I feel a complete 180... Wtf?

[AnotherRound]

Lady Gray AR, you do realize you rode the roller coaster too, right? You got on, you got off, but you got on for another ride.

 

You walked away, ok, but you didn't stay away. You walked right back expecting something to be different and it wasn't, so you walked again. Back and forth you went. You rode the ride just as much as he did with the going back and forth.

 

Just trying to help you look objectively at your part in it.

 

 

Yes, I see that. I'm not proud of it, but I do see it. I didn't come back to him, he came back to me, and I accepted him back. So, I didn't actively seek him out (not sure if that makes it any better or not), but I did allow him back in to my life.

 

I am now thinking, and this sounds terrible when said out loud, that I was bored. That, in those moments, it was "why not? What else have I got going on?". That sounds horrible. And I feel bad about even thinking it or feeling it. But maybe, that's all it was for me?

 

Not that I didn't care about him, I do. I do think that I love him on some level... but looking back, I'm not sure that had a lot to do with why I let him back in. That makes me ill to think about now... that it was just... laziness. Apathy?

 

Not that I didn't enjoy the time he and I spent together, I did. And I did love him... but I was never okay with the A, and I did it anyway. And I was always frustrated by his inability to fix his own life, but I did it anyway.

 

What the hell is that?????

[eleanorrigby]

That's a good example of why full NC is such a good idea. It's too easy to get caught back up in something that you had put aside.

[AnotherRound]

I guess it comes down to what your definition of "I can have him" is. I mean, if you are talking about a part of him, then I can understand.

 

I'm not really sure WHAT I'm talking about, tbh. I mean, it didn't feel like a competition bc I could "have" him whenever I wanted. I guess "have" meaning - lure him away from the wife or whatever. That was never a problem. Maybe it just isn't enough anymore?

 

I had a F buddy at one time, and I could have him any time I crooked my pinky. But, though I told myself I didn't care one way or the other, my fiance just crept into my soul somehow. My version of "I can have him" is WAY different than "I can have him" was with the F buddy.

 

Yes, I have a FWB who I am very close with, we are really good friends... but we enjoy being sexually intimate with one another too if we both are single. We have talked about dating, but neither of us is sure it would work, and honestly, we like what we have.

 

But true... "have" could mean a lot of different things. Recently, I said to exMM when he asked, "How long do I hang in and try to even get her to consider reconciliation when she won't even discuss anything with me?" And I said, clearly, "You hang in until you don't want to be with her anymore". He replied, "I don't know if I want to be with her! How can I know when she won't interact with me and hasn't for years?". I said, "You don't know... you just dig your heels in and hang in. When you are done hanging in, then you will be done. But until then, you just hang in bc you won't be happy anywhere else". He didn't understand this, but it makes perfect sense to me. He went on to say how foolish he would look, hanging in for a woman if she was moved on, and married to someone else... etc. etc.

 

I understood what he was saying. But the WHOLE time, I was frustrated with his whining. His inability to make his own decisions. Ugh.

[AnotherRound]

That's a good example of why full NC is such a good idea. It's too easy to get caught back up in something that you had put aside.

 

Good point. ExMM and I have never had full NC. There were times when I just didn't answer, or return his calls (he was very upset about those times, but whatevs)... but never forever. I always eventually did... whenever I was done with whatever I was doing at the time.

 

I did enjoy talking to him - when I wasn't frustrated with him. And yes, this last time, despite his many attempts to contact me, I was more NC than ever before, bc I just truly wasn't interested in his drama.

 

I think too, that part of my disgust now is that (and please don't take this wrong anyone, just being honest) there are 50 year olds acting like this. It just seems so... childish and jr. high - and so revolting. I didn't act like that in jr high! I certainly don't want to be acting like that in my 50s! It's very unbecoming... and yes, unattractive.

 

I am just not interested. I don't want to discuss his marriage any further. He has been kicking that dead horse for YEARS and going nowhere. I don't mean that negatively towards his stbxw, but towards him. Exhausting, the whole thing.

[whichwayisup]

And then, on top of that, I'm wondering, why now? Why not during the A? Why not while I was knee deep in that crap? Why didn't I see it then? And, how does it change so quickly? I feel like I've had an epiphany, but I'm not sure what it is??????

 

Probably because during your A those things weren't on your mind. Now you've had time to think and process it all, bring in other aspects of the affair triangle, his OOW and it's just hit you all at once.

 

It's a good thing if this truly does help you on the road to recovery, makes you not want him, think of him, and pushes you to indifferent and not caring anymore what he does, says or thinks.

 

I've only read your first post, but from what you've said it sounds like this is just another forward step into letting go and getting on with your life.

[AnotherRound]

Maybe that's just it. You are, perhaps, just realizing how pathetic he is with all his "poor me" rhetoric, especially when "I can have him" merely means until it's time for him to go home to his W. Like you said, he should stop being a whiner (an unattractive trait) and fix his life already!

 

Yeah... and the fact that nobody truly "has" him bc he can't make an effing decision! He is over 50 years old! Seriously? I was making harder decisions than that at age 10... It's hard to respect, it truly is. And I think that maybe the divorce has triggered this in me. Seeing that after all those years of whining, here he is... at the crossroads.... and he STILL has no idea which way he wants/needs to go. OMG... just pick a freakin' direction already and GO!

[veryhappy]

AR, you let him back in because you thought you were emotionally detached and you genuinely lo him and wanted to help him. You wanted to see him happy, regardless of his choice. But he still won't move. In my case I told him many times "pick a woman to make happy, and do that, but you can't keep both". He didn't, so I and to be the one walking away when I couldn't cope with all of it anymore.

 

There were also many discussions about me wanting to be with him only if he was the one filling for divorce. He thought the end justifies the means, so was upset with that. I always asked too much of him, and he got overwhelmed so easily. Why wouldn't i let him just confess and have her divorce, when that would be exactly what he's used to - placing responsibility on others - well, because I don't want that kind of man. He did his best to grow up, but it's hard to change at that age.

 

I didn't say your MM was "bad". I was saying that you just see his avoidance and dragging things out for what they are. The physical grossness I believe to be just a symptom as a situation that makes you nauseaus.

 

They're afraid little boys (with kids!) in aging bodies. Mine wants to believe and wants me to believe he'll be getting a divorce. Yeah, right. Where do you think he is now? He's @%$#ed me over one too many times to not know how this will end. For some fortunate reason, I want to move on. I know that going back only feeds the insanity and nothing will change.

 

My point being, you thought you'd be able to stay emotionally detached. You can't as you see. I suggest you don't talk to him right now at all, as your emotions are raw and will be stabilizing at some point. No reason to say something you'll regret (see my thread last night...). It's not about the W and we all know it. It's about the MM ways.

[AnotherRound]

I think that is good insight AR, I really do.

 

I'm going to throw co-dependent out there.....what do you think? Look at your job, look at your involvement with him? Commitment phobe?

 

Hey I have had some of the tendencies myself so I'm not bashing you.

 

I have a sense that we have similar backgrounds, ex, abuse, etc.

 

When I saw xmm lies stripped away and saw him for what he really was. (yes it's an extreme case), I saw those tendencies in myself. Now, I think, even without the extreme lies he told, wtf was I doing.

 

Not sure. As I said before, I think EVERY relationship has some characteristics of codependency (I've never been real comfortable with the term itself, or its definition), as that is just the nature of humans and human relationships.

 

Are you saying that I'm a commitment phobe? Or him? Or both? (hell, maybe we both are! lol) I don't feel bashed, carry on. I don't believe that I am codependent... at least not beyond what I would consider normal in any relationship or person.

 

And I still don't think that exMM lied to me about anything... as much as he is just stuck in this "woe is me" gear that he can't pull himself out of (or won't!). And apparently, my tolerance is high for this bc I listened to him whine and moan for the past 8 years about it all. Even though I was frustrated with it all within a year of the A, I continued. I continued to listen, to provide support, to be empathic, to understand... I totally went into "counselor" mode with it all. That unconditional positive regard kicked in, and there I was, in it for the long haul. My gawd, he couldn't have asked for a better OW... holy crap.

 

Not saying his issues with his marriage aren't legit, they probably are. But seriously? DO SOMETHING! *sigh* I sincerely hope he doesn't try to contact me any time soon, bc I seriously would want to answer the phone and tell him how grossed out I am. Not sure what my need is to always be telling everyone every thought and feeling I have... but it's definitely there.

[AnotherRound]

AR, you let him back in because you thought you were emotionally detached and you genuinely lo him and wanted to help him. You wanted to see him happy, regardless of his choice. But he still won't move. In my case I told him many times "pick a woman to make happy, and do that, but you can't keep both". He didn't, so I and to be the one walking away when I couldn't cope with all of it anymore.

 

There were also many discussions about me wanting to be with him only if he was the one filling for divorce. He thought the end justifies the means, so was upset with that. I always asked too much of him, and he got overwhelmed so easily. Why wouldn't i let him just confess and have her divorce, when that would be exactly what he's used to - placing responsibility on others - well, because I don't want that kind of man. He did his best to grow up, but it's hard to change at that age.

 

I didn't say your MM was "bad". I was saying that you just see his avoidance and dragging things out for what they are. The physical grossness I believe to be just a symptom as a situation that makes you nauseaus.

 

They're afraid little boys (with kids!) in aging bodies. Mine wants to believe and wants me to believe he'll be getting a divorce. Yeah, right. Where do you think he is now? He's @%$#ed me over one too many times to not know how this will end. For some fortunate reason, I want to move on. I know that going back only feeds the insanity and nothing will change.

 

My point being, you thought you'd be able to stay emotionally detached. You can't as you see. I suggest you don't talk to him right now at all, as your emotions are raw and will be stabilizing at some point. No reason to say something you'll regret (see my thread last night...). It's not about the W and we all know it. It's about the MM ways.

 

So true on so many points. Oh, I think the divorce will go through... she will not discuss anything with him. I am about 99% sure, short of some crazy change of heart, that their divorce will go through. Problem is, that isn't the point, and it NEVER was. The point is, he will STILL be a victim, bc he doesn't "want" the divorce. Now, even though he doesn't "want" it, he cannot tell you WHY he doesn't want it, other than the obvious things (house, kids, etc.). But, the fact that he is NOT agreeing to it, lets him continue to be the helpless victim in it all.

 

The world is always doing things "to" him. You know? He's not an active force in the world... he's just rolling around, reacting. Not making decisions, just reacting. Not attempting to assert himself, just waiting for others to lead so that he can follow.

 

He would TOTALLY disagree with that. He does NOT see himself that way at all and considers himself a decisive guy. Lmao. Maybe... in some things... but in relationship? No effing way. This is just crazy... I seriously need to calm down and relax... My brain is going a million miles a minute, and I'm sure that having coffee right now is NOT helping... lol

[AnotherRound]

AnotherRound: .

 

AnotherRound, I'm confused. I thought he filed for divorce?

 

This man is 20 years your senior. I'm curious: why did you think you wanted to take that on?

 

No, the stbxw filed for divorce, and he has counter filed for divorce. BUT, he wants her to "at least try" to see "if anything's there or not". He feels like (according to him) that after 20+ years, and a child, that they should "at least try, that it's worth that much, to at least see if there's anything salvageable." Rme, seriously. Not to be flip about it, but wtf?

 

He is 15 years my senior, but yeah, close enough, lol. Not sure. When we started, he was early 40s and I was late 20s... didn't seem that big of a deal then. Now, it does seem like a bigger deal, and it is something I have thought about since he has provided the "offer" of us being together. I have thought about our compatibility in all ways, bc let's be honest, I have a lot more years left to be active... more than he does, that's just biology. Although, I do have some health issues, so maybe not... lol. But, it has crossed my mind, and I'm not going to lie, it has been something that has made me feel against being with him in the future.

 

Not to mention, he has grandchildren, which sort of creeps me out. Not in a mean way, I LOVE kids... but I don't even have children, so it's weird to think of him having 2 generations below him when I have none.

[AnotherRound]

PS As far as avoiding contact bc I don't want to say anything hurtful, dead on. I have a HUGE problem with not just sharing EVERYTHING I feel and think, no matter how fleeting, with him especially. I know that can be a strength (no doubt where you stand with me, EVER!) and a weakness (I sometimes am too blunt, and too honest, and hurt others with it). So, yes, if we were talk right this minute, I would probably say all the things I'm saying on here to him, and I can imagine he wouldn't like it much. So, avoiding him is probably the best bet. Although, we had agreed recently to NC, and he has stuck to it so far, as have I (I've never really contacted him, it's always been him contacting me, I think I have called him maybe twice before when I was NOT just returning his call, in the entire 8 years).

[eleanorrigby]

No, the stbxw filed for divorce, and he has counter filed for divorce. BUT, he wants her to "at least try" to see "if anything's there or not". He feels like (according to him) that after 20+ years, and a child, that they should "at least try, that it's worth that much, to at least see if there's anything salvageable." Rme, seriously. Not to be flip about it, but wtf?

 

He is 15 years my senior, but yeah, close enough, lol. Not sure. When we started, he was early 40s and I was late 20s... didn't seem that big of a deal then. Now, it does seem like a bigger deal, and it is something I have thought about since he has provided the "offer" of us being together. I have thought about our compatibility in all ways, bc let's be honest, I have a lot more years left to be active... more than he does, that's just biology. Although, I do have some health issues, so maybe not... lol. But, it has crossed my mind, and I'm not going to lie, it has been something that has made me feel against being with him in the future.

 

Not to mention, he has grandchildren, which sort of creeps me out. Not in a mean way, I LOVE kids... but I don't even have children, so it's weird to think of him having 2 generations below him when I have none.

 

I'm sorry I'm laughing at your post because I feel the same way about age differences. My husband and I are 5 months apart in age, so for me the idea of someone significantly older or younger then me skeeves me out. (no offense to any May December people here) It's just something I would never enjoy for myself. Too out of synch for me.

 

I think it's good you are considering this. Those age difference only tend to seem larger as time goes on.

[AnotherRound]

I'm sorry I'm laughing at your post because I feel the same way about age differences. My husband and I are 5 months apart in age, so for me the idea of someone significantly older or younger then me skeeves me out. (no offense to any May December people here) It's just something I would never enjoy for myself. Too out of synch for me.

 

I think it's good you are considering this. Those age difference only tend to seem larger as time goes on.

 

Lol... I get it. The age difference has only been apparent a few times, here and there. Mostly on his side in that he would realize how much younger I am than him by something I said, or did, or believed or lived through. It did bother me at times when he thought that just because he was biologically older that he knew "better" than me, lol. As obvs, he's just as lost as I am despite his advanced age!

 

I do know that I have thought of the fact that he is literally only 4 years younger than my bio father, and 2 years younger than my mother. That's a little odd. Granted, they were VERY young when I came along, but still... he is definitely in their generation, and not mine.

 

I think the age difference was more of an issue for him than it was for me. I have always felt more comfortable with people older than me than those younger than me. All of my friends are older, my best friend being 8 years older than I am, so it's never been an issue for me. I was always like that, even as a kid. I skipped a few grades in school (IQ testing and such) and that put me with people far beyond me in age bc I was already the youngest in my class as it was (bc of where my bday fell). So, it didn't bother me much at all... until the grandchildren. I admit, that freaked me out a little.

 

It was mostly just apparent in our lingo. In that he would say things that were so... dated... lol. And often, had no idea what my lingo meant, and I would have to explain things that I just consider common knowledge. ???

 

And of course, our taste in music and such. It was hard at times to have a convo about pop culture, as I often had no idea what he was talking about (tv shows and such). And I did find it a bit disconcerting that often times he was more in par with my Gparents (who raised me) than he was with me, or even my parents.

[AnotherRound]

AnotherROund, you've been "with" him (i.e. having sex, sharing his life) for 7 years and he was't even the one to initiate the divorce, doesn't know if he even wants the divorce. Not a good sign. I say that you wasted some good years of your life on him. I say it's time to quit.

 

Nah, I really don't feel like I wasted anything. I learned from it, about myself, and men, and relationships. So, I consider it worthy. And we did have some great times together, and some great connection, so I don't regret that.

 

And I know it's not a "good sign", and that's part of the issue. I never asked him to divorce to be with me... I just wanted him to take his happiness into his own hands and do something, anything. It was more the inaction (settling?) that I was frustrated with. I would have been okay if he had just decided to stick it out and be happy with what he had. It truly wasn't about me.

 

And I did quit... mostly. lol I walked away last year. He moved on (sort of). I have been living my life apart from him, other than a few convos, and have been generally okay with that (aside from the time it took me to work through and heal, about 6 months maybe???)

Isn't it obvious to you that chances are VERY high that he never was going to leave her?

 

Yep. I knew that he was never going to leave on his own accord. Ever. Like I said, that's what bothered me. Not that he wouldn't leave, but that he wouldn't fix it IF he wasn't going to leave. He, of course, claims that he couldn't fix it bc she wouldn't discuss anything. That is probably true. BUT, he could have then realized it was pointless and walked away, no matter how hard. So, the bottom line is, he stayed, even though he had one foot out, he stayed. So, just like his stbxw, with his inaction he made his intent (or lack of intent) very clear.

 

In addition, when you hit 50, you will still be wanted a good sex life, while he, on the other hand, will be old, wrinkled, and needing Viagra to get it and keep it up. Not good. Run!

 

Lol at the last part. I agree. I have thought of that. He is already wrinkled, just saying. He is still attractive, don't get me wrong, and many people think he is MUCH younger than he really is... but I know that won't last forever. It was never my biggest draw to him anyway, although it never hurt my attraction, obvs. He is intelligent, and witty, and all those things that I value and find attractive. But he is also indecisive and inactive in regards to his life, which I find unattractive.

[teddyman]

AR:

 

Not sure how I ended up on your post. But, I did some reading. You gave me such great advise and I am very appreciative. Anyways, here is my two cents.

 

I believe that you are in love with this older guy. No explanation in my mind how that can happen when the guy is married. But it is what it is.

 

Now, from what I see, the relationship part has never been healthy. Or should I say, one that has any future or happy-ending as a likely outcome. Just my opinion.

 

Or do you think there is a happy ending here? I mean, I have only been in love with two different women before - but, one thing that was part of that love was a vision of what the happy ending would look like. Do you have a happy ending envisioned here? If not, what in heck are you doing even contemplating a relationship with this person. Move on and don't look back I say if you do not see any future with this person. As long as you’re holding on to one love, there is no way to ever move on and give yourself the possibility of finding another. Looks to me like you’re stuck in a rut and can’t get out.

 

Your smart and know what to do. The hard part is just doing it.

[AnotherRound]

AR:

 

Not sure how I ended up on your post. But, I did some reading. You gave me such great advise and I am very appreciative. Anyways, here is my two cents.

 

I believe that you are in love with this older guy. No explanation in my mind how that can happen when the guy is married. But it is what it is.

 

Now, from what I see, the relationship part has never been healthy. Or should I say, one that has any future or happy-ending as a likely outcome. Just my opinion.

 

Or do you think there is a happy ending here? I mean, I have only been in love with two different women before - but, one thing that was part of that love was a vision of what the happy ending would look like. Do you have a happy ending envisioned here? If not, what in heck are you doing even contemplating a relationship with this person. Move on and don't look back I say if you do not see any future with this person. As long as you’re holding on to one love, there is no way to ever move on and give yourself the possibility of finding another. Looks to me like you’re stuck in a rut and can’t get out.

 

Your smart and know what to do. The hard part is just doing it.

 

You must have accidentally clicked my name, lol. But welcome!

 

No, you're right. I have never imagined a "happy ending" bc I guess, in my heart of hearts, I knew that there wasn't going to be one. I guess, if exMM had ever decided that what he and I had together was worth leaving what he had with stbxw, then maybe? But probably not even then, bc I'm not going to lie, I am SURE that even in a relationship with him that was not an A, we would have some issues - it's inevitable. And I have no idea how he would handle those issues in a relationship that wasn't an A, bc he and I have never had that.

 

I do love him. I'm not saying all this now to negate that. It does not negate that I love him, that I still believe that he and I had something "special" in our connection, that we were "good" together. I still believe all those things. It's just now, there seem to be other things creeping up that are changing the way I look at it, if that makes sense.

 

And yes, I'm not THAT young that I don't know what love is, lol. I have been in love, truly in love, only twice in my life (not counting my first love,not bc it wasn't truly love, but it was just... well, very naive and different in my case). So, I don't doubt my love for him, or his for me. But that's just not the issue, as I see it now. The issue I see now is... exMM is possibly (most likely?) a man that doesn't exhibit traits that I find attractive. Is it a big enough issue that it is a dealbreaker? I'm thinking it probably is.

 

I'm just having so many thoughts right now that it's hard to sift through them. I would usually journal this out, but this site has been even better than the journaling at times, in that I get feedback.

 

You're right. I don't have a vision of a happy ending in my mind. I can't even begin to imagine what a future for he and I would look like? I guess I don't really think like that in most things, esp relationships.

 

I am, apparently, just as guilty as him of just sitting around doing nothing. Not making a decision, regardless of his actions. I am frozen in this just as he is frozen in his marriage. And that upsets me, bc it is NOT who I am... or at the least, not who I want to be. So, I have to fix it, and now.

 

But for this very moment, I'm going to hop off here, bc I need a long hot bath and some down time. I have a very important court case in the am, EARLY, and need to be on my game for it, as the stakes are high. So, I'm going to set this aside for now, and I will come back to it later, and sift back through some more.

 

Thank you Teddy and everyone!

[Saba]

I was thinking about all of the things that I know about exMM's stbxw. And although I've never thought her a terrible person, I have always been a little (maybe a lot?) grossed out by her. What I know about her, from him (very personal stuff) and from our mutual friends - she is just kind of... for lack of better word, gross. I'm not saying she's a bad person, as most agree that she is very nice. But there are other things that are gross. For instance, that she always has bad breath. Okay, I know that some people can't help it, but that's gross to me, especially if it's someone I am trying to kiss. I can't help it, it just is. That she is not a very good kisser. Again, gross to me, that's just a personal pet peeve of mine. That she is very vain and has little else to offer than her looks (and she is nice), and that she is struggling so much with aging as she feels she is losing her looks (she is still a very attractive lady, but tries very hard with LOTS of makeup and hair treatments and such). All of this just seems very unappealing to me (there's more, but in an effort to not share too much personal info about her, I will keep it to myself, but some is hygiene related, and that REALLY grosses me out).

 

So, I know it doesn't matter how I feel about her, obvs. But I as I was thinking about it last night, I thought... if exMM is willing to be with someone like that, is he even someone that I would want to be with? As in, the fact that he finds that appealing at all, makes him completely unappealing. I have no idea where this is coming from, I've never really thought of it before.

 

....It's not just the stbxw, but the OW after me too. She is very much like the wife, only MUCH more vain. Also a very attractive lady, but for someone in her 50's, just to me, seems to reek of desperation. Fake breasts, LOTS of makeup, but very insecure. Dresses like she is 15, and just really not a lot to offer the world besides her looks. Again, very different from me, and not the type of people that I would choose to have in my life. (Not that I'm better, just different, and it's not my thing, as I value different things in life).

 

Here's the thing... I'm thinking, why would I want to be with any man that is attracted to that type of thing

 

Although I am in agreement that you should move on and leave this guy alone I find your reasons bizarre. I'm not judging I just don't understand. I have never judged a boyfriend by his ex's. What is the point in comparing yourself to his previous love interests? He is not worthy of you because his previous partners don't impress you? You don't date his ex's you date him, what am I missing in this reasoning?

 

Please don't take this question as an indication that I think you should give him another chance. Moving on is a good call. He is not worthy of you.

[AnotherRound]

Although I am in agreement that you should move on and leave this guy alone I find your reasons bizarre. I'm not judging I just don't understand. I have never judged a boyfriend by his ex's. What is the point in comparing yourself to his previous love interests? He is not worthy of you because his previous partners don't impress you? You don't date his ex's you date him, what am I missing in this reasoning?

 

Please don't take this question as an indication that I think you should give him another chance. Moving on is a good call. He is not worthy of you.

 

No, it is fine. I was free associating earlier, and just typing whatever came to mind... thinking out loud if you will.

 

the fact is, he is wanting to reconcile w his stbxw right now. He has waffled back and forth on that, just having a hard time making that decision I guess. So, the issue for me is, a difficulty understanding how he is having trouble deciding, bc his wife sort of grosses me out. It isn't just hygiene issues (although that is a big one and I don't want to share here bc it is tmi in so many ways), but the type of person he is willing to be with. I am seeing that I am not his type, and his type grosses me out, for lack of a better phrase. I have little tolerance for vanity, shallowness, lack of intelligence. These are things I avoid, yet, he seems attracted to them. That is changing my view of him.

 

When I only had the stbxw to consider, I thought it might be a fluke. Ya know? He was younger, had never been married, so I kind of understood him basing his choice on looks alone. But now? After knowing how unhappy that choice was for him, he chose a new OW that is just the same, maybe worse? (Fake breasts, lots of plastic surgery, and a career that requires no thinking at all, like his stbxw's career). That is what is bothering me. Why would he choose someone like that again? Now?

 

I am afraid that he is more shallow than I thought in that regard, and yes, that does bother me. Not that I don't appreciate being admired for my physical appearance, who doesn't? But, I didn't earn that, or achieve it, it was simply genetics. I know a lot of people think that I believe I am "better", and I honestly don't feel that.but I do believe that I am in a different category than these women, not better or worse, but very different. I have been blessed with many things, physically and intellectually, but I would rather be valued for my intelligence and other personality strengths over my looks, hands down.

 

I guess it boils down to, I am seeing that he and I don't value the same things on the same levels. That he would be willing to sacrifice intellectual stimulation for just looks, whereas I wouldn't even consider that, ever. It is a dealbreaker for me if someone isn't intelligent. Not a dealbreaker if they aren't very physically attractive. Ideally, if I could only have one of those things, I would choose intelligence, not looks. He, oth, appears willing to sacrifice intelligence for looks.

 

Does that make more sense?

Edited September 17, 2012 by AnotherRound

[j'adore]

I haver been feeling like this recently, that MM is not good enough for me. That he is actually not that intelligent and a bit shallow. I mean I have been trying to have some meaningful conversations with him lately and getting nowhere. I fancy him like mad and I thought i loved him........... well I don't today either. He gets on with people at face value and that is all he is half the time, with me he wasn't but he has gone back to that and I hate that.

 

We are two months post d day and the first thing he said to me today was "did you have a nice weekend, I did" and I thought what a dick!!!

[j'adore]

I haver been feeling like this recently, that MM is not good enough for me. That he is actually not that intelligent and a bit shallow. I mean I have been trying to have some meaningful conversations with him lately and getting nowhere. I fancy him like mad and I thought i loved him........... well I don't today either. He gets on with people at face value and that is all he is half the time, with me he wasn't but he has gone back to that and I hate that.

 

We are two months post d day and the first thing he said to me today was "did you have a nice weekend, I did" and I thought what a dick!!!

 

His wife grosses me out too, she has hairy armpits and lots of wrinkles and greasy hair and she has no boobs at all. Maybe this is part of the beginning of the end.

[woinlove]

AnotherRound, being an OW can damage one's self-esteem, which may already have been low when one made the decision to become an OW. I think if you focus on yourself, learn to love yourself as you are, you will not need to put others down to make yourself feel better. I think putting the BW down in order to bolster your decision to end the A is doing just that. It is not uncommon, and one can see examples of other posters on this thread behaving in the same way. I think you (and others responding in kind about how gross the BW is) will feel better by working to get to the point where you are confident in your decision to end your role in the affair, and feel that you make that decision because it is what is best for you, what will bring you closer to happiness, and has nothing to do with the appearance of the BW.

[beenburned]

AR,

 

I admire how you are taking things in your own hands and really digging deep to understand it all.

 

As you know I am in a long term marriage, with grown kids, and grandkids.

It takes a he** of a lot of bad history/actions to make a wife of this age file for divorce.

 

He being a serial cheater, has always wanted it all. He has never wanted to choose just one.(hence the OOW)

 

There have been lots of bodily fluids exchanged. Be sure and get tested for all stds!

 

He is spineless, selfish, immature for his age, and totally self centered! And he always has been!(serial cheater)

 

Good for you that you are finally seeing him without the rose colored glasses!

 

I hope his wife finally finds peace and contentment after her divorce, as she has been through the ringer with this loser.

[woinlove]

Actually, I get what AR is saying, and I agree with her. How can you respect a man that makes certain questionable choices about who he is intimate with. For example, woinlove, would you date someone that was "with" a crack head or meth addict? See what I mean? Questionable choices reflect back on the one who makes them.

 

I wouldn't secretly date someone who was committed to someone else, crack head or President of the US. See what I mean? It's about self-esteem, respect for oneself and for others. You are dead on with your statement of questionable choices - just need to apply it in an unbiased way.

[eleanorrigby]

 

His wife grosses me out too, she has hairy armpits and lots of wrinkles and greasy hair and she has no boobs at all. Maybe this is part of the beginning of the end.

 

Hairy pitts on women are sexy.

[AnotherRound]

Hairy pitts on women are sexy.

 

Lol... yes, for some. I just saw a commercial last night for the NO shaver thingy for men, and it sort of ticked me off. I hate it when men are hairless, it isn't natural, and I like the hairiness of a man. It separates them from my smooth skin! And the commercial was encouraging men that women find hair unattractive, and that they could use the shaver thing all over their body to be hairless. I literally said to the tv, "NO! Men are supposed to be hairy, damn it!"... lol.

 

It takes all kinds.