NC feels like a death sentence

[LaCurieuse]

So I did it....I told him today that we must stop all communication so that he can work on fixing his marriage. He agrees but would prefer to keep in touch. In the end, we have agreed to NC. I find myself having to be the tough one when he is the one that is married, needing to figure things out, and I am the one who is single, alone, and having to cut off from the person I love most in the world.

 

NC feels like a death sentence. I feel dead. I wonder if I can be resuscitated one day.

[Mount]

:oI know...it is painful when NC with the MM.

 

How long have been in A the the MM?

[Ladydrib]

We are here to help get you through it. Remember the intensity of the pain comes and goes. Sounds like you are in an intense moment in time. You'll have a wave of energy soon and feel a lot better. Get through to that next wave. Do you feel up to getting out and going for a strenuous hike or anything? I find this helps me if there is any danger involved. Because I focus so much on the hike and making each step right so that I don't slip and fall. This really helps me heal.

[MissBee]

So I did it....I told him today that we must stop all communication so that he can work on fixing his marriage. He agrees but would prefer to keep in touch. In the end, we have agreed to NC. I find myself having to be the tough one when he is the one that is married, needing to figure things out, and I am the one who is single, alone, and having to cut off from the person I love most in the world.

 

NC feels like a death sentence. I feel dead. I wonder if I can be resuscitated one day.

 

In a word: yes

 

Doing the right thing isn't always easy but trust that these feelings are transient and I haven't met a soul who was thrilled about NC..but all survived and went on to be happy about their choice. Whether it was that it allowed them to completely move on and never return to that relationship, or keep their dignity while things were figured out.

 

Be proud of yourself. Hang in there, you'll be fine!

[LaCurieuse]

:oI know...it is painful when NC with the MM.

 

How long have been in A the the MM?

 

We've been in a relationship for 9 months and have known each other for 3 years.

 

He is older than me, has two kids, the youngest one has just gone off to university this weekend. So now, he will be facing an empty nest and a hurting BW. I imagine that something has to come out of that, one ay or another, with no distractions from kids, or me.

[LaCurieuse]

We are here to help get you through it. Remember the intensity of the pain comes and goes. Sounds like you are in an intense moment in time. You'll have a wave of energy soon and feel a lot better. Get through to that next wave. Do you feel up to getting out and going for a strenuous hike or anything? I find this helps me if there is any danger involved. Because I focus so much on the hike and making each step right so that I don't slip and fall. This really helps me heal.

 

I really appreciate your words; thank you. Luckily I have non-judgmetal girlfriends with whom I can talk about this...to walk with, or to cry on.

 

He on the other hand is from a different generation and is convinced that their mutual friends would judge him and choose her if he left her. I wonder if he is exaggerating and expecting the worst or if they would indeed reject him if he were to choose the other, younger woman. Hard to say as I have never entered his world, met or even seen his friends, children or wife.

[Fitz]

Realize that most break ups are painful.

 

And it's no different for you just because you're the "other woman." It's still a break up. And these things usually hurt. Realize that what you're feeling now (the pain, the second guessing yourself, the loneliness) is a completely normal human experience after ending a relationship.

[hermione08]

Two months NC here: it gets better!

At the beginning I was feeling like you say, dead, but now I feel so much better.

Come on, you can do it!

[LaCurieuse]

I am sure you are right. I just feel like a desperate cow hoping he will come back to me!

[Ladydrib]

I am sure you are right. I just feel like a desperate cow hoping he will come back to me!

 

And you never know, he might. But don't sit around wondering or hoping because you'll be wasting your time and driving yourself crazy. Let it be and dive into your own life. He is going to be in the back of your mind a lot, but just keep pushing through it and keep engaged in your life. Staying as busy and active as possible.

 

You're not desperate. You are in love with someone who is not available, and that hurts. But you're doing the right thing and it will get better - with or without him. :-)

 

Oh and be careful if he does come back. You'll be so excited you might fall back into an affair again. If he comes back, make him prove he is leaving or send him on his way.

[Ladydrib]

LaCurieuse,

 

You're story is actually a lot like mine. The big differences I see is that your man has an empty nest, and he said he wants to work on his marriage. My guy has adult children in the house which do not appear to be in any hurry to get thier own houses. He also has never said he wants to work on his marriage. He maintains that it's been over for years. But I do suspect he wants to see what happens whenever the adult children do move out. Anyway my guy did come back after the first time we had no contact. it took about a month. We had been together for over a year. Never during that year had he made a decision to end it with me or his wife. Which is why I made the decision to end it. Anyway after a month he came back and said he could not live without me and he wanted a divorce. But no action. Anyway, so I left again. I gave him only a month the second time. I have no clue what will happen in my future, but I'm not going to try to push it in any specific direction. I'm just going to set boundaries (i.e. not take part in an affair for any reason) and take actions based on what is right (i.e. not sit like a deer in headlights in a bad marriage) And I know I'll end up in a better place by doing what is right and not being complacent.

[veryhappy]

You may not be done with the back and forth, and are vulnerable to get back in contact with him. If you cave, don't beat yourself up, but do it as a reality check and confirm that nothing has changed. Don't resume the A. As much as it hurts, your story is not unique, and many here know the feeling.

 

At some point you will be so fed up, NC will feel like freedom. For me it got easier each subsequent time. When you'll be done, you'll know it.

Edited September 16, 2012 by cutedragon

[LaCurieuse]

So, a day after we decide to go NC, he forwards me a text message he sent to his best friend in which he describes his inner turmoil. A message which essentially states that he has huge love for me, but is scared to death of his kids hating him for leaving his wife and losing their love (they are 18 and 20 and both at uni). That his wife has begged him to work on rescuing the relationship now that both kids are moved out; that he thinks its the right thing to do as she has been in his life for 30 years.

 

He mentions that if he cannot make it work, he will throw in the towel and move away, start over again (he has been promised a fantastic job for 2Q 2013 in a country far from the one in which we live).

 

I hesitate to reply....given that we just agreed upon NC and all!

[hermione08]

Do not reply, do not break NC.

Why is it that so many men feel the need to rescue their marriages only after having cheated?? If he really thought his marriage of 30 years was worth saving, why did he cheat in the first place?

He's just wasting your time. Don't let him do this.

[LaCurieuse]

LaCurieuse,

 

You're story is actually a lot like mine. The big differences I see is that your man has an empty nest, and he said he wants to work on his marriage. My guy has adult children in the house which do not appear to be in any hurry to get thier own houses. He also has never said he wants to work on his marriage. He maintains that it's been over for years. But I do suspect he wants to see what happens whenever the adult children do move out. Anyway my guy did come back after the first time we had no contact. it took about a month. We had been together for over a year. Never during that year had he made a decision to end it with me or his wife. Which is why I made the decision to end it. Anyway after a month he came back and said he could not live without me and he wanted a divorce. But no action. Anyway, so I left again. I gave him only a month the second time. I have no clue what will happen in my future, but I'm not going to try to push it in any specific direction. I'm just going to set boundaries (i.e. not take part in an affair for any reason) and take actions based on what is right (i.e. not sit like a deer in headlights in a bad marriage) And I know I'll end up in a better place by doing what is right and not being complacent.

 

It does sound similar, and I love reading your posts. You bring acute insight. From what I know about my bloke, more than anything he feels a huge sense of obligation and duty to his wife to work on his marriage - it's not necessarily a call from the heart to fix it, if you see what I mean. I am the one that has forced the end, like you, as I can see that if I wait for him to provide us with some direction, this situation could last as long as we still live in the same country, or longer. And that, in the end, will never bring me to a better place. I am not pushing him one way or the other either. He is an adult, he must figure out what he wants for himself, and not just do what other people want him to do, to be accepted or to conform.

 

I think you are right to try to regain some control of the situation. It is necessary to be able to feel decent about yourself and to move towards clarity, in whatever shape or form that may take.

[Ladydrib]

Don't reply. Stay strong. If he wants to offer more than an affair, he knows what he needs to do. And it's not going to happen the day after no contact. Stay strong! Stand your ground! You deserve better than an affair! And there is no way he figured out his confusion in one day. Ignore!

[Ladydrib]

This is your opportunity to show him you're serious and you're worth more. And show him you're strong. If you reply he'll think he has total control over you and he will string you along forever if you don't show him that you're serious.

[LaCurieuse]

Do not reply, do not break NC.

Why is it that so many men feel the need to rescue their marriages only after having cheated?? If he really thought his marriage of 30 years was worth saving, why did he cheat in the first place?

He's just wasting your time. Don't let him do this.

 

I know, it's shocking to discover how little he knew himself or his wife and their connection for that matter, after all that time spent together. At the beginning he actually told me that he did not know how his wife would react if she found out, that for all he knew she would not care! (in the end, she cared a whole, whole lot!) They were so far away from one another yet living in the same house. I don't understand how one could possibly patch things up after something like this happens. But that is not for me to figure out.

[LaCurieuse]

This is your opportunity to show him you're serious and you're worth more. And show him you're strong. If you reply he'll think he has total control over you and he will string you along forever if you don't show him that you're serious.

 

I am sure you are right. I am also sure that I love him I have thought about simply replying: You will figure things out.

 

Is that wimpy of me?

[Ladydrib]

Wait a minute... She knows? I missed that detail. That's not good. That's all the more reason he'll never leave. If he can keep whatever it is he wants from her and she will allow him to stay even though he cheated, why would he leave? He'll just cheat again when you are willing or someone else is willing. Unless he decides he really wants only you and you make it clear that is the only way he can have you, is if it's "only" you. That's what it's going to come down to. You must stay away from him. Stay strong. Don't let him have it both ways. Do not allow it!

[LaCurieuse]

...I actually wonder if forwarding that text message to me is just a way of saying: Look, I am hurting too, you are not the only one...so don't start hating me, because I am suffering too. I have even said so to my best friend.

 

He is so afraid of me hating him...and I wonder if in some ways this isn't actually a sign of selfishness? Caring more about what I think of him (ego) than how I feel or hurt? Just a thought.

[Ladydrib]

I am sure you are right. I am also sure that I love him I have thought about simply replying: You will figure things out.

 

Is that wimpy of me?

 

Don't. He already knows he has to figure it out. If you respond he knows he can puppet you. He can get you to respond. That gives him the control. Nothing! Not even a blank text!! I know you love him. But if you reply, prepare to always be the other woman. If that's what you want, reply. But you wouldn't have gone no contact if you were content with an affair!!! Don't do it!!! I've been through this cycle so many times. Each time you lose more power. You hurt more. You hurt again. And he gets his way. Don't give him his way. If he wants you, make him work for it. Make him figure his crap out. The only control you have in this is the power of "ignoring"!!!! Trust me!

[veryhappy]

Please don't reply. At least wait 24 hours.

 

I did lose my mind today and stupidly reacted to an email from him, and there's nothing good about it. I'm just a basket case. I felt so strong, and now here we go again...I have to reset the counter.

 

If you have to do it, wait until tomorrow. Sleep on it.

[Ladydrib]

...I actually wonder if forwarding that text message to me is just a way of saying: Look, I am hurting too, you are not the only one...so don't start hating me, because I am suffering too. I have even said so to my best friend.

 

He is so afraid of me hating him...and I wonder if in some ways this isn't actually a sign of selfishness? Caring more about what I think of him (ego) than how I feel or hurt? Just a thought.

 

Don't over think it. It's simple. He knows he can lose you forever. He's trying to hang on to you without letting go of a wife that he's not sure if he wants. You have him just where you want him right now. You hold the power because he's coming back to you. But what he's offering is not EVEN close to good enough. A boo-hoo text??? No. Sorry. Ignore him. Show him your strength. Hold the ball and make him cry. If you play this game eventually he'll get bored and lose interest in you. If you think you hurt yesterday, think how much it will hurt when you're still interested and he's not. Do not wimp out!!!

[LaCurieuse]

Wait a minute... She knows? I missed that detail. That's not good. That's all the more reason he'll never leave. If he can keep whatever it is he wants from her and she will allow him to stay even though he cheated, why would he leave? He'll just cheat again when you are willing or someone else is willing. Unless he decides he really wants only you and you make it clear that is the only way he can have you, is if it's "only" you. That's what it's going to come down to. You must stay away from him. Stay strong. Don't let him have it both ways. Do not allow it!

 

Yes, she knows. It's a long story (as they always are) but basically she has never been with another man except for him and is now in her 50s. He has led a successful career and she has been the woman at home taking care of kids, holding down the fort and also enjoying their expat lifestyle. They hang around people like them, sucessful, well to do people, and pride themselves on being a model family. Her pride I imagine is even more tied to her family since she has not had a career, but simply enabled his - put her plans on a backburner to allow him to follow his passion. I don't see any reason why she would leave after a lifetime of dedication to him except to save her own pride. Yet after finding out, she was only truly concerned about whether she had a place in his future or not.