Charlotted29 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 6.5 months in...NC. He is still on my mind daily, it still hurts and the emptiness in my life is still there. I miss him so much. On the other hand, I have this feeling that I never want to him again, ever! He has put me through so much pain and if I saw him in the street I would cross the road, if he asked to see me I wouldn't want to. In fact all I wan't to do is forget he ever existed so that I can try and go on with my life. (At this stage it feels like I will always be feeling this way...he has changed me as a person). There is of course, alot of anger towards him for putting me through this and making me feel this way. How is it possible to have such conflicting feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
chuzzbug Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Our partners can play a dual role, and often do. They satisfy one set of our needs, and this is the part that we miss. They fail to satisfy other needs and hurt us, and this is the part that we pull away from. I think a relationship is a balance between the two. You will always have conflicting feelings because mixed in with the **** they put you through, there will be memories of times when they were a good partner (momentarily, or for long stretches at a time). I am in a similar position and I feel like I'm being torn into two pieces - one running back and one running away. You've kept up the NC - good work. Keep doing what you're doing and you'll be fine. Link to post Share on other sites
stemac Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 6.5 months in...NC. He is still on my mind daily, it still hurts and the emptiness in my life is still there. I miss him so much. On the other hand, I have this feeling that I never want to him again, ever! He has put me through so much pain and if I saw him in the street I would cross the road, if he asked to see me I wouldn't want to. In fact all I wan't to do is forget he ever existed so that I can try and go on with my life. (At this stage it feels like I will always be feeling this way...he has changed me as a person). There is of course, alot of anger towards him for putting me through this and making me feel this way. How is it possible to have such conflicting feelings? Charlotted I can understand you completely its been a month and a half maybe less not counting the day or weeks, they are all the same, i miss my Ex so so much it kills me inside, but most of me doesn't want her anywhere near me ever again, for all what she put me through, i could never forgive her she has destroyed what we had its all part of the heart ache the hurt, the loneliness,the disappointment, and the anger that you feel this way, its a horrible place to be Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charlotted29 Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Thanks Chazz and Stemac. That makes alot of sense yeah, the relationship wasn't perfect but it is the good times that I miss, but obviously all the anger is the hurt I have been through. I think this is a normal part of the healing process, but still it's a very confusing one! Link to post Share on other sites
Frank13 Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 6.5 months in...NC. He is still on my mind daily, it still hurts and the emptiness in my life is still there. I miss him so much. On the other hand, I have this feeling that I never want to him again, ever! He has put me through so much pain and if I saw him in the street I would cross the road, if he asked to see me I wouldn't want to. In fact all I wan't to do is forget he ever existed so that I can try and go on with my life. (At this stage it feels like I will always be feeling this way...he has changed me as a person). There is of course, alot of anger towards him for putting me through this and making me feel this way. How is it possible to have such conflicting feelings? I feel the exact same way. I never want to see her again, but it is not out of anger. She lost feelings and it was painful being in a one sided relationship. I finally was able to break it off and I never want to go back to that pain again. It has been 8 months NC and I still miss her. I am trying to forget she ever existed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charlotted29 Posted September 18, 2012 Author Share Posted September 18, 2012 Frank, although we 'feel' that we wish they never existed because the pain is so great, I read that this is just not the way to move on. In 'Men are from Mars,women are from Venus - starting over' it says to 'go with the flow' and accept the loss. Your mind will be thinking 'come on, it's been 8 months, time to move on and forget about her now' but your heart will still be missing her. The heart always lags behind and the more we fight it the harder it is. I'm in the same boat as you now, and i'm trying to find the consolation that we are close to the end of our healing if we are thinking this way, but it will take time, and eventually the heart does catch up. It is necessary for us to grieve the loss, however long, in order to heal fully. Link to post Share on other sites
coffeeloverx Posted September 18, 2012 Share Posted September 18, 2012 I feel the same way about my ex. We dated for 2 years, and if I do see him at work (I'm a cashier) or something, I just get mad he's there. However, sometimes I do still miss him a lot. I want him to come and hold me and I just want to be with him. In reality though, I'd probably smack him. I think it's because they are such a big part of your life for so long. (Maybe not so long.) You can't help but miss them because they were there and they were that big role. Maybe it's because we miss what we had, not exactly the person. I know i miss the being in a relationship, but I hate my ex because he hurt me. Just my idea. I think it's perfectly normal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Phanpooh Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I feel missing her everyday and night, i cant get her out of my mind. I sometime wonder how she is, where she's now. I want to take care of her and bla bla bla. But i dun want to see her, dun want to be hurted again and i dun know what will happen when we meet up again. Im afraid of myself, could i hurt her or myself. And yes, that is psychologist problem. Lack of confident and passion. That exes changed us, and we r just being used to be hurted in long time. We found sth missing inside and we r not sure what is it. We sometime think that lack of passion is love, anger or some strong feeling, what hold us on healing process. Time will heal you, no matter what. Im sorry for my bad english, im still learning. Ps: im a guy who r in 9m NC Link to post Share on other sites
WesternWoman Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I am in the same boat on this one. My ex and I had a great thing going, I was shocked by the breakup and didn't find out for a few months that he had been cheating on me. I can't undertand why I don't hate him and still want to talk to him, though I maintain NC too. I've come to be okay with missing him, missing things that we had and memories that we shared... I'm also okay with the fact that he is not a person that I ever want contact with again. You will move on and date again and in time thoughts of this guy won't hold the emotional weight that they do now. You've probably been in relationships in past that seemed as hard to get over and now looking back they don't seem that big. So give it time, you're grieving still and it's okay to want the good things again, it's nostalgia and longing to be with another. Part of you may never be over the relationship, be okay with that too and still work to remove attachments and move on. Your energy needs to be invested in working towards your goals and dreams. So just keep loving yourself, things will improve... be kind to yourself these are all natural feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okiedokie Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 What you describe is perfectly normal. it sounds like you are at the anger stage in the healing process...I know it doesn't seem like it, but, that is good progress...as long as you don't do something to act out on your anger but instead use it to your advantage in your healing. it sometimes takes people a long time to get to this stage and I think this is the stage where people start to think "what the hell was I thinking??". This is a stage where you become more aware of their flaws and are less apt to idealization....embrace it and it will help propel you forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
okiedokie Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 coffeeloverrx raises a good point, the person you were with filled a significant role in your life and now that they are gone you feel the emptiness of the space left...I think that even if we are proactive in our healing and we heal the best we can you can get close say 99% of the way there yet still miss the idea of a relationship and not so much the person any more...you miss the act of being in a relationship and all that goes with it...this is where I'm at...I'm long over my ex and the breakup but I miss being in a relationship and all that comes with it. I think that last small % will be filled once I meet someone new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ScienceGal Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 (edited) Your heart doesn't agree with your brain. This happens, and often it's only worsened when the relationship ends badly because you are left with the extra pain and confusion to work through. I came to LS over a year ago, and I still think about ex daily. I was more attracted to him than anyone ever before. I wanted to be with him forever, there was no doubt. Classic love at first sight. My dreams were coming true, and then it was all gone and he became the cruelest man. My heart still twinges with longing for him sometimes, but my mind knows better. I don't understand why things happened the way they did, but I do understand that I am happier in my current relationship because I am treated well, always. It's never easy, but it does get easier. You'll get there. Edited September 19, 2012 by ScienceGal Link to post Share on other sites
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