SS1975 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Ok my wife said she wanted a separation about a month ago and we have been living as roommates ever since. I want the marriage to work and at times she seems like she does to. Some days she is warm and other days she is cold as ice. She says she just needs space to figure herself out to decide if she wants this for the rest of her life. We are getting close to 40 and she says that she just has to know that this is what she wants. I recently took a work assignment that will last 3 weeks out of town, starting next week. I told her this is for her benefit so she can have her freedom which she says its not freedom that she wants. I am wondering if this is the right move. Should I leave in this fragile time, if so should I contact her to check in every couple days, should I just tell her that I will not contact her but if she feels like she needs to contact me its OK, or should I just tell her that we should have no contact whatsoever unless it has to do with the kids. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Play it by ear. Let her make the call on the contact. My wife said the same thing and that we were going to work on us during our separation. Two weeks later I get a very nice "see ya, you have been a great husband and a great father" text. I should have kept it and put it on my resume for the next relationship if I decide to try another one.. Just give her some space. DON'T push it. I did and may have cost me my marriage. Don't know for sure though. Just don't push her..Keep your cool. Link to post Share on other sites
CC12 Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I am wondering if this is the right move. Should I leave in this fragile time Really, there's probably no right answer to this. It's impossible to see the future and know if this will end up helping or hurting. Maybe you should ask your wife if she thinks you should go or not. If she does, ask her how much contact she'd like to have while you're gone. I will say this, though. If you being away from her for three weeks is what ultimately kills the marriage, then it probably wouldn't have lasted much longer anyway. How long have you been together? Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS1975 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 We have been married almost sixteen years and have been together a total of eighteen years. All may be lost now though, the day that she told me was going to leave me I took her wedding ring and put it up. She just found out about it today and blew up. I told her I would give it back when I could put it on her finger again and as that was not just a ring it was my heart. I then proceeded to tell her that it has been a month and a half so far and after the work thing it will have been about three months. Within that three months I have made changes that will last a lifetime. Not that I was a bad person or anything of that nature before hand but I did have things I needed to work on. I told her that I would be taking the three weeks to decide wether or not to move out. If we could not work on us in small doses at all then I could not keep putting myself through this day in and day out. I can not sit across the room from her everyday and not want to love her. The house that I am looking at would mean that she would have to find her own place as well being as I could not afford payments on both only one. I told her that this is not an ultimatum, because it isn't. This is what I am thinking and feeling I can not go on letting my kids see me emotionally bleed out and I can not take the pain anymore. I am afraid that the next scar on my heart will shut me down for good. Link to post Share on other sites
riverratt Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 What ever happens don't let this shut you down for the rest of your life. The fact you recognize that you needed to improve is a very good thing. Keep that up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author SS1975 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 Thanks riverratt I do plan on improving more and more, I appreciate the words of encouragement. I try hard every day not to contact her and to remain as positive as possible. This is the most excruciating thing I have ever been through. I guess what ever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Ladydrib Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 Ok my wife said she wanted a separation about a month ago and we have been living as roommates ever since. I want the marriage to work and at times she seems like she does to. Some days she is warm and other days she is cold as ice. She says she just needs space to figure herself out to decide if she wants this for the rest of her life. We are getting close to 40 and she says that she just has to know that this is what she wants. I recently took a work assignment that will last 3 weeks out of town, starting next week. I told her this is for her benefit so she can have her freedom which she says its not freedom that she wants. I am wondering if this is the right move. Should I leave in this fragile time, if so should I contact her to check in every couple days, should I just tell her that I will not contact her but if she feels like she needs to contact me its OK, or should I just tell her that we should have no contact whatsoever unless it has to do with the kids. I am in the same position as your wife (don't let that scare you, does not mean things are as bad for you guys). But I have been the one not sure, for a very long time. My advice to you is give her space. Tell her you are going to give her space so she can figure it out. This is the absolute best thing you can do if you want to stay together and also help her be sure she wants to be with you. Now here's the catch. She may not want to be with you. The space may make her realize she does in fact want to leave. But if that's how she feels, nothing you do can change that. You could do things that make her stay longer, but if she flat out doesn't want to, she would be staying because she's confused or doesn't want to hurt you or that maybe she will change her mind. Trust me, these are the last reasons you want her to stay. SO, if you tell her you understand she is going through a difficult time, tell her you are giving her space and not to expect to hear from you while you are gone, and tell her you are doing this for her benefit, this will help her be reassured about your relationship if she hasn't already given up. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 ss1975 .where is her new guy "friend"?In the the vast majority of cases, women with minor children do not just walk out on marriages unless you're a drunken wife beater,or she has found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
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