk girl. I'm not saving myself for marrige or anything like that, but I would like to atleast have known the girl for more then five seconds. I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know.

 

What kind of tips do u have for a guy like me to actually get a girlfriend?, a part of my feel like I don't deserve it, but I'm tired of beeing misrable, I want to be happy. I might get to a point where I will get desparet enough to just hook up with some random girl and pretend she cares about me but I'm not there yet. My birthday is coming up soon though and beeing without psyhical contact for so long is starting to get really hard. I just want a girl to share my life with, cuddle up in bed, and telling me she loves me. I had a dream about this recent girl last night and I woke up crying like a baby, it felt so good for a second to believe that someone was holding me and caring about me. I've actually considerd going to a prostitute, not for sex, but just laying on a bed and holding eachother. Should I just find some random girl to "train" with? So that I'm ready if I ever find someone that can love a guy like me. Cause honestly sex scares me, but I don't want to be bad if I find the right girl.

 

Sorry for potential bad grammar, I'm on pain meds atm.

[IllogicalLogics]

Hi Christian,

Thank you for your courage in speaking out and asking the right questions. I have been in your situation before but I was able to grow out of it. A lot of other guys have been in the same situation too.

 

The first question is how BAD do you want to get a girlfriend?

 

From your writing I can see that you have a lot of confidence issues and some medical issues too. If you really want to get a girlfriend then the stark reality is you WILL NEED TO CHANGE. What you have been doing till this point hasn't worked and trying the same thing over again hoping that a different result will come out of it is insanity.

 

Now that you got a slap and if you do really want to change then please read on.

 

1) You will need to fix your confidence issues and self love. If you don't love yourself you will never gain love from anyone else. You have weight issues, so do millions of other people. You have prostitus, so DO millions of other people. The question is WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT! You did the right thing by asking for help. Now you have to help yourself to receive help.

 

2) The way you have been acting around girls have put them off as well as you being selfish. There are no such things as the girls of your dreams. There is no such thing as if I reveal my love she will come jumping into my arms to fall in love with me! You must become stronger. Remember women are looking for MEN not boys so you will need to be their protector.

 

3) If you don't want to lose your virginity the learn how to pleasure women in other ways. You have a mouth, you have fingers and you have the best weapon and that's your imagination.

 

Take a bit at a time and work on your confidence first.

 

Regards

 

IllogicalLogics

[Brunettie]

I'm just going to say, most girls aren't going to care that you're not a good kisser. That's something that is easily fixable. You just need to find a really good, caring girl. She'll help you with the kissing, and she'll understand what you're going through (the 50/50 chance of pain you mentioned)

You shouldn't feel guilty, or feel like you're casting your problems onto someone else. You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else. And besides, everyone has problems of their own.

[b1663r]

Hey 90z,

 

Like what have been mentioned, you have to fix your outlook of yourself and life in general. You have a kind soul and heart, but if you exude bad or negative vibes, it will be picked up. I have learnt that keeping a positive attitude, sitting straight, walking strong and tall, keeping strong eye contact and smile at anyone makes you look sexy. No matter how fat, short or ugly you are, the vibe attracts the person.

 

you are still young and you can

1) lose the weight

2) eating multiple meals actually increases your metabolism if you exercise - so it works hand in hand!

3) medical science are always developing - keep ahead of it and stay off the hard drugs and find natural solutions to fix your bodily defects - don't brood over it.

4) looking at the positive side of things instantly heals you

 

you might think all these are rubbish and rather "hippy", but I know where you are coming from. games give a small and instant rewarding feeling, i know, i am a game designer. this small rewards makes individuals crave for early gratifications and instant feedback. this does not work in reality. I recently changed my outlook in life and now I have new encounters with girls and learning how to read signs and always deciding what actions to do. and I realize asking on forums always confuses me more and I always needed reassurance of my actions. so it always boils down to confidence and your motives.

 

so wrap the concept of positive thinking around your head and start saying hi to girls with confidence. make/find excuses to be closer to them!

[BetheButterfly]

Let's start from the beginning, I'm a 23 year old virgin living in a small town. As a kid I was really really fat, and at the age of 18 I was diagnosed with diabetes. This made me change my lifestyle quite drastically, I had to change my diet and I have to eat regularly on the hour. I also started to workout, either going to the gym, jogging or swimming. I'm not the fittest guy in the world and I don't have a six-pack but I'm not the fat kid anynore and I know logically that I'm atleast decent looking. But I still have problems looking in the mirror since all I see is that ugly fat guy I used to be.

 

When I was 19 I went to a party with a couple of friends where I meet a girl. We had alot of fun talking and I could tell she was intrestead in me. We decided to leave the party and go skinny dipping at the beach, I was really nervouse about it since I'm not what you would call well endowed (5.5 inches). But on our way to the beach she gave me my first kiss and we stopped several times to make out, and I felt like I started to lose control over what I was doing. The thing is she was kind of drunk, (not falling over drunk but definatly not sober) I on the other hand because of my diabetes can't drink alcohol anymore. Before we started skinny dipping I asked her if she wanted to stop since she had been drinking and I was sober, she answerd me by taking of all her clothes and after that my brain wouldn't let my resist. I still feel guilty about it because some part of me feel like I took advantage of her, but I couldn't helpmyself. I had never been so happy in my life, kissing a girl that was sitting naked on my lap while in the water. Because her and my friend was with us we didn't go all the way, but I didn't care. I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me, when I told her she was my first kiss. Have u ever felt guilty for hooking up with or kissing a drunk girl when u where sober?

 

That really didn't help my confidence and to make matters worse I had developed a chronic condition called prostatitis which basically means almost every time I pee it feels like I'm peeing acid. And after an orgasm there is a 50/50 chance I will experience extreme pain. All this had made me really shy, and then I started my last year of high school. I actually got a couple of girl friends and I started to fall for a girl in my class. We could talk for hours everyday, but she had a boyfriend so I didn't want to cross that line. When see broke up with him I wanted to tell her how I felt but I was to late, after a month she started to date a good friend of mine. The rest of the school year went by with the love of my life beeing too far away. At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.

 

I've always been kind of a nerdy guy, playing video games and reading comics etc. And it's really clear if u come to my home that I'm a nerd. I'm almost like lenoard from the big bang theory expect I'm not that smart. So if I ever get a girlfriend there are somethings about me she is just going to have to accept. But because of all of my other problems, I just wouldn't feel right about subjecting someone to the pain I have to live with everyday. There has been other girls and even some grown women that has come on to me, but I've been to scared about my kissing, beeing a virgin I know I'm going to suck, because of my size, the chance of pain, and I will probably not last long. And beeing a virgin for so long I don't feel like it would be right to lose it to some random drunk girl. I'm not saving myself for marrige or anything like that, but I would like to atleast have known the girl for more then five seconds. I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know.

 

What kind of tips do u have for a guy like me to actually get a girlfriend?, a part of my feel like I don't deserve it, but I'm tired of beeing misrable, I want to be happy. I might get to a point where I will get desparet enough to just hook up with some random girl and pretend she cares about me but I'm not there yet. My birthday is coming up soon though and beeing without psyhical contact for so long is starting to get really hard. I just want a girl to share my life with, cuddle up in bed, and telling me she loves me. I had a dream about this recent girl last night and I woke up crying like a baby, it felt so good for a second to believe that someone was holding me and caring about me. I've actually considerd going to a prostitute, not for sex, but just laying on a bed and holding eachother. Should I just find some random girl to "train" with? So that I'm ready if I ever find someone that can love a guy like me. Cause honestly sex scares me, but I don't want to be bad if I find the right girl.

 

Sorry for potential bad grammar, I'm on pain meds atm.

 

Congratulations on losing weight! That is really hard to do! Keep taking care of your health, k?

 

My advice is the following:

 

1. Don't let past experiences get you down. Rather, just consider them learning experiences.

 

2. Enjoy life!!! Getting depressed doesn't help with dating at all. Make up your mind to enjoy life and not wallow in the depths of despair.

 

3. Keep working out and eating healthy! Also, if you go to the gym, be nice to the girls there. Say Hi to those you see frequently.

 

4. Get involved in helping those in need. This makes the world a better place. Also, there are some lovely girls who want to make a positive difference in the world. Maybe you will find someone through helping others?

 

5. Learn from friends who are girls. Ask them about what girls like. Girls are all diverse, but asking your friends who are girls questions can help you understand better many of them.

 

6. Learn from good men how to treat women. Please don't learn from players. Sadly, many players mess up girls and make them feel worse about themselves, instead of truly caring for them.

 

7. See about group dates. It's really fun to hang out with a group of single people and go bowling, playing paintball, going hiking, camping, and doing other activities in a group! When I was single, I greatly enjoyed that!!

[Jamesblame]

Dude,

 

Sex isn't everything. You'll have it when you're emotionally and socially ready. I'd work on your self esteem and TRY being happy as a single guy.

 

You'll have sex, it won't be as great as you imagine, and you'll have a girlfriend , and a break up, and all that junk.

 

It's best to just work on yourself until you're comfortable with your life. Then I guarantee women will flock to you.

 

Also small towns= the pitts.

 

Move. Come back when you have a family.

[Jamesblame]

Tips to date:

 

Go online.

Come up with a cliched long form greeting

Send it to everyone

Set up coffee dates/ happy hour dates

Ask friends to set you up.

Exercise for your own health

Build up hobbies

Hang out with friend.s

[jakelongot]

A word of advice...

 

You might think you want a long term girlfriend, but you don't. When you are looking for a long term girlfriend you generally have a high set of standards because you will be spending a lot of time with this person. This is actually the opposite of what you want.

 

Believe it or not, it is a blessing you are not in a relationship. I can't tell you how many people I know missed out on a ton of personal growth by locking themselves up in relationships from an early age. People that have the same girl from high school through college and then wake up one day and realize they missed out on all of that.

 

My advice would be to get a short term girlfriend. Like 3-6 months. You don't need her to be super hot. Just understanding and someone to give you experience. By the time you have sex a few times and get comfortable with it your confidence will be through the roof!

 

At that point you break up with the girl and truly experience your 20's. Because even if you find that right girl in a few years and even if she is perfect you will always wonder what else is out there. Have relatively low standards now, find that first girlfriend, get your confidence up and you won't regret it.

[suladas]

Dude,

 

Sex isn't everything. You'll have it when you're emotionally and socially ready. I'd work on your self esteem and TRY being happy as a single guy.

 

You'll have sex, it won't be as great as you imagine, and you'll have a girlfriend , and a break up, and all that junk.

 

It's best to just work on yourself until you're comfortable with your life. Then I guarantee women will flock to you.

 

Also small towns= the pitts.

 

Move. Come back when you have a family.

 

THIS. I got my first steady girlfriend at 22. Life is so much easier when you've been single forever. Relationships can be great, but they can be hell and are a lot of work. And if you think you're lonely now, wait till you have a girlfriend then are single again, it's 100x worse. It's a also more common then you think for people at your age to still be virgins.

[suladas]

A word of advice...

 

You might think you want a long term girlfriend, but you don't. When you are looking for a long term girlfriend you generally have a high set of standards because you will be spending a lot of time with this person. This is actually the opposite of what you want.

 

Believe it or not, it is a blessing you are not in a relationship. I can't tell you how many people I know missed out on a ton of personal growth by locking themselves up in relationships from an early age. People that have the same girl from high school through college and then wake up one day and realize they missed out on all of that.

 

My advice would be to get a short term girlfriend. Like 3-6 months. You don't need her to be super hot. Just understanding and someone to give you experience. By the time you have sex a few times and get comfortable with it your confidence will be through the roof!

 

At that point you break up with the girl and truly experience your 20's. Because even if you find that right girl in a few years and even if she is perfect you will always wonder what else is out there. Have relatively low standards now, find that first girlfriend, get your confidence up and you won't regret it.

 

I'm back and forth on this. Many people marry young and it lasts a long time, and are happy. Some might regret not being single, but I bet just as many don't. Definitely need have some fun before settling down though in my opinion.

[christian90z]

I actually met someone mid november, like me she didn't have it easy growing up. She have some health problems like I do (clearly not the same thing) and we shared alot of the same intrests. I know it was to early to tell, but within the first couple of days, I pretty much knew she was the one I wanted to lose my virginity to. But I knew I would have to tell her all the spesifics of my health problems before anything could happen.

 

She early figured out that I was not used to this kind of stuff, and after a couple of weeks she asked me if I was a virgin and I told her yes. She had been so open and honest about her life and experiences good and bad, so when she asked me if I was saving my self or if there was a spesific reason I decided to do the same and tell her the truth about everything. She said that she understood and there was no rush. We were both busy with work the last couple of days so we didn't see eachother, but it gave me time to think. And I was just more and more convinced that she was the girl I had been waiting for. Then comes to fun part that sounds like it came out of a f*****g movie, I take all the preporcusions I can possibly take and drive over to her appartment and catch her having sex with her ex.

 

She then apologises for me having to find out that way, but tells me that sex is a very important part in a relationship for her, and she didn't know if she could handle all the humps and work it would take to get it to maybe work out. I tell her that I understand, and that honestly I wouldn't want to go out with me either, I'm just too screwed up. It hurt like hell, but we weren't in a compited relationship or whatever, so I really couldn't be too mad.

 

And she should count herself lucky that she didn't go for me, around christmas I got an infection that made everything worse. Meaning I'm now pretty much in chronic pain 24/7, I have to use pain meds everyday regularly just to be able to half way function, and I've had to up the doses drastically and I'm still in some form of uncomfort. Last time I had an orgasm I ended up in the E.R. where they had to give me morphine to get the pain to go away and I for the first time since what feels like forever slept longer then 2-3 hours at a time. I am damaged goods and I always will be.

 

Which is why I've decided to save up money to go to amsterdam, I'm going to numb myself with drugs, buy a high end escort to give me the girlfriend experience, pretending that she loves me, lose my virginity, and after that I'm not sure how much more I can take and how long I will go on for. One thing is for sure, I can't wait for the legalization of the medicin my doctor has told me could possibly help

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened with the girl. I don't think she was very kind. Basically she was drunk and so try and take it with a pinch of salt. Maybe she makes a habit of sleeping with guys and then complaining about them? Who knows?

 

Kissing is something you will get better at with practice. Don't allow one girl to judge you like that.

 

I'm sorry to hear of your illness too and I can understand that you would find that demoralising. I hope you get the best treatment possible and keep up to date with research, just in case something could help and you don't have to suffer pain. I really hope so anyway. Any decent woman who cares about you will not be put off by this. She will want to make you feel better not worse. She will try and help you to find ways of enjoying yourself without suffering.

 

You sound a sensitive guy and that's not a bad thing. You are not going to be as hard a some guys who will just move on to the next girl if they get a disappointing response with one, but you will get chances and all you can do is to learn from experience. That is what it is after all - experience. I can't tell you how appalling I was at kissing at first - I hadn't a clue and must have seemed a complete cold fish when it was just shyness. As you get more comfortable with a girl (not one-night stand), you'll be able to relax more and enjoy sensations rather than worry about whether she's too drunk to be able to make grown-up choices. I think it was the wrong girl at the wrong time.

 

Onwards ever onwards ...

[ChessPieceFace]

I tried contacting her a couple of days later and then she told me it was a nice evening but she didn't want to meet me. She also told me the reason was that I wasn't a good kisser and that she didn't want to teach me

 

Ahahaha. She was a worthless immature girl, stop worrying about her.

 

At the end of the school year I couldn't take it anymore, I told her how I felt. I said I didn't expect anything I just had to tell her, she was the first girl I had ever loved. Let's just say that not only didn't she respond to my feelings, but I lost one of the best friends I've ever had. That really made me feel guilty, and the thought of ever telling a girl how I feel really scares me.

 

Been there dude. Wrecked me but eventually got over it after years and realizing it was stupid to care about the girl. Telling them how you feel is the worst move possible. You only do that after you know they love you. Even then, some of them will lose interest because they're only in it for the chase.

 

I recently met a gir that I thought could be perfect for me, we went out for a couple of times on what I thought were dates, but a couple of days ago she changed her facebook status to in a releationship with a guy I know.

 

You're just having bad luck with immature girls. You're young, maybe girls are just getting worse and worse and more immature, not sure.

 

If you keep selectively pining over one girl every so often, you'll be stuck in this cycle of failure and rejection. Work on yourself and stop worrying about the feelings of individual girls. It sucks but that's how it is. If they don't like you, move on. Stop imagining scenarios in your mind about all the amazing times you'd have had with those girls, they're just fantasies. It never would have happened with those girls and you're just pointlessly hurting yourself with fantasy. The girl didn't like you, move on.

 

Introverts like us are not only disadvantaged, meaning we have to try MORE often than others, even though we hate the process more than others. No way around it though.

Edited February 22, 2013 by ChessPieceFace