veryhappy Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 ...I actually wonder if forwarding that text message to me is just a way of saying: Look, I am hurting too, you are not the only one...so don't start hating me, because I am suffering too. I have even said so to my best friend. He is so afraid of me hating him...and I wonder if in some ways this isn't actually a sign of selfishness? Caring more about what I think of him (ego) than how I feel or hurt? Just a thought. Don't fall into the trap of worring more about him, being the always understanding and loving OW. Yes, he's hurting. Where? At the same physical address as her. Boohoo poor baby. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Please don't reply. At least wait 24 hours. I did lose my mind today and stupidly reacted to an email from him, and there's nothing good about it. I'm just a basket case. I felt so strong, and now here we go again...I have to reset the counter. If you have to do it, wait until tomorrow. Sleep on it. I am sorry cutedragon...it's exactly that, a counter we set after stating: I am playing NC! We start counting out loud to ourselves like we are playing hide and go seek! Tomorrow is another day and no, I will not respond to him. Nothing to say and don't want to stroke him to make him feel better as he crawls into bed with his wife while I desperately try to find solace in a forum. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Yes, she knows. It's a long story (as they always are) but basically she has never been with another man except for him and is now in her 50s. He has led a successful career and she has been the woman at home taking care of kids, holding down the fort and also enjoying their expat lifestyle. They hang around people like them, sucessful, well to do people, and pride themselves on being a model family. Her pride I imagine is even more tied to her family since she has not had a career, but simply enabled his - put her plans on a backburner to allow him to follow his passion. I don't see any reason why she would leave after a lifetime of dedication to him except to save her own pride. Yet after finding out, she was only truly concerned about whether she had a place in his future or not. Wow our situations are so similar. Message me if you can and we can talk more. Trust me on this, do not respond to him. I don't want to go into a lot of detail in here but I'll tell you more in a private message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Wow our situations are so similar. Message me if you can and we can talk more. Trust me on this, do not respond to him. I don't want to go into a lot of detail in here but I'll tell you more in a private message. I'd love to but afraid I cannot - too new to this website to be an "established member"... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 I do trust you on this - he just feels bad that I am hurting, and wants me to know it's not easy for him either. I don't want to enter into some kind of competition as to who has it the worst. In any case we would both lose to his wife! I am afraid to be silent and eventually lose him but I need to get over that fear because if he truly has his sh** together and loves me, and has truly fallen out of love with his wife, he will do more than transfer an sms to me to read. Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I am afraid to be silent and eventually lose him but I need to get over that fear because if he truly has his sh** together and loves me, and has truly fallen out of love with his wife, he will do more than transfer an sms to me to read. You're only enabling him as long as you are in contact. He won't do anything if he doesn't really fear losing you and that's important enough. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I do trust you on this - he just feels bad that I am hurting, and wants me to know it's not easy for him either. I don't want to enter into some kind of competition as to who has it the worst. In any case we would both lose to his wife! I am afraid to be silent and eventually lose him but I need to get over that fear because if he truly has his sh** together and loves me, and has truly fallen out of love with his wife, he will do more than transfer an sms to me to read. Dont fear losing him. You have nothing to lose but an affair! True, your silence will force him to chose. He may chose to forget you. But he might chose to be with you. And if he does and you stand your ground, it will be on your terms. Do you really want to keep him if all he has to offer is an affair? I know it hurts letting go of him, but the affair hurts too. And you know you don't want an affair. Not responding and remaining in no contact is your best chance at both getting out of the affair and to be with him. It seems like the wrong thing to do because you are scared. But it's the 100% right thing to do. Unless you want an affair? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Dont fear losing him. You have nothing to lose but an affair! True, your silence will force him to chose. He may chose to forget you. But he might chose to be with you. And if he does and you stand your ground, it will be on your terms. Do you really want to keep him if all he has to offer is an affair? I know it hurts letting go of him, but the affair hurts too. And you know you don't want an affair. Not responding and remaining in no contact is your best chance at both getting out of the affair and to be with him. It seems like the wrong thing to do because you are scared. But it's the 100% right thing to do. Unless you want an affair? I have been sitting here reading all of the threads you have created, and progressively realizing how similar our situations are. Isn't it funny that you are able to give me such good advice, but that it was so hard to give yourself that same good advice? Funny is probably not the more appropriate adjective. It's as you say, at some point we chose not to listen to our intuition; we turned off our analytic brains and just became a big touchy feely octapus with nothing but tentacles for capturing emotion! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Dont fear losing him. You have nothing to lose but an affair! True, your silence will force him to chose. He may chose to forget you. But he might chose to be with you. And if he does and you stand your ground, it will be on your terms. Do you really want to keep him if all he has to offer is an affair? I know it hurts letting go of him, but the affair hurts too. And you know you don't want an affair. Not responding and remaining in no contact is your best chance at both getting out of the affair and to be with him. It seems like the wrong thing to do because you are scared. But it's the 100% right thing to do. Unless you want an affair? How long has your NC gone on, and have you heard from him? Are you doing OK? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 You're only enabling him as long as you are in contact. He won't do anything if he doesn't really fear losing you and that's important enough. You are right - and I should not try to protect him from suffering; each of us has to deal with our own emotions. If he can stand losing me, then it is not meant to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I have been sitting here reading all of the threads you have created, and progressively realizing how similar our situations are. Isn't it funny that you are able to give me such good advice, but that it was so hard to give yourself that same good advice? Funny is probably not the more appropriate adjective. It's as you say, at some point we chose not to listen to our intuition; we turned off our analytic brains and just became a big touchy feely octapus with nothing but tentacles for capturing emotion! For me it was a combination of fear of losing him and pain of not sharing time with him and temptation of him telling me he missed me that would make me respond. But each time I did, it made him more secure that he had me where he wanted me and I could sense less interest from him, less fear, more taking me for granted, and it's because I was not standing my ground. I was letting him bully me (in a nice way) into accepting his terms. This is the only way they can get us to accept those terms and they're good at it. They want us and if that's the only way they can have us, the figure out how to make it work. But here's the thing, if we put up our boundaries, they no longed can have us on their terms. True, they may not be interested in any other way than their way. But we don't want it their way so who the hell cares anyway? Get through the first few days of ignoring him. It's going to be hard but you'll gain so much strength doing it. Plus just enjoy sitting back and seeing him throw crumbs at you. Know he wants you but it's not good enough for you . Stick to it! You can do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 How long has your NC gone on, and have you heard from him? Are you doing OK? It's a long story I'd rather not post the details in here. I looked to see how I could send you a private message but can't figure it out. I see I have a message box, so there must be a way to use it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 For me it was a combination of fear of losing him and pain of not sharing time with him and temptation of him telling me he missed me that would make me respond. But each time I did, it made him more secure that he had me where he wanted me and I could sense less interest from him, less fear, more taking me for granted, and it's because I was not standing my ground. I was letting him bully me (in a nice way) into accepting his terms. This is the only way they can get us to accept those terms and they're good at it. They want us and if that's the only way they can have us, the figure out how to make it work. But here's the thing, if we put up our boundaries, they no longed can have us on their terms. True, they may not be interested in any other way than their way. But we don't want it their way so who the hell cares anyway? Get through the first few days of ignoring him. It's going to be hard but you'll gain so much strength doing it. Plus just enjoy sitting back and seeing him throw crumbs at you. Know he wants you but it's not good enough for you . Stick to it! You can do it! What you say rings true. I don't want his terms, and if he cannot figure out how to grow a true pair, then that will be that. Lack of courage is hardly an attractive trait. Many thanks for all you have shared here. It's late where I live, so I am off to bed - without having contacted him! XO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 It's a long story I'd rather not post the details in here. I looked to see how I could send you a private message but can't figure it out. I see I have a message box, so there must be a way to use it... I think that you can, but I cannot...as I am not yet "established" (not sure how long that takes) Will look into it tomorrow. Link to post Share on other sites
truthbetold Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I know, it's shocking to discover how little he knew himself or his wife and their connection for that matter, after all that time spent together. At the beginning he actually told me that he did not know how his wife would react if she found out, that for all he knew she would not care! (in the end, she cared a whole, whole lot!) They were so far away from one another yet living in the same house. I don't understand how one could possibly patch things up after something like this happens. But that is not for me to figure out. I know you love him but... Big red flag went up when you mention he himself told but then opted to stay with her and now stating confusion. To the bolded, it happens quite a lot if you read the forums. I'm not trying to slight your pain I'm hoping that you see just bc you would never stay if you were her, doesn't mean she will kick him out. He had the opportunity to leave if he was so unhappy but he didn't he conflict avoided and put your heart in jeopardy not something someone should do if they really love the other person. Now he's saying wait while he figures it out (but you went NC good on you!) ...I hate to say he made his choice, his choice is there however painful. Indecision is a decision to stay put unless someone upsets the apple cart. Really it sounds like he wanted "mommy's" attention (wife) so had the affair to see if she noticed him, she did indeed. It sucks that you were caught in the dysfunctional dance, but it plays out much. I hope you remain strong and do not cave no matter what. Wishing you peace! Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 what you say rings true. I don't want his terms, and if he cannot figure out how to grow a true pair, then that will be that. Lack of courage is hardly an attractive trait. Many thanks for all you have shared here. It's late where i live, so i am off to bed - without having contacted him! xo excellent work! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 I know you love him but... Big red flag went up when you mention he himself told but then opted to stay with her and now stating confusion. ! Just to be clear, he did not tell her about the affair. She discovered it, much to his dismay. Maybe I was unclear in what I wrote. I fully agree that I cannot predict or judge what his wife will decide to do or not do in dealing with the aftermath of the affair. In any case what is for sure is that getting caught up in another couple's dysfunction is truly for the birds! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I wanted to add that in my case - I don't know how it works for others - there's always this hope that the next message or discussion will clear things up. Reality is messages are anticlimatic after all my anticipation, and discussion don't really lead anywhere - or I wouldn't be here. Try to ask what you'll realistically gain by another message, by another discussion. History says nothing. More tears, more heartbreak. Now...if you have the patience to ask yourself that question and don't blow up like a hurricane like I did today. Stop and question yourself first. Link to post Share on other sites
sleepie Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 For me it was a combination of fear of losing him and pain of not sharing time with him and temptation of him telling me he missed me that would make me respond. But each time I did, it made him more secure that he had me where he wanted me and I could sense less interest from him, less fear, more taking me for granted, and it's because I was not standing my ground. I was letting him bully me (in a nice way) into accepting his terms. This is the only way they can get us to accept those terms and they're good at it. They want us and if that's the only way they can have us, the figure out how to make it work. But here's the thing, if we put up our boundaries, they no longed can have us on their terms. True, they may not be interested in any other way than their way. But we don't want it their way so who the hell cares anyway? Get through the first few days of ignoring him. It's going to be hard but you'll gain so much strength doing it. Plus just enjoy sitting back and seeing him throw crumbs at you. Know he wants you but it's not good enough for you . Stick to it! You can do it! I agree with this totally. xMOM did the same thing: less fear, less interest, more taking me for granted whenever I responded to him or showed interest in him. After I went cold NC, he responded bitterly and with childish petulance. But then after NC had been in place for a while, he took some bold steps to reestablish contact and then gave me a nice little flowery speech. Funny how people can be! If you're having trouble with NC, I recommend a book called Does He Love Me by Mia Drey. It's described as a way to use NC to find out if a man really loves you or not, but it's actually full of advice about using NC to move past a relationship and let him go, too. It discusses the steps of grieving, which I found very useful during the time NC was really hard for me. Good luck. Stay NC. You deserve a man who wants only you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 ...just sent you a message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 Day FOUR and I am MISERABLE! Want to COMMUNICATE with my lover! Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 (edited) You'll be even more miserable if you communicate with him. You know it only brings temporary relief. Stay strong. Why don't you tell us what you'd want to communicate to him? Edited September 20, 2012 by cutedragon Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 Hmmm, let's see...possible messages: 1. "So, I know we decided to go NC, but I am taking a brief time out because this thing happened at work today that I just have to tell you about! Remember Bob, from Marketing, the guy you used to work ith a while back? He started asking ME about YOU today and how you are getting on at your company. It was SO weird for me to answer his questions! (work gossip, I would inform him about fun stuff; the guy Bob who asked me does not have a clue my MM and I have had an A) 2. "I just wanted to tell you how hard it is for me right now. I miss you like crazy and feel so sad that we may never be together. I hope this whole NC thing serves a purpose." 3. "You are a real sh**head, you know that? I just pieced together that your estimate of 6 months to see about fixing your marriage perfectly coincides with your next job move to Asia. Is this all a master plan to coast along until the long-distance move, when you will just pick up and leave with wifey and say, my darling, this is just the way the cookie crumbled, nothing I can to go to stop this moving train?" ...... Link to post Share on other sites
veryhappy Posted September 20, 2012 Share Posted September 20, 2012 Oh, he is a sh**head with his master plan. It won't sound good, but I actually laughed. I recognized myself in all messages. Wanting to share something, being sad, feeling used and angry. Sorry, nothing passes the 911 test of getting in touch with him. Keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LaCurieuse Posted September 20, 2012 Author Share Posted September 20, 2012 Ha ha! You made me laugh too! Thanks. You have allowed me to go another day with NC. What's that Public Enemy song - 911 is a joke? Link to post Share on other sites
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