Should I disclose EA to H or not?

[BetrayedH]

Yes, I can see where this could be seen as gaslighting. We have had that conversation, but he has never right out asked me. If he asked me straight, I would tell him the truth. Because then I would know he wanted to know the truth.

 

I'm only "sort of" bringing it up because we've had this conversation in the past and he's made his stance clear. I guess, maybe deep down, I hope that bringing it up again will open up a dialogue that lets me be honest.

 

Which sure as h*** should tell me something about how I really feel.

 

I think you hit the nail squarely on this one.

 

Honestly, I think you are fairly settled that this will come out eventually. You simply don't sound like a "take it to the grave" kind of person (that requires ridiculous determination in my mind) and you want a healthy marriage.

 

I suppose there is an offchance that you will find he does not want to know after you make this second fishing expedition. But the likelihood is as you've described where he's going to ask if there's something he needs to know.

 

I think it would be very wise for you to take some time to prepare for that eventual outcome. Get determined about not trickling the truth. Consider writing a timeline. There are so many pitfalls that wayward spouses fall into when first reconciling. I would love to see you avoid every damn one of them. Be proactive in as many ways as possible and I think it will really lessen the blow for him to have seen that not only did you voluntarily disclose your affair but also how much effort and deliberate thoughts and actions you put into place to safeguard your marriage after this mistake. If you're not in IC, get into it now. Have the names of marriage counselors. Show him how much you want this marriage. Be prepared for transparency. And perhaps if you do this just right, he will see some wisdom in not blowing up the entire family.

 

I really wish you luck. A successful reconciliation takes a tremendous amount of work and I think you should get started on what it is going to take now.

[whichwayisup]

Well, that's always a fear, of course. No matter how well we know someone, we can never predict their reactions with 100% accuracy. Although if I were a gambling woman, I'd place my bets on my H wanting to reconcile. He's no doormat, but he loves me deeply.

 

As Carhill pointed out, my situation is more involved. The aftermath would affect many people--not just me, my H, and my kids (which is bad enough)--and these are people that I care about and love. I feel enough like a heel for ever getting into this situation. I'd feel even worse if opening my mouth to alleviate my own guilt and repair MY marriage ended up destroying the lives of other people I love.

 

And yeah, I know it's a little late to be worrying about this stuff. But every action has consequences, and I'm trying to consider the consequences of my actions from this point forward.

 

Then you need to do everything you can to make sure you stay in NC mode with him and make it impossible for him to contact you. YES, change your number. Change your email address. you have a lot of fallout to deal with if this comes out on it's own. At least if you tell your H, together you both can decide whether or not to tell xMM's BW.

[whichwayisup]

I'd feel even worse if opening my mouth to alleviate my own guilt and repair MY marriage ended up destroying the lives of other people I love.

That's one way of looking at it, but you telling is letting your husband decide if he wants to stay or go. Forgive you and give you a chance to earn his trust back.

For all you know, he's unhappy in the marriage too and this way everything can be out in the open and together you two can fix it or end it. Staying as things are with the big elephant in the room is only going to get worse.

[2sunny]

I'd much prefer youtellyourhusband what YOURneedsare- so he can have a better understanding of what you were missing - that lead to your A to begin with.

 

And ending it doesn't include ALLOWING him to contact at random times... If the commitment was made toned it - why haven't YOU blocked any and all ways for him to contact you? That would set things right and allow your focus to be only on your husband.

[sleepie]

And ending it doesn't include ALLOWING him to contact at random times... If the commitment was made toned it - why haven't YOU blocked any and all ways for him to contact you? That would set things right and allow your focus to be only on your husband.

 

I thought I did, but he found a roundabout way to make contact with me.

 

I'm trying to plug up any gaps now in that department.

[whichwayisup]

I thought I did, but he found a roundabout way to make contact with me.

 

I'm trying to plug up any gaps now in that department.

 

Tell him if he contacts you again then there's a pretty high chance you'll tell his wife the truth. That might scare him off.

[2sunny]

I thought I did, but he found a roundabout way to make contact with me.

 

I'm trying to plug up any gaps now in that department.

 

TellhimIF he contacts again - you'll file and serve him with a restraining order.

 

 

Take your power back!

[Sauron]

OP if you didn't have sex with him, go talk to a priest, bartender, don't blow up your life and his by splattering it all over everyone. If you did have sex, the same applies. In 5 or 10 years, it will fade like an old news paper. Also, the group is telling you to splatter it out in the open as they do with everyone that shows up here. Not everything desrves the light of the day espcially a EA. Good luck to you.

[underwater2010]

OP if you didn't have sex with him, go talk to a priest, bartender, don't blow up your life and his by splattering it all over everyone. If you did have sex, the same applies. In 5 or 10 years, it will fade like an old news paper. Also, the group is telling you to splatter it out in the open as they do with everyone that shows up here. Not everything desrves the light of the day espcially a EA. Good luck to you.

You can go the route. But be prepared for the repercussions should he find out on his own.