I don't know what 2 do with my husband cheating on me .... any advice?

[MissThing123]

I don't know what to do please help......OK here is my storie....

 

My husband slept around with girl from his job, he didn't tell me I had to find out on my own.

I always said that if a man was to cheat on me I would leave him in 1-2-3

but as you can see I didn't......

I have forgiving him because I just can't see myself with out him but there are times where think 'bout leaving him,

I dont work and have no job skills. I am currently attending the local community college.

 

I have been married to him for 7yrs. We have talked about separating before

Things seemed to get worse by the year, and worst of all it all started to become my fault, for having extra pounds he wasn t interested in sex, for being bitchy he wasn t able to talk to me and felt alone,blabla...It has been a total of 10 yrs that I spent with him, 7 married.

 

He is a liar, and yet I still love him and I get soft when I see him or speak to him, I had cought him before and from experience I know he only admit what he knows I have facts for which requires alot of snooping on my part, I found a tape with him & this girl having sex about 6months ago that still stays in my mind but I forgave him because of our daughter I wanted to be a family all over again.

 

I love him and dont want my marriage to end despite the fact that i havent been happy in years. there has also been bouts of infidelity and emotional and physical abuse,

Loving him I always made excuses for his behavior but internally I knew I couldn t trust him

 

i have a wonderful daughter and although I can t take this anymore I m afraid to the highest degree. Scared that financially I will not be ok. I m finally now attending college and have 1 1/2 yrs left to get my degree. The lawyer tells me there is no guarantee for the amounts of money I would receive. How can I make the decision to leave if I don t even know how to support us? Additionally I dont want my daughter to further be traumatized by having to move from our home and her school. It will be hard enough for her. I feel like I m stuck to deal with this and endure it. With every day my self esteem falls, my respect goes and my depression gets worse.

 

He does want to be with me sometimes.. but he tells me that maybe we should break up because he thinks that I will do it to him....

 

is it normal to have sex less than once a wk? because last night I went 2 bed with him & I had nothing on & he didn't even try to touch me nothing

 

 

 

I feel like absolute crap. but what really scares me is how am i going to make it financially. how do i get decent job skills and afford child care at the same time. right now i dont even know where im going to live. please any advice at all.

[Mr Spock]

This may not be the GREATEST advice but if I were you I'd bide my time-store away every nickel I could get my hands on. Be the perfect wife, mother, whatever-allow him to bathe in the warmth of his secure home, then WHAMMO!! When you're done your degree, kick his arse to the curb and file for divorce. There comes a point in time where "love" isn't enough. The shock will drop him on his arse, and while your heart may be broken you may revel in the immense satisfaction of watching him crawl on his knees begging you to take him back.

 

Keep that image in your mind, as well as your happiness with your daughter over the upcoming weeks while you figure out what you have to do.

[Grinning Maniac]

That is the most sadistic thing I have ever heard, Spock.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love it.

[Mr Spock]

We all need to have ways to deal with issues that aren't immediately solveable that let us get through our day without going insane

 

I'd also suggest hiring a good lawyer. Does he make buckets of money?

 

I'd also suggest perhaps seeking some professional advice, the reluctance to leave and the continued statement of "I love him" combined with him abusing you suggests another problem entirely.

[redhottie2]

I highly reccommend that you watch the movie "She Devil" over and over until you figure out a way to get your life back.

[Craig]

Hmmmmm....

 

If you saw a personals ad for someone that said:

 

Emotionally and physically abusive man with a history of cheating and lying seeks forgiving and dependent woman.

 

Would you reply? I didn't think so.

 

I agree with the course of action that Spock has suggested HOWEVER there may be a different outcome. Spock said, "Be the perfect wife, mother, whatever-allow him to bathe in the warmth of his secure home" doing this may actually contribute to making your marriage better and better and you both might begin falling in love with each other again. If that doesn't happen then as Spock suggested "When you're done your degree, kick his arse to the curb and file for divorce."

 

One more thing. You might try couples counselling. If your husband doesn't go then you must go for yourself to address the issues of the emotional, physical and sexual abuse. You can find more info on domestic violence on the web and find domestic violence counselling in your telephone book or on the web.

[unluckylady]

You know, it's one thing if he's cheating and just being an ass thinking with his pecker - the majority of men do this at one point in their lives. But it's a completely different thing if there's ANY FORM OF ABUSE, whether its physical or emotional. If in any way he hurts you or makes you feel bad intentionally - GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!

[kjace]

Your situation is complicated, but not impossible to deal with. It may help to break things down into smaller "pieces."

 

First -- safety. You mentioned that there had been physical abuse in your relationship. Is it possible that this can happen again? Even a "simple" push? A slap? A flying object that misses your head by a few inches? In truth, it can be very difficult to assess this. Talking with a counselor who works with domestic violence victims may be helpful. Also, please be aware that children are impacted by domestic abuse, even if they have not (so far) been involved in physical altercations. There is your daughter's safety and emotional well-being to consider.

 

Along the same lines -- have you and your husband been tested for STDs? Are you using condoms on those occasions when you do have intercourse? After all, some STDs (e.g., HIV) may not be detectable right away. If you get protest from your husband re using a condom, you may point out that using one will demonstrate a willingness on his part to help you be realistic and practical about his having engaged in sexual activity with someone else. It's not to punish -- just to protect.

 

Your concern about the frequency of sexual activity may arise from several things. First, you may be looking at it as a gauge of how well your marriage is doing. Please know that it is common for couples to go through periods of decreased sexuality, even when the relationship is going well. When a relationship is strained, it is also common for there to be a decreased sexual activity -- as well as other kinds of intimate behavior. It might be helpful to bring this issue up in the context of couples counseling -- since the feelings/needs/desires of both of you are involved. Also, you don't mention much about your previous life history, so this may/may not be relevant: Please know that individuals who have been sexually abused often tend to gauge their self-worth in terms of whether others relate to them sexually. If this strikes a cord for you, I would again encourage you to talk w/a counselor about this. Whether you realize it deep down or not -- you are more than your sexuality.

 

Re your concerns re financial support/schooling. You are right to look critically at these concerns. But, please don't use them as reasons for staying together if your safety, mental health, or well-being of your daughter is at stake. While it may be practical to stay with your husband for a while -- if you can do so safely -- this doesn't mean you have to stay forever. You and your husband might opt to live together as "roommates" if it makes sense for you and your daughter. Of course, again this raises questions about the kind of messages re relationships and marriage that your daughter will be subject to. This may or may not be a good thing.

 

Good luck. Know that there are people "out there" who can help -- even if it can sometimes be difficult finding them. You can follow your dreams -- and be safe, loved, and respected.

[ringo]

That's what this is. YOU can't make HIM happy nor can he make you happy. You have to do this for yourselves! Your story feels like that of one I could have written. Learn from this as history tends to repeat itself. There is NO WAY you can be "everything" to and for this man. But that is NO EXCUSE for him to do what he's done.

 

You need to be happy. Don't stay because you don't have skills or income. There is help for you... your state offers insurance, food, utilities, low-income housing (or free for those w/children attending college). It's there. It may hurt your pride - but it's HELP when you need it most - and it will get you through school. They even pay for day care in full when you go to school! Go to your local legal aid office to help you with filing for legal separation and/or divorce. They do this for low $$ or free!! I'm just saying - there are other options for you.

 

Don't get down on yourself. NONE OF THIS was YOUR fault. He made those choices himself out of selfishness. You are a strong woman! Don't let him tear you down. He does exactly what my husband does, turns around and points the finger at me - "it's my fault".... BS!! Thats there excuse to make themselves feel better. They've hurt us enough! They broke the vows, the broke our respect and faith for them. We can't trust them. Don't let him take your PRIDE! BE STRONG!

 

I don't know how long ago you discovered all this.... I found out a month ago... it's seems like my marriage was one big LIE and I know longer know what to believe. I went from depression, to angry.... I like angry much better. I refuse to let him S**T on me or this family any longer, and I'm taking a stand for me. If he can't handle the heat then he needs to leave and go start and ruin his next family, cause he doesn't deserve me/us anyways. IMO.... just saying - there are options.... don't lose hope.

[Samson]

I agree with Mr. Spock. Use his income as long as you can (stand to?), earn your degree THEN dump him like a pile of hot steamy manure. Instead of concentrating on the present, keeping the goals that you have, and making those that you'll be able to achieve without your ball and chain will give you a much brighter outlook.

[Rapunzel]

Wow!! I read your story and that made me really sad. I'm going through something like that w/ my boyfriend. He lied and kinda cheated on me(even though it was just a kiss). I know the whole truth but he still denies it. Your story isn't exactly the same as mine but it reminds me of my relationship and how it could be in the future. You see it's been 4 months since I found out the truth and I still can't seem to let it go after I forgave him. Thing are hot and cold w/ me. One minute I could be happy and the next I'm asking him these stupid questions that just make me feel so mad and upset. I start freaking out o/ stuff thats in the past. I am still w/ him because I decided I wanted to be w/ him.

 

 

 

 

I'm in love. But is love enough to make me feel better??? I tell him that in order for me to trust him again he needs to tell the truth. That's all I've been trying to do. I don't know but I can't let it go. I know that he's fed up with me asking questions, being paranoid, starting fights for no reason and I'm fed up w/ it too!! I don't know what to do?? I don't want to ruin my relationship. I don't want to drive him into doing anything worse than whats already happened. He has put strain on the relationship and so have I. He's the type that doesn't admit when they do something wrong. I admit to my mistakes.

 

 

 

The difference is between our stories is that the other girl is in another country where he don't live. I know it's not a real relationship b/c he's not there w/ her he's w/ me. I also know there's no contact between them. I know all this b/c she told me herself. Even though I know everything I know I still feel like he should be telling me this and not denying it. I feel like I can't trust him and just really paranoid. I know he doesn't sleep w/ anyone but me but I will always fear it.. I know how how you feel in a way.

 

and trust me sista there's more to this story but it's just to long to tell.

 

 

My advice to you is, if he's not gonna give you love you gotta get it somewhere else. He is. If you wanna stay w/ him and work things out you just gotta deal w/ it. Don't let him make you feel like your nothing. Make him feel like that. Make him want you. Stop doing for him and giving to him and make him miss you. He's garenteed to come back. If not you and your little girl are better off w/out him. Relationships have there ups and down but it all depends if your love is strong enough to get threw those obstacles. It will be okay. Trust me. Your gonna be fine. Once everything works out the way it's supposed to you'll feel so much better. Financially, I suggest you finish school w/ his money.(lololol) Keep your friends close to you and wait until your financially ready to go out on your own w/ your daughter. If you were to get a divorce I'm sure you'll be okay. He would have to be a real mean man to not give you any money to support his child with. He's owes that you. He also owes you some respect. All men could take a little lesson in respect for women.

 

Do your own thing. Don't let his sorry butt get you down. Your just better than him.

[PUHLEEEEZE...]

Originally posted by unluckylady

You know, it's one thing if he's cheating and just being an ass thinking with his pecker - the majority of men do this at one point in their lives. But it's a completely different thing if there's ANY FORM OF ABUSE, whether its physical or emotional. If in any way he hurts you or makes you feel bad intentionally - GET OUT NOW!!!!!!!!

 

 

I disagree with Unluckylady's first comment... most men DO NOT go around cheating on their significant other. It should not be accepted that they "can't help" themselves. Women and society need to INSIST on fidelity and not put up with any kind of philandering. Cheating IS emotional abuse (and I think physical, too - he's putting her body at risk).

[pedwin]

I am in the same situation. No job, no money, no where to go and scared to death. I think MR.SPOCK just solved my problem. Great idea!!!! I'll do just that!!!!!!

Pedwin

[honey2005]

This may not be the GREATEST advice but if I were you I'd bide my time-store away every nickel I could get my hands on. Be the perfect wife, mother, whatever-allow him to bathe in the warmth of his secure home, then WHAMMO!! When you're done your degree, kick his arse to the curb and file for divorce. There comes a point in time where "love" isn't enough. The shock will drop him on his arse, and while your heart may be broken you may revel in the immense satisfaction of watching him crawl on his knees begging you to take him back.

 

Keep that image in your mind, as well as your happiness with your daughter over the upcoming weeks while you figure out what you have to do.

 

I think Mr. Spock's advice is GREAT.

[StillHurtin]

I am so sorry. Your post sounded a lot what I went through. I think you have gotten some great advice. My dh had an A w/ the OW that worked for him. It lasted a few months then he came crawling back to me, begging me to take him back. That he was stupid for sleeping w/ the OW, blah, blah, blah. I took him back b/c I did love him and wanted it to work. Things are still a little rocky but we are working hard on it.

 

I was scared to leave to. I didn't know what to do. I had a full time job but I didn't want to stay in the same town w/ dh. I moved back to my hometown where my family was. My sister called and found me a home to rent. I hired a lawyer who got a court date set a week after I quit my job and moved. I got child support and alimony a week after I moved. I got on housing, I got on medicaid, and I got on food stamps all within a month of kicking dh out of our home. I made it financially. I didn't work for 3 months b/c I wanted to stay home w/ my children for the summer. I found a job right b4 my kids started school. I didn't ask for help w/ child support b/c I didn't need any but I know for sure I would of gotten it.

 

There is help out there, you can and will get it. Best of luck! I am sorry you are going through this.

[pitprincess]

Hello..

 

I just wanted to say, The grass is always greener on the other side.

 

This man has done this more then once to you and your child. If it was just once then I may see (someone)giving it a second chance and trying to keep the marriage together.

 

It seems he has done this several times and even made a video and kept it?

 

Makes no sence.. If this man loved you as im sure he is saying to you.. this is something he would never do in trying to keep his marriage together.

 

Your health and safety for you and your child should come first no matter what.

 

If it was me..

I would be out of there.... That is just my OP.

 

Being scared to walk out the door is the hardest part..Being USE to the life you have helps you want to make things work.

 

It sounds like you should see a dr for depression and get your self taken care of... You need some support to help you along.

 

 

Good Luck to you and May God Bless the roads you journey