Samson Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I hesitate to use the word "ironic," but the title line of this thread was written in response a question about the decisiveness of those seeking divorce. Now: if we are not to marry people that we "like" as persons, then who are we supposed to marry! I'm gobsmacked at the incredible mixture of both crystal clear truth and insanely stark contradiction in the fact that many hold the opinion that their spouce can be likable, but not loveable. Is the (perverse) converse statement also true: I liked her as a wife, but not as a person?!!?? IMHO, ABSOLUTELY BTW: I've been trying to work the word "gobsmacked" into a post for some time. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 [size=14][color=blue]Congratulations on [color=indigo]gobsmacked[/color] Samson![/color] Link to post Share on other sites
ready2moveon26 Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 My husband and I could be great friends had we not ever been married. We have fun together and laugh all the time...it's the commitment thing that killed us. Link to post Share on other sites
thecake Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 My comment makes complete sense to me. First of all, he and I dated for 3 ½ years before we got married. I thought I knew him well. He had all of the qualities I wanted in a spouse at the time but it wasn’t until we were married that I saw another side to him…stingy, overly critical, always trying to burst my happy bubble….I know I was a great wife and who cares if I was a tad naïve and a bit idealistic going into it? I grew up fast. Secondly, I don’t put ALL of the blame on him either because I seriously changed a LOT during our short marriage too…came into my own as an adult. I was moving up fast in my company – had gotten a big promotion right after we tied the knot and he was more jealous than supportive, which blew my mind at the time – it seemed like he was competing with me or something, which seemed ridiculous. He was proud of me – would say the greatest things about me to his family and friends but he couldn’t say them to me…and this WAS something that began occurring AFTER we got married. He was incapable of using the term “ours”…everything was either his or mine. I realized rather quickly that he didn’t care for me the way a husband should and it concerned me. I never would have known any of this if I hadn’t married him. I suppose I should have known better but in the overall scheme of things it was an excellent lesson for me. Marriage is the biggest crap shoot as far as I’m concerned. You can’t “predict” the outcome and how people are going to change over the years. It’s taken me 7 years to get to the point where I can even entertain the thought of getting married again. I definitely believe there should be a law forbidding anyone in their 20's to marry. Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 BTW: I've been trying to work the word "gobsmacked" into a post for some time. Well Done! Of course we are supposed to marry people who we like. I can see two scenarios where things go wrong (I'm sure there's more!): 1 People confuse the love of friendship with erotic love. Many would maintain these are poles apart (often they are) but sometimes there's more of a sliding scale. Sometimes people are happily married to a good friend for ages and then fallen in love (true erotic love) for the first time in their lives. Needless to say, the marriages rarely survive. 2 More commonly, people fall out of love yet still like their spouse as a person (commonly expressed as "I love you but am not IN love with you") I can't imaging liking someone as a husband/wife but not as a person. Explain! Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 People change upon wedding day all the time!! It's not brain surgery...hmmm, maybe it IS brain surgery!!! That would explain the 180 that people seem to take upon "I do." "I do" have another personality, "I do" not want kids, even though I said I loved them, "I do" just want a maid. It's law! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted July 23, 2004 Author Share Posted July 23, 2004 She's Come Undone, You've certainly added another dimension to the thread................................. And I don't just mean your Avitar, which I'm currently printing out so that I can wall paper a small room with it, light a few candles, put on some soft music..........................ahh, but I digress....................... ANYWAY, where was I? Oh Yes, the other, and much less pleasent dimension of marriage And then there's the "Brittany Spears" pullback, annulments a few days afterward. Apparently change is time dimensional..............Now I find myself rambling...........DAMN THESE SEXY AVITARS!!!!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Originally posted by Samson And then there's the "Brittany Spears" pullback, annulments a few days afterward. LOL! There is a joke going around about her name saying it all. Brittany SPEARS.... Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 I can't imaging liking someone as a husband/wife but not as a person. Explain! I think that happens to those gals who like the bad guys. I mean the really bad guys..... like guys who are into crime, so they can enjoy the thrill of being 'the bad guy's woman' and feel like they are living in a Bonnie & Clyde remake, as well as 'average bag guys'(arrogant, rude, mean people), because they find romantic the idea of a guy acting like a charming prince to you and as a perfect a*****e to the rest of the world. Sort of makes them feel special and unique. I guess it's also the case of men who are attracted to selfish, arrogant, spoiled ladies who happen to be stunningly beautiful. I see it happen quite a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
brashgal Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Sounds like you mean that people like the IDEA of the person as a husband/wife because of any number of superficial qualities (beauty, power, money). My ex has a lot of good qualities but the qualities that would make him a good husband for me are the same qualities that would also make him a good friend (loyalty, honesty). Unfortunately the guy can't tell the truth to save his life and is loyal only when it benefits him. Other than sexual compatibility I'm trying to think of other reasons why someone would be a good friend and not a good husband/wife - having trouble coming up with those. Unless people don't mean 'true friend' and are thinking more of acquaintances... Link to post Share on other sites
meanon Posted July 23, 2004 Share Posted July 23, 2004 Other than sexual compatibility I'm trying to think of other reasons why someone would be a good friend and not a good husband/wife - having trouble coming up with those. I think it does have to do with sexual compatibility and also knowing yourself. the couples I know or have heard of with this problem have either had an issue with sexuality (eg. the man realising he's gay) or the age at which they first got together (too young to have formed sufficiently separate social/sexual identities). Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 why someone would be a good friend and not a good husband/wife Plenty of reasons! People who are your friends can have qualities and do things which you can take in small doses - or, often, never even see or have to deal with. When that friend is in the same house, it's no longer amusing that he's so cheap he squeaks or that he wastes money flagrantly or a zillion other things that won't affect a friendship at all. However, how you could like a person as a spouse and not as a person, I don't know. Unless you mean 'servant' when you say 'spouse'. Link to post Share on other sites
marribell Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Now: if we are not to marry people that we "like" as persons, then who are we supposed to marry! I like many people. I like you too. I cannot marry all of them. One at a time. Is the (perverse) converse statement also true: I liked her as a wife, but not as a person?!!?? It would be too much to like as wife and as a person the same person. Almost spoiling . Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Sounds like you mean that people like the IDEA of the person as a husband/wife because of any number of superficial qualities (beauty, power, money). It is the only circumnstances I can think of when someone might like a guy/gal as a husband/wife *but not as a person*. And yes, you hit it, they would only like the *idea*...reality would be probably different. Hey, some people have weird priorities when it comes to choosing a partner. About liking people as persons but not as husbands/wives....I think it happens all the time. Sexual compatibility. Different views about marriage. Lack of physical attraction. "I love him/her like a brother/sister". "he/she is fun and intellingent but not really my kind of guy/girl".Tons of other reasons. That's why people have friends of the opposite sex, it would be impossible otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 However, how you could like a person as a spouse and not as a person, I don't know. Unless you mean 'servant' when you say 'spouse'. [color=green]AH HA[/color]!!!!!!!!! Moimeme almost never disappoints me! And, here we have another example (in addition to not being able to affoed divorce) of what holds so many marriages together! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 I was actually looking for an explanation. How ever could you like someone 'as a spouse' and not like them as a person????? It makes absolutely no sense to me unless, as I said, you mean 'servant'. As in 'she cooks well and cleans well and takes care of the kids well but I don't actually like her as a person'. Or as in 'he does do all the work around the house without asking but I don't actually like to talk to him'. So rather than slagging on me, how's about explaining yourself? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Samson Posted July 24, 2004 Author Share Posted July 24, 2004 Slagging????? Not sure what this is Moimeme. Could it be Canadian for "complementing?" Anyway, I'll happily address your characteristically gentle demand to explain myself: I quoted you because I thought you had very eloquently crystalised an important but under-appreciated point of discussion: Servitude from their spouse has become a necessity for some (perhaps many?) to the extent that whether or not they "like their spouse as a person" is no more relevant than whether or not they like breathing oxygen. Link to post Share on other sites
marribell Posted July 24, 2004 Share Posted July 24, 2004 Here is an example. My parents! Already many years they don't like each other. My mom dreams to divorce but she is not enough decisive. She feels sorry for him. And he doesn't like to be next to mom. But hates the idea of divorce. He likes that they are family. He has contact with me and my two brothers trough her who is more connected with us. He is afraid to stay alone. I don't really know why... I know that is ridiculously but it is a fact. It is not that he finds her bad person at all. He thinks she is kind ...he loved her lot some time before...But they will fight on any subject they talk. He doesn't like the way she thinks, the way she acts, the way she cooks... everything...but he likes to have her as wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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