Should I tell My Husband

[blackchina]

I am 23 and have been married for almost two years. I met up with my ex boyfriend who I have always wanted to be friends with. I really wanted to see if he could just be friends because we were really cool when we were dating. Anyway we met up and after I saw him I still only wanted to be just friends. Anyway he tells me he wants to be with me and is mad that I even got married and that we were suppose to be together. I said don't start, you said that you missed me as a friend. He tells me he just wanted to give me oral sex and I said no, he tried to kiss me and I said no, but I let him touch me a little and stopped that before it even came close to having sex. Nothing happened other than him touching me and I didn't let that continue for long. Immediately I wanted to cry and was mad at him because he said he wasn't going to try anything. He told me I shouldn't say anything because nothing really happened.

 

I know I don't want to be with him and since nothing really happened I don't know if I should tell my Husband.

 

Please help.

[uriel]

What you did was wrong, but you should NOT tell your husband. It will only hurt him and your relationship -- and for what? Because you made a mistake you will not repeat. The only reason you'd be telling him is to assuage your guilt. No one can absolve you of that. You made your choice -- now, live with it, for his sake.

 

And don't talk to ex-boyfriends anymore. That's part of being married. You let all your exes go out of respect for your spouse. You should certainly never meet with one. From now on, keep that rule and you will be going one step further toward forsaking all others.

 

Oh, and if a guy friend who's not an ex -- say, someone from work -- wants to go out for drinks after work? That's off limits too. The rule is never to put yourself in temptation's way.

 

-- uriel

[jmargel]

Never try to be friends with an ex, they always have an ulterior motive. Why would you even let him touch you? I guess you never mentioned to your husband you have been conversating with your ex? You need to let him know. How would you feel if this has happened to you? Wouldn't you want to know?

[VivianLee]

I hate to post right under jmargel and say the opposite of what he says (he gives really good advice) but I am just going on my gut reaction and that is to say, "Don't tell"....since it went no further than it did and you realize your mistake and I surely hope you know not to even be friends with this guy. Then the incident is over.

 

I'm afraid there would cause more damage and hurt if you told your hubby. Because he may start being suspicious of you and it will hurt him to know you were talking behind his back. I feel like he needs to be protected from this!

[reservoirdog1]

This will be strange advice coming from me, given my own pedigree as a betrayed husband, but I would file this episode away and not tell your husband... PROVIDED THAT you immediately sever all contact with the ex-BF and tell him not to contact you again.

 

What you did can be filed under the heading of "getting caught up in the moment". People do stupid, thoughtless things every day, but at least you recognized it for what it was and stopped it before it went very far. That took a lot of integrity... a rare commodity these days. If I were your husband and found out, I know I'd be somewhat hurt and disturbed, but I'd also be gratified to know that, when put to the test, you did the right thing.

 

Given that the ex-BF sounds kind of bitter, be alert to the possibility that he could make trouble for you and your husband. If you get any indication that he's going to do so, I think you should tell your husband what happened... better that the honest truth comes from you, rather than an exagerrated version from your ex.

[Mrwin2004]

You know what you did. You knew what your ex-boyfriend wanted. Don't try to pretend like you didn't enjoy it either, otherwise you wouldn't have put yourself in that situation. I say do not tell him if nothing actually happend,but you are weak. You have to break off all ties with your ex. Then focus on your current man. On a side note, i would never want to be involved with people as weak as you, no offense, but Im better then that.

[bryanp]

Hello,

 

Here is a thought. If the roles were reversed, wouldn't you have wanted your husband to tell you? You are either honest in your marriage or you are not. The choice is yours.

[blackchina]

MrWin2004

 

Yes that was weak of me to let it go as far as it did but I think it was strong of me to stop it from going any further.

 

This wasn't just some ex-boyfriend or some guy on the job this was someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with at one time. We had something I wouldn't expect you to understand because you couldn't. I'm not saying what I did wasn't wrong but you don't know me and I think that is really shallow of you to judge me.

 

No I didn't enjoy not the way you think I did. I still care about him but not enough to risk my marriage that is why I stopped it.

[blackchina]

I've stopped talking to him then and told him we could never even talk to each other again.

 

Thanks for all your replies.

[havNfun]

blackchina,

 

I appreciate your honesty here, and your desire to ask for advice and do the right thing.

 

This wasn't just some ex-boyfriend or some guy on the job this was someone who I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with at one time.

 

I realize this may seem important or a facter that makes meeting up as friends less bad - that he was once so important - BUT,

 

you need to know blackchina that this is a lot of what makes it so bad to meet with him.

from a guys point of view - it would freak us out a lot more if we heard about our girlfriend or wife meeting up together (alone) with someone she " had before thought she wanted to "spend the rest of her life with'!!!

 

It would be a lot LESS of a big deal if you had met up with a casual co-worker who you didn't have such a steamy past with.

 

anyway, just had to respond to that one comment ( quoted above) that you made before I gave my 2 cents of advice on the overall situation.

 

My advice is:

IF, and ONLY IF, and IF you are ABSOLUTELY SURE, you will NEVER, EVER see this Ex again - in a one-on-one context, AND you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that you won't let him or anyother man "touch you" again - other than your husband,

then DON'T say a word about this - it will just put him through hell.

 

HOWEVER, IF there is a chance you will "accidently" let this occur again,

I would (a) Tell your husband, (b) Admit to him that you are a unfaithfull slut,

and © go to hell.

 

good luck, and please be true to your husband from now on

and tell all horny X-boyrfriends to get their own woman.

[blackchina]

Thanks HavNfun.

 

I understand this might seem even worse than some random guy because he is someone who I care about. I also understand that this would hurt him more.

 

 

I am really upset that I let him touch me and almost mess up the best thing in my life, no matter what anyone might think and for that I feel ashamed. A part of me knows that if I tell him it will only hurt him and I am scared he might always wonder if anything else happened. I know that it will never happen again.

 

I am just so use to telling him everything and I feel like I am keeping so much from him.

[havNfun]

well in that case blackchina,

 

I sense that you might likely be a very nice person that made a mistake

- and all of us do make mistakes -

 

It sounds like you love your husband and are genuinely in love with him etc.

 

if this is the case - things can be okay - since you NOW know the dangers involved

and now are resolute to stay away from other guys.

 

I do still very much, sincerely, honestly feel that - (especially considering the circumstance)

that you should not tell him. It is the right course of action considering

that you totally wish to love him and keep him as a husband.

 

You are right, he would always wonder if he knew the whole story,

and he would never be quite as happy with things,

and it would hurt him.

So I still beg you not to tell him. Yes, honesty is the best policy and so is not cheating.

unfortunately you cannot take back what happened so a perfect

situation is now impossible. So perhaps the honesty will have to suffer one time.

wouldn't you rather have honesty suffer ONCE, than your beloved suffer

forever?

 

thanks again for your openess to working out the best solution for you both.

[sami]

He will never give up. This guy has no respect for your boundries. He will continue to chase and bother you in the name of "LOVE". It is your responsiblity to be firm and keep him off your own restricted area; that is your personal life which should be shared only with your husband. That is it.