ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 So I kind of realized recently I am attracted to men who just treat me so badly, I mean I have had a good relationship even though it was short, but it is the bad ones that pull me back in. I was 19 and met this guy and we dated for a few months and he was great to me he was 23 and he had a 17 month old son and I just thought he was the best person ever. I had kind of reg flags, like the fact that he was on probation for domestic violence, I ignored it and I believed him when he said nothing happened with his sons mom that some random person called the police and he was arrested. I am a justice studies major, I know better but I wanted to believe it you know? Even now I want to believe it. Then he got kind of controlling, like he would get upset if I was going out with my friends to a night club and like ask me to take pictures of what I was wearing. The final straw was one night I went out and he told me to show him my outfit and I did and he was like "your shorts are too short, you look like such a slut, you need to change. You're going to get raped and it'll be your own fault". I was shocked I wasn't upset just really tired of it, at first it was sweet and cute that he cared so much about me and protected me and on top of that he wanted the same things I did. He wanted to get married and have babies and I wanted that so much. The sad part is now 2 years later I still look him up on FB, he has a new gf and I would love to be with him again I just miss how much he cared. Then recently I got involved with a guy I met on POF and he is a military guy, he was coming home on leave and pretty much he wanted to have sex, to take my virginity, I turned him down and we still stayed in contact as friends I always go to him for advice on guys, and I have lost my virginity, he knows and he is so mean about it. I went to him for advice recent when my now ex dumped me and he treated me so badly. He called me a slut and whore and told me I was cheap and disgusting.. I understand why he would think that but I am not that bad. He just constantly is mean to me and I should just delete him from my life but I can't. I still feel hope that he will be nice and come back from Afghanistan and want to go out with me. He also wanted to get married and have babies which is important to me... I don't want to eventually end up in an abusive relationship but I know in the end it is possible. I don't know what to do? I don't want to go back but I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Nightsky Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Wow that’s quite a life you’re living. I wonder are you hot? Also how do you feel about getting with a really pervy guy! Like horny and freaky to the max! The military guy is probably mad because you gave your virginity to some else and he wanted that conquest. As for the jerk you dated things always look better from the outside looking in. If you started dating him again you’d remember how you didn’t like it. I mean he was good when he wasn’t making you feel like sht. Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Where does the engaged guy fit into this dramatic tale? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 Where does the engaged guy fit into this dramatic tale? He has just started talking to me within the last 3 weeks, I don't look at him like someone who treated me like crap though. He calls me beautiful. I haven't done anything with him either so.. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I think somewhere in your head you must be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Do normal guys bore you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 I think somewhere in your head you must be comfortable with being uncomfortable. Do normal guys bore you? No I like normal guys, and I like being treated well. I honestly have no idea whats wrong with me. Link to post Share on other sites
Reegs Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I always find this subject interesting....and you can find it all over these boards...why do nice guys never get girls...and bad guys have all the luck. Guys that treat girls like crap...get more girls than guys that treat girls right. The simple answer is that these men know how to generate attraction. Attraction is the key in any relationship...and the more you have of it...the more you want to be with the man. My assumption here...is your still very attracted to you ex...hence why you still want to be with him. I would like to know how your self-esteem is? Are you a confident person? I have a theory on this...and may be way off base...but stay with me for a bit. I think girls are attracted to jerks for a simple reason. They dont love themselves. When guys are nice to girls that have low self-value/self-esteem and actually treats them well...they run. Why? Because subconsciously she thinks, How can this guy possibly like me so much? He must not be very smart. He must be even more worthless than I am. On the flip side, if she meets a guy who treats he like garbage she loves him!! Why? Because he can actually see her for who she really is....a woman undeserving of love. He must be smart....he must be worthy. She chases him and tries to get him to love her. But it doesn't work...it never does. You cant get someone to love you until you completely love yourself. This may not be the case with you....but think about it. More often than not girls go for jerks at an early age...and as they grow up and become women they start to see these guys for who they really are. Manipulators. My advice to you....is to work on yourself...and stop dealing with jerks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I agree with the previous poster. Do you think you deserve a great guy? Do you think you're great? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 17, 2012 Author Share Posted September 17, 2012 I agree with the previous poster. Do you think you deserve a great guy? Do you think you're great? I'm ok, I know that I am not super confident.. I feel like I should just be with any guy who wants me. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 Try and get some therapy to find out why you are drawn to men like this. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I'm ok, I know that I am not super confident.. I feel like I should just be with any guy who wants me. That's sad. You can choose for yourself who you will or who you won't be with. Set some standards and don't go for anyone who isn't living up to them. If you're willing to be with anyone who wants to sleep with you then you have no standards at all. Any girl can go out at any time and get laid. That's pretty much common knowledge. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 So I kind of realized recently I am attracted to men who just treat me so badly, I mean I have had a good relationship even though it was short, but it is the bad ones that pull me back in. I was 19 and met this guy and we dated for a few months and he was great to me he was 23 and he had a 17 month old son and I just thought he was the best person ever. I had kind of reg flags, like the fact that he was on probation for domestic violence, I ignored it and I believed him when he said nothing happened with his sons mom that some random person called the police and he was arrested. I am a justice studies major, I know better but I wanted to believe it you know? Even now I want to believe it. Then he got kind of controlling, like he would get upset if I was going out with my friends to a night club and like ask me to take pictures of what I was wearing. The final straw was one night I went out and he told me to show him my outfit and I did and he was like "your shorts are too short, you look like such a slut, you need to change. You're going to get raped and it'll be your own fault". I was shocked I wasn't upset just really tired of it, at first it was sweet and cute that he cared so much about me and protected me and on top of that he wanted the same things I did. He wanted to get married and have babies and I wanted that so much. The sad part is now 2 years later I still look him up on FB, he has a new gf and I would love to be with him again I just miss how much he cared. Then recently I got involved with a guy I met on POF and he is a military guy, he was coming home on leave and pretty much he wanted to have sex, to take my virginity, I turned him down and we still stayed in contact as friends I always go to him for advice on guys, and I have lost my virginity, he knows and he is so mean about it. I went to him for advice recent when my now ex dumped me and he treated me so badly. He called me a slut and whore and told me I was cheap and disgusting.. I understand why he would think that but I am not that bad. He just constantly is mean to me and I should just delete him from my life but I can't. I still feel hope that he will be nice and come back from Afghanistan and want to go out with me. He also wanted to get married and have babies which is important to me... I don't want to eventually end up in an abusive relationship but I know in the end it is possible. I don't know what to do? I don't want to go back but I do. Don't go backwards.....I understand why your boyfriend (who complained about your clothes) said what he said and got upset......he doesn twan tmen looking at his girlfriend in a sexual way.......in a relationship i always think.....would he like this and if he is around ill say do you like it.....i dress to impress one man not all.....i always wear when going dancing long skirts or my preference is pants with solid shoes or boots.....because i dance my ass off i dont want to flash some guy.....dancing is enough to attract attention i dont think he needed to say slut just be honest about how it upset him instead of labelling you that's abuse......that one word.....rapists use it all the time to demean the woman and lower her......obviously though he was upset...still shouldnt have used the word.I am normally in tune by observing reactions from my partner what he likes what he doesnt like......once i wen tto a friends place and he rboyfriend wanted to do my hair and make up my girlfriend who was goign out with him encouraged me to let him.....i did he made me look liek a prostitute i dotn wear heavy makeup and i have always had longish hair which he teased to an inch of its life......i knew my boyfriend at the time would hate it which he did.......i never go tthat guy to do my make up and hair again...... sometimes men who are abusive dont show true colors until after you fall in love......dont blame yourself......recognise these were bad and head for a good guy anda if a guy cares what you wear when you go out with others......he has good traits not saying he is a good guy but that trait is one of wanting you to be respected by other males...i would hope a future boyfriend or partner would tell me if he didn't like what i was wearing....and be honest ...if i ever get called a slut...im kickin ass....smilin......and if i am in love with the guy who calls me a slut he gets the silent treatment until he apologizes and promises never to say it again....then follows through with that promise......deb Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted September 17, 2012 Share Posted September 17, 2012 I'll second Woggle's suggestion and upgrade it to a bucket list item. IMO, the younger the person is when such an issue is identified, the greater the opportunity not only for change but for more healthy potentials to be considered. Base attraction styles are hard to change, especially if rooted within the emotional psyche of the person at a young age. It's a 'tape' which is always playing in the background. Therapy helps take that tape and cognitively process it in a different, healthier way. Sometimes the tape fades away; other times, not. Like the old saying goes, if what you're doing isn't working, try something else. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted September 19, 2012 Share Posted September 19, 2012 I always find this subject interesting....and you can find it all over these boards...why do nice guys never get girls...and bad guys have all the luck. Guys that treat girls like crap...get more girls than guys that treat girls right. I always thought that nice girls never get any guys, and if they do, they get treated like crap and eventually dumped, while slutty golddigger bitches get better treatment. My ex was so resentful at gold-diggers, but he ended up treating me worse than he treated them. I'm the first woman he has dumped, and he's had 3 long-term relationships before. They were the ones to dump him, and he claimed they were super-controlling, used him for money, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Eve Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 Well at least you have noted that something isn't right. Hope you can commit to therapy and stay away from men until such time as you have worked this out. All the best, Take care, Eve x Link to post Share on other sites
MonsterMash Posted September 21, 2012 Share Posted September 21, 2012 I'm going to throw a SWAG out there. For those who don't understand the term, its a scientific wild ass guess. But looking back through the OPs pages of rants on various topics...I'm inclined to believe she had something unpleasant happen to her at a younger age. Not to going into details. I'm sure you catch my meaning. The need for attention, wanting to throw herself at men who are wrong for her. A fairly recent loss of virginity coupled with an obsession to find "large" cocks. And so on and so forth. I'd really recommend some form of councelling to help get past all this. It ain't healthy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 I'm going to throw a SWAG out there. For those who don't understand the term, its a scientific wild ass guess. But looking back through the OPs pages of rants on various topics...I'm inclined to believe she had something unpleasant happen to her at a younger age. Not to going into details. I'm sure you catch my meaning. The need for attention, wanting to throw herself at men who are wrong for her. A fairly recent loss of virginity coupled with an obsession to find "large" cocks. And so on and so forth. I'd really recommend some form of councelling to help get past all this. It ain't healthy. I was never sexual abused or anything when I was younger. I think my problem just stems from super super low confidence and self esteem. It is so weird to say that about myself you know? But I know I don't feel good about myself which is why I like being with someone because they make me feel good about myself. It's weird I mean I know I am not an ugly girl but I know I am not a supermodel and I know that I should be happy and lucky when an attractive guy wants me so i have to like hold on to that it just so happened both of these men were attractive. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be? I would not have cerebral palsy that would be it. Everything would be so perfect and wonderful if I didn't. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Oh honey I'm sorry. XO Is it painful? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 Oh honey I'm sorry. XO Is it painful? Nope not at all and don't be sorry, it is what it is. I just use a cane to walk, and I walk different. I am lucky that it isn't worse, because it could be, but it still sucks because guys don't want that. They want perfect pretty girls not handicap ones haha Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Nope not at all and don't be sorry, it is what it is. I just use a cane to walk, and I walk different. I am lucky that it isn't worse, because it could be, but it still sucks because guys don't want that. They want perfect pretty girls not handicap ones haha No that's not true. Somebody will love you for you but it's no wonder why you're so down on yourself. That has to be very hard to deal with for someone your age. But sleeping with these d-bags you keep choosing isn't going to make you feel better about yourself, only worse. Do you belong to any kind of online support group? Link to post Share on other sites
D-Lish Posted September 22, 2012 Share Posted September 22, 2012 Nope not at all and don't be sorry, it is what it is. I just use a cane to walk, and I walk different. I am lucky that it isn't worse, because it could be, but it still sucks because guys don't want that. They want perfect pretty girls not handicap ones haha What help do you want from this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 No that's not true. Somebody will love you for you but it's no wonder why you're so down on yourself. That has to be very hard to deal with for someone your age. But sleeping with these d-bags you keep choosing isn't going to make you feel better about yourself, only worse. Do you belong to any kind of online support group? I don't, I always feel kind of stupid to be complaining about it even though it hurts me and bothers me the way people have treated me before but I am really lucky that it isn't worse. I just feel like if I join an online support group I will feel like an ungrateful fool you know? I know I need to stop sleeping around though, it is so empty and I realize that but it's like in that moment to feel good about yourself (sorry this is super pathetic lol) like "wow someone likes me and wants me and thinks I am pretty enough to sleep with" even though I know guys will screw anything but it just makes me feel good for like a minute then I feel like crap for months after. Don't get me wrong I have met a lot of guys who accept it but most of them are like "well it doesn't matter because you're so pretty" but I am more than pretty too, I'm smart and I'm funny and nice (despite what some people on here think ) I just want fulfilling relationships based on more than sex. I don't want to have to put up with being treated like crap just to be someones girlfriend. I am for sure working on it though and I'm in therapy and I am trying not to sleep with anyone it is hard but I'm trying (haha that sounds slutty). Sorry I started ranting a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImperfectionisBeauty Posted September 22, 2012 Author Share Posted September 22, 2012 What help do you want from this? I don't think anyone can help it, unless you're God lol She asked me about it and I just explained. Link to post Share on other sites
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